An Uncertain Choice

by Jody Hedlund

  There was something in my heart that demanded I seek God’s guidance — ​even though I’d already made my resolution while Trudy dressed me.

  In my chamber, with my nursemaid’s advice echoing the abbot’s, I’d decided to continue the course that had been set out for me these past four years. Why change things now? Not after I’d already planned and prepared for a life in the convent. Not after my soul was at peace with the decision. Not after I was so close to the time when I must go.

  What did true love matter anyway? Hadn’t I gotten along just fine without it? And besides, I was looking forward to my life of devotion to God in the convent, wasn’t I? The abbot had already hired laborers to begin clearing land near the monastery to build an abbey. It would become a safe haven for unwanted women, a place I could oversee. It would be an exciting new part of my life.

  Certainly, I’d have to move out of the castle. And I wouldn’t be able to take my wardrobe or many of my belongings, except for some of my personal items. But I’d decided that I would use the opportunity to sell many of my possessions so I could give more money to the poor. After all, everything would still be mine. I could do with my things as I pleased, especially when I turned eighteen and could make all the decisions on my own.

  And yet . . .

  I fingered my long strand of prayer beads and bowed my head lower. No matter my rationalizing, doubts lingered.

  In the quietness of the chapel, without Abbot Francis Michael or Trudy or the duke advising me, I could finally hear the whispers within, the still, small voice of God that came when I blocked out everything else and listened for it.

  What was he saying?

  I couldn’t deny that I’d been interested in the knights who had ridden along with the duke. Or that I was curious about what it might be like to speak with the men and get to know them. And in a deep place, I had to admit I felt longings from time to time to have a family again, to have a husband and children of my own. I’d simply never allowed myself to dwell on such longings. I’d known that to do so would only stir up dissatisfaction with the course set before me. Why think on what I couldn’t change?

  But the truth was that I suddenly had the power to change the Vow. At least that’s what the duke claimed. What reason did I have to disregard his words? I trusted him like I would my father. He had no motivation for harming me.

  Did I owe it to myself and my parents to participate in the duke’s test before making an irrevocable choice? After all, I wouldn’t want to live the rest of my days in the convent always wondering if I’d made the right decision. If, after the coming month, I failed the test, then I could begin my time as a nun without any doubts. I could embrace my future with a completely devoted heart.

  At the clank of metal behind me, I raised my head and peered over my shoulder to the open door of the chapel. There stood the duke in his surcoat, and next to him, covered from head to toe in his plate armor, was one of his three knights.

  With a nod at the knight, the duke stepped just outside the doorway so that in the darkness of the hallway his outline showed him standing guard.

  After a moment’s hesitation, the young knight started toward the altar, toward me, the steel plates of his armor jangling with each step.

  I rose and brushed down my gown, my heart tapping a strange rhythm in anticipation of having a conversation with a man who wasn’t one of my servants or the abbot.

  “My lady,” came the whisper of the knight from behind his helmet. “Please forgive me for disturbing your prayers.”

  “There’s naught to forgive. I was almost done.”

  He stopped several feet away. Though his helmet was raised, in the dim light coming from the candle on the altar, I couldn’t see past the shadows to glimpse his eyes.

  “You’re not at the feast along with the others?” I asked, trying to untie my tongue.

  “No, my lady. I’ve just returned from visiting the bailiff as well as the sheriff.” He spoke so softly that I had to quiet my thudding heart to hear him. “And I’ve discovered more information about this morning’s torture.”

  At his news, my self-consciousness fell away. “You’ve visited my bailiff and sheriff?”

  He nodded, his armor clinking again. “It was obvious that you hadn’t ordered the boiling or the stretching upon the rack. That you, in fact, were opposed to torture. And after gaining the duke’s permission, I took the liberty to investigate the matter further.”

