He didn’t answer her for several moments. Her heart seemed to slow as it dipped in regret. He seemed uninterested that she was even there. Maybe more than just his anger would cut her off; maybe his disinterest was enough to kill her motivation. What if she came there and he had nothing to say to her? No interest in her anymore? There she was, as helpless as a newborn baby, awaiting a caregiver.
He finally shrugged. “Really, Lynnie, why did you come here? Why would you make Jack go to all the trouble of dragging you up here?”
Wasn’t he glad to see her? Didn’t he know why she did? Didn’t the gesture alone answer that? Apparently, not. He dropped his gaze from her and moved towards the tent. She had no idea what to do when he disappeared, but he soon came back out with newspaper, matches, and kindling. He knelt by the fire pit and swiftly started a fire. He added some dry wood and watched it for several long, poignant moments, lifting his hands to capture the warmth while keeping his eyes averted from her.
This was not the critical moment she lay in bed last night imagining while her body tingled with unbridled excitement at the thought of seeing him, feeling him, and touching him. Instead, what she received was what? Ennui? Apathy? Definitely a lack of interest.
“I’m sorry.”
He turned his head just enough so she could glimpse his profile. “For what, exactly?”
She stepped closer to the fire. Okay, he wasn’t going to look at her. She’d reply to the fire.
“I’m sorry I had to leave. I’m sorry River’s End isn’t where I want to live. I’m sorry I don’t want it, and I’m sorry I let you go. I’m sorry you let me go.”
His back stayed rigid. “And none of that has changed. I don’t want to live through that again, Lynnie.”
Taking a deep breath, she continued, “I’m sorry you chose to go to the lake last year just to show it to me. I didn’t realize, at the time, what a grand gesture that was. I had no idea you hadn’t been there since right before your parents died. I’m sorry I was so caught up in myself then that I didn’t comprehend the gravity of the gift you offered me.”
He slowly rose up from kneeling and she knew she finally had his attention. She stepped closer. “I’m sorry I thought I had to have sex with someone else in order to prove to myself that I could. I wanted to prove to myself that I’d experienced real life.”
“I don’t want to hear about it.”
“I’m not sorry, however, that I couldn’t go through with it. That’s because not one guy I ever met could make me feel as wonderful as you did. And you still do. No one besides you would have taken me to exclusive spots with special significance. Or do that just because he thought I’d like it. There is no one else in my life that I ever want to be intimate or have sex with. I thought I ruined my former goals and expectations, but I didn’t. I merely slept with the one person I want to spend the rest of my life sleeping with.”
She stepped closer again, but his eyes grew wary. “I’m also sorry I never asked you if you’d come with me.”
She could see his chest moving as his breathing began to sound ragged. He seemed stunned to find her there, and flabbergasted at what she was saying. “Most of all, I’m sorry I never once told you that I am crazy, helplessly, and forever in love with you.”
He couldn’t move. His entire face was as blank as a corrections officer confronting a dangerous criminal. She stepped closer until the toes of her boots were touching his. Leaning her head back, she finally took hold of his coat and grabbed it in her fists. “Quit acting like you don’t feel the same way about me.”
“I can’t… I can’t go through that again.”
“Which part? Being with me? Or not being with me?”
Her heart clenched, waiting for what felt like the most decisive factor of the rest of her life. His jaw tightened, and his hands stayed at his sides. “Ian?” she prodded.
“Not being,” he finally said in almost a whisper. She closed her eyes with deep relief at his reply. Her heart nearly exploded as she leaned against his chest.
“Why won’t you touch me?”
“Because if I do, I can’t ever let you go again. I did it once. I won’t do it again.”
“What if you don’t have to?”
“What’s changed? I’m still a rancher in River’s End, Washington. That wasn’t the plan, was it? Getting pregnant so that you’re stuck in this godforsaken place with some loser?”
She smiled, clearly remembering that night when Drew’s taillights made her feel so hollow and hopeless in her young life. Failing to see alternative choices, the road ahead of her looked as unhappy as it had to her mother. “Then I won’t get pregnant unless and when we decide to have kids.”
He frowned and his eyebrows jutted downward. He looked like a little boy getting confused by a parent’s simple instructions. Her heart melted all over again, she was so in love with him. She so rarely saw him looking confused, or insecure, or vulnerable. “I don’t know what you want,” he finally admitted.
“I want you. I want you with me. I want to finish school. You’re right. I needed to go there because you know what I learned? It turned out to be everything I hoped it was. But it’s temporary, Ian, it’s only a brief phase of my life, and not the destination. I never believed I’d make it to a real university, so I never really thought beyond that. But I got there. I’m there now and I’m doing well. I have some new ideas about what I might like to do. I don’t know where I’ll end up, but I can always come back here when I’m done. And if I come back after finishing college, I think I could live here again. I can’t explain it. I just needed to know I could actually get out, and have a choice whether or not to come back. I just needed to prove it was my choice so I would not hate it so much. Does that make any sense?”
“Maybe.”
