An Uncertain Choice

by Jody Hedlund

  “He wanted you to know it’s exactly the kind of gown your father would have given you for your first dance.” Trudy’s voice cracked. “He said your father would have wanted you to make your first public appearance looking like the woman you’re becoming and not like the little girl you once were.”

  Another knock on the door interrupted us. Trudy bustled to answer and again spoke to a servant in the hallway before stepping back inside holding out a small box. “Another gift,” she said, her eyes wide with wonder. “This one from Sir Collin.”

  I took the box, untied a pretty ribbon holding the lid shut, and then opened it. This time, Trudy’s gasp was louder, echoing my inner wonder. There, enfolded in silk, was a necklace alternating diamonds and pearls from clasp to clasp.

  “I can’t accept this,” I said in swift protest.

  “The servant said you must have it. If you return it, Sir Collin will only send it right back.”

  I lifted the necklace from the box, letting it dangle from my fingers. The jewels sparkled in a dazzling array.

  Something inside whispered that I couldn’t accept such a gift from Sir Collin. As much as I’d enjoyed Sir Collin’s bantering and easy ways, as much as I liked his goodness and generosity, my feelings for him weren’t yet deep enough to take something so extraordinary.

  “You must wear the necklace with the gown.” Trudy bustled to the bed and spread out the rustling layers of the gown. “It matches so nicely.”

  A third knock sounded on the door and brought a smile to my nursemaid’s face. “Another gift, my lady? Which knight do you think it’s from this time?” She answered the door and talked with the servant in the hallway. “I was right,” she said a moment later as she closed the door. Her ruddy face beamed as she brought forward a box. “Another gift.”

  Would it be from Sir Derrick? My heartbeat skittered forward at the thought. What would he send me? How would he choose to favor me?

  The box was longer, and when I opened it I understood why. It was a long, sheer veil attached to a crown of red rosebuds interspersed with the purest white baby’s breath.

  “Oh, my lady.” Trudy’s words came out a reverent whisper. “How lovely.”

  It was exquisite. But I couldn’t seem to summon the pleasure I knew I ought for such a gift. “It’s from Sir Bennet?”

  “Yes, my lady. How did you know?”

  I couldn’t quite say, except I had the feeling a gift from Sir Derrick would be different somehow.

  I cast aside my strange disappointment and attempted to conjure appreciation for the headpiece. Sir Bennet was as thoughtful as always and certainly had an eye for beauty.

  As Trudy began the process of preparing me for the dance, I couldn’t stop waiting for the final rap on the door, the one that would bring Sir Derrick’s gift. But as the hour passed silently, without any further interruptions, my heart filled with uncertainty. Surely he wouldn’t neglect to send me something, not when his friends had taken such trouble to bestow such fine gifts upon me. Especially after the way we’d bantered in the rain. Had he misplaced his gift? Or forgotten?

  But as the afternoon wore into evening, my heart pinched with the truth: he had not forgotten to give me a gift. He’d simply chosen not to.

  Chapter

  13

  “Are you ready, dear one?” The duke tucked my hand more securely into the crook of his arm.

  I stared at the massive doors of the Great Hall and swallowed hard. “Yes, I believe so.”

  Dressed in a knee-length doublet with polished silver buttons, the duke stood tall, his face clear of worry, his eyes brimming with pride. “Your father and mother would have been delighted to see the beautiful young woman you’ve become.”

  I glanced at the full crimson skirt, at the tight-fitting waist and bodice that shaped me perfectly, and at the diamonds and pearls that sparkled brilliantly. “I know I’ve already said it a hundred times, but thank you for the gown. I’ve never worn anything like it.”

  He smiled down at me. “You deserve something special to celebrate this occasion.”

  “Thank you, your Grace.” I stood on tip-toes and kissed his cheek as I would have my father. “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

  “Then you’ve forgiven me for throwing your future plans into disarray?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive. I’ve realized I can’t shy away from this challenge out of fear.” I’d opened my heart to the knights, I’d made myself vulnerable to love. I didn’t want to think about what would happen at the end of the month if I wasn’t in love with one of them. Even worse, what if one of them didn’t fall in love with me?