  Was he the knight who had rescued the criminals earlier in the day? I wanted to command him to come closer, to reveal his face, to let me gaze on him. But he was keeping a respectable distance, and ordering him closer would surely be too brazen.

  “Go on, sir,” I whispered. “Please share anything you’ve learned.”

  He nodded and continued in a low voice. “I rode to the sheriff’s estate and . . . let myself in.”

  I held back a smile at the knight’s chosen words. It was well known in my land that the sheriff kept a tight watch over his estate, the grand home my father had awarded him after he’d saved my life from the peasant with the Plague. With a heavy guard and vicious dogs, letting oneself in to the sheriff’s manor was tantamount to breaching the walls of a well-fortified castle.

  “I’m surprised you weren’t torn to pieces in spite of your armor,” I whispered, eyeing him for any signs of distress.

  “I have a special way with dogs, my lady.” His voice hinted at humor.

  “You must.”

  “And I also have a special way of extracting information from sheriffs who decide to play mute.” Again the humor in his tone belied the danger of the situation. I had no doubt he’d put his own life in peril to retrieve information about the sheriff’s use of torture.

  “You’re a brave knight.”

  “Apparently, news of my expertise with various weapons had reached him ahead of me, so ’twas not difficult to gain his cooperation when he saw my fingers upon my dagger.”

  Not difficult? I studied him again through the dim lighting, wishing I could see him clearly. But in his armor, I could no more see him now than I could the knight earlier in the day. “And what did my sheriff reveal, sir?”

  The knight held himself stiffly. “He said that once you’re in the convent, he’ll finally be able to do his job the way it’s meant to be done, that he’ll be able to handle criminals any way he wants without a girl telling him what to do.”

  At the bitter bite of the words, I sucked in a sharp breath. “And you agree with him?”

  “Not in the least,” the knight protested harshly. “Man or woman, you’re his ruler and he ought to obey your orders whether he agrees or not.”

  I should have punished the sheriff earlier for his insolence. By showing him compassion, I’d apparently proven myself weak. “Once I’m of age, he’ll learn soon enough that I’ll rule as strongly and rightly as my father before me.”

  The young knight bowed. “I’m sorry that I had to bring you such news, my lady. I regret that I had to cause you even the slightest distress.”

  “You were noble to investigate the matter further, and I thank you.”

  I would need to speak with my sheriff again, although the idea of another confrontation filled me with dread. What would truly happen once I turned eighteen? I’d always thought I’d be able to rule just as my father had, even if it was from afar. But what if the sheriff did indeed have different plans? How would I be able to stop him if I was confined to the abbey?

  If the sheriff felt that my power would decrease even though I’d come of age, how many more of my people felt the same way?

  The duke had moved back into the chapel. He cocked his head at the door, signaling his young knight. The man bowed toward me and began to withdraw.

  As he strode across the chapel, I called after him. “Wait.” He stopped and turned.

  “Thank you,” I said. “You’ve done a hard thing in uncovering and bearing this news. And I admire you for your courage.”

  He gave
a slight bow and continued toward the chapel exit. I could only stare after him, my heart thumping a strange rhythm at the realization that this was one of the potential suitors the duke had picked to woo me. If all of them were like this man, then the month would certainly not be dull.

  “I’m sorry, Rosemarie.” The duke crossed to me. “He didn’t want to speak with you, since the sheriff’s confession was insulting. But I encouraged him to see the task through to completion. For it is often the hardest tasks that build the most character.”

  I sighed. “Perhaps I’ve harbored false hope for what my rule will be like once I’ve entered the convent.”

  “You’ve been a compassionate ruler,” the duke offered. “Your father and mother would have been proud of the way you’ve ruled this land, just as I am. No one could have done better.”

  The duke’s praise was like a crown set upon my head. Whether he’d known it or not, he’d given me the highest compliment. “I’ll rule my people justly, even from a distance,” I said. “Once I have the power to make all the decisions, I’ll do even more for my subjects.”

