HowtoTellaLie

by Delphine Dryden

  “What. The. Hell.”

  “Well, it would certainly endear you to him. Although it sounds like you’ve already done a pretty good job of that. Why all the panic?”

  Allison growled, tugging at her hair with her fingers in exasperation.

  “I can’t think straight when I’m around him. Even just on the phone or even in chat, I end up doing and saying things that are just so dumb, it just gets me in deeper. I can’t do this right now, Tess. I’m not in a good place for this. This can’t happen now.”

  Tess put her sandwich down and folded her arms, pursing her lips speculatively.

  “Why not?”

  “What do you mean why not? Have you forgotten James? Where have you been?”

  “No, I haven’t forgotten James, Allison, because you never let any of us forget about James. But that was over, what, four months ago? You didn’t even live with him for a full two years, did you? You’re twenty-nine and you’re single. You’re secure in your career, so that’s no excuse. When are you ever going to be in a better place for this? If not now, when?”

  Allison stared at her cousin, unable to think of a good answer. She thought of Lindy’s comments again and thought of James in Indianapolis, in exactly the sort of job he’d always wanted. Probably seeing somebody. Engaged, for all she knew. Had it really been four months already? How long did it usually take a person to recover from something like that?

  “We all recover from things in our own time,” she said.

  “Recover from what, Allison? From realizing that you made a good choice to leave somebody who didn’t care about you as much as you deserved? Wise up, girl. You know, I think maybe Lindy was right. James really was your excuse to keep from getting too involved. Some part of you knew you were never going to stay with him. But you really, really like this guy. So where’s your excuse with him?”

  “It wasn’t just an excuse. And you don’t know Seth, you haven’t even met him. So how could you know if he’s right for me or not?”

  “Because I know you,” Tess replied. “And if you didn’t think that counted for something, we wouldn’t be having this lunch and you wouldn’t be paying for my sandwich.”

  “Oh, I’m paying for your sandwich now?”

  “Yes. Yes, you are. I have to listen to this for thirty minutes, you pay for the sandwich.”

  “Fine. Next time I’m calling Lindy though. She pays for her own lunch.”

  Tess smiled and shrugged.

  “You get the advice you pay for, Ally.”

  “So for a sandwich, I get you telling me to go to Seth’s office and give him a blowjob?”

  “I think that advice is worth at least the club sandwich. For anything else I would have also required home fries.”

  “But I’m not taking that advice.”

  “Your loss.” Tess took another big bite of her sandwich, leaving Allison to smolder in silence on her side of the booth, trying to figure out how she was going to get out of going to Seth’s house that evening. It felt like too significant a step, reciprocating his visit so soon with no break, like they were spending all their free time together now. He would cook dinner for her. She would have no good reason not to stay the night if he asked, and somehow she knew he would not only ask but assume she would stay. But she wasn’t ready to be installed as somebody’s girlfriend, a fixture in somebody else’s life. She was still too unsure what kind of life she wanted for herself.

  What bothered her so much about splitting up with James hadn’t been the loss of James. It had been the knowledge of how close a call she’d had. How she had nearly given up the life she’d been living in order to live the life she thought she ought to have. A life like her parents had lived, a life of order and contentment and security.

  Everybody believed her stated reason for the breakup. James had no problem letting Allison foot the bill for rent and other staples during most of their relationship, but he had assumed once he had his MBA and they were married, Allison would quit her job and move to Indianapolis with him. He couldn’t understand her reluctance to leave her position at the university, and ultimately Allison couldn’t stay with somebody who was so unwilling to compromise.

  All of that was true, actually, but none of it was why Allison had called things off. Not the only reason, at least. She had never asked James for rent, even after he gave up his own apartment, because she knew he was short on money and locked into student loans. She had also known what James’ expectations were, that he wanted a wife who spent her energy on the home and family. They had discussed it, and though she hadn’t fallen into line enthusiastically, she hadn’t exactly objected. Not in so many words. In some ways she was attracted to the idea of making a house into a home for a growing family, just as her own mother had.

  But she had realized one night as she lay awake next to James, staring at nothing and letting her mind wander, that she did not and never would feel at home with him. Even the apartment they had shared for almost two years was still not home. Home was where her father lived, alone with her mother’s memory. And Allison would go out of her mind trying to turn herself from a psychology professor into a full-time homemaker.

  It finally dawned on Allison that she had been settling. James seemed like a perfect catch, but she was still settling if she didn’t feel at home in their home. She was still settling if they were unable to make a plan for their future together that took both their visions into consideration.

  James would be better off, she knew. He would find somebody who really did want to become a stay-at-home mother to his high-achieving future kids, and give gourmet dinner parties for his business associates. Allison had an occasional twinge of guilt that she’d not ended things sooner, but she really hadn’t known herself that she didn’t want that life, not until the time came to actually start living it. That was when she found she couldn’t. At least not with James.

  Seth owned his house, he was clearly settled here, he was on track for a full professorship. He talked as though he imagined a future in which they were together. Both still working, presumably, but together. Getting serious with him could only lead to one thing, Allison thought.

