The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  The Great Repression

  The Puritans were boring and most certainly a little repressed. The Puritans believed that kissing with tongue involved witchcraft, meaning that any mouth to P action was punishable by, well, the same as witchcraft, only more public and painful in order to serve as a deterrent. Even music was considered evil, and funk music made the town elders explode. THINK FOOTLOOSE, MINUS THE COLONIAL KEVIN BACON TO SHOW THESE PEOPLE THE WAY. It was against the law not to attend church, and men and women sat separately so as not to distract each other, which happened often when the women wore their shoelace-high skirts.

  As for the accusing-natured Ann, the accusations just kept rolling in. She ended up pointing the finger at sixty-two different people in all. Her parents, ever the pious Puritans, enjoyed the executions so much they got into the accusation game also. With so many people being sentenced to death, area residents could often be heard playing the “if given a choice, will you choose, boiling, hanging, burning, or quartering” game. YEARS LATER, ANN CAME CLEAN AND TOLD TMZ.COM THAT MANY OF HER ACCUSATIONS WERE FALSE.

  1754–1763 THE FRENCH AND INDIAN WAR

  The French teamed up with the Indians, promising silk scarves for everyone upon victory

  Stranger Than Clooney-Rosie O'Donnell?

  Remember the first time you watched porn? You were wondering why the short troll-like gentlemen got to “act” with the gorgeous blonde with the perfect larries. Then he got de-pantsed, and not only was the dude huge, he could also outlast you and three of your friends. The brilliant script had brought together a strange combination. If bagging a chick like that seems off the radar for most, an alliance between fiercely capable Indian warriors and a French military more interested in sharing a glass of Merlot than scalping their next victim was even stranger. It is this combination during the French and Indian War that tops the list of most unusual wartime playmates.

  Taking place on American soil from 1754 until 1763, the French and Indian War is a war known by many names. This enjoyable nine-year confrontation is also known as the Seven Years War in honor of the length of time from the official declaration of the war in 1756 to the treaty signing in 1763. In the land of impressionist painters, the French call it “Guerre de Sept Ans” which also translates to “seven years war,” but when it is said in French it sounds like an effeminate growl.

  Your Basic “Smash-and-Grab” Job

  Unlike many of the more popular wars of today, this conflict was about land and not religion. REALIZING THAT THE UNITED STATES WAS AN IDEAL LOCATION TO EXPAND CABARET DANCING, THE FRENCH SENT THEIR SOLDIERS SOUTH DOWN THE OHIO RIVER IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD OF MODERN-DAY PITTSBURGH. They teamed up with the Indians against the British, promising silk scarves for everyone upon victory.

  The fighting was fierce, as French soldiers nibbled exotic cheeses like gay mice and shooed the British out of the area. The French enjoyed important victories at Fort Oswego, Fort William Henry, Fort Duquesne, and Carillon. But, as quickly as a high school male getting laid for the first time can achieve liftoff, the tide turned and the British were celebrating their war effort with warm beer and fish and chips.

  To the Victor Goes the Syrup

  With the spirit of the French broken and the Indians wondering what could have been, the war officially ended on February 10, 1763, with the signing of the Treaty of Paris. This treaty stripped the French of all of their North American territory east of the Mississippi except for a couple of small islands off the coast of Newfoundland. In exchange, the French regained control of the Caribbean Islands of Guadeloupe and Martinique, which were being controlled by the British at the time. The Spanish found a way to get their hands on Louisiana for their loss of the sunshine state of Florida to the British. AND TO THE VICTOR WENT THE SPOILS, WITH THE BRITISH RECEIVING ALL OF CANADA AND THE UNLIMITED SUPPLY OF MAPLE SYRUP THAT CAME WITH IT.

