Alice's Long Road Home

by Rosie James

  ‘You got good at everything, you three did,’ Roger replied slowly. The sun was hot, making tiny beads of perspiration glisten on his bronzed forehead, making his dark, tousled hair shine in the bright light. ‘But it was only you who could follow the horse with the hand-plough, Fay – and I’ve never seen anybody else mend a hedge as good as you, either,’ he added. ‘Nor as fast, either.’

  ‘Well – wha’s the good of hanging around?’ she retorted. ‘But it did hurt my hands for a bit afterwards,’ she admitted.

  He could scarcely take his eyes off her as they sat there together on the rough ground. Fay Reynolds had intrigued him – amused him – attracted him from the very beginning. She was smart – and good looking, Fay was. He’d always admired her appearance – and she’d looked really smashing as Alice’s bridesmaid. But that was nothing to how he admired her now, in farm garb…dark trousers, open-neck shirt, strong brogues on her feet, the wide-brimmed hat shielding her from the strong sun. And her long, blonde hair, reaching her shoulders, had always stirred something in him…from that very first day he’d wanted to smooth his hands through it…curl the tips of it between his fingers.

  They finished their drinks, then resumed the digging, working together in tandem. Not saying too much, just getting on with the job, the silence filled by constant birdsong, by the occasional mooing from the cows, the sound of a distant tractor.

  Presently, Fay stood back, tilting her hat back from her brow and Roger said – ‘Come on – we’ll have some lunch. Under that tree where there’s some shade.’

  They’d packed bread and cheese, apples, and flasks of tea, and for the next twenty minutes they sat there in comparative silence until they’d had enough. Then Roger lay back down, his hands behind his head, and stared up at the sky.

  After a moment, Roger said – without looking at her – ‘Do you remember, Fay, what we promised each other? You know, the day you’d been home to see your family? About…escaping…one day. The two of us?’

  Fay answered straightaway. ‘Course I remember,’ she said, lying down as well and turning her head to look at him. ‘We were going to go travelling weren’t we…to far-off lands to see animals in the wild. To free ourselves of everything to do with normality…of everything to do with our everyday lives.’ She paused. ‘If I remember rightly, we gave ourselves five years until that happened…and those five years have come and gone and we’re still here. We’ve hardly moved out of our own light, have we.’ She smiled a slightly cynical half-smile. ‘I somehow don’t think it’s ever going to happen, do you, Rog?’

  Now he turned as well, and they were facing each other, quite close, their faces almost touching. ‘We’re going to make it happen, Fay Reynolds,’ he said, and she moved back fractionally at the terseness in his voice. This wasn’t like Roger…

  ‘I don’t know, yet, how we’ll manage it, but we will…one day, we will,’ he went on emphatically, sitting up now, his arms around his knees. ‘Where there’s a will there’s a way – and we will do it.’ He paused, then – ‘I am determined to fulfil that ambition,’ he said. ‘So – please say you’ll stick with me, Fay…you did promise, didn’t you? And if two of us mean it, it will happen.’

  Fay sat up too, then, and without even realizing what she was about to do, she dropped her head on to his shoulder, turned her face in to his neck, breathing in the manly scent of him, the faint drift of his shaving soap. She didn’t say anything, and neither did he. They were both entranced, surprised, by this unexpected intimacy…this unusual act of familiarity…which Fay had prompted.

  Then – still tucked into him – Fay murmured – ‘I promise, Roger. We’ll make it happen. One day we’ll make it happen,’ she said softly.

  As the seconds ticked by, Roger didn’t want to move a muscle, or say a single word to spoil the enchantment of having this woman’s soft body so close to his, in this specific way…her hat had fallen off and her long hair falling slightly across his face, now, was making him want to bury his nose into it…to breathe some of her into him…

  And Roger Foulkes knew that he would never be in this position, ever again. This was his moment, and he was going to take it. Slipping his arm around her waist he pulled her even closer to him.

