by P. Jameson
“Don’t do this out of guilt,” she ground out. “I’ll be fine. You’ll see.”
“No. I refuse to hurt… us again.”
“Us?” she said carefully. “You said there was no us.”
“Janet…” He sighed, burrowing his face deeper in her hair and letting his palm span the bulge of her growing belly. “I lied. To you, to myself. To my inner animal.”
“Why?”
Smokes growled out loud, battling his pride. Say it. Fucking say it. Tell the goddamn truth.
“Because I’m afraid. I’m not good enough for you. For this baby,” he whispered, telling her his biggest secret. “If I could rip open my chest and show you my heart, show you the truth… god, I don’t even know what you’d think if you knew…”
“Knew what?” she barely breathed.
That he’d loved her from the moment he denied her in front of the entire clan, looking at that goddamned picture of Skittles’s. That all it took was one look to know that she was the golden thread that would mend him back together. That everything he’d done to push her away was only to keep her safe from him. Because he didn’t want to use her like everyone else, just to feel better. Just to feel relief.
He wanted to have what the others had. A soft place to land after the shitshow they’d endured. A hand to hold when the darkness set in. A female to look after and keep. Forever. Someone there for all the bad days, and the good ones. Everyday.
“I’ve wanted you so fucking bad, dove. You have no idea. Because I’m a bastard, and couldn’t tell you. I thought I was protecting you from me, from yourself. But the truth is, I do want what the others have, want you to be mine. You and the baby, both mine. I want to make you happy, not sad. I want to be enough, but I’m not. And I’m so fucking afraid of… of being better, but still not enough.”
“Walls,” she murmured, almost to herself.
“Hm?”
“The walls we build around our hearts. They’re our safe places, but we’re not trying to protect ourselves.”
Smokes frowned against her shoulder.
“We’re protecting everyone else,” she continued. “We quarantine ourselves thinking we can stop the spread of what infects us. But that’s not how you cure a sickness. That’s not how you flush out poison. That’s not how you heal and rebuild what’s broken.”
The answer came to him by instinct. And this time, he listened.
“You burn it away,” he rasped. “You burn it all the fuck down and start over new.”
Janet nodded. “Burn the walls down.”
No sooner had she said it than a small bump knocked against his palm where it lay over her belly.
Smokes went still. It couldn’t be what he thought it was. Could it?
He held his breath waiting for the sensation to strike again. And it did. A rapid tap tap tap that he could feel through his mate’s skin.
“I feel him, dove. Our little young. So tiny, but he’s strong.”
She turned, her brow furrowing with hope he could feel in their bond. “Ours?”
He met her eyes and gave a solemn nod. “Ours. From this moment on. I will find a way to be safe for you. And for him. No more hiding.” He moved his hand to brush the hair from her cheek. “No more hurting you.” His thumb rubbed along her bottom lip. “I promise.”
Watching for her to resist, Smokes lowered his mouth to hers, stopping a breath away from making contact. “Do you trust me?”
He wanted a yes, but he would understand a no. This time, if she gave him a chance, he would prove to both of their broken hearts that they were worthy.
Trembling, Janet whispered, “Yes,” and pressed her lips to his confirming it.
Chapter Twenty
Let your weakness be your strength. The line Toya repeated everyday they trained rolled through Janet’s mind as she molded her lips to her mate’s for the very first time.
The last few hours had been a roller coaster of hurts and decisions. Doubts and confusion. But before she left the bathroom, she promised herself one thing.
She promised herself she would be human. Flaws and all. Past mistakes and brutal truths. Because when her baby grew old enough to know her history, she wanted to tell it proudly, as a story of survival that included the happy ending that anyone in her position deserved.
No matter what faced her on the other side of the door, no matter what Smokes decided about them, she would stand for what she needed, and she would do it without feeling like a burden.
Right now, with Smokes’s confession thundering through her with each heartbeat, she desperately needed him. She needed him to burn the walls down and rewrite her story. And she wanted to do the same for him.
They didn’t have to be alone anymore.
Their first kiss was soft and exploring, and she could’ve sworn she felt all the pent up emotion he’d been hiding for so long. Was this what the others talked about? The mating bond. Just in case it was, she focused on her own desperate feelings, hoping he could understand them.
His kiss grew harder, his fingers digging in where he held her jaw. Janet moaned at the sensation of his hands on her. The roughness of his callouses on her cheek. These were his hands. Hands that cared for her. Hands that didn’t want to use or harm. Only love. And they were welcome.
Smokes broke away, breathing hard. “Fuck. I’m sorry. Give me a second.” He pressed his forehead to hers and her old insecurities came tumbling back. “Be careful, be gentle…” he breathed so quietly she barely heard him.
“What’s wrong?”
He closed his eyes tight and then rolled away to stand. “My dream,” he mumbled, pacing again.
“Tell me.”
“We… I was with you, in a dream.” He ran a hand through his hair, turning to stare at her with silver flames in his eyes. She’d seen it before, at Dyer’s. Firecat? “We were together, dove. And I was able to be safe for you. Gentle, like you needed. Until the end.”
“What happened in the end?”