  “Shall we proceed?” the duke asked.

  I nodded, swallowing my nervousness once again.

  As the duke signaled the guards standing at attention to open the doors, I resisted the urge to let my fingers flutter to the diamonds and pearls that circled my neck or to the veil of roses gracing my head. Instead, I once again felt the sting of Sir Derrick’s slight. I lifted my chin, though, and hoped he would see the gifts the other two had given me and realize his mistake. At the very least, I’d determined to thank Sir Collin and Sir Bennet generously by paying them all my attention. If Sir Derrick was making it clear that he didn’t want to court me, then why should I spend my remaining time considering him? Especially when I only had two weeks left.

  The doors swung wide and a sudden hush fell over the guests. The duke squeezed my hand and together we started into the large room with its high vaulted ceilings, arched stained glass windows, lush tapestries, and a long strip of gold carpet that had been rolled down the center of the room for my entrance. I could feel all eyes on me, curious yet admiring. I kept a smile on my lips and glided forward through the room, grateful for the strong, steady presence of the duke at my side.

  He delivered me regally to my place, and then, after pushing in my chair, he took his seat next to me. The three young knights joined him that evening as guests of honor at the head table.

  Throughout the dinner, Sir Collin and Sir Bennet carried on a lively conversation with me. Although I was tempted to glance at Sir Derrick positioned farther down the table, I refrained. He seemed disinclined to enter into my discussion anyway. I tried to pretend that I didn’t care, that I was completely happy speaking with and spending time with Sir Collin and Sir Bennet. Why should I not be? They were both entertaining and thoughtful. And I truly harbored fondness for them both.

  Nevertheless, after the time with Sir Derrick in town earlier in the week and the moment in the gatehouse when we’d been dripping wet but happy, I’d expected him to begin showing me more attention and making an effort to seek me out. But he seemed content to sit back and converse with those around him without so much as a glance in my direction.

  I tried not to admit how much it hurt.

  After the feast, the duke escorted me around the room and introduced me to the guests, many whom I hadn’t seen since my father and mother had died. I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed mingling among them and was secretly relieved the Baron of Caldwell and his wife weren’t there. I wasn’t sure I could have endured thinking about Thomas and the possibility I could have been married to him by now if only I’d known about the exception much earlier.

  By the time my servants had cleared the remains of the meal and the musicians began to play, I’d grown more relaxed, so that when the dance started I only had to fight a few nervous tingles.

  Sir Collin and Sir Bennet fought over me for each of the dances, at first good-naturedly. But after several dances, I sensed a growing tension between them. As they grudgingly took turns twirling me and making me laugh, I told myself I wasn’t disappointed that Sir Derrick hadn’t come to claim at least one dance. I only hoped he would look on from time to time and see that I was happy with the other two men. And secretly, I wished him to be jealous, even if just slightly.

  “May I have a dance with the queen of the hall?” The duke smiled at me over Sir Collin
’s shoulder, which fortunately was healing well and now only required a bandage.

  “Only one dance, your Grace.” Sir Collin relinquished me with a wink. “I can’t bear to be apart from Lady Rosemarie for longer than that.”

  The duke took Sir Collin’s place, towering above me, his eyes gentle as he gazed down at me.

  “You look like you’re having a wonderful time tonight,” he said as the musicians started another tune.

  “I’m having a delightful evening.” I smiled up at him. “I cannot thank you enough for giving me this experience — ​even if only once in my life. I shall remember this night always.”

  The duke’s brow wrinkled. “Then you’re not taking a liking to any of the three knights? I thought for sure you would have some developing affection for at least one of them by now.”

  “Oh yes, I like them all very much.”

  He studied my face as we danced.

  “They’re all very kind and sweet,” I reassured him.

  “But none of them are stirring deeper feelings and interest within you?”

  I hesitated in responding, wanting to be truthful with the duke. Had I begun to experience deeper feelings for any of the men?