  1773 THE BOSTON TEA PARTY

  An effort was made to turn away BEI's ships like same sex lovers at a Focus on the Family conference

  A Quick Game of Monopoly

  By 1773, the colonists had developed a “fuck you” attitude toward the mother country. Tired of the British attempts to control the settlers in the New World, many of the early arrivers to the area began looking for ways of establishing their own economic and social identity. For some of the new-bies who packed their entrepreneurial spirit with them, it became a popular practice to smuggle tea into the colonies. Steve Jobs and Michael Dell wan-nabes like John Hancock could sell their circumventive tea at a lower price, as the legitimate British tea that was being imported had a colonial tax imposed on it by the British Parliament.

  The powerful British East India Company was responsible for importing their tasty tea into the colonies. It appeared to the BEI that tea smuggling had taken on a hugely popular multilevel marketing platform, as their sales in the colonies dropped from 320,000 pounds per annum to a mere 520 pounds per annum, or the approximate weight of Republican radio host and prescription drug enthusiast Rush Limbaugh's ego. Facing large debts and a huge supply of tea with nowhere to sell it as the colonial tax made it impossible to compete on price, the BEI begged for help from the British government.

  In response to BEI's fit throwing, the British passed the “let's try and please everyone” Tea Act. This piece of legislation allowed the BEI to import their delicious tea into the colonies completely tax free. By removing the tax, BEI could now sell their tea for even less than those participating in Amway's smuggled tea pyramid. The king's representative in the colonies, Lord North, nicknamed Peter for the use of his outrageously long tea spout, figured it would be a winning deal for all involved. Instead, the settlers saw the removal of the tea tax as a way of creating an instant tea monopoly for BEI in the colonies.

  Take This Tea and Shove it

  The wig-wearing British Parliament underestimated the effects of the 1773 Tea Act coming on the heels of the 1767 Townshend Acts, which came on the heels of the 1765 Stamp Act. Many in the colonies were steamed about taxes being implemented and changed without having a say in the matter. OUT OF FRUSTRATION, THE FAMOUS LINE “NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION” BECAME POPULAR AS AMWAY SALESMAN STARTED SELLING HATS, T-SHIRTS, AND BUMPER STICKERS TO THEIR FAMILY AND FRIENDS WITH THE SLOGAN PRINTED ON IT. The appearance that the British government was attempting to create a monopoly on tea sales for the BEI Company was the final straw for many colonists. An effort was made to turn away BEI's ships like same sex lovers at a Focus on the Family conference before they could even make landfall. However, in Boston the BEI had the support of the pro-British governor, and they were able to make it into port with their cargo of tea.

  On December 16, 1773, the night before the tea was to be unloaded, approximately sixty local Boston residents, believed to be led by Samuel Adams, dressed up as Mohawk Indians and boarded the three ships, the Dartmouth, the Eleanor, and the Beaver, and began destroying the cargo. Nonparticipating witnesses have said the colonists dressed up not only as Indians, but also as police, construction workers, sailors, and cowboys, and that the after-party really got out of hand. Police reported hearing loud chants of “Y-M-C-A,” but nobody seemed to understand its relevance. ONCE THE SHIPS WERE BOARDED, THEY DIDN'T BOTHER TO STEAL THE TEA, THEY SIMPLY DUMPED ALL 342 CRATES OF TEA INTO BOSTON HARBOR WHILE DANCING TO A FUNKADELIC DISCO BEAT.

  Party Like It's 1773

  Reaction to this Tea Party was mixed at best. Colonists such as Ben Franklin were on record condemning the act, and Franklin even offered to pay the British back out of his own resources. The British were shocked, to say the least. Fashionistas were said to decry the costume choices by the colonists. The British were angry, and like a parent putting a young child in time-out, the British closed the port of Boston immediately and went on to pass the “Intolerable Acts.” These acts were set in place to punish this kind of resistance in the future. They are also credited as being one of the events that led up to the Revolutionary War, which granted the colonists their independence f
rom the British. Recently, it has been speculated that the British have sought revenge against the United States with attempts to make us watch Hugh Grant movies and soccer games. However, quick-thinking Americans have struck back by stealing many generations of English chefs and dentists, causing an epidemic in England of poor teeth and horrible food.

