The Slackers Guide to U.S. History

by John Pfeiffer

  Execution

  After months of planning and bomb building, Timothy rented a Ryder Truck in Junction City, Kansas, under the fictitious name of Robert D. Kling, smartly opting for the damage-waiver option on the vehicle. Over the next few days, McVeigh and Nichols loaded the truck up with 7,000 pounds of deadly explosives. As a frame of reference for what 7,000 pounds of explosives looks like, it is the equivalent of thirty-five Oprah Winfrey's, circa 2008.

  On April 19, 1995, with Timothy in the driver's seat and Nichols electing not to ride shotgun, the American-born terrorist parked the explosive-filled truck in the underground parking lot of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. At 9:02 a.m., as Timothy calmly made his way to the getaway car parked a few blocks away, the rental truck exploded. The blast was so significant that the front of the building was completely blown away and the explosion itself was felt over fifty-five miles away. The damage was catastrophic and at the end of the day, 168 people were dead and more than 800 were injured.

  Less than two hours after the deadly attack, Timothy was picked up by an Oklahoma state trooper. HIS ALLEGED OFFENSE WAS DRIVING THE GETAWAY CAR WITHOUT A TAG AND FOR HAVING A CONCEALED WEAPON ON HIM, PLAXICO BURRESS — STYLE. As the FBI was piecing together McVeigh's guilt, a couple of days later Nichols turned himself in and agreed to turn on Timothy as quickly as he was asked.

  With a mountain of evidence against him and his wingman chirping, Timothy was sentenced to death by lethal injection. The deadly needle was inserted on April 19, 1995. For his trouble, Nichols received 168 consecutive life sentences, making him eligible for parole sometime long after his death.

  2000 2000 PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION

  George W. was their guy, even if he was one whiskey sour from falling off the wagon

  The Prize

  Sure, being president of the United States is a cool job. But coming off the shenanigans of a Clinton administration, it rivaled the casting director's job at Vivid Videos. Impeachment aside, the Clinton years showed us that even when your wife is pissed about you dropping bombs on small but overpopulated African countries, you can still find young, overweight interns willing to offer up late-night oral.

  For George W. Bush and Al Gore, the opportunity to intimidate nearly defenseless foreign countries that had yet to embrace democracy was overwhelming. They garnered the support of their wealthy friends and made promises they never intended to keep for the opportunity to see how far their sexual mojo would take them with their own staff of willing young interns.

  The Controversy

  Everything leading up to Election Day, November 7, 2000, pointed to an extremely close result and record voter turnout. Not because Americans were excited about the candidates, but because for the first time in election history voters received goody bags filled with candy, condoms, and scratch-off tickets. As polls closed on the East Coast, and results began to filter in, it became apparent that Florida's twenty-five Electoral College votes would determine the election. AT STAKE WAS THE RIGHT TO INVITE FRIENDS AND CAMPAIGN CONTRIBUTORS TO SLEEP IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM, AS WELL AS THE POWER TO GIVE OUT MEANINGLESS, WELL-PAYING GOVERNMENT JOBS TO UNQUALIFIED COLLEGE FRIENDS OVER THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.

  At 7:48 P.m., NBC declared friend of Mother Earth, Al Gore, the winner in Florida. Two minutes later, CBS and CNN followed suit, and by 8:02, all five major networks declared Gore the winner. But like Paris Hilton's publicist, Gore couldn't catch a break.

  He had to deal with the fact that the governor of Florida was Bush's younger brother, and Florida's secretary of state, Katherine Harris (who appeared to have an epic crush on the Bush brothers), was responsible for certifying Florida's election results. Hours later, in an ironic twist, big brother George W. was announced the winner of Florida and bottles of nonalcoholic champagne began popping as the Texas governor and recovering alcoholic was announced the president-elect.

