The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  On October 10, 1919, with a vote of 321–70, Congress put the wheels in motion for the complete prohibition of alcohol beginning January 16, 1920. THE GOVERNMENT TELLING AMERICANS THEY CANNOT DRINK ALCOHOL IS LIKE A PARENT TELLING A KID HE CAN'T HAVE A TELEVISION IN THEIR ROOM. If the kid really wants a television they are going to whine, cry, and break the rules if needed to get it. So it was with adults in 1920 who wanted to have an alcoholic beverage; they were going to find a way to have it.

  The January 15 Binge

  With the complete elimination of legal consumption of alcohol the following day, you would think most Americans who enjoyed an intoxicating beverage would go on a wild drink-till-you-throw-up binger the night before. Although many people symbolically participated in “one last night” of drinking, the reality is most people just made plans to find alternatives for acquiring their alcohol.

  With the convenience of buying alcohol gone but the urge for a drink remaining equal to pre — Eighteenth Amendment levels, Americans were forced to become much more creative in how they caught their next buzz. People with excess capital in their wallets were surprised at how well they got along with the underworld. Organized crime was relentless in their efforts to make sure that Americans who wanted to drink, and could afford to drink, could find a drink.

  In fact, speakeasies became all the rage for those who could afford it.

  These private, members-only clubs where you could drink behind closed doors popped up everywhere. By some counts there were over 100,000 speakeasies in New York City alone. On the other hand, those who found their personal resources inadequate began creating their own home brews. They tinkered until they had some awful-tasting concoction that gave them a cheap buzz in their basement.

  Drinking Can Kill You!

  The good news for those who could afford to buy a drink from organized crime was that it was easily accessible. The bad news was they could get caught up in a gunfight buying it. The bootlegging industry was huge, and guys like Al Capone were enjoying the riches of supplying alcohol to the common man. Unfortunately, these high profits caused bootlegging turf wars. There were, on average, 400 murders a year related to the production and sale of alcohol in Chicago alone. Buying liquor became more than just a contact sport; it became a game of Survivor.

  Now those who could not afford to buy booze from gangsters were not safe either. They may not share the same risk as being caught in the crossfire of rival gangs when obtaining their booze that their wealthier counterparts did. No, the risk for the poor was in home-brewed moonshine. Deaths from poisoned liquor grew from 1,064 in 1920 to 4,154 in 1925. At a glance, it is easy to reason that anytime the death rate goes up 400 percent it is never a good thing.

  Twenty-One Is Better Than Eighteen

  The primary reason Prohibition was a failure was lack of financial support by the federal government. Without the proper funding, enforcement became impossible. It took thirteen years of putting Americans in the awkward position of breaking the law every time they took a sip of booze before the Constitution was amended a second time with respect to alcohol.

  The Eighteenth Amendment did little to improve the quality of life of Americans, and the government suffered from not being able to tax revenue associated with the production and distribution of alcohol. As a result, on December 5, 1933, just like all the parents around the country who gave in and got their kid a 46-inch wall mounted flat screen television with HBO for their bedroom, the U.S. government voted in the Twenty-first Amendment, which effectively wiped out the eighteenth, and made producing, transporting, and consuming alcoholic beverages legal again. For most Americans, the amendments are like blackjack, and twenty-one is always better than eighteen.

  Thankfully alcohol and the understanding of its pleasures extend outside of working America. Today Capitol Hill is full of legislators who enjoy downing a cocktail or two. For some, it is enough to have a glass of Merlot after “a health care for kids!” snubbing vote. For others, a mind-bending drink-till-you-can't-see binger helps to hide the shame of keeping sick kids from capable doctors. Unfortunately, what Barack Obama becoming the first blackish president of the United States proves is that anything really is possible.

  With this in mind, ask yourself what would happen if the same religious zealots that have managed to get alcohol sales restricted on Sundays in some areas found their own Obama and he or she managed to pass a constitutional amendment forbidding the sale and consumption of alcohol, circa today? What would be the top ten drinking experiences that Americans would miss most? Here is our best guess.

