by P. Jameson
***
Janet tested the rocking chair she’d ordered to be delivered from the local discount furniture store. It was cute and fit snugly in the corner of her room, but the real test was whether or not it was comfortable.
Turned out, it was.
Her first good decision since the ultrasound. No, second. The first was taking up Dr. Toya’s offer to teach her yoga and boxing. They’d only been at it a little over a week, but Janet was already feeling stronger. Toya told her that as her physical fortitude grew, so would her emotional fortitude. She hoped the woman was right.
Janet closed her eyes, rocking as she let her hands settle over her growing bump. She tried to feel blissful like Marlee. But the truth was she was still scare as hell. Maybe she always would be. But there was good news on that front. Being with Bastian taught her you could manage a lot of shit even being scared out of your mind.
Weakness becomes strength if wielded as a weapon.
That was another thing Toya was helping her with. She was learning how to turn her troubles into strengths. How to make her weaknesses work for her instead of against her.
And her weaknesses were many.
One of the most frustrating was Smokes. He made her weak in ways nothing else did. Weak in the knees, out of breath, shaking for his touch. And even though he checked on her nightly, he was more out of reach than ever.
She was his mate. But that title seemed to mean nothing to him.
Invite him in. Nyla’s words rang over and over in her mind. Hadn’t she tried? She’d given him the jacket, asked him to be part of her ultrasound, trusted him enough to leave the warehouse.
Their disastrous first date was never far from her mind.
But he was content to stay on the other side of her walls when what she really wanted was for him to burn them to the ground.
She’d gone round and round with her thoughts, wondering why he’d kept the fact that she was his mate a secret from the others when he so easily claimed her baby.
Maybe he was ashamed of her.
Maybe she was simply too broken. She knew how territorial the men were of their mates. Maybe he couldn’t get around what she had done working for Bastian.
But Smokes didn’t seem judgmental in that way.
She just didn’t have any answers.
Glancing at the clock on her side table, she realized he was later than normal. Maybe tonight would be the night he forgot to check on her.
Check on her. Like it was his duty.
The idea sat like a boulder in her gut.
Was she just… his duty?
Don’t think about it.
Instead, she ran through the list of names she’d been considering for the baby. She was going to run them by Smokes tonight and get his opinion.
Jadyn could be a girl or a boy. So could Raven, which would be a nice way to remember her mom. Giving the baby a name that held honor was important to her. She never wanted the child to be ashamed of who he was.
The knock on her door was familiar and brought a small smile to her face as she went to answer it.
Smokes stood on the other side, and she didn’t even wait for him to come in before her arms went around him in hug. It wasn’t their first. She hugged him bye every night. But this time felt different.
Instead of his arms coming around her in that careful way she’d gotten used to, he went stiff.
Stepping back, she found his hard gaze, and immediately knew something was wrong.
“Janet. We need to talk.”
Chapter Eighteen
Smokes stared at his mate, his heart breaking with what had to be done.
Janet stood in the center of the room, shifting from foot to foot, and tucked her hair behind her ears.
Nervous.
Me too, dove.
“I came up with some baby name ideas,” she said quickly. “Want to hear them?”
Smokes swallowed the ache in his throat and nodded.
“Okay. So, there’s some that could be for either a boy or a girl. That way if we still don’t know the gender by the time of birth, we’ll still have names ready.”
By the time of the birth…
He’d be gone.
He couldn’t let her keep going.
“Jan, wait. Let’s talk first.”
“There’s Jadyn, and Raven. My mom inspired that one. And Sam. Could stand for Samuel after you. Or Samantha—”
“Janet.”
“—or what about something unusual. Like Brave. I like it because it’s like, built-in encouragement, you kno—”
“Jan, stop.”
She froze at his sharp voice. “Okay.”
He sucked in a breath, hating the way she looked so scared. Trying for a calmer tone, he told her of his decision. “I came to tell you that I’m leaving in the morning.”
“Oh.” She breathed a sigh of relief. “Okay. How long will you be gone?”
He shook his head. “A long time.”
“Oh.” As realization hit, her hands twisted together in that way that broke his heart. “Where are you going?”
“Out west to meet up with Fang. He’s close to finding the Lost Daughters.”
“And he needs your help?”
“I don’t know. But I’m going to see. It’s what’s best for now. I need to be away for a while. Need some time.”
“A lot of time, you said.”
“Yes.”
She nodded, looking away. Her jaw was so tight her teeth must hurt.
“I wanted you to know,” he said. “Wanted to… to say goodbye. And make sure you know that everything is taken care of.”
“What does that mean?”
“I’ve made arrangements. Ratchet and Marlee will see that you have everything you need after I’m gone.”
Her face twisted into a curious scowl. “You got me a babysitter? You shouldn’t have.”
“Not a babysitter,” he argued. “But you’ll need help. With the baby and with… whatever. They’ve promised to be there for you.”
Crossing her arms over her chest, she avoided his gaze.
“Dove, look at me.”
“Why do you call me that?” she snapped out, her eyes piercing him like daggers.