  And if she had judged so poorly with James, how could she be sure she could make a home with Seth?

  * * * * *

  She spent all afternoon dithering, going back and forth, trying to think of all the reasons for and against going. And then she realized it was after six o’clock and she had to fish or cut bait.

  Allison picked up the phone and called Seth, who answered on the second ring.

  “Hi! Hey, will you be here by seven? I’m trying to figure out the best time to start letting the wine breathe. I know, that sounds so pretentious. But it really does make it taste better.”

  She winced in anticipation of his reaction to her next words.

  “I…I can’t come. I’m sorry.” She rushed to explain, hating that she was lying to Seth who felt so strongly about lies. Hoping he wouldn’t hear the falsehood in her voice. “I just realized I hadn’t finished preparing part of the presentation I need for my class tomorrow. It’s a new segment and I wanted to pull in a video clip from something that came out recently, but I don’t have any notes ready. I really need to sit and watch it and figure out the best way to present it.”

  It sounded lame even to her own ears, and she could only imagine what Seth was thinking.

  “Well. I could bring you something to eat over there, if you’d like? Room service?” He still sounded light, unconcerned, but she thought it was just a good act.

  “No. That’s nice of you, but I think I would just get distracted.” She realized after she said it just how often she was using that term to describe what Seth did to her. Just what she was being distracted from, she wasn’t always sure. But he certainly did have a way of stealing her attention. “I don’t work that well with other people around.”

  “No wonder you do so much of your work online then,” he noted. She heard a metallic sound, like an oven door
closing or a pot landing on a burner. “No pesky humans around to get in the way of your thinking process.”

  It was the first time she had heard him be sarcastic, and it stung. She felt tears beading in her eyes.

  “I’m so sorry.” It was true in many more ways than one. “I have to go. I’ll call you or email you tomorrow, all right?”

  “Sure.” The sarcasm was gone and now he just sounded sad. “You know where to find me, Allison.”

  “Okay. Good night.”

  “Good night, princess.”

  They hung up in unison, and Allison put the phone down and just stared at it for a long time. She ran her fingers over the receiver, wondering if it was too late to change her mind and call Seth back. But now she was too embarrassed to do so, because she would have to either admit to her lie or add to it, and neither seemed very pleasant. No, she had backed herself into this corner and now she must sit in it. Alone.

  * * * * *

  Allison had hoped the next day would bring some clarity to her thoughts. But she woke feeling miserable, and she had to force herself out of bed and into the kitchen. A cup of tea might help a little.

  She picked up the telephone intending to call Lindy and make dinner plans, but her sleepy fingers automatically dialed her old home number instead. She didn’t realize the error until it was too late. Her father picked up, sounding a little gravelly.

  “Punkin? Is everything all right?” he asked, instantly concerned at the unexpected call.

  “Yeah, I’m fine. I’m sorry, Dad, I dialed you accidentally. Did I wake you?”

  “Naw.” He cleared his throat.

  “Liar.”

  “I was making coffee.”

  She could picture him in the kitchen, puttering around in a sweatshirt and flannel pants. The background noises of running water and a metallic clattering confirmed this vision. Sounds she had heard every morning growing up. The wan light filtering in through the window, the smells of coffee and bacon. If she thought hard enough, she could almost feel the smooth wood of the kitchen chair beneath her thighs.

  “You sure everything’s all right, Ally?”

  She thought about that for a moment, considering, still seeing the kitchen at home. Her parents’ home. She wasn’t quite sure why she blurted out what she said next. “I still always see her there. In the kitchen. Mom.”

  “I knew who you meant.” He chuckled softly, and Allison could hear the familiar sound of a chair scraping across the linoleum floor. “I see her here too. Talk to her sometimes, if you want to know the truth.”

  “How can you stand it?” She wiped a tear away with the side of her hand.

  “Guess it’s what you’d call dysfunctional. I couldn’t stand it at first. But one day, this must have been about two years or so after the accident, I was standing there with my hand on the knob and just dreading opening that door, and all of a sudden I realized I missed her too much not to go in. Because that’s where she still was. I’d been going to her grave, you know, before then. But she was never there. I talked to her but it just didn’t feel right. That day I came in, put the mail on the table, and sat down and talked my heart out. Cried like a baby. Afterward I felt better.”

  “You cried?” She couldn’t recall ever seeing her father cry. He must have at the funeral, she supposed, but she didn’t remember it.

  “I did indeed. Real men do, you know. From time to time.”

  Allison smiled. “I’ll take your word for it, Daddy.”

  “Daddy? I haven’t heard that in awhile. You aren’t about to hit me up for money, are you?”

  “Nope. I’m good.” Allison sipped at her tea, making a face at the bitter taste. She had forgotten to add the sugar.

  “Okay then. Everything else all right? Anything you want to tell me?”

  Her eyes narrowed as she reached for the canister and spooned sugar into her tea. “Why? Have you been talking to Tess?”

  “No, should I? I just think you sound like something’s on your mind.”

  “I guess I do have a lot of stuff on my mind right now.”

  “Anything I can help with?”

