“I’d never had a virgin before. First time for everything.”
She smacked his arm and he laughed as she finally released a smile.
“Now, apologize for trying to burn my tongue off.”
“I’m not totally sorry for that,” she mumbled. She was still a tad annoyed that he sat there with Odette like they were some kind of family.
“Ah, but sweetheart, if my tongue is permanently damaged, just think of all the things I can’t do with it. You don’t want that now, do you?” He grinned wider and cupped her face in his hand before planting a big, loud kiss on her mouth. “The blushing virginal thing? Kinda hot, I have to tell you.”
“I don’t mean to be,” she responded grumpily. Eventually, however, she said, “I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “I had no idea you’d be the jealous type. I’ll be more careful.”
“I didn’t know either. But that’s not what I’m sorry about—” she hesitated. How did she tell Ian she was sorry she thought she wanted his brother and never considered wanting him? She took in a breath for courage. “I’m sorry I ever thought I wanted Shane.”
“I’m sorry you thought you did too.”
“But in my defense, you always acted completely uninterested in me. I had absolutely no clue you liked me. You never even glanced at me.”
“I didn’t glance, I gawked. I fantasized dirty, nasty things that would take that blush of yours to a permanent level.”
“No, Ian. I would have noticed. You can literally look through me as if I’m glass or air. You can be like a stonewall in a room and release nothing. You always hide what you think, or feel; even if you like the temperature of the room. It’s not funny. I cannot read you.” He didn’t respond and his expression did not change. “You’re doing it right now!”
He stepped back, obviously surprised by her sudden screech. “I know. I don’t mean to do it. I’ll try to work on that, okay?”
She swallowed and stared downwards. When she spoke, her voice shook with new emotions she wasn’t even sure until that moment she could feel. “Please, don’t look through me as if I’m not there. I can’t stand it.”
He gathered her in his arms and hugged her tightly. She felt his mouth on her hair and finally collapsed against this chest. His heartbeat was audible to her ear. She loved the feel of him: so warm and safe and constant. He represented protection and passion, although she had no idea she lacked those things until he provided them. “What if someone notices?”
She shrugged. “I’m not very secure. With you, or myself. I’m kind of pathetic. I just need to know I’m not imagining what happens in private when we’re in public. It’s like, privately, you show me a world I never imagined, and then, in front of others, you just close up. It’s like someone shuts the door and takes that world away from me forever. I can’t explain it. I’ve never felt that way before.”
His breath released. When he spoke, he sounded as soft as she. “I haven’t either. You’re not the only one who is insecure. I’ve never felt this way either.”
She slowly raised her head and their gazes collided as they simply stared at each other. Shane. Her past. Her future. Her worries. Her concerns. Her dreams. Her ambitions. In that moment as they stared at each other, everything else that seemed to have importance to her simply sparked, flashed, and disappeared like smoke into the atmosphere. She’d never felt such an intense rush of feeling. It started in her brain and branched down her entire body, filling even her toes with the light, deep, crazy, and very powerful feelings. It took her breath away and her heart skipped a beat. All her intoxicated mind could comprehend was that Ian Rydell was before her right here, and right now, and she wanted to hold onto that moment forever.
She never believed things could last. All she saw in that strange, critical, deep moment of staring at each other was everything she could lose and how much it could hurt her.
Ian smiled and even her most dismal, dark fears suddenly fluttered away. The promise of what he could be to her outweighed everything else in her entire life.
****
Her words spun circles in his head, “Please, don’t look through me as if I’m not there. I can’t stand it.” There were so many different ways she portrayed that to him. How she felt unloved, unwanted, unneeded and unrespected by everyone, from her mother to her father, to her brothers. None of them realized how their careless actions affected her. The continuous “doormat treatment” only made her believe that no one would ever treat her any differently.
He rolled over onto his back and tucked his hands behind his head as he stared at the ceiling. He was alone because, of course, his girlfriend couldn’t stay here. Not without a lot of questions. Questions she wasn’t ready to answer. At least, she finally seemed to realize she wanted him, and not his brother. They weren’t such an odd, strange accident, and didn’t just happen to fall into each other’s arms at that lake. She was starting to need him.
Just like he wanted her to. He used her naivete about sex to get her to want him. And desire him. And lust after him as much as he did her. And now, it was working.
Why, then, did he feel so damn lousy about it? Her eyes were starting to shine with a newfound trust towards him. She actually believed in him. She was even starting to believe how he felt about her and she took some strength from that. But that just provided her with a huge reason to stay there in River’s End. The place he now wanted her to stay forever.
She would never leave. She thought her father needed her too much, and the guilt of that obligation kept her in place. He could make sure she would never leave there, or leave him.
All he had to do was turn her into the one cliché she spent her life trying to avoid.
The knock on his bedroom door was a soft, girlie knock and he sat up. Kailynn? He glanced at the clock. It was seven. Would she risk it? He grabbed his pants off the floor and threw them on as he jerked the door open. He stepped back, startled to find Erin standing there.
“What’s up?” he asked, glancing past her.
“Can I talk to you?”
