Harris Channing

by In Sarah's Shadow

  Stepping into the main room, his stomach roiled at the sight of Reg Crocker sitting beside Bobbie on the bed, his arm draped over her shoulder as he whispered intimately into her ear.

  Why was it jealousy coiled around his heart and squeezed? Why did he care if another man, a man more than willing to offer her a future, showed interest? Isn't that what he wanted? To be rid of her?

  Yet, as he looked at her his jealousy dissipated, her hurt was every bit as deep and debilitating as his. If comfort had been what Reg offered, she wasn't accepting it. She sat stone faced, her tears all but gone.

  He slid Reg a glance. "I'll see to her. You go on back home now."

  Reg tilted his head, his eyes wide. "I can't leave the lady like this. I feel responsible for hurting her. Surely, you don't expect me to just go when she's in such need."

  Heat sped to his cheeks and his anger flared. "Get out Reg. I said I'll see to her just as I have been."

  "You're practically drunk right now, man. I don't suppose…"

  David dropped the glass, the precious whiskey seeping into the dusty floorboards. "Are you deaf? I said get out of my home. She's my responsibility."

  Finally, Bobbie stirred from her trauma. "You'll see to me now? When only moments before this dreadful news, you wanted to leave me at the trading post? To desert me? What's changed?"

  What had changed? He didn't know, exactly. Perhaps, he had. Perhaps her need for support overtook his need to take her to his bed. Perhaps her loss mirrored his and he knew exactly what she felt and longed to ease her pain with his understanding. Or perhaps the sight of her with another man sobered him to the point of foolishness.

  "I don't know. But I do know you're vulnerable and it's my duty to keep you safe." He rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "You have been my responsibility since you arrived, begging me to save your life."

  He came to his knees before her, and set his hands possessively on her knees. "Stay with me, Bobbie. Let me help you through this."

  She met his gaze, her eyes pleading, and her lower lip atremble. "You have to promise you won't leave me with strangers, David. You are the only friend I have. If you are going to desert me, do so now."

  "I'll see to her needs, Henderson," Reg inserted, his voice calm and reassured. The oily snake was trying to slip into Bobbie's life at a weak moment. He clenched his jaw and fought the urge to bloody the man's nose.

  "I'll not leave you with strangers, Bobbie. When the snow melts I'll take you to California…"

  "No." She shook her head. "I've no one there. That was my father's dream."

  He scanned his foggy memory. "To Illinois, then."

  She audibly swallowed. "No, I've no one left in this world…no one but you."

  Her statement had him rising to his feet. "Bobbie…"

  "She needs you man!" Reg shouted, he too standing, shoulders squared, chin raised with righteous indignation. "You're going to stand there and push the poor girl away? And for what? Guilt over Sarah? You have wasted far too much time grieving over that one."

  Rage permeated every cell in David's body. Without thought, he grabbed Crocker up by the lapels and stared into his watery blue eyes. "How dare you speak of my wife in such a manner."

  Reg raised his hands. "I meant no disrespect. But she's gone and Bobbie needs you, here and now." He looked in Roberta's direction, his voice oozing with compassion. "You and I are strangers, but please know you are welcome in my home."

  Still holding tight, David pressed Reg toward the door but Roberta had raced over, her hands clutching at his arms. Her scarred fingers were surprisingly strong as she fought for Reg's freedom.

  "Stop this! My God, I've lost my family and still I must deal with Sarah's loss. Can I not take a moment to deal with my own?" The tremor in her voice, the earnestness of her plea and he let go of Reg, but not before giving him a healthy shove. The man reeled back, slamming into the far wall.

  "Damn you Henderson. You are a son of a bitch!" Springing forward, his fist connected painfully with David's nose. The taste of his own blood mixed with whiskey and he damn near vomited. He intended to charge forward, yet at the sight of Bobbie's face, he stopped. Sorrow had replaced her anger and she shook her head. Defeated.

  "You two fight l-like dogs over a scrap. Selfish, the both of you." She scolded them like school children, and ashamed he lowered his head. She was right, for once it wasn't about Sarah or his grief. It was about someone else.

