The Road to Hope
Page 10
A lump formed in Tom’s throat. It was heart wrenching to hear Alf speak about watching the love of his life slowly slip away from him. And far too close to home. He finally managed to speak. ‘I can only imagine how tough that would be.’
‘Ah, well. Life is what it is. It’s not all chocolates and roses, but I can’t complain too much about mine. We’ve had a good life together. We’ve been blessed with children and now grandchildren.’
The hospital doors closed automatically behind them.
‘You have a good night, Dr Lewis,’ Alf said. ‘This is me.’ He gestured to an old EH Holden wagon that looked to be in almost pristine condition. Tom could tell Alf looked after the car as well as he did his wife.
‘Thanks, Alf. I will, and you too.’ Tom dug his own keys out of his pocket. Speaking to Alf only strengthened his determination not to become involved with anyone in the long term. He couldn’t bear the thought of someone he loved being left in the same predicament.
While Alf climbed into his car, Tom looked back towards the hospital, again wondering whether to wait for Lauren or go straight home. Wanting to talk things through with her went against the grain of everything he’d decided when he’d left Adelaide and Lisa all those months ago.
But, although he didn’t want her to, Lauren mattered.
Lauren thanked God for small mercies when she arrived home to find the bathroom door shut. She sprinted down the corridor to her room, all but slammed the door and breathed a sigh of relief that she wouldn’t have to deal with Tom tonight. Her bed beckoned and she didn’t have the energy to get changed, or the inclination to risk a trip down the hallway to wash her face and brush her teeth. Dumping her bag on the floor and tugging her hair out of her high ponytail, she fell upon the bed, vowing to scrub her face and brush her teeth till they shone in the morning.
As her body hit the mattress, the tears she’d been holding back for the last hour broke loose and she grabbed one of her throw cushions and pulled it to her chest in a futile attempt to seek some kind of comfort. The night had been a complete debacle.
Part of her knew it was stupid to be so upset over a kiss—especially when it ranked as one of the hottest kisses she’d ever had—but it wasn’t the kiss that had her so worked up. The memory of Tom’s luscious lips locked with hers would haunt her dreams forever, but her shame and self-loathing wouldn’t allow her to enjoy it.
Maybe what people said about her behind her back was true. If she couldn’t even go two weeks without acting on her desire, how the hell was she supposed to change her ways? And if she couldn’t change her ways, she’d never find the kind of man worth waiting for. It might not be very feminist of her to need a man but she wanted one. She wanted someone to have a family and make memories with. The tears barrelled harder and as she hunted around for a tissue box, a knock sounded on her door.
Her heart shuddered. No one spoke, but it could only be Tom, and the thought of facing him overwhelmed her. She halted her search, lay very still and prayed he’d go away if he thought she was asleep.
No such luck.
Without another knock of warning, the door opened. Why hadn’t she gone to the effort of dragging her tallboy in front of it?
Knowing she must look like an oversized piece of puffed wheat, she turned away from him and pulled the covers up over her head.
‘I don’t want to talk about it,’ she said, loud enough that he’d hear through her duvet. Hell, she didn’t even want to see him right now. If it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t have broken her promise to herself. Why did he have to try to kiss her? Especially in bloody public. Well, it would be public by the time Taryn got off the phone to her mates.
Tom didn’t take the hint. Instead she heard him step closer. ‘I’m guessing this means you don’t want to pick up where we left off?’
Her teeth ground together and her fists bunched up the blanket. Did it look like that’s what she wanted? She slowly rolled over, meaning to give him the mother of horror glares, but instead took one look at him and the ache inside her intensified. She’d also forgotten about the tears barrelling down her face. Might have been a good idea to wipe away the evidence before facing him.
‘Oh, sweetheart.’ He rushed forward and joined her on the bed, sitting way too close for comfort. ‘Did some guy hurt you?’ He paused. ‘Or am I just a terrible kisser?’