  ‘Stay with me, Fay,’ he said softly, ‘I mean…properly.’ He swallowed. ‘I mean – please say you’ll marry me…please.’ And when she didn’t reply, or even move, he went on – ‘But if you can’t bear the thought of being married, please say that you’ll always stay with me…you know…we could be a partnership or something.’ Was he in with even the smallest chance, Roger wondered? He knew – well everyone knew – that Fay didn’t have much time for the male sex in general, and he realized that something had happened in her life to make her feel like that. He didn’t know what it was, and he would never ask her. But all that was in the past…all that concerned Roger now, was the future. His – and this lovely girl’s, who he instinctively knew he could always trust. And if given the chance, he would prove to her that she could always trust him, too…

  ‘Because…’ now he was searching for words – ‘when you’re around, Fay, I look forward to every single day, and when you’re not, I feel…empty…somehow. Of course, the farm is where I must be, for the rest of my life – and where I want to be – and if you did agree to…be my…partner or something…it would mean that it would be your life, too.’ He swallowed again, wondering if he was making a complete hash of this, his first-ever marriage proposal, and as Fay was still so close to him and as quiet as a mouse, he hurried on – ‘I believe you enjoy the work as much as I do – but you wouldn’t always be expected to do it if you didn’t want to… I mean, if you wanted to go somewhere for a break any time, that would be fine by me and I’ve got enough money saved up…enough for both of us, so you could go and enjoy yourself with your friends. As long as…as long as you came back home afterwards…’

  For the next few moments, the silence between them felt to Roger that he was staring down into the darkest, deepest hole he’d ever dug in his life, and that he was about to fall into it. And the trouble was that everything he’d just said would be bound to alter the relationship between him and Fay for ever. If she turned him down, they’d never have the same happy, carefree…fun…yes, and sort of loving relationship which had grown up between them since almost the first day they’d met. Just now, he’d either gained everything, or lost everything. And as the seconds ticked by and Fay was still like a statue in his embrace, the perspiration on his forehead began slowly trickling down the side of his face.

  Try one more shot…

  ‘You don’t have to answer straightaway, of course, Fay,’ he went on quickly, ‘take as much time as you like. But just tell me you will think about it…about us.’ He paused. ‘Of course, first you’ll have to see what Alice and Evie say about it, won’t you?’

  Now Fay moved away, just slightly, and looked up into Roger’s deep brown eyes. So strong, yet never controlling, he really was the best male person she had ever known. The only male person who she knew could, and would, always see her points of view in vital matters…such as bringing up their children (yes, she wanted Roger’s children) to understand what was fair, right and proper in the world, to make it their business to fly the flag – especially for women in the workplace and in every other place – that it was no longer a man’s world, and that equality must be striven for. Their children would be taught to know when to speak up, to stand out from the crowd when necessary – and never, never accept the unacceptable without a fight.

  And as she gently wiped the sweat from his cheek with her thumb, Fay Reynolds knew that Roger Foulkes was the one man who could redress the balance in her life, and replace all the rebelliousness which had fed her hatred for so long…who could give her the emotional stability which had been absent all these years, and who could give her the peace of mind she so desperately longed for. And he knows her so well – knows that she will always be her uncompromising self, and that nothing
will ever change that. Quite simply, he was the man she had been waiting for, this lovable man who loved her, and would never ask more of her than she was prepared to give. The man she knew she could love.

  He spoke again – quietly, but urgently – ‘Take as much time as you like to decide, Fay,’ he repeated.

  And then her lips were on his, and she was kissing him, she – was – kissing – him! Begging him to kiss her back. And he did, fully, deeply, passionately. Then – eventually –

  ‘I think I could probably say yes, Roger Foulkes,’ she said softly.

  Then they kissed again…slowly…neither wanting to let these precious, eventful moments pass.

  Presently, Fay glanced at her watch. ‘We’re on the milking round this afternoon, aren’t we?’ she murmured. ‘Come on, let’s get going. Those cows will be getting anxious.’

  May 1951

  ‘Come in, Mrs. Carmichael…take a seat.’

