The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  Nuclear Breastinov Implants

  In October 1962 during negotiations, Khrushchev officially took sex with Miss Breastinov off the table and instead began building nuclear missile sites in the not-so-American-friendly and uncomfortably close nation of Cuba. President JFK was so angered by Khrushchev's unwillingness to order Miss Breastinov to have freakish sex with him in an effort to promote world peace, that he immediately blocked Khrushchev from his Facebook page. After it was discovered that Khrushchev was computer illiterate, effectively making the punishment ineffective, JFK called a meeting with Secretary of Defense Robert McNamara, at which time McNamara gave the president the same three options all gamblers face: check, bet, or fold.

  Let's Make a Deal

  Following an episode of the animated hit series The Simpsons, President Kennedy spoke to the nation about the desperate situation in a live televised address on October 22, 1962. With nuclear war a very real possibility, he assured the American people that he had done everything he could to work with Khrushchev diplomatically, even proposing that Khrushchev could have his way with Hollywood's semiostracized actress Shannen Doherty in an attempt to solve the growing crisis at hand.

  Leaning on his team of advisors and yes-men, JFK decided against attacking Russia's Cuban installations for fear of initiating an all-out nuclear war that could lead to the deaths of millions, including hundreds of yet-to-be-enjoyed Russian beauties. Instead, JFK opted for a more passive-aggressive approach by ordering a quarantine of Soviet ships trying to enter the small cigar-making island.

  After several days, Khrushchev blinked and agreed to dismantle his nuclear launch sites under United Nations supervision in exchange for the United States removing its weapons from Turkey and agreeing to allow Cuban dictator Fidel Castro to carry on his dictating without fear of another U.S. attack. Having narrowly avoided a nuclear war, JFK announced that he was looking for two willing White House secretaries with Russian heritage to participate in a celebratory threesome inside the oval office.

  1960s MARTIN LUTHER KING JR.

  …things started to unravel

  A Black Man's Wet Dream

  Martin Luther King Jr. may have been a black man, but he shared the same sexual fantasies as most of his Caucasian male counterparts. To prove it, in June 1963 he organized a rally of 250,000 people on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in Washington, D.C. to let Americans of all colors know publicly and emphatically that he too wanted to sleep with the hungry and emaciated Olsen twins. King told his audience that it would be an appropriate gesture of goodwill on the part of the twins if they joined him in a post civil rights rally threesome as repayment for the years of slavery that his relatives of generations past suffered through.

  Using his announcement for twin-on-King love as a springboard to discuss civil rights in America, MLK Jr. spoke passionately about the need to find racial equality in the United States. He advocated for Gandhi-like power through peaceful demonstrations when he wasn't chasing down young former child star actresses.

  Fortunately for King, his pleas for equality landed on the sympathetic ears of President John F. Kennedy. Kennedy openly championed the effort to bring social reform in the way of racial equality. For years, JFK carried around a list of names with corresponding pictures in his back left pocket of the black women he would like to sleep with once the social stigma of interracial relations was removed.

  Keep Dreaming

  MLK was on a roll. The president wanted to advance the cause of the black man, and he had the attention of African Americans everywhere.

  But as his people's mojo got working, things started to unravel. JFK was assassinated during a re-election campaign stop in Dallas, Texas. The Civil Rights Act was sympathetically passed, only to have the Vietnam War take center stage. King openly rejected the war, advocating that the money being spent to fight communism in the tiny Asian country should be spent at home as an economic stimulus package for the poor.

  Nightmare Scenario

  In March 1968 MLK rolled into Memphis, Tennessee, to support area sanitation workers who were striking to correct the shitty treatment they had been receiving. James Earl Ray, Olsen stalker and part-time vegan, shot King dead while he stood outside on the second-floor balcony of the less-than-classy Lorraine Motel. With King's premature death, and for the good of race relations in America, Mary Kate and Ashley are now being asked to make sexual reparations with the less popular and far less attractive Reverend Al Sharpton.

  1963 THE JFK ASSASSINATION

  An appreciation for Hollywood ass

  The Kennedy Presidency

  Young, good-looking, and owner of the kind of power most men only dream of, JFK was our thirty-fifth president and our favorite gigolo. He was a Harvard graduate. He was an adulterer. He had an appreciation for the arts. He had an appreciation for Hollywood ass. He oftentimes invited the brightest and most creative minds to the White House. He oftentimes invited women other than his wife for sex at the White House.

  He was a visionary who hoped to accomplish a number of social reforms. He was a visionary who enjoyed a quality threesome when his schedule allowed for it. During his inaugural speech he issued the famous line, “Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.” Behind closed doors, he issued the famous words, “Let this be our dirty little secret.”

  Although Kennedy enjoyed successes politically with cleaning up the growing problem of organized crime in America, and sexually with his conquests of Marilyn Monroe and Judith Campbell Exner, there were some hiccups during his presidency. Kennedy okayed the Bay of Pigs disaster and had difficulty passing social reform. In spite of his uneven first-term results, he was beginning to look toward securing re-election when he traveled to Texas in November 1963.