  He shook his head. “Although legally the power will be yours, I want you to think about how you’ll know what your people need if you’re closeted away from the world. Will you truly be able to govern justly?”

  His words gave me pause and filled me with unease I wished I could ignore.

  “I don’t wish to sway your decision more than I already have,” the duke said gently. “So I’ll leave you to your prayers and trust that God will guide your heart and give you the best counsel.”

  “Then will you give me one more night to think and pray about the decision?” I asked.

  He bowed his head in deference, causing the candlelight to reflect on the silver in his hair. “I shall tell my men not to expect you at the feast tonight and that you’ll let us know of your decision on the morrow.”

  I appreciated that he wasn’t pushing me to accept his test. But as he exited the chapel, I wanted to call after him to walk me to the feast. It had been so long since I’d joined in any festivities. And a small part of me wished to see the three men he’d picked to vie for my heart. Instead I resumed my spot on my prayer cushion and bent my head, as I knew I must. The decision was too important to make lightly without more prayer.

  Even so, I couldn’t keep from thinking about how the weight of my isolation had been growing heavy of late, of how much heavier it would grow once I committed myself to a place where silence was the rule and companionship was regulated. How could I bear the burden of seclusion for the rest of my life?

  I hadn’t wanted to raise the question before tonight for fear of stirring discontentment due to what I’d believed I couldn’t change. But what if I could change it? What if my life didn’t have to be so silent and secluded after all?

  Chapter

  5

  I hesitated at the double doors that led to the Great Hall and dug my fingers into the thick fur of my dog. My snowy white companion was no longer a puppy and hadn’t been in a long time — ​ten years had passed since the day my parents gave him to me for my birthday. Nevertheless, I’d always called him Pup. It was the name that stuck when none else had.

  I scratched his head and earned a lick upon my fingers.

  “You’re a good boy,” I said, staring again at the closed doors and trying to decide if I wanted to go in or escape back to my chambers.

  I’d been late in arriving for the morning repast. I wanted to blame my tardiness on my slowness in dressing and in Trudy’s extra care in plaiting my hair and arranging it in a fashionable twist. But the truth was that sleep had not come easily the night before. Even when it finally arrived, it had been filled first with blistered and boiled skin and then with visions of ravenous rats with sharp claws digging through human flesh. I’d cried out in the night, and it was only after Trudy had allowed Pup to climb into bed with me that I’d finally fallen into a fitful sleep, this time seeing the four plain walls of a convent cell. The utter aloneness of the tiny room had swallowed me.

  Of course, I’d overslept and now had dark circles under my eyes. And I was late in making my appearance in the Great Hall.

  What must my guests think of me?

  I touched the handle of the door and then stopped, startled to realize I did care what they thought. In fact, I cared very much.

  Last night I’d finally understood I must give the duke’s test for true love a chance. If not for myself, then at least for my people. They truly would benefit most if I remained available and continued to mingle among them instead of hiding away in a convent.

  However, if I failed the test, I now realized that I’d have to find ways to be involved in their lives and understand their troubles in some other way. I’d also need to stay informed so that the sheriff and those like him couldn’t ignore my authority. Surely I’d figure out some way to make it work. At least that’s what I’d been telling myself.

  In the meantime, I had to formally accept the duke’s proposition. My nerves were jumping like grasshoppers at the thought of telling the duke and facing his knights.

  Pup nudged my hands and peered up at me with his adoring eyes. His half-open panting mouth smiled and told me he would be there for me no matter what.

  “Oh, Pup.” I bent over and wrapped my arms around his neck, burying my face in his luxurious fur.

  At that moment, the outer doors of the castle opened wide. The morning sunshine poured in, bathing the spacious hallway with glorious light. I quickly dislodged myself from Pup and straightened, but not before the visitor caught sight of my affection toward the dog.