  "He pushed me to the brink!" Reg countered. "I beg your pardon, Miss Roberta."

  "Just go, Mr. Crocker. Please, I need peace and there will be none if you two roosters continue to squabble."

  "As you wish." He bowed his head with a gentility that belied his surroundings. "And rest assured, your family is at peace. They will be lodged in my barn until the ground thaws enough for burial."

  A new horror seemed to take hold of her. Her lower jaw bounced as if an icy wind had attacked her and she wrapped her arms about her middle. "All three of them?"

  "Yes." His tone had softened as had his countenance. The man was positively glowing with sympathy and David fought back another urge to take yet another swipe.

  "M-May I come see them?"

  "I don't know if that's such a good idea," Reg said, his voice wavering a bit.

  "Why?" she asked. He would have thought it impossible, but her face grew paler. "Are they ravaged by beasts? P-Please tell me their death was not horrendous."

  "No, I believe it was rather swift. Please do not haunt your mind with such thoughts." After a long moment, Reg finally looked to David and raised his brow imperiously. Damnation how he hated the man. "Bring her tomorrow, won't you Henderson?"

  David wiped his bloody nose on the sleeve of his coat, the red smear bright against the stained tan hide. "I will. And we'll bring them here as soon as I can." He sniffled. "We'll put them to rest beside Sarah."

  Bobbie cast her full attention on him, a strange expression etched on her face. It was filled with not only her sorrow, but was it gratitude? "Please, can we not go now? I must see them with my own eyes. I have to be certain."

  Reg sidled up to David and leaning in whispered. "They are not in any shape for her to see. I only just found them and came immediately to you."

  "Are they injured?"

  "Yes. Their wagon slid down a ravine and the father is down there. Looks as though his neck is broken, the horses too, mangled beneath the debris."

  David's stomach ached at the picture. He glanced at Bobbie, her eyes pooling with tears as she waited for him to insist they go immediately.

  "I only found the other two when I caught sight of a black ribbon tied to a tree branch. They were pretty near buried under a drift. I dug them out." His words were so quiet that David strained to hear them. "I would rather have them bound in sheets and in quiet repose before she sees them." He drew his lower lip between his teeth, thoughtfully. "She need not remember them as I will. It was a sad, desolate picture. The boy, curled up in his mother's lap as they froze to death."

  David nodded his agreement. "All right. Do you need my help in moving them to your place?"

  An appreciative smile lifted the corners of Reg's mouth and he shook his head. "No, sir. I can tend to them. They are very near my homestead."

  Despite his aching nose, David was grudgingly grateful. Without meaning to, he had become attached to Roberta, and being by her side at this particular moment was the only place he wanted to be.

  Chapter 7

  Bobbie couldn't believe her eyes. The pair of them huddled in the corner discussing her as if she were a child…worse, as if she weren't in the room.

  "I'll see you tomorrow, Miss Roberta," Reg said coming to her and bowing low. He stood, his blue eyes positively illuminated with his compassion, compassion she didn't want. She wanted her family.

  "You're not going anywhere without me!" she shouted, very nearly flying toward the door. "I have to see them. I won't believe they're gone until I do."

  Reg spun around and b
locked her escape, while David reached for her from behind. Pulling her to him, he secured her in his vice-like embrace. "You'll see them tomorrow."

  She fought against him as Reg made good his escape, the blast of cold wind from the open door momentarily taking her breath away.

  With the cabin door secured, David eased his hold. "It's for your protection, Bobbie."

  "My protection?" She heard the words, understood their meaning and yet didn't know what he meant. "How can you protect me from this? If my family is dead, there is no protection. I am stripped of everything."

  The reality of her situation threatened to devour her. Her throat constricted as she fought to breathe.

  David pulled her closer, rubbing her back. Instead of pushing him away, she clung to him. Whatever strength he had to offer, she would accept, for God knew she needed it. Needed him.

