The thing was: she was right. She didn’t belong there. She didn’t want to live like that. But she intended to visit her family without telling them that. She found a new affinity with them she never had before, and it lightened her heart. When she walked through the door, they were all thrilled to see her.
Her dad still stayed in bed most of the day and the trailer was a sight. Obviously, no one cleaned or touched the dishes. It was rather disgusting. But even that discovery couldn’t alter Kailynn’s mood. Her dad was so happy to have her home, he got out of bed when she walked in and stood up to hug her. Tears filled her eyes at the unprecedented response from him, and his unexpected celebration of her presence inside the trailer. He patted her shoulder and told her again that he loved her. They parted and sat down to eat dinner together. He gossiped all about the goings on in the neighborhood as if he actually experienced it, when really, he only got it second hand from her brothers. She was reassured to see her brothers kept working and seemed to be taking decent care of Dad. She spent the evening with her brothers and dad. It was one of the better times she remembered spending with them. It wasn’t until the next day that she had her dad to herself.
He noticed her eyeing him up, and said, “Yup, I look a smidgeon better. Brothers aren’t as nice as you though. They won’t do certain things for me, so I finally had to figure them out.”
Her mouth twisted in shock. Was she the factor that hindered his progress? It never occurred to her that she could do that to him. Sure, she knew he kept her from entering a real life, but learning her continuous care actually allowed him to stay sicker than he really was made her heart ache. She only intended to help him.
After a long moment, her father added, “You know, you’re nothing like her.”
“Like who, Dad?”
“Your mother. You wouldn’t do the things she did. It wasn’t this place that got to her, Kailynn, it was her personality. It was me she wanted to leave, not River’s End. She never loved me, honey. She got pregnant and stayed for as long as she could. You don’t have to punish yourself, or that boy, because of what she was.”
Her mouth popped open but no sound came out. Her father had never once said such a thought-provoking statement. Tears filled her eyes.
“Her bitterness made her leave.”
“It did, sweetie.”
“I think I have some of that in me.”
“Well, I don’t. I think you never had one atom of her bitterness inside you. You took care of me, the boys, and this place, and never once did you run away from it. You obviously don’t want this particular life, but perhaps you might consider some kind of variation of it, one that allows for Ian. If you want to start something with Ian, you should. Don’t run away from it because you think you’ll end up doing what your mom did. That’s not you, sweetie. That’s her. That was our relationship, not yours. She left me when I got hurt, and you would never leave unless you were unhappy. You don’t run away from a hard time. I want you to do whatever you want, but do it for all the right reasons. She left you when you was way too young a girl. I know it was confusin’ for you, and I never knew what to say, or how to fix that part. Just make sure whatever decisions you decide on you are making them for the right reasons.”
Ian. She thought, and dreamed, and longed for him today every bit as much as the day she left River’s End. She never believed she could have him, and the new life she was trying to form. But for what reasons? Was it fear? Fear of being like her mother, who ruthlessly abandoned her family? Maybe, her dad was right, and she wasn’t like that.
That quickly, and that easily, her father’s words released some kind of knot in her chest. Her lifelong fear of growing up to be just like her mother; and hurting someone else, just like her mother hurt her was formed during her teens and pervaded her thinking despite her now being a grown woman. She wanted some kind of a guarantee that she’d never do that. But such guarantees don’t exist. No one ever gets that kind of assurance in life.
It was such a simple and such a profound epiphany: maybe she could have Ian, and not turn out to act like her mother. Why had she been so sure she would turn bitter and leave just because Ian was a rancher? Or that Ian lived in River’s End? His lifestyle somewhat resembled her dad’s. But she and Ian were not her parents. Ian was not her dad. And she was not her mother. And how come it took until she was standing in her dad’s trailer for her to understand it?
She was anxious to go suddenly, to the Rydells’ house. To Ian. She could not wait another moment, or second to see him. She survived all this time away from him, but now that she was back, she had to see him at once. Why? For months, they didn’t speak because it was “for the best.” But now that she was back, she couldn’t think of anything in the world she wanted to do more than that.
“Go. You act like you’re going to pee your pants,” her dad grumbled at her.
“Really? You don’t mind?”
“Sure, I do. But I also know you can’t stop young love. I remember it well. I remember the all-consuming feelings. Go on, see your man.”
“Why do you say that?”
“’Cause as much as it pains me to admit, I knew you wouldn’t come back here for me. It’s for him.”
“Do you mind?”
“No. ‘Cause maybe you’ll come and see me too every once in awhile.” She kissed her dad’s, wrinkled forehead, finding it hard to imagine him being young and feeling anything, like being impatient, or in love, or even having fun. But she could picture Ian being those things. She could picture growing old with Ian and still feeling all those things.
She left the trailer and eagerly hurried out onto the porch. Releasing her breath as if she’d just been freed from a year in jail, she resolved, that no matter what life brought her, whether that be success or disappointment, she would never end up crippled and rotting in a ratty trailer. She loved her dad, but she could never accept his kind of life.