  She sighed, wishing it were that easy. “I don’t think so. It’s sort of…girl stuff.”

  “Ah. Too complicated for me, then.”

  They talked for a few minutes more about nothing in particular, and Allison felt somewhat cheered when she ended the call with her father.

  As she had planned, she called Lindy next to see if she wanted to meet for dinner. At least Lindy would probably pay for her own food. But dinner, when it came, turned out to be eerily like her recent lunch with Tess. The main difference was the setting. Lindy had come over to Allison’s place, ostensibly to watch a video they had both been planning to see. Allison, in turn, had provided the meal, stopping for burgers on the way home. Lindy had her own key, so she was waiting when Allison got home.

  Allison had expected a gentler ear, a more conservative viewpoint on her situation. Instead, before they were very far into the conversation, it became clear that Lindy was as fed up with her as Tess had seemed to be.

  “Allison, what’s your problem?”

  It wasn’t a Lindy sort of question.

  “You’re channeling Tess right now, do you realize that?”

  “No, that would be if I said ‘what the fuck is your problem’.” She went on, ignoring Allison’s gaping astonishment. “You love everything about this guy. He’s funny, he’s smart, he’s nice. I assume he’s cute. You haven’t said it to me, but you’ve told Tess he’s doing stuff for you in bed that you never thought actually happened outside chick flicks and cheesy romance novels.”

  “Tess told you about that?”

  “Yes. She likes to think she’s shocking me, because she assumes I don’t know anything. But just because I don’t…don’t share all my personal details doesn’t mean I don’t have any personal details.”

  “Lind, I’m sorry.”

  “No. You don’t have to apologize. And neither does Tess. She’s just being Tess. She doesn’t shock me, but she thinks she does. And if she’s satisfying some sort of need by doing that, maybe it’s helping her in some way and it doesn’t really hurt me. It says things about her, not about me.”

  “I never realized you were this healthy.”

  “I wasn’t. This is recent. And sometime we’ll talk about that. But right now we’re talking about you and Seth, with the incredible sex and the meaningful all-night chats, not to mention your matching copies of The Hobbit.”

  “How did—”

  “Never mind how. But he has it, right?”

  “Yes. At least he says he does.”

  “And a lot of other duplicates, I bet.” Lindy was actually starting to look and sound a trifle impatient. “You know, you’re just… I’m sorry, but you’re just being stupid. You’re in love with this guy and if you keep trying to hold him at a distance, you’re going to lose him. In the real world, Ally. Not just on the computer.”

  “You’ve never even met him. You’ve never seen us together. What makes you an expert all of a sudden?” It was the same question she had asked Tess. She wasn’t sure whether she wanted the same answer or something new.

  Lindy smiled her new, wry smile again. “You sure you’re the Ph.D psychologist? And I have to spell this out to you?”

  “Yeah, I guess so. Please enlighten me.”

  Allison knew her anger was misplaced. If she was angry with Lindy it was only because her cousin was forcing her to face some uncomfortable truths about herself. But she couldn’t seem to stop herself from lashing out.

  “It isn’t all of a sudden. Think about all these years, growing up down the street from each other, spending nearly every weekend together. You and Tess always talking and me always listening. I never could put myself out there like the two of you did. I was never quite the third Musketeer. But I was still paying attention. I still do. I’ve heard what you’ve said, what you haven’t said. I think I probably know more about what you wa
nt from life than you do yourself, at this point.”

  “And so you waited this long to share all your wisdom because…?”

  “Because I didn’t have the nerve before. And because you were never being this stupid before.”

  “James? You don’t consider all that mess stupid?”

  “Yes. But I knew you would never stay with James. Your body language and your words never matched when you were with him. Isn’t that one of your things? One of those lying things?”

  “Yeah. But how did that tell you I would leave him?”

  Lindy thought for a moment and chuckled before she spoke. “Your mouth said yes-yes, but everything else was saying no-no. Sorry, I couldn’t resist. But it wasn’t just me. We all knew you’d get fed up with him eventually. He was a jerk.”

  Allison just shrugged, unable to find any grounds for disagreement.

  “But now,” Lindy continued, “your mouth is saying no-no, but every other part of you is, like, screaming at you to get a damn clue.”

  “I see.”

  And in some strange way she did see. She just didn’t know that she was ready to accept the truth Lindy had forced into the open, much less act on that truth. “Lind, can I ask you something?”

  “Are you trying to change the subject?”

  “Not exactly. When you picture home, what do you see?”

  Lindy scowled. “Okay, total subject change. I see my studio. Why?”

  “Not your apartment? Or your house in Cranston?”

  She thought about it for a few seconds then shrugged. “I guess Cranston, sort of. I mean, that was my home when I was growing up. But now it’s my studio that feels like home. Why?”

  “I just wondered.”

  “You still see your dad’s house as home?” Lindy asked. “What about when you were living with James?”

  Allison shook her head. “That was never home. Even before James moved in.”

  “It isn’t about a place.”

  “I know that.”

  “It isn’t about another person, either. It’s about you.” Lindy sighed, clearly fed up with the digression. “Are you going to go to him?”