  1775 PATRICK HENRY'S CALL TO ARMS

  “Just Win, Baby”

  High Maintenance

  The Henrys were a demanding family. It was in their blood. John Henry demanded sex on a regular basis and his wife was happy to accommodate.

  The byproduct of their frequent encounters was eleven children, including the favored Patrick Henry. Known to have the characteristics of a Latin lover long before there were Latin men living the American dream, John proved to have the sexual stones and genetic make up to produce offspring with great oratory skills.

  Demanding Education

  As parents, John Henry and his wife Sarah Winston Syme were a demanding pair. They ordered their kids to eat their vegetables and were just as inflexible when it came to education. FEARING HIS INABILITY TO COORDINATE PARENT- TEACHER CONFERENCES FOR ALL ELEVEN OF HIS KIDS, JOHN CHOSE TO EDUCATE HIS KIDS AT HOME. By home schooling Patrick and his siblings they were able to avoid all the hazards that children who attended traditional government-run schools in the 1700s were forced to deal with. The pressure to decide whether or not to join a gang, who to bring to the prom, or whether the blonde on the bus or the brunette in homeroom was most likely to put out were things the Henry children did not have to deal with. Released from these stresses, Patrick was free to learn the skills from his father that would eventually land him a wife with an attractive dowry.

  Demanding Marital Bliss

  Swearing off sex before marriage, Patrick used his father's virility as proof that the Henrys were accomplished sexual performers and that any woman who would commit herself to him would be in line for some off the charts satisfying encounters. Confident he was a solid catch, Patrick followed the Henry family tradition and demanded a dowry in return for giving his bachelorhood away.

  The first to take the bait was Sarah Shelton, a horny Virginia girl. With her came a 600-acre tobacco farm and six slaves as a dowry. Unfortunately for Patrick, none of the slaves were of Native American heritage. This proved to be important when a severe drought hit Virginia and none of the African slaves working the land could muster up an adequate rain dance to bring much needed precipitation to the Henry farm. Upset with his slaves for not making it rain when they were told to, Patrick sold the six underperforming slaves to raise enough capital to start a store. Unfortunately, Patrick's father was an underwriter for Countrywide Home Loans, so when he taught Economics 101 to the Henry kids, he taught them to extend credit liberally. PATRICK'S FREDDY MAC — LIKE LENDING PRACTICES RESULTED IN THE BUSINESS FAILING

  The Most Famous Demand

  With a failed farm and a failed business on his resume, Patrick relied on his father to call in a couple of favors from his friends of influence. With a little arm twisting Patrick was granted a license to practice law. Shortly thereafter, Patrick parlayed his newfound stature in the community into a seat in the House of Burgesses. Patrick used this platform to give one of the most famous speeches in American history. Using his enthusiastic hatred toward the British as a backdrop, Patrick spoke to the members of the House of Burgesses, and of course, made demands.

  It is in vain, sir, to extenuate the matter. Gentlemen may cry, “Peace! Peace!” — but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps down from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!

  Although the last line was rich in hyperbole and lacked sincerity, Patrick's speech was well received by both the slave lords of the South and the carpetbaggers-to-be of the North, leading to an Al Davis — like, “Just Win, Baby” mentality that proved to unite and inspire those ready to resist the British. Henry's most famous demand became a rallying cry of sorts for colonists to throw off the British rule and to, of course, demand their freedom.

  1775 PAUL REVERE'S MIDNIGHT RIDE

  Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?

  Long Time

  Paul Revere was a half-French colonist who at the time of his midnight run needed to get laid. He was in the midst of an all-time slump that he couldn't seem to break out of. No amount of clever pickup lines, begging, or alcohol seemed to get a woman of any race or attractiveness to open her pearly gates to him. He was at the receiving end of many jokes, mostly comparing him to a sexual camel that had a drink a long time ago and was now going through an obnoxiously long stretch without any action. WITHIN PAUL'S HOMETOWN HE WAS QUICKLY ACHIEVING THE UNWANTED REPUTATION OF BEING A TAD DESPERATE, AND EVEN THE STOUTEST OF COLONIAL LADIES WERE TURNING HIM DOWN ON A REGULAR BASIS.