  UNFORTUNATELY FOR BUSH, HIS ANNOUNCED MARGIN OF VICTORY WAS KATE MOSS THIN, AND AN AUTOMATIC RECOUNT WAS ORDERED. As a result, a time-out was called and the verdict as to the winner of the 2000 presidential election was delayed for thirty days.

  Thirty Days of Nonsense

  Even though Gore had clearly won the national popular vote, it is the Electoral College that actually determines the presidency. Unlike regular college, where truckloads of alcohol contribute to questionable decision making, including, but not limited to, participation in post-party threesomes, the Electoral College is not really a college at all. No campus, no classes, no degrees to be earned. Instead, it is an organization responsible for making sure the poor and poorly informed do not get in the way of the perceived right of those with more money to elect the president.

  The Electoral College vote was so close that the Democratic Party requested that Katherine Harris delay certifying the election results until a manual hand recount could be completed.

  Unfortunately for the Democrats, Harris was one of eight cochairs for the Republican Party's Florida election, and granting the request would make it nearly impossible for her to marry into the Bush family at a later date. She quickly dismissed their request and planned to certify Bush the winner and hand him the magical twenty-five remaining electoral votes. With no cooperation from Harris, Democrats quickly looked to the Florida Supreme Court for relief. And relief is what they got.

  The Florida Supreme Court ruled that watching election officials debate the differences between hanging chads and pregnant chads in determining voter intent made for hilarious television viewing and that the election should not be certified until manual recounts were completed. However, realizing this decision would likely reverse Bush's lead and crown Gore the winner, Republicans filed suit with the United States Supreme Court, arguing that network television already provided hilarious programming, and that the comedy surrounding the manual recount was redundant and should be stopped.

  King George, Says the Supreme Court

  After more than 100 million Americans inconvenienced themselves to vote, the only votes that counted were those of the six white guys, two white woman, and the black man sitting on the United States Supreme Court. Not exactly a cross section of our diverse nation.

  Resting comfortably on their lifetime appointments, the nine Supreme Court justices brought partisan politics to the forefront and voted 5–4 down party lines to stop the manual recount in Florida. Once again, bottles of nonalcoholic champagne began popping as the Supreme Court effectively handed George W. the presidency.

  The Election Party Is Over

  To Republicans, it did not matter that every vote in Florida was not counted. It only mattered that more Republican votes were counted. They did not care if Daddy Bush pulled some strings or whether Brother Bush promised Harris any late-night favors. George W. was their guy, even if he was one whiskey sour from falling off the wagon.

  Democrats, on the other hand, were left with mixed emotions. Although furious over the manner in which they lost the White House, they were ecstatic about the job they did in winning the popular vote with one of the least likeable candidates in history. They ran a cardboard cutout against the son of a former president and actually got more votes.

  As for the rest of us, we just rolled with it. George W. gave us lower taxes and higher carbon monoxide levels. Al probably would have given us higher taxes and more green space. At the end of the day, we moved on. FOR MOST AMERICANS, IT DOESN'T REALLY MATTER WHO IS TAPPING THE ASS OF THE INTERNS IN THE OVAL OFFICE, JUST AS LONG AS SOMEONE IS.

  George W. Bush

  1600 Pennsylvania Ave.

  Washington, DC 20500

  1 (202) whiskey

  offthebottle@dadscoattails.com

  Objective

  Seeking a position that allows me to run up enormous amounts of debt, take frequent vacations, and have no accountability for any of my decisions.

  Employment History

  President, United States of America, 2001–2009

  Talking marionette for Dick Cheney. Came to
the aid of Cheney when it was determined he was too crusty and not likeable enough to be elected president himself. Not required to have a thought of my own as Dick made all the decisions.

  On behalf of Dick, helped the richest 2 percent of Americans.

  On behalf of Dick, created cool deck of cards full of Iraqi enemies.

  Took longest presidential “vacation” ever when Dick laid me off.

  First recovering alcoholic to be elected president. (I was a drunk long before I knew Dick.)

  Governor, Texas, 1994–2000

  With the help of an army of influential people, was handed the keys to the Texas governor's office.