  The doctor greeted Alice kindly as she entered, and he glanced down at his notes. He had seen this patient a few times last year, and a quick observation of her now told him that she looked fit enough…she was a very pretty, graceful woman…but that was the trouble with this condition. It could be hidden.

  Alice sat down, glancing around her. She knew this surgery by now.

  ‘And – how have you been feeling since I last saw you?’ the doctor enquired.

  ‘About the same,’ Alice replied. ‘I am taking the tablets…but occasionally I feel very panicky…which is not like me at all,’ she went on slowly. ‘I mean, I have nothing to feel panicky about…this feeling that I am not in…not in control…frightens me.’ She shrugged helplessly. ‘Can you explain why that happens?’

  The doctor shrugged briefly. ‘Not really, Mrs. Carmichael – but unfortunately panic attacks can be a feature of melancholia sometimes…’ He looked at her over the top of his glasses. ‘You haven’t thought any more about my suggestion of acquiring a dog, have you?’ he said, and Alice interrupted –

  ‘Well – that might be difficult because we are not sure where we might be living, you see,’ she said. ‘At the moment my husband is still based in Bristol, though he has had to go back to London a few times. Until we are finally settled somewhere I think it would be…awkward…to have charge of a dog.’

  The doctor nodded slowly. Then – ‘But do bear it in mind because, you know…to guide the blind is only one of the things the amazing creatures are capable of.’ He waited before going on – ‘ I have experience of how a dog can transform lives beyond all expectations. Believe me, I have seen it happen – more than once. So – at least keep that somewhere in your mind.’ he repeated, ‘for future reference.’ He turned back to his desk. ‘Now then, let’s see if I can prescribe something else which might help you in the meantime,’ and without looking at her – ‘You have still not told anyone else about all this?’

  ‘No,’ Alice said firmly. ‘This is my problem, and I will deal with it myself. However long it takes me, I will get over it.’ Stay strong, keep on an even keel.

  ‘Well – as I’ve mentioned before, it does help to share this with others,’ the doctor began, and Alice interrupted –

  ‘No. I will deal with it myself,’ she said, then, more slowly – ‘I will deal with it…myself.’

  The day was fine enough as Alice left the surgery and began walking slowly back home. But she wasn’t feeling fine…because, stupidly, she’d hoped that the doctor would have been able to tell her about some new treatment or other that he’d discovered to ease her feelings of despondency. But as usual there was no change there.

  Keep persevering, keep on an even keel…

  Anyway, at least neither Evie – nor Fay – seemed to be coming up with any interesting news of their own to add to Alice’s depression. Evie had been married for nearly two years, Fay not even twelve months yet – quite long enough in each case to announce a happy forthcoming event. But thankfully, thankfully, nothing yet…

  Then Alice allowed herself a little smile as she remembered Fay and Roger’s wedding last October. Although it was astonishing that Fay had relinquished her single status after all she’d said about men in general, Alice and Evie hadn’t been at all surprised to hear of the engagement… Fay and Roger had always had a special bond between them. And for Alice, that joyous day had, for a short while, lifted her spirits slightly. It had been held at the church in Brislington where Fay’s mother and grandmother went, and afterwards everyone had gone back to the farm for the reception. And it seemed that the whole village – throngs of people – had turned out to wave at the happy couple and their guests as the cars had slowly made their way up the long, familiar track to the farmhouse. Mabel had even put the victory bunting up all over the place, and the little flags had fluttered in the light autumn breeze, signalling yet another momentous occasion – if not for the whole country, then certainly for this well-known local family and one of their Land Girls.

  But Mabel had not done the cooking that day. A marquee had been erected in the long meadow, caterers had provided all the food – and the whole event had been relaxed, casual, even – because Fay had decided that she didn’t want a lot of fuss – in fact, she didn’t want any bridesmaids, nor did she want a man to give her away. She just wanted Alice and Evie to walk alongside her down the aisle to meet Roger – who had looked absolutely stunning in his formal suit – and just be there as her support. Those three wise monkeys needed to be close on these occasions…

  October 1951

  ‘Hello? 2-1-3-2…’

  Gloria’s homely voice over the wires made Alice smile.