“We burned up. I lost you. Everything but your heart, and it was ash.” His voice was the thinnest thread.
“It wasn’t real.”
“I know. I want to claim you. I want to make you my mate for life. Make our bond solid so you never doubt me again. Burn the walls down.” He knelt on the bed, dropping a slow measured kiss to her forehead. “But I won’t hurt you, Jan. I think we should wait.”
And then he was pacing the floor again, amped up with nowhere to go.
Janet didn’t want to wait. Now that the truth was out, she wanted to be his. Wanted her happily ever after. She was tired of living in quarantine over someone else’s mistreatment of her. She wasn’t the poison… Bastian was. His evil was.
And Smokes was the one who could change it all. Fierce protector. Maybe once he’d been someone else, and deserved the curse put on him. But now, he was just this. Her fierce protector.
“Do I get to choose?” she asked quietly.
Smokes stopped to stare at her, questioning. “Choose what, dove?”
“Whether or not we mate.”
His eyebrows rose into his forehead.
“What if I want to make the decision?”
“What if I lose control,” he countered.
“What if it’s okay to lose control?”
Breath chugged in and out of his chest, those flames still flickering in his gaze.
“You’ll hate me if I hurt you. I’ll hate myself.”
She remembered what Mama Kitty said about loving people even after they hurt you. Smokes wouldn’t do it on purpose, she knew. But on accident? Maybe.
Janet rose from the bed and went to stand before him. “You won’t hurt me.”
“How do you know?”
“I don’t.” Tugging at the hem of her sweatshirt, she lifted it over her head and tossed it to the floor. “But I trust you.”
“Jan, you can’t—”
“Not you,” she interrupted. “Your cat. You have flames in your eyes. And I know what th
e others have told me. Your beast won’t hurt me. And when you see that for yourself, you won’t worry anymore.”
She stepped closer, tugging her panties down until she could slip them from her legs.
“Jan,” Smokes warned, his voice growly with need.
“Don’t run away now. Need me as much as I need you. Want me…” her voice cracked “…like I want you. Want… us.”
“I already do.”
“Then show me.” She took one last step, putting her body within reach, offering whatever was left of her heart, for him to make whole.
Smokes blinked long and hard, and when his eyes opened, they were filled with lust and determination. “You’ll be mine. Forever, dove,” he rumbled, sounding more and more like the beast he was so afraid of.
But she wasn’t. Never would be.
She’d seen true monsters, and he wasn’t one of them.
“And you’ll be mine,” she reminded.
His gaze softened to that expression she’d seen so many times before, but was too scared to put a name to. “No one will ever take me from you,” he promised.
And then his mouth slammed down on hers in a brutal, blistering kiss, marking her like she’d never been marked before.
***
Smokes was wild as he furiously explored his mate’s mouth. The sweet fucking mouth he’d wanted to taste since the moment he saw her. And she was better than he could have ever imagined. Janet tasted like hot cinnamon honey and her skin was smooth as silk everywhere he touched. He was hard as stone for her.
Claim mate.
Instinct told him to solidify the bond as quick as possible. He wanted to take his time, learn and treasure every curve, every inch of his precious female.
But he wasn’t a fool. He wouldn’t doubt his instincts ever again.
Never breaking their kiss, Smokes lifted Janet into his arms and lowered her carefully to the bed. Groaning, he severed the connection long enough to lose his shirt and his jeans. When there was nothing between them, he settled between her legs to kiss his feelings into her.
This was better than any dream. Anything his mind could conjure.
The first time would be quick to seal the bond. Then he would savor her.
“First, we bond,” he managed in between hard pulls from her lips. “Then I show you what you mean to me.”
Janet nodded, her cheeks already rosy with lust.
Smokes sucked the hard bud of a nipple into his mouth, lapping hard enough to leave her gasping. He rubbed his cock along her folds to test her. His little dove was soaked and ready for him.
Lining up with her opening, he found her gaze and held it close. “Don’t be scared.”
“I’m not,” she promised, curling her legs around his waist and her hands in his hair.
With one powerful thrust, pushed into her, letting her body envelop him, complete him.
Mine, his beast roared. Finally, mine.
And something broke in Smokes as he eased out of her body and back in. As he watched her blissful expression and listened to her sweet moans. Something that he’d been carrying on his shoulders for a long damn time just… broke away. And in its place was something victorious and ferocious. Something strong and mighty.
Something worthy of the mate he held in his arms.
Smokes closed his eyes, tipping his head back, feeling her through the bond, all the way to his bones.
“Mine,” he growled when she lunged up to kiss his neck.
“Smokes,” she moaned as her pussy tightened around his cock. She was close, and the minute his mate came, he was going to mark her so good. She gasped. “Smokes, look.”
He opened his eyes to see her excitement. “Let me see you come, female.”
“But… but…” She moaned as he swiveled his hips, drawing every ounce of pleasure he could from her. With a strangled cry, the vice of her body clamped down on him as he thrusted through her orgasm, roaring as he spilled deep into her body, claiming her. A quick swipe across her belly with a claw he shouldn’t even have, left her marked. And like a goddamn miracle their bond was complete.