She almost burst into laughter at that. He was wonderful and she reckoned he knew it. ‘You angling for a compliment?’
‘No, I…’ His cheeks coloured, his gorgeousness making her shaky heart turn in her chest.
She couldn’t bear the feeling. If she told him the truth, maybe he’d leave her alone. ‘I’m a slut, Tom. That is a fact.’
‘What?’ He screwed up his face.
Lauren took a deep breath and sat up, pulling the covers with her despite being fully clothed. She leaned back against the bedhead and levelled with him. ‘How long have you been in town?’
He thought a moment; she could almost see him making the calculations in his head. ‘Nine days tomorrow.’
She nodded. ‘And you can’t tell me that in that time you haven’t heard…things said…about me.’
He looked down at the bedding and his silence spoke volumes.
She scoffed. ‘It’s okay. I can take it. People may not say it to my face but I know they talk. I’ve been in a bathroom cubicle and heard things no girl wants to overhear. Truth is, every town has a slapper and in Hope Junction it’s me.’
‘Lauren—’
She cut him off. He was a nice bloke and would likely try to tell her she was being ridiculous, but he didn’t know the half of it. ‘I can’t blame them. In a place like this, if you sleep with more than one or two guys…word gets around. A girl gets a reputation, but I never meant to be like that. Growing up, all I wanted was to please people. It started with Mum and Dad. I wasn’t as smart as Frank and I don’t think they ever really wanted a second child, but I craved their approval.’
Tom didn’t say a word, just sat back and listened, and she found her words flowing freely. To him she confessed things she barely even knew she’d been feeling.
‘I struggled at school but Mum loved clothes, the latest fashion and make-up, so when I got old enough and could share this passion with her, she started spending more time with me than before. We’d go to the city and shop together, fawning over new outfits, and she’d compliment me on the way I looked, saying I had a body that made clothes sparkle. I thought the only way I could keep her interest was to dress well and give her something to be proud of.’
She sucked in a breath, biting back the new rush of tears that came with admitting she didn’t really think her parents loved her, wanted her.
‘I found that if I paid careful attention to my appearance, it wasn’t only Mum’s attention I got, but also boys’. And I liked it. I liked people looking at me and telling me how beautiful I was. It made me feel good and when boys made me feel good, I wanted to make them feel good too. I lost my virginity to the first boy who told me I was gorgeous. I was fifteen, he was seventeen and he played with me for a week or two until he got bored and moved onto the next thing.’
‘Shit, Lauren.’
‘Don’t!’ She held up a hand to him. ‘Don’t pity me. That’s what teenage boys are like. I should have learnt my lesson but instead I let the next boy lure me into the same trap. I just couldn’t help myself. Guys said nice things about me and I put out, hoping they’d keep saying nice things. Keep making me feel good—’ her voice dropped ‘—love me. But it didn’t work that way. Instead word got around that I was easy—a sure thing—and I pretended I didn’t care. I figured that one day Mr Right would come along and…’
Her throat choked up as she thought of Flynn.
‘And did he?’ Tom prompted.
‘He’d been there all along. A while back I thought my luck had changed. We’d been friends in high school but he’d never shown the slightest interest until a few months ago.’ She sig
hed. ‘Turned out he was just using me to try to protect himself against his real love.’
Tom frowned, clearly confused. She thought if she’d told him this much, she might as well tell him the whole lot. ‘Eight days ago I watched him marry someone else.’ She didn’t say Flynn’s name, she didn’t need to. ‘And it almost killed me. But I decided then and there that I had to change. No more sleeping with anyone who paid me a compliment, no more tight clothing and heavy make-up. And a change of scenery. That’s why I want to leave Hope Junction—so I can go some place where people don’t have preconceived ideas about me. I want a fresh start, a new life where I can feel better about myself.’
‘I see.’
That was it? He saw? What the hell was that supposed to mean? Now she’d spilt her guts to Tom he likely thought her a fruitcake as well as a tart. She should have kept her big mouth shut.