  Fridays. Maybe you skipped class after you shacked up with a less-than-attractive girl Thursday night, resulting in a head-down, hat-on walk of shame to get home. Or as rumors fly around the office all week about possible layoffs, you get called into your boss's office at 4:55 P.M. Friday afternoon and he tells you that as of Monday you are no longer welcome to visit the property and provides you with directions to the area's unemployment office. Not deterred, as you walk out the door for the final time, you ask the receptionist if she is interested in getting blotto and doing something (that would be you) she will undoubtedly regret later.

  Recommended Beverage: Cold, cold beer

  Tailgating. What better way to rev up for the big game? For the most part, tailgating consists of overweight fans downing combo platters of wings, nachos, and brats. A special note to Anderson Cooper of CNN: if you tailgate in Austin, Texas, and get lucky, you may see Matthew McConaughey shirtless.

  Recommended Beverage: Cold Beer

  Your 21st Birthday. Your so-called buddies pour various shots down your throat until you puke, pass out, or become a triathlete. What could be better?

  Recommended Beverage: Keep switching between various liquors and beers, with a final flaming sambuca shot to get the bile going north.

  New Year's Eve. Even though it is amateur night, the overcrowded bar scene should increase the numerator of how many people are out to get laid that night. With the alcohol flowing, it is probably your best chance of the year to find noncommittal recreational sex.

  Recommended Beverage: Long Island Iced Tea. After four or five of these, most members of the opposite sex will look tongue-worthy at midnight.

  College Graduation. You just skated your way through a somewhat reputable four-year university, piling up enormous amounts of student loans. With scores of life experiences and a piece of paper to take with you, you realize that the likelihood of ever climbing out of debt is slim to none. Realizing that you are in for a lifetime of harassing phone calls from the collection agency that your student loan company will eventually turn your account over to, you are in the mood to celebrate.

  Recommended Beverage: Bourbon and water, topped off with a few beers to finish off the evening.

  Happy Hour. It's five o'clock somewhere! Round up the office posse and head to the nearby watering hole for some drinks, bad karaoke, and even worse dancing.

  Recommended Beverage: Margaritas

  Office Party. Where else can you get together a bunch of people with repressed feelings, both positive and negative, add liberal amounts of alcohol, and watch the drama unfold firsthand? Inappropriate hook-ups, office affairs revealed, slighted employees going off on their boss — nothing is better or more unpredictable. Not to mention the palpable level of discomfort on Monday.

  Recommended Beverage: Rum Punch and Spiked Eggnog

  Weddings. The happy couple mockingly laughs at the country's 52 percent divorce rate — it won't happen to them. Not tonight at least! Whether you have known your date for five years or five minutes, it helps to have some liquid courage.

  Recommended Beverage: Pure grain alcohol if you can find it. If not, fill a flask with something that has plenty of kick.

  Bachelor Party. You're sending one of your buddies off into the married world. They have found that magical someone. This alleged love of their life is someone they are willing to devote themselves to and potentially even procreate with. You supe
rimpose an image of the couple's DNA together in your mind and wince. It's going to be a long, strange, trip.

  Recommended Beverage: Appletinis. Just kidding, unless you attended the University of Virginia. Go with top-shelf gin and tonics.

  Drinking in Vegas. Even though you have to watch a handful of idiots get real loud every time they announce to the whole bar that they are doing another Jager-bomb, it is still the best place to get your drink on. What else are you to do when you are trading bad jokes with your friends while losing your shirt at the blackjack table? Pound an alcohol-free ginger ale when the dealer pulls out a 5 with 16 up? Not a chance. Liquid stupidity is part of the Vegas experience.

  Recommended Beverage: Crown and Coke, mixed in with some beers to keep the twenty-four-hour buzz going.