  Brought about legislative change allowing oil companies to pollute the environment more freely.

  Borrowed billions of dollars so that the debt could be passed down to generations of Texans.

  The great executioner. Set all time record for executions for a single governor.

  Part Owner and Managing Partner,

  Texas Rangers Major League Baseball, 1989–1994

  Traded Sammy Sosa for some crap after realizing there was no room in the middle of the Ranger lineup for a guy to hit 600-plus homeruns.

  Appeared on Jumbotron 1989.

  Did what I was told 1990.

  Left important decisions to others.

  Chief Executive Officer,

  Business disaster after business disaster, 1979–1989

  Let's just say I headed up a couple of companies that were not as successful as I would have liked. I ran up billions, yes with a B, in debt and was bailed out by family and friends.

  Town Drunk, 1967–1972

  I used to party harder than the Kennedys.

  Reference:

  Kenneth Lay, Former Enron Executive

  Albert Arnold Gore Jr.

  4743 Environmental Lane

  Mother Earth, Mother Earth 32946

  (463) Go-Green

  iheartcockroaches@motherearth.com

  Objectives

  As a political cyborg with a passion for the environment, I plan on stopping deforestation and providing clean air and water to all of earth's inhabitants, including the cute and lovable chipmunks. With a human form and a computerized brain, my success is inevitable.

  Employment History

  President, Victims of a Partisan U.S. Supreme Court

  While Seeking Public Office, 2001-Present

  Following loss to George W. Bush in the 2000 election, I started this not-for-profit company in an attempt to combat the political influence of the right wing in the United States Supreme Court and provide support for any and all left-wing extremists who encounter unfavorable decisions from the high court while seeking public office in the future.

  After five years and no clients I feel I have a lot of time on my hands.

  Grew a beard to increase “hippiecred.”

  As president of the company, I require staff to call me Mr. President, and it feels real good.

  Vice President, United States, 1993–2001

  I was the man behind the man for eight years. I proved to the country that I can keep a secret. Enjoyed Clinton's impeachment hearing, and was indifferent with the result.

  Played “Yang” to Clinton's “Yin.”

  Invented the Internet (damn, I'm good).

  Hung the moon and the sun.

  Senator, United States, 1984–1993

  Uneventful and boring, just the way I like it. Continued to cheat on Tipper with Mother Earth. Goodness I love her, so green, leafy, and full of water with a salty aftertaste.

  Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle his beer cans.(1985)

  Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle his liquor bottles.(1989)

  Proposed legislation requiring Ted Kennedy to recycle bottles and cans from his mixers. (1992)

  Congressman, United States House of Representatives, 1976–1982

  Feel free to omit above position when considering my resume, as I accomplished very little in those six years.

  Reference:

  Mother Earth. Of course.

  2001 9/11 TERRORIST ATTACKS

  Public enemy number one

  An Evil Plot

  Armed with box cutters and a deep-rooted hatred for America, fifteen men from Saudi Arabia, two from the United Arab Emirates, one from Egypt, and one from Lebanon bordered four civil airliners on the morning of September 11, 2001, with the intention of meeting Mohammad and the seventy-two virgins promised to each of them for their cowardly homicidal actions that were to follow.

  The nineteen terrorists were the chosen foot soldiers, following years of planning to strike at the heart of the American community. The masterminds of the attacks were safely tucked away in less-than-luxurious caves in the mountain region of Afghanistan, watching the horrific events unfold on satellite television. Unable to acquire the weapons necessary to cause enormous destruction in the United States, the Al Qaida think tank opted for commercial aircrafts full of aviation fuel to act as the missiles they desperately desired. With their irrational dislike for the United States as their motivation, the Islamist terrorists hijacked four cross-country flights, taking over their cockpits and turning the aircrafts into weapons of war.