  Tears streamed down her cheeks and finally all the grief she tried to stifle rose to the surface and she released the pain. Heavy sobs exploded and she crumpled, David catching her, cradling her against his hard chest.

  “You’ll be all right,” he whispered, carrying her to the bed. Setting her down, he knelt on the floor at the bedside, caressing her knuckles with his work-calloused fingers.

  Her breath hitched as she fought sorrow's spasms. Dear God, this was dreadful. Her worst nightmares come true. Everyone she had ever loved annihilated.

  "Why can't we go now?" she asked, pulling free of his gentle touch.

  "You have trust me. Waiting is for the best." He lifted his gaze and his expression bespoke of his worry, but not his worry for Sarah, but for her. How could she find a grain of good in the desert of bad?

  "I do trust you." Lifting her trembling hand, she stroked his bearded chin.

  He wrapped her fingers in the warm fold of his grip, and sweetly kissed her knuckles. "I'll do my damnedest to see to you Bobbie." His warm breath heated her skin, and she realized she needed more than words from him. She ached for him to come closer, needed to feel him alive and warm at her side and yet she hesitated, staring at him through her tears.

  "Lay down, darlin'. Try to get some rest."

  "I can't, I don't want to. I want to see my family." She raked her fingers through her hair, tugging at the tangles, the pain to her scalp nothing in comparison to the pain in her heart.

  "You have to try."

  "Why? What good will it do?" She sprang to her feet and David stood, blocking her escape. Didn't he understand her need to get out of this place? The only way she would sleep was if she knew she'd wake up in heaven with Ma, Pa and Robert. But no. That wasn't what was going to happen. She was going to toss and turn only to rise and face a new day rife with fresh horror.

  A crooked smile eased the seriousness of his expression, yet his eyes reflected his sympathy. "Where do you think you're going?"

  "Out of here, that's where. I need to run until I fall down dead." She tried to move past him, but he shifted, keeping her trapped between his bulk and the bed.

  "You know I'm not going to allow that to happen."

  "Why not! You don’t want me here!" She again tried to move past him but this time he stilled her, her hands tight on both her shoulders.

  "I will not bury you beside Sarah, do you understand me?" He pulled her hard into him and all the resistance slid from her body.

  "David, this is all so unfair." Sobs popped from her lips and she rested her forehead against his chest. He eased his grip, stroking her hair.

  "I know."

  "What exactly am I s-supposed to do?"

  She heard him sniffle. "I'm hoping you can tell me, that way we can both move forward."

  Pulling away the smallest bit, she looked up into his face, tears clung to his eyelashes. "Oh, David, I feel sick, and shocky. The whole world has become surreal." She dragged her lower lip between her teeth and bit it. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do with myself."

  "I'm so sorry this is happening to you." Easing his grip, he slid his hand down her arm, encasing her fingers in his hand. "I would do anything to have found them alive." And in his answer, she saw a side of him she'd not seen before, a less morose man, a compassionate man with a loving heart. Sarah had been a very lucky woman, indeed.

  "I so need to see them. Why won't you take me now?"

  He momentarily closed his eyes and dragged a deep breath into his lung. "Reg needs time to get them ready for you. As I said, you have got to believe that it's for your own protection."

  She raised a dubious brow.

  "Please, rest now," he continued. "Tomorrow will not be an easy day for you."

  As much as she wanted to question him further, she recognized the stubborn expression in his narrowed eyes, not to mention how his jaw twitched.

  "Rest? Perhaps I can lie down and cry rather than sitting up to cry."

  "Or perhaps you'll sleep."

  Maniacal laughter clogged her throat. "Sleep. Perhaps if I had a bottle of your whiskey."

  Despite her better judgment, she removed her coat and boots and unmaking the bed, she lay down staring through her tears at the cobwebbed laden ceiling. This place most certainly was a far cry from her home in Illinois.

  Illinois…why did her father have to take them away? Why? They would be going to church in the morning. They would be preparing to celebrate her birthday or Ma would be humming in her rocking chair before the fire with Pa reading the Bible in the corner and Robert studying his lessons. The memory unfolded in her mind, the sweet simplicity of her life something she ached to have again.