  1925 THE SCOPES MONKEY TRIAL

  A Matlock-esque flare for the dramatic

  The Blame Game

  By the mid 1920s, people all around the United States were looking for someone to blame. With millions of alcohol-loving humans suffering through the difficulties of prohibition, questions were being asked about who was ultimately responsible for the severely flawed and newly sober human race living within the borders of the continental United States. The question was kindly answered by a Tennessee court when an attention-seeking high school teacher ignored a state law that forbade the teaching of any other theory of human creation than the one that states that God created man.

  The Butler Did It

  In 1925, Tennessee passed the Butler Act, which prohibited teachers in the Tennessee school system from teaching any theory of man's creation other than the one put forth in the Bible. The American Civil Liberties Union decided to get involved and set up a test case in which they would handle the defense for the guinea pig.

  John “Darwin” Scopes, friend of the ape, politely raised his hand and volunteered for the job. At the behest of the ACLU, Scopes ignored the Butler Act and lectured his students that man was not created in the image of the glorious one but rather developed over time through genetic upgrades, culminating in the monkey-to-man transition.

  Monkey Business

  Following a Rolling Stones concert on May 5, 1925, Scopes was taken into police custody for talking too much monkey in the classroom. With his freedom on the line and fearing that the state penitentiary was full of angry, sexually suppressed men, Scopes declined to be represented by the inadequately trained and incompetent Public Defender's Office, instead electing to put his freedom in the hands of Clarence Darrow. Darrow was a noted legal scholar with a Matlock-esque flare for the dramatic. Using the moniker of the “trial of the century” as a tease, the media covered the trial gavel-to-gavel. TO COVER THE COURTROOM CIRCUS, FOX NEWS SENT A PRE-FACELIFT GRETA VAN SUSTEREN, THE DAILY SHOW SENT JOHN OLIVER, AND NANCY GRACE OF CNN JUST SCREAMED INCESSANTLY ABOUT SCOPES'S GUILT. The prosecution set out to prove that Scopes hated God, God's only son, the Holy Spirit, and even the Victoria Secret Angels. On the other hand, Darrow argued that a strict interpretation of the Bible was impossible, as much of what the Bible contains is someone's interpretation.

  Son of a Preacher Man

  The judge in the case, a forefather of Lance Ito, had a constant fire in his eyes and brimstone-scented cologne on his neck. He did everything short of a change of venue to the nearest church to aid the prosecution. He chose to neglect defense arguments in favor of evolution and limited their witnesses, making it nearly impossible for the defense to convert the already guilty-leaning jury.

  With strict jury instructions handed down from the judge, the jury inconvenienced themselves for an additional nine minutes to reach a decision that Scopes was guilty. Once the verdict was announced the judge quickly ordered Scopes to pay an exorbitant fine of $100. THE VERDICT WAS LATER APPEALED, AND THE BUTLER ACT REMOVED, ALLOWING SCHOOL TEACHERS TO TALK AS MUCH MONKEY IN THE CLASSROOM AS THEY WANT.

  1929–1944 THE GREAT DEPRESSION

  A Sarah Palin-at-Neiman-Marcus-like spending spree

  Shop 'til You Drop

  The Roaring Twenties was a period of fun and excess rivaled only by the shenanigans of an AIG executive retreat. The federal government dictated an easy-money policy, whoring out cash to nearly anyone at obnoxiously low interest rates. This expansion of debt for the average American and the popularity of installment loans led Americans on a Sarah Palin-at-Neiman-Marcus-like spending spree. Also fueling the engine of economic disaster was the stock market's rapid progression, causing irrational exuberance. In fact, it was even popular to take the equity out of your home to invest in the can't-miss investment opportunities in the stock market. BUT LIKE NEW COKE, PARACHUTE PANTS, AND ROCKY 5, WHAT SEEMED LIKE A GOOD IDEA AT THE TIME HAD UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES.