  When Paul was asked to help the colonists cause by taking a midnight ride to warn of the impending British arrival, he was at first annoyed. He felt the main reason for the invitation was not his patriotism, bravery, or even his riding prowess; it was simply because everyone knew his late night calendar was painfully available. But as Paul began to sulk, he had the realization that going door to door warning of the British movement could actually prove to be a good way to meet ladies and end his own sexual problem of being “frequency-challenged,” as he called it. He reasoned he could use the opportunity to fish with a much wider net and see who jumped in.

  Slow Ride

  The famous nighttime horse ride occurred over April 18 and 19 of 1775.

  Paul and a desperate but not as desperate fellow jockey, William Dawes, were instructed to warn John Hancock and Samuel Adams of the coming British troops. The nearly born again virgin duo took different routes to protect against both of them being captured at the same time. As they went through each town, they took the opportunity to knock on doors, asking to meet the lady of the house along with “Mind if I come in?”

  Revere is known today for his midnight ride to warn citizens that the “British are coming!” All the confusion started when a poet named Longfellow immortalized Revere's ride in a poem. With a name like Longfellow, he was too busy shagging hippie chicks to fact-check. Historians continue to overlook that the real reason for the quest was to get laid. Thankfully at the next to last house Paul finally got invited in and four minutes later the quick triggered Revere changed his shouts from “the British are coming” to a more adult themed “Paul Revere is cumming! Paul Revere is cumming!”

  A team of Cornell history majors have traced Paul Revere's sexual frequency issues back to his attempts to win female favor through his use of the following lame pick up lines.

  Let's have some porridge tomorrow morn. Shall I post thee or nudge thee?

  My love for you is like diarrhea; I simply cannot hold it in!

  Do you care for a raisin? How about a date?

  If I planted a garden, may I place our tulips together?

  1775–1783 THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR

  The Teapot Boiled Over

  Colonist Uprising

  Colonists in the New World of America had become tired of the meddling and micromanagement of their affairs from the motherland of Great Britain. In 1775 the teapot boiled over, and enraged revolutionists stood up to the parent country and took control of the governments of the thirteen somewhat flourishing New World colonies. Not interested in family or small-group counseling, the revolutionists instead set up their own Continental army along with a Second Continental Congress to act as a quasi-national government in charge of the war effort to expel British troops from the newly named United States.

  America's Army of Farmers

  Months before the war with the British Empire commenced, the army ran endless print and
television ads encouraging young males to be all they could be within the army of one. THE NEWLY FORMED CONTINENTAL ARMY OFFERED $60,000 BONUSES AND CHROME TOASTERS FOR THOSE WILLING TO SIGN THEMSELVES OR A FAMILY MEMBER UP AT WWW.GOARMY.COM. Since the Revolutionary War preceded President Ronald Reagan's deficit defense spending model, the new recruits were asked to join other not so new recruits in bringing their sharpest knife to the fight, and keep to the “don't ask, don't tell” policy if they preferred fornicating with those of the same sex. Without government-issued uniforms the Southern soldiers were free to wear their favorite white wife beater shirts and the Northern combatants were okayed to wear comfort-fitting long johns of various colors. Since most of the soldiers were not career military-minded men, they often were forced to return home after a week or two of fighting the enemy, as they had farms to tend to.

  Underequipped and underdressed for the occasion, the fighting farmers caught a break when they received legitimate war-winning weapons and stylish purple silk vests from the French government. AS A TOKEN OF OUR APPRECIATION, WE SENT THE FRENCH FORMER 21 JUMP STREET AND PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN STAR JOHNNY DEPP TO PARIS TO LIVE IN RETURN, KNOWING WITH HIS FEMININE MANNERISMS AND QUIRKY WAYS HE WOULD BE A GREAT ASSET TO THEIR SOCIETY.