  American Airlines Flight 11

  American Airlines flight 11 left Boston, Massachusetts, en route to Los Angeles, California, carrying eighty-one passengers and eleven crew members. Fifteen minutes into the flight, five of those passengers ignored the “stay seated with your seat belt securely fastened signs” and instead went from fare paying passengers to hijackers as they took over the plane.

  Mohamed Atta, one of the hijackers, put the flight-training skills he had recently acquired from a Venice, Florida, aviation school to work as he turned the plane away from its scheduled flight plan and instead headed toward New York City, the financial capital of the United States. Traveling at approximately 466 miles per hour, at 8:46 a.m., Atta navigated the plane into his desired destination, the north tower of the World Trade Center. Flight 11 made impact between floors ninety-three and ninety-nine, killing all on board instantly. Immediately, media speculation was that pilot error must be to blame for the tragedy.

  United Flight 175

  That same morning, United flight 175 left Logan International airport with a planned arrival for LAX in Los Angeles, California. Carrying fifty-six passengers and nine crew members, the plane was fortunately far from being filled to capacity. Playing the role of Mohamed Atta on this flight was United Arab Emirates non-Christian Marwan al-Shehhi, one of Atta's flight school companions and a member of his T-Mobile “myFaves.” At 8:52 a.m., a “the sky's the limit when you put your mind to it” male flight attendant contacted United Airlines' San Francisco office to report the hijacking.

  Eleven minutes later, at approximately 9:03 a.m., flight 175, traveling at a speed of 545 miles per hour, struck the neighboring south tower of the World Trade Center, instantly killing all on board along with hundreds of “must get to work on time” Trade Center employees. Immediately, speculation of pilot error for flight 11 ceased as the media began to report that the United States was under attack.

  American Flight 77

  American Airlines flight 77 left Washington Dulles airport on a direct, nonstop flight to sunny Los Angeles, California, with five American-hating terrorists on board. Thirty minutes into the flight, with a belief that they were doing Allah's work, the five terrorists took control of the aircraft.

  Receiving his flight training in the comfort of the Middle East — like heat of Scottsdale, Arizona, Atta and al-Shehhi's counterpart Hani Hanjour took over the piloting of the plane. Ignoring the star power of Los Angeles and its famous residents, Hanjour abandoned the Washington to Los Angeles American Airlines itinerary in favor of his own Washington to Pentagon itinerary. Before he had a chance to change his mind about taking a Hollywood stars bus tour, at approximately 9:37 a.m., he slammed the plane into the western portion of the Pentagon at a speed of 540 miles per h
our, killing all sixty-four passengers, crew, and terrorists along with another 125 employees and visitors inside the Pentagon.

  United Flight 93

  United Airlines flight 93 left Newark, New Jersey, on a scheduled flight to the rainbow-flag-appreciating city of San Francisco, California. Onboard were thirty-seven passengers and seven crew members. Approximately forty minutes into the flight, the terrorists mobilized and secured control of the plane.

  Once in control, Lebanese-born Ziad Jarrah entered the cockpit, taking on the duties of pilot despite not being on the United Airlines payroll. The hijackers herded the passengers to the back of the plane, where several of them began to make calls to family and friends to inform them of their situation. During these conversations, the passengers of flight 93 learned the sobering news that other planes had been hijacked earlier in the morning and used as missiles.

  Realizing that the terrorists were on a suicide mission, the passengers revolted and attempted to take back control of the plane. As the confrontation became more intense, the hijackers abandoned their plans to crash the plane into the speculated target of either the White House or United States Capitol building and instead brought the plane down in a rural area of Stonycreek Township in Somerset County, Pennsylvania. With the impact measured at 563 miles per hour, all on board died instantly.

  Meet Osama Bin Laden

  With the country under attack with passenger airliners as the weapon of choice, all flights throughout the United States were grounded and those currently in the air were ordered to land immediately at the nearest airport so government officials could get a handle on the developing situation. Speculation of who was behind these acts of terrorism immediately turned to Osama Bin Laden. The Saudi Arabian national quickly became public enemy number one.