“But I don’t like being alone. I want you in my life. It might not be perfect, but couldn’t we do this somehow? Stay together despite the long distance? I’ll come home a lot more often. And you could come see me. People do it, Ian, and they make it work. I want to try. I want that more than anything, Ian Rydell.”
His expression remained perplexed. “Ian. I’m saying I love you. Say something to me. Tell me you’re over me. Or you want someone else. Tell me I made a huge mistake coming here. Or else, tell me you love me. But say something.”
He still didn’t say anything. Taking her shoulders into his hands, he pulled her up on her toes and suddenly planted his mouth on hers. He pushed her backwards, kissing her all the while. She tripped and stumbled on the uneven ground, but he kept her upright and gently aimed her toward the tent. After managing to shove her heavy coat off, his hands touched her stomach and bare skin, making her sigh and groan at the warm, comforting way his hot palms felt. Dropping his coat, he threw her onto the cot. Unlike his usual lovemaking, this time, there was no foreplay or making her come five different ways until she screamed. He simply undid his jeans, and hers, and pushed the material out of the way until he could enter her. Filling her up, and stretching her, she could barely catch her breath and sighed and groaned when he finally drove his hard shaft deeply inside her. Her body knew his. She felt nothing but peace, joy, and sexual lust. He filled her with emotion. He continued to kiss her as she straddled his lap and they sat up, staring right into each other’s eyes. The steam coming from their mouths wafted around them in the cold air. As he moved inside her and she gladly received him, they stared at each other for what seemed like forever. Still wearing her gloves, she cupped his face and finally knew she was home. With a strange certainty she’d never felt before, she realized she was finally where she’d always dreamed of: the place where she belonged.
Their sexual reunion was hot, fast, and satisfying. She finally had to shut her eyes and wrap her arms around his neck as she leaned against his chest in the afterglow. He filled her up so completely, she was crying out in the ecstasy that only Ian could provide for her.
Eventually, after he came inside her, his hands cupped her cheeks and her eye
lids fluttered open to find him staring right into her eyes. He combed his big hands through her hair and kissed her eyelids, nose, and mouth before whispering, “I love you.”
She smiled. He never said that to her before. He probably wouldn’t say it very often. But she knew, unlike any other person in the world, that he meant it forever. When he told her, so long ago, that she was the woman he wanted, she knew he meant that forever. She knew that no one was as loyal and faithful as Ian was to her. No one could ever love her so completely, unconditionally, or so well.
She decided to never again leave Ian, or doubt his sincerity.
She smiled and closed her eyes, holding him next to her. He needed her for reasons she didn’t totally understand; and saw things in her she didn’t know she possessed. He thought there was something special and extraordinary about her, and that made him feel better. She didn’t get it, but she’d never again doubt whatever he managed to find in her.
Unfortunately, being in middle of the mountain with no central heating, it was getting dark and cold fast. A shiver trembled over her body. Ian felt it, and true to form, instantly got up and quickly buckled his pants and hers. He started to build a fire in the small stove. She turned on her side and watched him. She felt glad now, unlike a year ago, that she could simply observe him in the quiet twilight. He glanced at her staring at him and a small, soft, half smile crossed his face. “Are you hungry?”
“No. Just come back over here.” She had finally lost her shyness and awkwardness around him. She knew him so well, she could read his moods and thoughts, as well as what he wanted. Her. He most wanted her in his life. How could she think she’d grow bitter and unhappy when for the first time in her life, because of Ian, she was finally not bitter and totally happy? He came back to the cot and slid in beside her so his arms were around her, and his knees at the backs of hers. She sighed as his warmth seeped through her clothing.
“You said a lot out there.”
“I meant every word of it.”
“You really want to try this?”
“I’m desperate to try this.”
“Desperate, huh? For me? Despite the long distance?”
“Yes, for you. However you’ll agree to be with me.”
She felt his body tensing as he gave a kind of careless shrug, but she knew it wasn’t casual at all. Then he said, “I should be done with the first phase of the ranch redesign and expansion by winter. Or at least to a point where Jack can handle it. Perhaps, I could come to Seattle with you, that is, if you wanted me to.”
She flipped over so fast, she almost fell off the side of the narrow cot. She could barely make out his facial expression as the firelight flickered and made shadows. A tremor ran up her spine. “Do you mean, you’d leave River’s End? To be with me?”
“Depends on your reply if I meant that.”
“I think I’d give you a blow job right now just to make you feel as happy as that would make me feel.”
His laugh was quick and endearing. “Wow. That’s not exactly how you might’ve worded it a year ago.”
She took her glove off and touched his face. He had some stubble on his chin, just barely enough to make a scruff. “Do you mean that? You would come with me?”
“Only if you wanted. I wouldn’t want to cramp your lifestyle. Maybe you would prefer to keep it long distance. But come January, there wouldn’t be any reason why I couldn’t go there.”
“What would you do?”
“Get a job. I’m not an unskilled worker, Kailynn. I have a business degree; remember? Pretty sure I could find something to keep me busy.”
“No, I meant about the ranch. Your brothers. Everything you have to do around here. Everything that you love is here. You would hate being in a city.”
“I can live in a big city. I’m not a total hick. I would rather live with you, and go where you’re happy than live in River’s End without you again.”