  ‘Hello, Mrs. Travers…just ringing to see how you and Mr. Travers are,’ Alice said. ‘It’s a little while since we’ve had a chat, isn’t it?’

  ‘Oh hello Alice my love! We’re fine…absolutely fine,’ Gloria enthused. ‘And of course it’s our little James Malcolm’s fourth birthday tomorrow – and his mum and dad are bringing him here for the day to celebrate!’ She hardly paused for breath before saying rapidly – ‘Can you come as well, Alice? I think you’ve only seen James once before, haven’t you, and he’s grown so much! That time has just flown by! But he’s a sweet child – we call him Jamie now, because we think it suits him – and I know you will love him, Alice! Do say you can come…it’ll be a birthday tea, you know, with candles and jelly, that sort of thing…’

  ‘Oh – well,’ Alice began, but Gloria hadn’t finished.

  Lowering her voice, she went on –‘As a matter of fact, they think Mary is pregnant again! It’s a bit of a secret, because it’s very early days for her…but Mary is absolutely sure she is expecting…and it’ll be just right, won’t it? Because Jamie will be starting school, so she won’t have him under her feet all the time! Couldn’t be better, could it?’ Gloria added breathlessly.

  ‘It certainly couldn’t, Mrs. Travers,’ Alice said slowly. ‘And I’m so pleased for them.’

  There were a few seconds’ silence, Gloria not liking to ask Alice about herself…whether she was hoping to start a family – because of course she would be. It was only natural. But like their Mary, and many like her, it was obviously taking its time. Gloria cleared her throat.

  ‘And how’s Sam…still working all the hours God gives I suppose?’ she said.

  ‘Yes, Mrs. Travers,’ Alice replied, ‘but thanks to his last exam results he’s been able to by-pass eighteen months of his training…so he’ll be qualified a bit earlier than we’d thought.’ Alice paused. ‘He’s always been so good at exams,’ she added.

  ‘And I never passed one in my life!’ Gloria exclaimed. ‘So it takes us all to make a world, doesn’t it, Alice?’ Then – ‘So, will you come to the party tomorrow afternoon, dear? You know how much we love seeing you.’

  Alice had already made up her mind. ‘No – really sorry, Mrs. Travers, but I have a charity meeting to go to…these things happen fairly regularly and I must attend them as often as I can. But thank you for asking me,’ she added quickly – �
��and do have a lovely time with Jamie, won’t you…’

  They finished talking, then Alice replaced the receiver and sat down on the small padded chair by the table. She had been feeling much more optimistic lately, more in possession of her own feelings, and she didn’t want to do anything that might shift the precarious balance. To go over to Totterdown and see little Jamie Malcolm romping all over the place with his presents, and to listen to Mary already making plans to welcome another baby into the family would be enough to undermine the effect of these new tablets Alice had been taking…in fact, she knew it would be enough to push her back the precious couple of steps she felt she’d achieved over the last few months…when she’d actually completed five more chapters of the novel. There was still a long way to go, but she felt she might be getting there…one day she would finish it and send it somewhere for others to judge…she’d promised her mother that she’d never give up.

  It was midnight before they went to bed – Sam had been late back and they hadn’t had dinner until 8 o’clock.

  Wearing one of her honeymoon nightdresses, Alice was sitting at the dressing-table, taking time to brush out her hair, and Sam came across and placed his hands on her shoulders. He looked at her through the mirror and their eyes met, then he took the brush from her and began to complete the task himself, smoothing it down her long, wavy locks over and over again, and Alice bent her head back and closed her eyes. And after a moment, Alice murmured –

  ‘We are both so lucky, Sam. To have each other – and…and maybe that’s all we’re meant to have,’ she went on, her voice no more than a whisper, ‘maybe it’s always going to be just us two.’