Smokes frowned. “Call you dove?”
“Yeah, why?”
He shook his head, not wanting to go there. “Peace,” he blurted. “You remind me of what it’s like to be at peace. Look, it doesn’t matter. What I want you to know is… you can do this. Okay, I don’t want you doubting yourself anymore. That’s not why I asked them to help you. I did that for me. Because I want to know someone around here has your back when I’m gone.”
“Why?”
“Because I need to know you’re okay.”
Her brow furrowed like his words hurt and her gaze dropped to the floor. “Why?” she whispered. “Why do you say things like that if you don’t want me?”
His head jerked back at her accusation. Fuck.
“You think I don’t want you, female?” he ground out, throat tight. She was all he wanted. He wanted her more than anything in the world. He wished he could start over, rewind to a time before he fucked up, find her, somehow, and make a real life with her.
But you couldn’t rewind time.
He couldn’t undo what he was.
He couldn’t be good enough for her and that little young growing in her.
He could only take care of them and give them the best life possible. They deserved that, even if he didn’t. All the extra shit, like her body and her love, he’d do without. Because he wasn’t going to tarnish her or his baby with all his fucking soot.
His baby.
Goddamn. The baby inside her wasn’t his.
Mine, his beast argued furiously. It was angry and hot and wanted revenge on Smokes for what he was doing. Mine no matter what.
“Trust me, want has fucking nothing to do with it.” He turned to leave, but she stopped him with her trembling words.
“It’s re
sponsibility, isn’t it? You’re going to take care of us because we’re your responsibility, but you and me… we’ll never have what the others have. Am I right?”
He didn’t answer. He was afraid of what would come out. The truth, lies… he wasn’t sure.
“Because…” Janet drew in a shaky breath, letting the rest come out on a broken exhale. “I’m ruined.”
Ruined, ruined, ruined.
No.
He swung his gaze back to her. She faced him, lips pressed together tightly, like they were keeping a sob in as her eyes pooled with tears. But there was a braveness about her. She didn’t look away. She stood there, ready to take whatever labels he put on her.
“Is that what you think, dove? That you’re ruined?”
There was a small nod and her pretty throat bobbed with a hard swallow.
He balled his fists at his side to keep from reaching for her.
“I would have you, ruined or not, if it was the only thing standing in my way. But you…” he shook his head, looking away to gather his words. “You’re not ruined, Jan. There’s a lot of life left in you. A lot of good future that will blot out all your past.”
“Just… not with you?”
Yes, with me, he wanted to argue. But it wasn’t true. It couldn’t be.
“No. I won’t hurt you like that. Not you.” His voice cracked on the last word, giving away the depths of his feelings. Shit.
Again, he turned to leave before he did something he’d regret for the rest of his fucking life.
“Please.” Her strangled voice locked him up. He couldn’t move. Not when she sounded like that. “C-can we just… try? Please?”
He found her face. The expression on it was some cross between destroyed and stubborn. Like the plea injured her, but she wasn’t going to give up.
“I know I shouldn’t beg.” Her panicked expression flitted around the room before landing back on him. “I know it makes me pitiful. I know. But… I’d like to try. With you. I think we could have something… you know… special. Really special. But how will we know if we don’t try?”
He had to stop this. Now, or he was going to destroy everything good about her. Shit. There was only one way, wasn’t there.
Smokes put on indifference like it was his favorite leather jacket.
“Try what, woman?” He made his voice cold. He was so good at it, she flinched. “Would you like me to fuck you? Want me to use you like others have? You miss it, Jan?”
She drew in a ragged gasp and grabbed her middle as if he’d punched her.
Shit, what was he doing?
Saving her, that’s what. Saving her from herself.
She doubled over, her face taking on a pained expression and a whimper slipped from her lips. “How can you say that?”
Stop! his animal snarled. Never hurt mate.
He was hurting her. He could feel the pain radiating through their tiny fragile bond. Monster was right. There was a bond, and it was aching enough to have him gasping.
But it didn’t stop him.
What was a little pain if it saved her a lot in the end?
“You want me to make you feel like a whore, baby?”
“D-Don’t call me that.” She whispered, fresh tears filling her eyes.
And still, he kept going.
“Call you what? Whore? That word offends you?”
“Not that,” she hissed, backing away from him like he was rabid. “Baby. Don’t ever call me baby.”
The revulsion in her voice stopped him cold, when her tears and pained expression did nothing.
She shuddered, squeezing her eyes closed, and he recognized that she was about to be sick. “Never call me that. Never… that…”
She ran to the bathroom, falling at the base of the toilet just in time to lose her stomach into the bowl.
Fuck.
His animal snapped and clawed at his chest hating him for this.
No more than he hated himself.
Fuck.
Feeling like a piece of shit, Smokes carefully pulled back her hair to keep it from the mess, like he always did. When she was finished and tears stained her cheeks, she sat back against the wall, curling her knees up as far as the small bump protruding from her middle would allow.
“Leave,” she said weakly.
He crouched beside her. “Shit, dove. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it—”
“Go!” she pushed out, tears still falling like the smallest waterfalls over her cheeks. “Just go. You’ve made yourself clear.”