He nodded and indicated for her to come in. She entered and sat down in the chair he kept in the corner. He slipped on a t-shirt. No reason to have Jack get a heart attack at finding him semi-clothed with his girl. “What’s up?”
“It’s you, isn’t it? You’re the guy who Kailynn is falling for. She thought Shane was who she wanted and you’re the one she ended up with.”
He rubbed his eyes and sat down on the edge of the bed. “I must assume she’s talked to you.”
“Told me everything, but names.”
“Great,” he mumbled. “What did you intend to add?”
“She seems happy. Far happier than I’ve ever seen her. She smiles so much more. I figured out it was you. She blushes and averts her eyes every time she even catches a glimpse of you. Congratulations, Ian, I do believe she’s fallen in love with you.”
Erin’s tone was pure sarcasm. “What the fuck did I do to offend you? You’re mad that I took her virginity? I didn’t know until it was too late.”
“I know. She told me.”
“So… what is this really about?”
Erin stood up and walked to the window. “She doesn’t want this kind of life. This ranch saved me, but it’ll destroy her. It will suffocate her and ruin everything young and innocent and good inside of her. She’ll grow old while she’s still young, and bitter. She’ll become everything she hopes to avoid.”
“Jesus, could you paint a grimmer or more depressing picture? Okay, so I’m ruining her. What’s your point, Erin? And don’t spare my feelings.”
She whipped her head around. “Ian, you were my first real friend here. Before Kailynn, before Shane, and even before Jack. You know how I feel about you. This isn’t about you. It’s about her. She deserves a chance to fulfill her dreams. She can’t do it here. Here, she’ll never be anything more than a waitress and a girl going nowhere from Gunderson Hills.”
“Is this about Lynnie?
Or you? Not fulfilling your dreams and your potential? Come on, Erin, you’re kind of the pot calling the kettle black. Is this because she can achieve the one thing you can’t?”
She glared at him. “Yes. It is. I need to believe that she can do it. I can’t stand the thought she sacrificed all those dreams and talent and the ability to do it, if she abandons it. I love Jack, but he can’t fill the hole inside of me. I’m just disappointing myself. No one can fill that hole inside another.”
He got up and moved closer to Erin. “I’ll make sure she goes to college, okay? Can you trust me?”
Erin tilted her head back to look into his face. “Wow. You do love her then, don’t you? Why can’t you just tell me what you’re thinking?”
“Just trust me.”
Erin nodded and turned to leave. She stopped with her hand on the door. “Tell me, Ian, will she ever know? Will she ever know you love her? Will she ever know whatever you’re going to do to make it happen? Will you ever give her the chance to realize what kind of man you truly are?”
He dropped his head and relaxed his shoulders. “No. She won’t know. If she knows, she might not leave. Or she might hate me for it, and leave. Either way, I lose.”
Erin’s eyes were big and full of empathy for him. “I’m sorry if you get hurt.”
“I know, Erin. I’m glad you found Jack. But you still need to do for yourself what you’re making sure I do for Kailynn.”
“Maybe if you set her free, she’ll come back to you willingly.”
He smiled, but it was a hollow replica of a grin. “Erin Poletti, you know what the real world looks like. You know that’s a load of shit. That’s not how it works. But thank you for the sentiment.”
“You’re a really good person, Ian. Let her in. Let her know how you feel. Let her know she can have you when she returns.”
“That would kind of defeat the purpose. She’d only do it in a half-ass way. I’d probably not want her to succeed, either. That would be a really fake way of getting what I truly want.”
Erin’s gaze softened as she shook her head. “Like I said, you’re a really good man.”
Erin quietly exited his room, and Ian silently went off to shower. He had to plan how to get the one girl he’d always wanted to leave River’s End and him.
Chapter Thirteen
SOMEHOW, IAN AND KAILYNN managed to find private time together without anyone figuring it out. In the evenings at the trailer, Shane and her brothers were usually present, so they rarely found any alone time then. It was strangely erotic and frustrating at the same time. All she could do was watch Ian, and all he could do was try to touch her without anyone noticing. His hands were always resting on places they should not have been, yet he was stealthy enough that no one caught him. Her entire face turned into a red, mottled mess of embarrassment and being turned on at all the secret foreplay. Plus he showed up at completely unpredictable times to be with her. Kailynn tried to figure out his schedule so she could predict things better, but the more she learned about him, the more she realized how completely unpredictable and independent he was. He answered to no one. Not even her.
One day in mid-November, she woke up with a fever and started throwing up. Too ill to leave her bed, she texted Jack she’d be out for the day. An hour later, Ian opened her bedroom without even knocking and she struggled to sit up. “What are you doing here?” she inquired.
“Jack said you were sick.”
“Yes. You better not get near me.”
“Why would you text him? You should have texted me.”
She shrugged and lay back down. Her muscles ached so badly, she couldn’t find the wherewithal to even hold herself up. “Force of habit.”
Meanwhile, he was crawling across her bed and putting his arms around her before pulling her back to his chest. “Don’t,” she warned him. “You’ll get sick too.”