The real reason she always stayed with her dad and looked after him was because he had always stayed with her. Unlike her mother, he never abandoned her, and never, not even for one moment, was unhappy to have her with him.
She nearly ran on the trail down the hill to the ranch; then stopped dead and stared at the spread before her. It looked like a giant quilt, tucked in from one horizon to the next. Acres of green fields met brown, and she could see the cleared-off spots, and the speckles of majestic horses. The sun was tilted in the sky and nearly blinded her with its brilliance, and the sky was blue and went on forever. The spot was magnificent and one she’d stared at her entire life, but never appreciated as much as she did just then. Was that simply because she wasn’t living there? She wasn’t trudging there to work, and staring at the horizon while wondering what life was like beyond the mountains. Did her sudden appreciation rise simply because she was visiting? Was this really a great place to be from? That’s kind of what it felt like.
She started down the hill, and crossed the dirt road, rushing down the long driveway until she stood on the porch before the front door. She rarely used the front door in the old days, but now that she didn’t work there anymore, she only hoped someone would spot her. The place looked dead. She knocked, but no one answered. Her heart dipping in disappointment, she turned toward the barns. No one. She went further down the road and saw the new buildings. There were ten of them, each one a perfect, miniature cabin and all of them sharing a driveway that was separate of the one the Rydells’ used. Perched on the cliff above the river, the outstanding views included the mountains and the town of River’s End across the river. There was a long, staircase down to a beach. It was a different beach from the one downriver, which was the Rydells’ private stretch of coastline. Her heart tripped when she saw that Ian had done something pretty magnificent. It was a beautiful location and the small, dollhouse cabins beckoned her, making her want to retreat inside one of them.
She turned and headed down the road when she heard some noise. Past the barns and alfalfa fields was a large
, tree-filled spot that eventually led to their private beach. The noise she heard was a hammer pounding. A brand new structure had recently been erected there. It was a two-story house and someone was pounding plywood onto the roof tresses. Putting her hand up to block the sun, her heart quickened. Please, let it be Ian, she thought to herself.
Her heart dipped when she recognized Jack. He stopped hammering and stood up. He waved at her before going to the ladder and quickly coming down towards her. He gave her a big hug and she smiled at his sincerity. “Lynnie, it’s so nice to see you here.”
“Aren’t you supposed to tie off every time so you don’t fall off the roof?”
He grinned and winked, “Don’t tell any OSHA inspectors, okay? I kinda cheat sometimes. Got to get it done. We hope to move in before winter comes.”
“This is your house?”
His chest expanded as he stood taller and proudly declared, “It is.”
Where was Ian’s? Jack’s gaze was focused on her. “Uh, you know Ian isn’t here, right?”
“What do you mean ‘he isn’t here?’ Where is he?”
“Up in the mountains.”
“By himself?”
“Yeah. Don’t you realize the date?”
“The date?”
“He usually goes up there this time year, his memorial to our parents, I think. I used to, but things have gotten so busy, and my family needs me here.”
“Last year? What date was that? When did they die?”
Jack’s gaze grew piercing at her sudden growing interest in his answer. “Uh, the fifteenth. Why?”
The day she lost her virginity. Her heart hurt more. She never realized who she was dealing with and what he actually gave her. “You have to take me there.”
Jack scratched his head. “Where? Where do you have to be taken?”
“To Ian up in the mountains. He can’t be alone. I need to get there, and you’re the only one who can take me there.”
“Lynnie, it’s a ten-mile ride in.”
“I know what it is. You have to take me. Please, Jack?”
“Depends. Are you going to break his heart and leave again?”
“I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just know I have to get there. I can’t do it without you. Please…”
He groaned and nodded. “All right. But for the record, if he has my balls over this, I’m holding you fully responsible.”
She followed Jack eagerly as he started to clean up the site, carefully putting his tools and materials away. She was nearly falling over herself for Jack to hurry so they could get going. He finally turned and gripped her by the shoulders. “Lynnie, hon, we can’t leave tonight. We’ll pack up and all, but we can’t leave until the morning. It’s too late now.”
She nearly screamed out loud. She had waited so long, and now it felt intolerable to wait until tomorrow. Jack’s gaze searched her face. He nodded. “I see. So you’re not breaking his heart. All right, go get some clothes packed. Replicate whatever you brought last year. Can you do that?”
“What are you going to do?”
“I’ll get things ready on my end, and you’ll stay at the house tonight. Don’t worry; we’ll get you up there.” She demonstrated her gratitude by throwing her arms around him. He patted her back and sent her away. She started towards the main house without a backwards glance.
That night, she slept in Ian’s bed and pressed her head on his pillow. She sniffed it, long and deep, and relished the smell, the essence of Ian. She suddenly felt closer to Ian, safer, and calmer just being there. When Jack knocked on her door at four the next morning, she was already dressed and eager to go. She packed exactly how Ian had taught her. Jack took her stuff and headed out. Grabbing some coffee, she saw Erin with a robe on, who stumbled out and squeezed her hand with a smile.