  My jumbled thoughts returned to the moment in the gatehouse with Sir Derrick, when we’d returned from town, to the desires that had swelled in my chest to be with him longer and know him better. The longing had been keen — ​and yes, different from anything I’d felt so far when I was with Sir Collin and Sir Bennet. Even now, I couldn’t keep from stealing a glance in Sir Derrick’s direction.

  The duke followed my gaze. “Ah, I see.”

  I snapped my attention back to the duke.

  “You’re interested in Sir Derrick.” He stated it so simply that I couldn’t help but believe him.

  Even so, a denial quickly pushed for releases. “Oh no, your Grace. He has no interest in me. He didn’t even give me gifts like the others.”

  “Perhaps his gifts are different than theirs.”

  “And he hasn’t planned a special day for me yet.”

  “He told me he’s working on it.”

  I shook my head with mounting frustration at myself for caring so much. Why couldn’t the attention of the other two be enough? “I shouldn’t complain,” I said, forcing a smile. “I’m perfectly content with Sir Collin and Sir Bennet. They’re both wonderful men.”

  “But . . .” The duke held my gaze, demanding honesty.

  I sighed. “But I don’t understand why Sir Derrick hasn’t sought me out like the others. Perhaps he doesn’t like me.”

  The duke smiled. “Knowing Sir Derrick as I do, I have no doubt he likes you. He just may need slightly more convincing that you do indeed want his company.”

  Suddenly, I knew with certainty that I not only wanted his company, I longed for it — ​perhaps more than the others. But I could hardly admit that to the duke, could I?

  The music began to slow, signaling the end of the dance.

  “Shall I inform Sir Derrick of your desire to dance with him next?”

  The duke’s question shot a streak of panic through me. “Your Grace, I couldn’t possibly —​”

  “Have courage, Lady Rosemarie,” my wise friend gently admonished. “Besides, I shall be discreet in relaying your desire to him.” He didn’t give me the chance to protest further, but instead stalked over to the head table.

  Sir Collin was at my side in an instant, claiming me for the next dance. Sir Bennet was close behind.

  “You had the last dance with Lady Rosemarie,” the dark-haired knight spoke stiffly behind Sir Collin, his blue eyes shimmering with barely concealed anger. “It’s my turn now.”

  Sir Collin’s fingers at my waist tightened and his smile turned brittle. “You’re mistaken, my friend. Lady Rosemarie has been waiting to dance with me again, haven’t you, my lady?” I could hardly muster a response. My stomach was too aflutter and my hands damp. My focus was on the duke as he approached Sir Derrick. He interrupted the young knight’s conversation with the two men standing at the side of the table, whispered something in Sir Derrick’s ear, and finally stood back, crossing his arms over his chest and smiling with satisfaction.

  Sir Derrick slowly turned to look at me, his gaze immediately spanning the distance, crashing into mine and taking my breath away. One of his brows lifted, as if questioning the truth of whatever the duke had whispered to him.

  I rapidly dropped my gaze and pretended to focus on Sir Collin. But Sir Collin had grown quiet. Behind him, Sir Bennet’s brows had come together into a scowl. At first I thought they’d witnessed the duke’s interaction with Sir Derrick, but then I realized they were too busy glaring at each other to notice anything else.

  The music for the next dance began, and this time the tune was slower. I smiled at Sir Collin and Sir Bennet as brightly as I could. “We have plenty of dances left.”

  But neither returned my smile. Their usual lightheartedness had dissipated. Instead their features were taut, their bodies tense.

  “You’re not being fair,” Sir Bennet ground out between his teeth.

  “You know as well as I do there can only be one winner to the contest,” Sir Collin replied lightly, although his eyes were hard.

  Sir Bennet took a step toward Sir Collin and placed a hand on his shoulder — ​the injured shoulder.

  Sir Collin winced but shoved Sir Bennet’s chest.

  Sir Bennet squeezed Sir Collin’s shoulder before letting go, a warning in his eyes. “Play by the rules.”