  Huge teardrops slid down from her eyes and she didn't think she'd ever be able to stop them.

  ***

  He towered over her, not knowing what to do. Damnation, he'd been through this when Sarah died, how was it he didn't know what to do to help. His heart ached for her.

  "Tell me what I can do," he said, knowing he sounded completely weak and ineffectual. All he wanted to do was grab the last bit of whiskey and drink it down and yet he stayed, too worried to leave her side.

  "You can't do anything. There's n-nothing to be done except for me to accept things as they are." An agonized moan sped from the depths of her soul. "I don't think I can do that."

  "Unfortunately, you don't truly have a choice." He sat on the edge of the bed and pulling a handkerchief from the pocket of his coat, he wiped away her tears. "I know you can't believe it now, but it will get easier."

  She gazed up at him, her eyes searching is face. "It hasn't gotten easier for you."

  He offered her a small smile. "It would have, had I not had the guilt of letting her down." He leaned in closer and kissed her forehead. "You sweet Bobbie, have done nothing to feel guilty about."

  She audibly swallowed. "Oh, but I have. I survive while they are gone."

  He understood that sentiment only too well. Still hovering above her, he kissed her cheek. "I am so very glad you did."

  "Really?" Her voice sounded weak, wispy. Damnation, did she really believe he wanted her dead and gone?

  Pulling back he stared down at her, so beautiful, fresh, and young. Her countenance heartbreakingly pale with her pain and suffering. "Yes really." He couldn't stop himself. No. He bent forward, kissing her, savoring the salty sweetness of her lips.

  When she sighed, he deepened the kiss, the need in him so strong that he increased the pressure. God help him, he hadn't wanted a woman like this in eons, but more than that, when she yielded, Sarah was the furthest thing from his mind.

  He slipped his tongue into the warmth of her precious mouth, and when her arms slipped around his neck, he savored the delicious feel of her complete submission. Oh, how he wanted to give and take comfort. Oh, how he needed to find the ultimate release.

  Sickening guilt collided with his passion and he ceased his kiss. "David," she whispered against his lips. "You are such a wonderful man."

  He pulled away, shame washing over him. What sort of man would take advantage of someone so completely vulnerable? He was not wonderful, he was a ra
ndy beast, undeserving of the compliment. "If you knew what I was contemplating, you would know that I'm not wonderful. Dear lady, you arouse me to the point of selfishness."

  He pulled away from the tangle of her arms, feeling every bit the villain. "Where are you going?" she cried out. "I need you, David."

  Yet instead of looking into her face, he averted his eyes, too ashamed. "I'm sorry," he said and stood, presenting her with his back. He had to get away, needed to compose himself. His anger surged, what had come over him and what made him think making love to her would help anyone but him?

  He marched toward the door, determined to put more distance between them.

  "I like it when you kiss me. I want to feel something other than sadness and for a moment I did, "she said, her words coming out on a quiver.

  Remorse added another layer of self-loathing to the already insurmountable pile and the heaviness in his soul weighed on him like a blacksmith's anvil.

  "I enjoy it too," he admitted. "Too much."

  "But--"

  "I'm going to get Alfred," he interrupted, realizing a change in subject was what this very uncomfortable moment called for. "Poor fellow took one look at Crocker and ran into the stable." He grunted and set his hand on the door handle. "Don't suppose he likes it out there much. Besides, Ned may need some water that's not frozen."

  "You're leaving? Now? When all this has happened and I need a friend?"

  He bit back his frustration. Didn't she understand he had to get away from her? "Bobbie, I can't do this…I am not the man you want."

  "But you are." He glanced back at her. She sat up in the bed, her hair hanging across her shoulders, her large gray eyes glistening in the midday light and her jaw bouncing with emotion.

  "Why? I'm irreparably damaged. My heart is cut off from everything in this world…and that includes you. You must understand, I will see to your food, shelter and warmth. Everything else has to be off limits."

  "I have enough love for both of us," she replied, her hand flying to her mouth as if her declaration horrified her.