She and Jack didn’t talk much. Her head was so full and anxious that civil conversation became too much to figure out. At the trailhead, she was far more adept than last year. She helped Jack without him having to ask her. They only had to saddle two horses. She planned to take in everything on her horse. A sleeping bag and pad would have to suffice. Jack intended to drop her off there and return the same day so they had to get an early start. Jack was whistling and seemed supportive at helping her ambush Ian like that.
They came up on the camp after only a four-hour ride. Her heart clenched. Her stomach churned and felt like a pit of worry and excitement. She thought she might vomit. As they dipped down to the creek and back up into the camp, her heart and lungs felt ready to explode from anticipation and nerves… Then… nothing. The camp was empty. It looked the same as last year, but there were no horses and no Ian.
Jack dismounted and helped her tie up. “Looks like he’s gone up somewhere with the horses.”
Her butt hurt and her legs nearly gave out. Her disappointment was palpable and she felt crushed. All her anticipation and hope suddenly fell flat.
Jack barked out a laugh when he noticed her face. “Don’t worry, you’ll get your chance. He has to come back and sleep. It’ll just be a few hours, at most.”
“You’re right.”
Jack unloaded her stuff for her as she tried to keep herself from cramping up. Every noise had her staring eagerly at the trail, thinking it was Ian, but it wasn’t.
Finally, at three o’clock, Jack sighed. “I either stay with you two tonight, or I have to go.”
“You can go.”
“You’re sure? And leave you alone here?”
“I’m sure. Thank you, Jack. This was way above and beyond. I cannot tell you how much it means to me.”
He squeezed her shoulder after he resaddled his horse. “I have some idea. Good luck, Lynnie. Just be real clear, and real sure with Ian, and you’ll get whatever you want.” He spun on his boot heel, mounted his horse, and left. She watched him disappear and the silence of the woods suddenly closed in on her. Her horse whinnied and neighed, protesting the departure of Jack’s mount. It paced some more and then raced around the enclosure. She got up several times to soothe it. She was afraid it would break free and run home, and then what could she do?
It finally calmed down and she sat on Ian’s one chair. There was no fire, and she regretted not asking Jack to make one. As it neared five in the evening, the day began to grow chilly. She huddled in her coat before entering the tent. She found the one of Ian’s she wore last year and put it on. The warmth helped comfort her. The longer she sat there alone, the faster her courage deserted her. What if he didn’t want her anymore? After everything she’d done, and all this time had passed, what if he were angry she came there?
She steeled her heart. Too late to chicken out now. She’d been doing that her entire life and would have perhaps stayed a waitress and housekeeper forever if not for Ian. He showed her she had the courage to grow and take risks.
But this, now, being here, felt like perhaps the greatest of all risks.
She kept hearing noises. The vastness of trees, land, and craggy peaks around her began to intimidate her. She felt very alone out here, and totally clueless. Worst of all, she felt so vulnerable. Where was he? What if he didn’t return for some reason? But no, he had to. There was all his stuff. He simply had to come back.
She spent all her time waiting while remembering the details of last year. Every moment, every element, every word, and every deed of Ian flashed through her mind. All those subtle signs she failed to realize were really Ian’s words of love and devotion to her. She was too myopic and selfish to see what he was offering her: the most important gift of her life.
Finally, the sun tilted and the day started to dim over the vast wilderness. Was he ever coming back?
Then… she heard the stomp and felt the vibration of horse hooves. With snorts and neighs, they descended the incline, crossed the creek, and suddenly appeared at the entrance into camp. Her heart swelled and her breath became an exited “Whoosh!” Her brain felt fuzzy and her anxious nerves made her dig her hands deeper into his coat’s po
ckets. He saw her horse first, and whipped his face around until he found her. Reining in his mount, he could only stare at her without a word or any expression. There was nothing there.
She now knew that meant everything.
He slid off to the side and came around the front of his horse. Grabbing the bridle, he turned before tying him up. He brought the other horse he was leading with a rope and released her in the enclosure. Unsaddling Commander was quick work, and he slid the log across the enclosure that functioned as the gate. His shoulders dropped and he seemed to be steeling himself before facing her. He eventually turned toward her and started across the camp to where she stood in front of the tent. She was nearly hyperventilating with ragged nerves stemming from her fear of how this could go.
He stopped a few feet from her and put his hands on his hips. “What are you doing here?”
She had rehearsed what she planned to say for hours. Each word was carefully chosen and considered. But everything she wanted to say simply liquefied in her brain, becoming no more than senseless mush. She had no idea what she intended say, but there was so much she wanted him to know, she wasn’t sure how to even start.
“Jack brought me.”
“Where is he?”
“He left. I asked him to leave.”
Ian’s lips compressed into a tight line. “He shouldn’t have left you alone here. What if something dangerous came through here?”
“Nothing did.”
“I saw a bear up on the ridge. Pretty brave of you to stay.”
It was about the first time she ever thought of herself as being “brave” with him. She drew in a deep breath and set her shoulders back. “I was never brave before, was I?”
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 28