“You don’t understand—”
“I understand you see me as a whore and there’s no escaping it. I understand you don’t want to try with me. You don’t want me like the others wanted theirs. And you know what?” She pressed her forehead to her knees before muttering the rest. “I’m so sorry I listened to Marlee. I’m so sorry I wanted to try. I’m just… so sorry. Go. Okay. Leave.”
“No.”
“Leave!” she screeched, a vicious sob clawing past her throat. “Go away. Find someone else to be your pet project. I don’t want you anymore!”
Fuck. Her words ripped a hole in his chest. No doubt the same thing his words had just done to her. They were trading barbs, neither of them aware of how deep they cut.
I don’t want you anymore.
That was what he’d been trying for, wasn’t it? Mission fucking accomplished.
Chapter Nineteen
Smokes paced the floor of Janet’s room, wondering if his footsteps would wear a dent in the floor before Janet ever emerged from the bathroom. She’d been locked in there for hours, but he’d wait an eternity for a chance to make right what he had done.
Over the past hours, he’d run the gamut of emotions. He let himself be angry for hurting her. Punched a hole in the wall wishing it was his own face. Argued with his inner beast about what was best for her. Mourned the person he was before he said horrible words to the one he loved most.
He’d had a lot of time to think. And this time, he opened his mind to the idea that he had fucked this up all on his own. Without his beast. Monster warned him not to hold it back. Not to resist. But he had trusted his own fears more than his instinct.
Instinct told him to hold Janet. He’d pushed her away.
Instinct told him to touch her. He had refrained at every turn.
Instinct told him she was his to soothe. He’d tried his damnedest to pass her off to her friends.
Instinct told him the baby was his no matter what biology said. And he… he had tried to run.
Fuck.
Now he had to find a way to fix things. Because instinct told him that without her, he was as good as dead. Without her happiness, her satisfaction, her as part of his future… life was a black void.
This time he would listen to instinct.
The bond, his beast roared. Bond.
Smokes swallowed hard as he realized what the furious animal was trying to tell him. The bond between him and Janet had been growing from the beginning. And since it was an open link to the other person’s emotions, all the fear and uncertainty he’d been feeling… it wasn’t only his. It was hers too. Both of them, both feeling like they would ruin the other, and neither willing to get fucking real.
Shit.
That was it. Time to get real with his mate.
And it wasn’t going to be pretty.
The lock on the bathroom door clicked and it slowly came open to reveal a tear-soaked Janet. But she wasn’t crying anymore. She had showered and wore a long sweatshirt that hung almost to her knees. Without looking at him, she padded to the bed and crawled in facing the wall instead.
“Why are you still here?”
“I can’t leave, dove.”
“Can’t? Is someone stopping you?”
“I won’t.”
She sighed heavily. It sounded like the weight of the world. “Why not? I told you, we aren’t your responsibility anymore. I’m no one’s responsibility. I’m… no one’s,” she finished quietly.
“You’re mine.”
“No. I’m mine. Just go.”
Instead, he sat on the bed, head in hands, listening to his heart as best he knew how.
“You’re right. You are yours. That’s exactly what you should be. But you’re also mine, and I’ve done a horrible job of making that clear. That stops now.”
She said nothing. He needed her to feel the change in the bond. Feel what he felt for her, without all the fear attached.
“I need to hold you, Jan. Will you let me?”
Minutes ticked away before she answered. “Is it going to hurt?”
“No. No more hurting.”
A tiny nod gave him the permission he needed and he lowered to the bed behind her. Just like that first night. Except this time, he’d fucked up bad.
Smokes closed his eyes and ran a hand up her back, hating the way she flinched.
“They always call you baby,” she said, disgust soaking her voice. “Always. It’s never darling or babe or sweetheart. It’s always baby.”
“I didn’t know.”
“How would you? You’re not me. You haven’t been where I’ve been. And besides… would it have made any difference? You still said what you meant. It is still what it is. Which is… which is nothing. We’re still nothing.”
The way her body curled in on itself made his throat ache with more regret than he’d felt in his entire fucked up life.
Shit.
He couldn’t hurt her anymore. It was killing something inside him. Something that he wanted to grow and grow. Something good. Maybe the only thing good about him at all.
The beast and him were finally in agreement and it might be too late.
Tears… goddamned fucking tears filled his eyes, burning so hot he wondered if they’d ruin his vision. He hadn’t cried since he was a boy. He shouldn’t be doing it now. Or ever.
Fuck.
He pushed his face against the back of Janet’s neck and his arms gently dragged her close. She stiffened at his touch, but he couldn’t let go. Not until he’d fixed this.
“I’m so sorry, mate,” he whispered, unable to hold back a sob. Fuck, like something was pulling it from his chest with tow hooks and he was helpless to stop it. “I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. Can’t hide what I am, what I’m becoming.” Janet tried to turn and face him but he stopped her. “Don’t move. Just stay. Right here, until I figure shit out. Because I refuse to hurt you again.”