She closed her eyes and her breath sounded heavy in her chest. When she opened her eyes again, she blinked away some tears. “Oh my God. Do you mean that?”
“Oh my God, yes, if you meant what you said,” he replied, flashing a grin and using her same breathy tone. How did he manage to make her cry and smile and fall in love with him as if it were the first time? “Unless I’ll embarrass you. Being the rancher from River’s End and your boyfriend might not be so cool.”
She made him feel inferior, and she knew that. Deep down, she made him feel like he wasn’t enough for her as he was. She leaned over and kissed his lips, rolling on top of him. She felt initially annoyed with all the clothes between them, but it was way too cold now to remove them. “I would be the happiest person in Seattle if you’d come with me. And be with me. And live with me. That’s what we’re talking about, right?”
He nodded. “Yeah, our own place. Near the school.”
“I could transfer somewhere closer. Somewhere out of the city.”
“You don’t need to transfer. I’m really okay living there.”
She leaned her forehead down on his chest and inhaled a deep, happy breath. She never dreamed she’d find a way to have the life she preferred, and the man she wanted more than anything. “I love you, Ian. I love you so much. Will you take me to the lake tomorrow? To the top of the mountain again? Then will you come with me to the city? I’ll show you the top of all the places I’ve found there.”
He cupped her face and nodded solemnly. “I’ll take you there. I’ll show you whatever you want, and I’d love nothing more than sharing whatever makes you happy.”
“Tell me you love me again.”
He smiled with that half grin that first stole her heart, and warmed her entire body. “I love you, Kailynn Hayes.”
“Will you tell me that often? So I never can possibly forget? I know you don’t use a lot of words, but I need to hear yours. I need to hear all your words.”
He squeezed her to his chest and whispered, “How about if I tell you every day for the rest of my life?”
She closed her eyes and rested her head on him, watching the shadows flicker while the hot fire crackled. She finally lifted her head and smiled, “I might be kind of hungry now.”
“Your wish has always been my command,” he replied while getting up. Without further conversation, he started stoking the fire outside to cook their dinner. How could she ever think he wasn’t enough man for her? Maybe she was glad she left. Glad she finally realized her dream. But even gladder she knew now how precious it was to love and be loved by the right person.
She followed him outside and started cutting up the vegetables so they could prepare the stew together.
Epilogue
“I’D FOLLOW THE GIRL.”
Ian turned when Jack’s voice came up behind him after he had just stowed the last suitcase in the back of his truck. “What?”
“You asked me a while ago what I would have done if Erin refused to live here. If I didn’t have kids, I would have followed her wherever she needed to go.”
Ian nodded and smiled at his older brother. Jack had his arms crossed over his chest and his scowl was deep. “Yeah, you’d follow the girl if she wanted you to.”
They stood in front of the house as Ian finished loading the last of his things he was taking to Seattle. Kailynn and Erin were on the porch talking. Kailynn had stayed with him over her winter break and it was the longest amount of time they’d ever spent together. It was the start of their life together. And the true start of his life.
“This sucks. But I get it.”
He smacked Jack on the shoulder. “I’ll be back next weekend. I’m only four hours away. Not forty. I’ll be back a lot. I got horses to ride, improvements to check on, and my own house to supervise. Besides, where the hell can I do that in the University District?” He and Kailynn spent several weekends in late December searching for housing around the University of Washington. They eventually found a small apartment that was less square footage than Ian’s bedroom at the ranch house, and cost thr
ee times what he thought was fair. But they eagerly signed the lease without a second thought. It was clean, walking distance from the school, and her best friend lived just a half mile away.
Ian found work with a corporation that owned and operated acres and acres of farm land. They had farms and orchards all over the west coast, and their headquarters were based out of Seattle. His job was coordinating, developing, and implementing the best agricultural techniques. He was working for the very monster that nearly destroyed all the small family farms. It was a bitter pill for him to swallow, but also, something he was very good at. The work was related to his field, but far beyond anything he’d ever done. He had an office, downtown he would be working in. His life had truly morphed.
He felt kind of excited to see where his new career might take him, even if he were betraying what his father stood for, and the small family farmers. But at least, his job allowed him to make sure the best practices were being utilized for the communities’ benefit as well as that of the environment.
“You really can live like that?”
He shut the tailgate and canopy lid. “I can live that way with Kailynn, yes. Will we stay there forever? We don’t know. But wherever we end up, we intend to stay together.”
“You sure you want to go ahead with the house here?”
“I’ll always be back here, Jack. Whether just to visit or to live permanently. So, hell yeah, I’ll be building us a house.”
“Does she know that?”
“Yes, now that she insists that I talk to her. I’m not allowed to keep my plans to myself. She freaked about the money at first, but after I disclosed exactly how much I had, she agreed it was probably a good investment.”
Jack nodded as he looked off toward the mountains. “Things had to change, didn’t they? I’m glad you knew that. And you found what you wanted. And who you wanted. I’m grateful you’ll be back. But I’ll miss the hell out of you. It won’t be the same for me.”
River's Escape (River's End Series, #2) Page 29