  The Party's Over

  By the end of these high times, the country had produced greater than its capacity to consume, and it was like Kobayashi versus Oscar Mayer. The consumers who had driven the economy sky high in the 1920s were out of credit, and restrictive overseas tariffs left the U.S. with nowhere to sell its goods. With stadiums full of goods that nobody could afford to buy, everything went on sale. Noted economist and madam to the stars Heidi Fleiss pointed out that prostitution does not have the carrying costs associated with tangible goods and therefore is a business model that more entrepreneurial woman should entertain.

  With corporate profits falling like John Kerry's popularity following the airing of the Swift boat ads, companies were left with no choice but to lower their costs by politely informing many of their workers that their attendance was no longer required.

  The unemployment rate went from the 3 percent who found working too inconvenient before the Depression to over 25 percent in 1933. Further complicating matters was that as unemployment climbed like a Tibetan sherpa, consumers could no longer meet their installment-payment obligations. Banks were forced to foreclose on loans. With prices falling, the repossessed goods were worth much less than the amount borrowed against them. Those who did have money realized that banks were in a precarious position with the high number of defaulting loans, so they started withdrawing their deposits. With bad loans and no deposits, banks began to fail. The federal government and the recently created Federal Reserve allowed banks to go under.

  In 1930, 1,400 banks went out of business. This number continued to increase until 1933, when an amazing 4,000 more banks failed. Burned by bank closings and the loss of jobs, Americans became penny pinchers and began to save what little they could. This new commitment to savings only compounded the dire situation further. Realizing that prices were continuing to fall, Americans would wait as long as possible before making new purchases. The party that was enjoyed during the Roaring Twenties was officially over, and the hangover had begun.

  Roosevelt Is Zoloft for the Great Depression

  In 1932, Franklin D. Roosevelt ran on a promise of a New Deal for the American people. WITH THE OLD DEAL CONSISTING OF HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT, A STRUGGLING ECONOMY, AND A SWIFT KICK IN THE BALLS, FDR EASILY WON THE WHITE HOUSE. In 1932 and 1933, he used up the entire alphabet in creating government agencies to increase spending and right the economy. The agencies helped reinforce business through government spending. Roosevelt knew that enormous federal expenditures were needed to pull America out of the Depression. Fortunately for Roosevelt, there was an Austrian-born politician named Adolf Hitler who became chancellor of Germany and was intent on taking over the world.

  Realizing that nothing cures a struggling economy better than a global war, Roosevelt authorized excessive government spending on the war. Along with the spending, production doubled, and unemployment fell from 1933's 25 percent to 1.2 percent in 1944. The federal government had finally brought itself out of the Depression and emerged from the Second World War as an economic powerhouse.

  1938 THE FIRST MINIMUM WAGE

  Equal pay for employees with or without external genitalia

  Feed These Families for Just Pennies a Day

  Surprisingly, it was not underpaid immigrant lan
dscapers that supporters of a mandated minimum wage were trying to protect, but rather scores of overly ambitious women who had developed an enormous appetite for joining their male counterparts in the ever-expanding workplace. The time-honored tradition of cooking, cleaning, and satisfying your husband's every sexual desire was on the way out. AS MORE AND MORE WOMEN MOVED AWAY FROM THEIR TRADITIONAL ROLE OF BABY INCUBATOR AND FULL-TIME HOMEMAKER, ATTENTION BEGAN TO FOCUS ON WHAT A FAIR AND JUST WAGE SHOULD BE.

  The state of Massachusetts enacted a law that provided a wage floor for employees with or without external genitalia. This floor was the first time that any state government dictated the value of an American worker.

  What Are You Worth?

  Over the next eleven years, fourteen more states, the District of Columbia and the, “We want to be part of the union; we don't want to be part of the union,” conflicted island of Puerto Rico all jumped on the wage-mandating train. Most of the governments set up regulatory boards that ensured that the lowest allowable wage was equal to the local cost of living. For example, the wage calculation may turn out to be $0.55 an hour in Atlanta while it equals out to two tacos and a bean burrito in Puerto Rico.