  The Dallas Disaster

  Maybe if Kennedy had been less focused on changing Washington's nickname to the “unbuckled beltway,” he would have realized that sitting in the back of a convertible with the top down waving to a crowd of strangers is never a good idea for anyone who has made an enemy or two over the years. It takes only one bad day for a psychotic, socially disturbed malcontent to bring a gun to work.

  As the presidential motorcade made its way through Dallas, cheering crowds lined the streets. When the president's car pulled in front of the Texas School Book Depository, three shots were fired, and chaos erupted. The first shot was wide right, the second nonfatal shot was buried deep in the spleen of the Texas governor, and the third was a fatal headshot to President John Fitzgerald Kennedy. With the president dead, police arrested Lee Harvey Os-wald, the aforementioned psychotic, socially disturbed malcontent.

  Who Is Responsible?

  Many Americans never wanted to believe that Oswald acted on his own. As a result, dozens of theories concerning who was responsible for JFK's murder have been offered up. The Russians did it. The Mafia did it. The vice president was power hungry. Who would shoot the man whose secret service detail gave the code name The Golden Penis?

  Speculation ran on endlessly like a Kenyan. It was three shooters; it was a shooter on the overpass. It was a shooter on the grassy knoll. Nobody knows for sure. But most evidence leads us to believe it was Lee Harvey Oswald. Unfortunately, we never got to hear from Oswald. AS HE WAS BEING TRANSFERRED BETWEEN PRISONS, STRIP-CLUB OWNER JACK RUBY SHOT OSWALD TO DEATH ON LIVE TV, WHICH IS A GOOD LESSON FOR ANYONE THINKING ABOUT ESTABLISHING CREDIT AT A STRIP CLUB. Ruby was later arrested, tried, and sent to prison; he died from cancer in 1967.

  For many Americans, the Kennedy assassination is the crown jewel of unsolved mysteries. To date there have been over 2,000 books written on the Kennedy assassination, and not one of them unequivocally holds the nuts to the question, who shot President Kennedy?

  Obviously, other presidents before and after JFK have indulged in extramarital affairs; however, this is an appropriate place to pause and reflect on the all-time greatest White House mistresses, because no one did it better than John Fitzgerald Kenn
edy. The following rankings are based on the mistresses' looks, stature in the community, and length of sexual service to the president. There is no weight given to their skills between the sheets, as most often the presidents themselves have yet to comment on the individual performances of their mistresses.

  Top Ten All-Time White House Mistresses

  Marilyn Monroe: She's in a league of her own. An object of men's fantasies around the world in her prime. Even JFK's wife gave him props on this.

  Sally Hemings: Sally was Thomas Jefferson's slave with whom he had children. He loved to tell her, “I own you!” because legally, he really did.

  Blaze Starr: JFK scores again. She was a stripper, and frequently referred to her bedroom as the “Oral Office.”

  Mary Gibbons: George Washington got the presidential ball rolling with this spicy little number. It is a little-known fact that when George was talking about cutting down the cherry tree, he was actually referring to taking Mary's virginity.

  Judith Exner Campbell: JFK makes his third appearance on our list. Campbell was known to be a mistress of the Chicago mobster Sam Giancana. Really JFK? We're disappointed. Sloppy seconds? C'mon! You bagged Monroe! Dust yourself off and get back out there.

  Crown Princess Marta: Franklin Delano Roosevelt makes our list. She was the crown princess from Norway. And more importantly, she was hot.

  Nan Britton: Warren Harding shows up in the #7 spot. One of the favorites on the list, Harding was president during the Roaring Twenties and bagged Britton, thirty years his junior. Harding is often described as a “compulsive adulterer.”

  Monica Lewinsky: Our most recent addition to the list is known for seedy encounters with President Clinton. Literally helped redefine the word sex. Now making a living off her sexual exploits.

  Kay Summersby: Dwight Eisenhower's mistress during his time as a general. Some sources report it as an illicit affair, while others maintain it didn't go beyond kissing. Which one is it? We need to know. If it was only kissing, then she's off the list, and she won't have a second crack at it either. Not because we're bastards; she died in 1975.

  Kennedy's secretaries: Now that's how you bounce back from sloppy seconds. A good old-fashioned threesome in the White House pool with employees. Man, this guy pulled in some serious tail. You are a role model for all American men, Mr. Kennedy.

  1964 THE CIVIL RIGHTS ACT

  A call-the-doctor itch for equality

  Equal in War, Equal in Peace

  With the sequel to the Great War over and the Korean conflict fading in the rearview mirror, black American men began to develop a call-the-doctor itch for equality. After Harry S. Truman ordered the integration of the United States military in 1947, black men were given the opportunity to live, work, and die with the more popular and more highly regarded white man.

  Witnessing the ease in which a white man could get a table at a restaurant, tickets to a ball game, and purchase a car, men with African heritage took an interest in the benefits of the white man's lifestyle. Using the momentum developed by the Supreme Court ruling of 1954 calling for desegregation of U.S. public schools, black people across the United States took up the tussle for minority equality.