“Mine. My dove,” he sighed, as the connection between them lit up with all the things neither of them could yet say. This was their moment. This was their confession to each other. And it felt so good, no words could do it justice.
“Look,” Janet whispered softly against his cheek. “You’re on fire.”
“What?” He went still, sure he hadn’t heard her right.
“You’re burning,” she breathed in awe. “But not burning.”
What the fuck?
Smokes blinked, finally noticing what she had already seen. Fire.
Shit, no. “Fuck. No. Jan—”
Janet put her palms on his cheeks to steady him. “Wait. Look. It doesn’t burn.” She ran her hand along his bicep where a flame flickered but didn’t char his skin. “Not me and not you. You’re on fire, but it’s safe.”
“The hell…” How was this possible? He hadn’t shifted, but he was most definitely on fire.
“It’s amazing,” Janet breathed.
It lit his cheeks and lips. His hair too. Still, nothing burned. He couldn’t look between them to see if his cock was on fire. Too much, too soon.
“Does it feel hot?”
“Yes. But not too bad. Like a heater, not a flame.” She grinned with wonder and found his eyes. “I love it!”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. I’ll never be cold again.”
“Never, dove.” He kissed her lips softly this time, just to prove that he could.
His fire didn’t burn Janet, but would it burn the bed? One way to find out.
Wrapping his flaming arms around her, he twisted so that she was on top, straddling his waist. A trickle of blood dripped from her mark and he wiped it away. “It will heal pretty,” he promised.
She smiled like the fucking sun. “I know.”
“How do you feel?”
“Right now, I feel perfect,” she murmured. “But ask me tomorrow just to be sure.”
“I’ll ask you every day.”
“How do you feel?”
Smokes sighed. “Fucking invincible.” He was still hard and wedged inside her, and she was beginning to move her hips. He had to tell her before he got lost in her again. “Complete. I feel complete, dove. Complete like only you could have made me.”
She planted her hands on his chest and swiveled her hips. “I feel it all,” she murmured. “The walls are gone. I feel it all, and it doesn’t hurt. None of it. There’s just…” She went still, finding his eyes and cocking her head with a question. “Love?”
He nodded. “A twisted-up heart of cinder. Mangled in a way no one but us could ever understand. But it’s ours. And I will guard it with everything I am.”
“I know you will. You’re a protector. And as it turns out, a lover too.”
“As it turns out…”
He rose up to kiss her with flaming lips that didn’t burn, and knew, for once in his life, he’d done something right.
Epilogue
Janet pounded the punching bag with gloved fists, sweat dripping from her chin. She loved the feel of hitting things. Who would have thought?
Smokes watched from the sidelines, his eyes never leaving Janet as Toya instructed her how to move and where to focus. And she was ever aware of the growing belly that stuck out beneath the bottom of her t-shirt. It was very noticeable now, and she was learning how to punch around it.
It was hard to believe just how much things had changed in the past three months. She’d gone from a broken girl, sitting behind a wall of her own making to this. A badass mama-to-be, who could lean on her friends without feeling guilty.
She wasn’t sure how it all came to be, but she was pretty sure Mama Kitty was right, with all that stuff she’d said about loving herself. It was necessary, and it was hard as hell. Probably the hardest thing she’d ever done.
Janet chose to trust herself, trust who she was deep down i
n the places Bastian could never touch. The girl that her papa raised. The free spirit who loved to learn. The woman who wanted to make a difference for those who needed help the most.
That’s who was and who she had always been.
“That’s good,” Toya said. “Let’s stop for today. Get some water in you, girl.”
Janet grinned as she walked over to meet Smokes, and before she even reached him, he’d already built a fire on his fingers. He brought them to her cheek and she nuzzled the flame before he pulled it back into his body.
“Getting stronger,” he murmured.
“Me? Or you?”
He still hadn’t fully shifted into Firecat yet, but he burned, and it was all the same to her. The beast was inside him. It would come out when it was ready.
“Both,” he purred.
She went up on her tiptoes to kiss him but before their lips touched, a curdling scream ripped through the warehouse, taking them all by surprise.
“The fuck?” Smokes muttered.
“Skye!” Janet yelled. She’d know that sound anywhere. Heard it too many times in the past. A shiver rolled down her spine, but she shook off the memories as she and Smokes ran to Felix’s old room.
They weren’t the only ones. Ratchet and Dr. Gregory. Marlee and Nyla. Where was Vegas?
When they reached the room and pushed through the door, they found Skye furiously throwing whatever was within arm’s reach at a hole in the wall that used to be the air conditioner vent.
“Skye, what—” Janet started, but then she stopped cold when she saw the source of her friend’s anger.
Hanging halfway out of the ductwork was someone she had never planned to see again.
“Felix,” Smokes said.
The man in question looked up, one hand raised in defense of whatever Skye wanted to throw next. “Wanna give me a hand?”
Smokes helped pull him from the vent while Janet tried to comfort a furious Skye.
When he was free, Felix dusted off his hands and looked around the room full of Alley Cats. His face pulled back in a shit-eating grin and he whistled low.