‘Yes,’ she shouted, aware she was taking all her pent-up anger out on him, but at the same time unable to rein it in. ‘And then you came along and ruined everything. You swaggered into the hospital and then turned up in my house and my hormones went psycho. The old Lauren would have had you flat on your back faster than you could say, “Where’s the condom?” But I was determined to resist—to prove a point to myself and to everyone else. Then tonight, not only did I succumb, but I did so in front of Taryn Heggarty, who happens to have one of the biggest mouths in town.’
She started to push the blankets back, deciding that after all that verbal diarrhoea she needed a stiff drink. But Tom reached out and cupped her face ever so tenderly in his palm. He forced her to look at him.
‘You weren’t the only one in that storeroom, Lauren. Forget about what other people think, and don’t sell yourself short. You’re a kind, intelligent and beautiful woman and you deserve to find someone who loves you and appreciates all that you are.’
At his lovely words, tears prickled at her eyeballs and hope sprouted in her heart. ‘I don’t suppose you want the job?’
He blinked slowly and his expression looked genuinely pained. ‘Lauren, trust me. I’m not the right guy for you.’
Her heart cramped, disappointment whooshing through her, but she pursed her lips tightly together and nodded. Sure he’d been happy to kiss her, likely would have been more than willing to take the next step, but like every other man she’d ever wanted, he didn’t believe she was take-home-to-mother material. This was her cue to go to the bathroom and drown herself in the toilet bowl.
She made to escape but his fingers closed around her wrist, drawing her towards him. Making her helpless to do anything but meet his gaze.
‘I’ve just come out of a long term relationship,’ he confessed. ‘It was messy in the end and I’ve got some issues to work through. I’m sorry. I’m not ready for another one.’
He clearly didn’t wish to discuss what those issues were, and Lauren didn’t want to pry. No doubt he was still in love with his ex, and no way did she want to come second best to another woman again. Not after Flynn and Ellie.
Shaking her hand free, she pasted on her best imitation of a smile. ‘Well, we’ve got that sorted then.’ She faked a yawn, even though she was—emotionally—exhausted. ‘We can both go to bed.’ Immediately she regretted her choice of words.
But his reply was serious. ‘I don’t want tonight to make things awkward between us. You’ve got a few more weeks till you leave and I’d feel bad staying in your house if me being here makes you uncomfortable. If I promise to be on my best behaviour, do you think we could be friends?’
‘Friends?’ She tried the word on for size. Had she ever been friends with a guy before? Was it even possible when your insides quivered each and every time the guy in question came close? Unable to answer this question, Lauren thought about Whitney and how things had changed between them lately, ever since she’d gone into full-scale baby production mode. It wasn’t Whitney’s fault but sometimes it felt like they were in two totally different worlds. The truth was, she could do with a friend—someone to hang out with and bitch about her day with, someone who would listen while she got things off her chest.
She cocked her head to one side, contemplating whether or not she could handle Tom taking on this role. Maybe it could work if she pretended he was gay. He was good-looking enough. They enjoyed cooking together, had gotten into a routine of daily morning laps and—possibly the best thing—being a doctor meant his eyes wouldn’t glaze over when she spoke about the highs and lows of working in a hospital.
‘Is it that difficult a decision?’ he asked, half smiling, half frowning. ‘You’re making me nervous, woman.’
She laughed. If he still wanted to be friends after everything she’d just said then she was willing to give it a shot. ‘Friends.’ She held out her hand, ignoring the spark that shot to her core when he shook. ‘On one condition.’
‘Anything,’ he promised.
‘You never call me “woman” again.’
Tom wished Lauren goodnight and retreated to his room but he was too buzzed for sleep. After that unforgettable kiss, his body was taut like the strings on a violin bow, but the thoughts running through his head were the killer.
As he closed the door behind him, he pulled his mobile phone from his pocket and dumped it on his bedside table, still in shock from the rawness of her confession. In many ways she was like her brother, but where Frank prided himself on the number of notches on his bedposts, Lauren hated herself for hers.