  Sir Collin’s grip on my waist didn’t lessen. “I didn’t know we had any rules.” With that, he smiled and spun away from Sir Bennet. But before he had the chance to complete the rotation, he bumped into Sir Derrick.

  Sir Derrick ignored Sir Collin and Sir Bennet. Instead, he looked at me and said nothing, as though he were waiting for my acknowledgement. The other two knights would have flattered me to put me at ease. But he was different, somehow bolder and requiring boldness of me at the same time.

  My heartbeat tripped like a bumbling dancer. I didn’t know what to say, especially in front of the other two men. I could only offer Sir Derrick a tentative smile and hope that he could read the welcome in my eyes.

  As if seeing what he wanted in my unspoken message, he offered Sir Collin an apologetic nod. “I hope you’ll forgive me for cutting in on you, my friend. But I couldn’t let the evening pass without claiming at least one dance with Lady Rosemarie.”

  Sir Collin gave a short laugh and nodded toward Sir Bennet, whose scowl had darkened. “I suggest getting in line.” He started to pull away from the two, but Sir Derrick’s thick arm shot out and blocked his friend.

  The steel in Sir Derrick’s eyes was suddenly sharp. “Why don’t we leave it up to Lady Rosemarie to pick which of the three of us she wants to dance with next?”

  I could feel Sir Collin stiffen at the challenge. I certainly didn’t want to hurt any of their feelings, but I didn’t know how it was possible to choose one of them without creating more tension.

  “If she chooses you,” Sir Derrick continued, “then Bennet and I will bow out of your way and won’t offer a word of protest for the rest of the night.”

  Would Sir Derrick relinquish me that easily? I caught a glimmer in his eyes that was almost taunting, as though he knew I would pick him over the other men.

  His overconfidence stirred my ire. I ought to turn my back on him and hold out my hand to Sir Bennet. From the way the young knight had stared at my mouth during a couple of the dances, he was bound to steal a kiss from me before the night was over. Maybe I’d let him do so at a moment when Sir Derrick could witness it.

  But as soon as the thought rushed through my mind, I silently chastised myself. I wasn’t planning to give away my first kiss out of spite. But I would show Sir Derrick that I wasn’t pining away after him.

  I took a step away from Sir Collin and lifted my chin. “Very well. I shall give Sir Derrick this next dance. I can do nothing l
ess since he finally gathered the courage to ask me.”

  I’d questioned Sir Derrick’s courage once before and earned his quick censure. So I wasn’t surprised when his eyes narrowed and his nostrils flared. He brushed past Sir Collin and took his place in front of me. Without waiting for my permission, he placed his hands upon my waist as the dance required.

  I sucked in a breath at the contact, at the strength of his fingers, and at the closeness of his body. Then, catching myself, I placed my hands upon his arms and prayed he wouldn’t feel the trembling in my fingers.

  For several minutes we danced silently and stiffly about the Great Hall, mingling with the other couples. He kept a proper distance between us, but nevertheless, I felt as though I would be scorched under the heat of his hand at my waist. Part of me whispered that I needed to apologize for insulting his courage. But I couldn’t seem to find the words, and even if I could, I wasn’t sure I’d be able to force them past the constricting bodice of my gown and the tightness of my jeweled necklace.

  “You dance well for your first dance.” He finally broke the silence between us.

  “Thank you, sir. You dance well too.”

  The words were as stiff as our movements. We might have been marionettes held by a puppeteer’s strings.

  I had wished to dance with him, to be near him. And now that I was, I was ruining the moment with my silly pride. I struggled to find a way to bring about a peace between us.

  He finally sighed, his warm breath caressing my forehead. “My lady,” he started, his voice soft, almost apologetic.

  I couldn’t resist glancing up into his eyes. The candlelight that shimmered from the wall sconces reflected warmly there. I could see that he was making a noble effort at a truce.

  Relief sifted through me and relaxed my muscles.

  “I’m glad you chose to dance with me,” he admitted in almost a whisper. He glanced off for a moment before taking a deep breath and making another confession. “I’m not sure how much longer I could have held myself back.”