  “Good morning, my lady,” came a strong, clear voice. I didn’t have to look closely to guess it was one of the three knights who had come with the duke. Even without the armor from yesterday, there was no disguising the noble stature and bearing that set him apart as a knight.

  As the knight glanced at Pup and then back to me, I blinked against the sunlight and fought off a wave of embarrassment at my most unladylike display with my dog. I braced myself for his censure, for everyone knew that good hunting dogs were not to be coddled. But instead of a frown, his lips twitched with a smile. He surprised me even more when he knelt, held out a hand, and gave a low whistle.

  Pup wagged his tail and trotted across the hallway, lowering himself and lying before the knight in complete submission. The knight rubbed a gloved hand across the dog’s back before scratching his neck. I gaped in wonder and then turned to study more closely the man who could so easily win the affection of my dog.

  At the sight of his manly frame, his lean but muscular body, his strong shoulders, and the proud lift of his head, I drew in a shaky breath of nervousness. How did a young woman speak with a suitor? It had been years since I’d interacted with Thomas, and then I’d been only a girl. But now that I’d resolved to give the duke’s test a good effort, I knew I must endeavor to know the three men who’d come to court me.

  “Pup likes you.” I spoke past the shyness that threatened to send me scampering back up the winding staircase.

  The knight’s eyes were the gray color of burnished steel. His hair was a hazy blond, not at all like my pure golden strands, but tested, tried, and weathered by battles and elements from which I’d always been sheltered. The muscles in his face were as taut and well defined as the rest of his body. The only imperfection on his face was a scar alongside one of his eyes — ​eyes that even now seemed to see past the walls that surrounded me and to the vulnerable young woman I really was.

  I shifted my attention to the open doorway. Outside in the fading coolness of the morning, the duke and his retinue were saddling their horses.

  “You can’t be leaving so soon.” I started forward, my pulse lurching. I must stop them and inform the duke of my decision. Surely it wasn’t too late.

  The young knight released Pup with a pat to the dog’s hindquarters and then stood. “No, my lady.” He stepped aside to let me pass. “We’re only making preparations
for a hunting foray.”

  It was then I noticed his attire — ​his plain tunic and the leather belt at his waist containing his quiver of arrows, along with a long bow draped over his shoulder.

  Even with the knowledge of the excursion, the urgent thudding in my heart didn’t lessen. I hastened outside onto the upper landing. The inner bailey spread out before me a confusion of horses, hunting dogs, and men. “Your Grace,” I called to the duke, who stood with his other knights conversing and laughing.

  But my voice went unheard above the din of the barking dogs.

  “Your Grace,” I called again.

  A long, shrill whistle sounded behind me. I turned to find that the young knight had followed me outside. With a curl of his tongue, he whistled again, the piercing sound penetrating the melee below us and bringing the men to the silence I desired.

  For a long moment, I could only stare at the knight, at the confidence in his gray eyes, at the boldness of his manner. Was he the one who had so daringly rescued the criminals yesterday in the marketplace? And was he the one who had so bravely entered the sheriff’s well-guarded estate and brought me information in the chapel?

  His gaze was unswerving. And I could see that there was no pretense in him. He wasn’t putting on airs or trying to be anybody other than who he was. Yet neither was he divulging whether he’d come to my aid before.

  “Lady Rosemarie,” the duke said, hastening to stand at the base of the steps and smile up at me. “You look lovely this morning. I trust all is well.”

  “Yes, your Grace,” I answered, tearing my attention from the young knight. “I’m sorry to disturb your hunting preparations. But I would like to make an announcement.”

  “Anything for you, Lady Rosemarie,” he replied with a bow.

  “After much prayer and consideration . . .”

  The duke’s eyes were warm and happy, as if he already guessed my next words. And suddenly I knew that no matter the outcome, my dear friend had been wise to present this option to me, even if the idea of courting three different men made me uncomfortable. Even if in the end I entered cloistered life anyway. At least I would be a stronger and better woman for taking this risk.