Tom hated how useless that made him feel. He was a fixer; if something was wrong he needed to find a solution.
He’d wanted more than anything to take her in his arms and show her just how beautiful and special she was, but in her case sex wasn’t the right medicine. If he slept with her now and then left—as he would have to do—that would only exacerbate her problems. Feeling defeated, he sat on his bed and tugged off his shoes. Lately it seemed there was nothing he had control over. That thought sent his gaze to his laptop, still in its bag on the bedroom floor.
He really should send an email to his parents. Hell, he should grow some balls and call. With each day that passed he thought picking up the phone would be easier, but if anything it was the opposite. Almost two months had gone by and the only contact he’d had with his family was a few likes on Facebook. He loved seeing the photos his sisters posted of his nieces, and even his mum was on Facebook now. He suspected she’d joined to give him another avenue to contact her, but all he’d done was accept her friend request.
‘You’re a loser,’ he told himself.
If one of his patients was acting like him—avoiding their loved ones and sleeping around to try to ease the pain—he’d have suggested counselling. But no amount of talking would fix his problems. Maybe that’s why he’d been reluctant to call his mum and sisters—women liked to talk in the same way men liked to fix. Yet he ached every time he thought about the distance he’d put between them.
He glanced at his watch. It was almost eleven o’clock and Adelaide was two and a half hours ahead; way too late to pick up the phone. But he could email. Maybe putting his fingers to the keyboard would help take his mind off Lauren.
Tossing his shirt aside, he picked the laptop off the floor and was just settling on the bed when his mobile rang. The sound in the deadly silent house startled him and his mind immediately went to an emergency. Discarding the computer, he swung his legs over the edge of the bed, mentally preparing for a call-out, when he noticed the caller ID.
His heart jolted in his chest as he read his twin sister’s name on the screen. Holding the phone, his fingers froze. Why would Monica could be calling? Had something happened to their dad? Panic swirled in his gut as somehow he forced his finger to accept the call.
‘Hello.’
‘Tom.’ It had been so long since he’d heard her voice that tears welled in his eyes. ‘I thought you weren’t going to answer,’ she admitted, sounding as if she were close to tears as well. ‘Did I wake you?’
‘No.’
He could hear the pity in her voice and it made him angry. It was all right for his sisters to give their opinion, but they couldn’t possibly understand. Monica had been tested too, she knew she was clear, and his other sisters—Caroline and Louise—had decided not to find out. If only he could turn back the clock and do the same.
‘I wish you’d stop avoiding us,’ Monica continued.
‘I’m not avoiding you,’ he snapped, needing to take his frustration out on someone. ‘I’m doing a job, seeing the country.’
‘And you’re working so hard, so busy travelling, you can’t find time for a phone call once a week? To your twin sister or the people who raised you?’
She had him there.
‘Mum’s going insane worrying about you, and it’s not like life is peachy for her as it is. She needs you, Tom. And what about your nieces? The girls miss you and so do I. We all need you.’
‘I miss you too.’ But right now the thought of seeing Monica with her gorgeous little family hurt too much. She had everything he’d dreamed of—a happy marriage and family life. A future. Everything he would never be able to have.
‘Then will you consider coming home for Christmas?’ she pleaded. ‘It might be Dad’s last one at home.’
She’d always been good at laying on the guilt but he wasn’t ready for that yet. Luckily he had a very good excuse. ‘I can’t, Mon. My contract here is until mid January and Christmas will probably be when I’m needed most.’
She sighed and he felt her pain in his heart. As twins, they’d always been close, always been able to feel the other’s emotions. That spooked a lot of people but he’d always found it comforting—knowing he had someone who understood him. Until this year. No matter how he felt, he hated to be the source of her sadness.
‘What if I promise to visit once I’m finished here? Before I start another job somewhere.’ His stomach twisted at the thought of going home and facing his father, but perhaps he could allay their worries with a quick trip.