“I don’t get sick very often. What can I get you?” he asked, leaning his cheek against hers. She sighed as his warmth seeped through her aching joints. She didn’t want him to leave her there, all alone and feeling miserable. No one before Ian ever checked in on her. No one ever cared when she was sick. She was never coddled, or soothed, or babied.
“Nothing. Just… maybe… could you stay here for a little while? I mean, if you’re sure you want to risk it?”
His arms tightened around her and he kissed her under her ear. “I’m sure. And I can stay.”
He brought her water and warmer socks before making her soup and crackers. He checked on her day and night until she felt better; and never once commented that she hadn’t showered in four days. He just rubbed her back and smoothed her hair from her face, holding her tightly and letting her sleep against him.
Whatever he was doing, it managed to make her heart thump and twist a lot.
Ian got sick two days later; and Kailynn sneaked into his bedroom in order to return all the coddling and cuddling.
There were still odd moments when she couldn’t figure out what to do with Ian. The more days that passed, the more she longed to see him, and touch him, and talk to him. When she stared at him while in the presence of the others, she just wished the others would disappear. And yet, she still didn’t know what to call Ian. They didn’t share the news of their relationship with anyone. He took her out every week to different spots that were far from River’s End. No one seemed to care or catch on what they were doing together.
Meanwhile, there was a general consensus among the Rydell men to move forward with Ian’s ideas and ranch-altering plans. They started clearing the land where the new cabins were supposed to be, and commissioned a local architect to draw up the specs and building plans for the entire concept. To the row of cabins, a new road would have to be graded. That was to keep the guests away from the main house and barns. Jack grumbled constantly that strangers would be wandering around his horses, and fucking with his stuff, but the others ignored him.
The acceptance letter to the University of Washington still sat on Kailynn’s desk, unanswered. She finally put it away in her bottom drawer. For once, she didn’t crawl into bed for the rest of the day while feeling stuck and depressed by her life, the trailer, and her lackluster future in River’s End.
****
Ian showed her a new sexual position, he thought might be her favorite yet, one afternoon. It was later as they were lying next to each other and he rubbed her shoulders he asked her what she wanted to study at school.
She shrugged and stretched her feet out, barely grazing the top of his feet. He was so tall, his body spanned one end of his king-sized bed to the next. “That’s the pathetic part, I don’t have any idea. I’ve never had any particularly burning talent that I felt I needed to foster and fulfill, or I wouldn’t be complete. I’m not a straight A student, either, meaning I’m not particularly smart, just average. I don’t know what I want to do. I have no idea. So what point is there in wanting to study something I can’t even decide on? I mean, shouldn’t I know? All I really know is I don’t want to be a housecleaner and waitress in River’s End, Washington for the rest of my life. That isn’t exactly a real clear goal, now is it?”
His arms tightened around her and he rolled her on top of him. She squealed at his handling of her, but he was always doing that. He could maneuver her however he wanted without even trying. He just did it, and was always touching her with hugs, kisses, backrubs, and handholding. If they were alone, his hands were invariably somewhere on her body.
Kailynn never felt so pampered. She loved every second his big hands touched her. When he held her hands, or rubbed her skin in platonic, soft strokes, she leaned into him and luxuriated in how wonderful it felt.
“I doubt if most people know. I’ll be sure and let you know when I decide what to do when I grow up,” he replied, flashing a smile. His mouth found hers in a long kiss that almost ended the conversation. She finally pulled back before they lost another hour.
“What did you get your degree in?”
�
�Finance. With a minor in marketing.” He started to lean forward to kiss her again, but she lifted her neck so her head was beyond his reach.
“What? I guess, I thought you would have majored in agriculture or something. Why would you choose finance? Or marketing? You work on a horse ranch.”
His head dropped back defeatedly. “I was good at it. And I didn’t want to major in agriculture. I already know all about ranching and farming. I wanted to learn about something else.”
She sat up. “Isn’t this what you wanted to do for the rest of your life?”
He turned to the side and inserted his hand under his head, resting on his elbow. “What? You? Sure, I could make you my life’s work.”
She rolled her eyes. “No. Seriously. I thought, being a Rydell, staying here was what you wanted.”
“It is. And I am. But it’s not all I know about. Or all I can do. It’s not even all I want to do.”
She wasn’t sure how to register this newest tidbit about Ian. She never knew. Every layer she peeled back about him was so surprisingly different from the previous, and what she erroneously assumed. How he all fit together still wasn’t completely clear to her. He was really hard to get to know. But all she wanted now was to do just that. He kept her off kilter because she never could predict when he’d show up, or what he’d say, or do, or what new insight she would learn about him.
Meanwhile, he asked about her constantly. As closed off as he kept himself, reserving his private life and isolating himself from almost everyone in River’s End, he was very interested in her. Kailynn never had anyone’s attention as much as she had Ian’s. It was hard for her to keep all her private thoughts and feelings to herself, and they often spewed out of her mouth in long conversations. Ian never once tried to stop her, but always listened to her. He often asked follow-up questions and seemed to like hearing all of her thoughts and ideas. No one before Ian ever wanted all of her.
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 22