  Politely Asking for Equality

  Instead of using the threat of death that gun-in-hand armed Robin Hoods use today to influence convenience store workers to politely and quickly put the day's revenue in a brown bag and graciously give it to them, African Americans in the earlier sixties began a much quieter movement centered on peaceful marches. Tens of thousands and at times hundreds of thousands of black people would congregate in political epicenters to kindly ask for the same opportunities that the American majority were experiencing.

  Leading the way was a charismatic brutha named Martin Luther King. King met great resistance for his cause from the Confederate flag — worshipping southern males. It was obvious that King and his movement had a chance to become more than just a nuisance, threatening a real possibility of long lines at newly ordained mixed-race water fountains all around the country. FEARING THIS OUTCOME, DEER-HUNTING, TOBACCO-CHEWING, BUSCH LIGHT — DRINKING REDNECKS PUT FORTH THE THEOLOGICAL PROPOSITION THAT GOD NEVER INTENDED TO CREATE ALL MEN EQUALLY.

  Progress Has Its Price

  Unfortunately for the white southerners, the attempt to equalize the races had the support of gigolo John, the thirty-fifth president of the United States. Many people hypothesized that JFK truly cared about the equality of African Americans. Others felt that he had yet to score with a woman of color and was simply using his presidential influence to equalize the rights of minorities in order to win the favor of black women. Although anxious to see the passage of a Civil Rights Act to boost his luck with black women, JFK never realized his dream, as former New Orleans resident and self-proclaimed Marxist Lee Harvey Oswald shot him dead in Dallas, Texas.

  With the president dead, former vice president turned president Lyndon B. Johnson capitalized on the sympathies of legislators in the House and Senate to push through the Civil Rights Act of 1964 as a final tribute to JFK's wishes of equalizing the rights of minority Americans. Subsequently, tables at restaurants and tickets to ball games became increasingly more difficult to get with the added competition of hungry African American sports fans across the country.

  1925–1965 MALCOLM X

  One bad-ass non-Caucasian

  Who Was Malcolm X?

  Malcolm was one bad-ass non-Caucasian. Born in Omaha, Nebraska, on May 19, 1925, Malcolm was Earl and Louise Little's bundle of joy. Malcolm's father was a Baptist minister who had developed a nonsexual crush on Black Nationalist leader Marcus Garvey. The man who caught Earl's platonic eye headed up the Universal Negro Improvement Association, a national organization focused on parlaying blacks' favored wartime draft status into an improved draft status for African Americans in the National Basketball Association, along with civil rights for those not talented enough to play basketball at the highest level.

  Fueling Earl's passion for equality was his mistrust of the white man. At the time of Malcolm's birth, three of Earl's brothers had already met an untimely death, including a Southern-style lynching at the suspected hands of the American majority. On a personal level, Earl also experienced a number of death threats that caused Louise and him to relocate the Little family several times.

  While Malcolm was still a young child, his father met his own untimely death when he was hit by a streetcar named Ivory. Fortunately for the black community, the police reported that when they arrived at the scene Earl was conscious enough to tell them he had clumsily slipped and fell underneath the streetcar's wheel all on his own. He told the police to make sure everyone knew that no white man was involved in his death and that he apologized for any inconvenience his self-inflicted, yet accidental death would cause. Even with Earl's attempt to head off any issues, many people in the black community suspected that a white supremacist group called Black Legion was responsible for his death.

  Studious X

  With Malcolm's father suffering the same fate as three of his brothers and his mother earning residency at a mental hospital, Malcolm spent the next several years being passed around like a joint at a high school party as he went from foster home to foster home. Despite his difficult upbringing, he excelled academically and finished at the top of his class in junior high. Benefiting from a chance career counseling session with one of his favorite teachers, he was famously told by his “white is better” educator that his goal of becoming a lawyer was “no realistic goal for a nigger.”

  Malcolm quickly embraced the wise advice he received and lost interest in school. With the inconvenience of school out of his life, Malcolm began an apprenticeship in narcotics, gambling, and prostitution. Unfortunately for Malcolm, before he could complete his studies he was convicted of burglary charges in Boston and sentenced to ten years in prison.

  While incarcerated, Malcolm read like a man with nothing to do. During his imprisonment, his brother Reginald would visit and di
scuss his conversion to the Muslim religion. Malcolm quickly became drawn to the teachings of the Nation of Islam leader Elijah Muhammad. Elijah M. had very little love for those who were not black and advocated that black people should have their own nation uninhabited by white people and polar bears. Paroled in 1952, Malcolm dropped his surname, Little, in favor of X in an effort to represent his lost tribal name as well as to intimidate white people. With an intimidating name and black power on his mind Malcolm prepared to fight the civil rights fight.

  X Marks the Spot for Controversy

  Malcolm's charisma and message drew frustrated African Americans to him as his reputation grew across the country as a radical civil rights leader. His outspoken nature and strong words led to government surveillance. On April 3, 1964, Malcolm gave his most famous speech, “The Ballot or the Bullet” in a church in Cleveland, Ohio. The speech centered on Malcolm X imploring African Americans to exercise their right to vote and to realize that those whom they had voted for in the past had not taken care of them.