One of the Guys

by Jessica Strassner

  He kissed her back and pulled away, smiling at her. “We’ll talk during the week,” he said, kissing her again.

  Kate led him through the house and to the front door. “Good night,” she said.

  “Thanks for inviting me. Tell Lucy I said good night and thank you.” He bent and kissed her again.

  “You got it,” Kate said. She watched him walk down the path, and then she closed the door. She stood there for a moment, doing a crazy little dance on the spot.

  “What the hell are you doing?” Lucy asked. She’d come out into the living room with her pajamas on and her toothbrush in her mouth.

  “My happy dance,” Kate replied, brushing the hair out of her face.

  “Happy dance for what?” Lucy asked.

  “Because Chris is going to my parents’ house with me next weekend!”

  *

  “Okay, so turn right onto the next road. Then go down to the first dirt road and go left.”

  “You know you’re in the middle of nowhere when the directions include the phrase ‘go down to the dirt road,’” Chris teased. He reached over and rested his hand on Kate’s knee.

  His car bumped down the dirt road and Kate directed him around the familiar ruts in the road. “It’s the second gate on the left,” she said. When Chris came to a stop in front of the gate, Kate hopped out and opened it. She motioned for Chris to head down the long driveway towards her parents’ house. Kate locked the gate behind her and started up the driveway. She looked around. Her parents had done lots of landscaping since the last time she’d come to visit. There were large gardenia bushes surrounding the front porch and it looked like new red mulch had been put down in all of the flower beds. Their little house was cute, and Kate didn’t mind coming here every once in awhile to get away, but she wasn’t sure how her parents could stand it. Nothing around for miles. No neighbors nearby. It was so quiet.

  Chris was out of the car and shouldering his backpack. He had Kate’s duffel bag in his hand. “Put those on the porch and I’ll show you their property,” Kate said. Chris dropped their bags on the steps and joined Kate. “Let’s go around back,” she said, taking his hand. They walked around to the back of the house and Kate immediately spotted her parents’ three pigs rooting through the trees. “Here they come,” she said.

  Kate and Chris walked across the yard to the fence and stood looking down at the three enormous dirty pigs trundling their way through the bushes. “Wow. They’re huge!” Chris exclaimed.

  “Watch out for Dinner. He’s the big one. I’ve heard that he can bite.” Kate reached through the fence and stuck out her hand. One of the smaller pigs shoved her snout into Kate’s outstretched hand and snuffled around. “Sorry, I don’t have anything for you yet,” Kate said.

  “Did you call that pig ‘Dinner’?” Chris asked suddenly.

  Kate rolled her eyes. “That’s my dad for you. Named all three of them Breakfast, Lunch, and Dinner. It was either that or Pork Chop, Ham, and Bacon.”

  Chris laughed. “So, what do they eat?”

  “Everything,” Kate shrugged. “Seriously. I don’t think my mom uses the garbage disposal anymore. The pigs eat a lot of leftovers. Let’s go take a look at the chickens.”

  They headed towards the corner of the yard where the garden was situated. The garden looked like it was full of everything from tall stalks of corn to thick watermelon vines. Kate let out a whistle. She’d have to remember to tell her mom how good the garden looked.

  Kate’s dad’s tool shed was right outside the gate, as well as the chicken coop. “Is this your parents’ property, too?” he asked, watching two chickens strut past.

  “Oh, yeah,” Kate said. “They have ten acres. Which is, well… Way out into the woods that way,” she pointed, “and way out into the woods that way towards the road we came in on. They’re working on fencing all of the property in, but it costs so much…”

  “I’m sure it does,” Chris said, looking around at the property.

  “So, anyway… These are the chickens. Apparently they run around during the day but all end up back into the coop in late afternoon or early evening and I just have to shut the door so nothing gets in and gets them.”

  “Do they lay eggs?”

  “Yeah. My mom said she tried to get them this morning, but that she wasn’t sure if they’d all laid their eggs yet,” Kate laughed.

  “Should you look?” Chris asked, peering into the coop. “There’s two sitting in there.”

  “I don’t know,” Kate said. “I don’t really know how to do this. Mom said you just reach underneath and grab the egg, but…”

  “I’m not doing it!” Chris laughed, holding his hands up and backing away.

  Kate took a deep breath. She stepped quietly towards the coop, so as not to startle the nesting hens. She slowly reached her hand into the coop, towards the first chicken.

  “It won’t move!” she hissed. She reached further and touched the chicken’s feathers. “Nice chicky,” she said. “Move, chicky.” She tried to push the bird with one hand, but the hen just squawked and looked at her sideways with one glassy, golden eye. Kate reached in with two hands and gently lifted the bird up. Holding the bird up with one hand, she reached underneath and felt something… slick? Slimy? Smooth?

  “Ew!” she cried.

  “What?” Chris cried in response. He looked alarmed.

  “It’s… umm. It’s an egg,” she said, her fingers closing around the egg and pulling it out. “It’s… kind of soft.” She held the egg out to Chris, who cupped it gently in his palm.

  “Weird,” he said.

  Kate repeated the process with the other hen, but there was no egg. She peeked in and around the straw to make sure she wasn’t missing any eggs. “I guess there will be more tomorrow.” She turned and headed towards the house, circling back around to the front porch. She stooped to pick up her bag and Chris picked up his backpack, still holding the egg in his hand.

  Kate reached down into the basket of pink impatiens at her feet. She felt around a bit in the damp soil and came up with the key to the front door. She unlocked the door and tossed her bag on the couch. “I’ll take that,” she said, holding out her hand for the egg. “Make yourself at home.”

  Her mom had said to stick the eggs that she collected in an egg carton in the fridge, so she headed towards the kitchen. When Kate opened the refrigerator door, she stood gaping at the contents for a second. An entire shelf was filled with egg cartons. She lifted one up. Full. She reached for another one. Full. She reached for another one. It felt lighter, so she opened it and placed the egg in an empty slot. “I think we’ll have omelets in the morning!” she called. “Big ones.”

  Kate went back into the living room and leaned against the door frame, tucking her hands into the back pockets of her jeans. Chris was standing in front of the fireplace, looking at all of the pictures on the mantle. “You were a cute kid,” he commented.

  “Thanks,” she said, peering over his shoulder and hoping that none of the pictures were too embarrassing. “So, what do you want to do?” she asked.

  Chris turned and looked at her. “I don’t know,” he said. “What is there to do around here?”

  “Um…” Kate scratched her head. “Not much.”

  “Is there someplace we can go grab a drink or something?”

  “Not anywhere nearby,” she said. “But… my dad always has beer in the fridge in his tool shed!”

  *

  She couldn’t help it; so much for being girly. Kate let out a big burp. She and Chris had been sitting on the front porch swing for hours, drinking beers and talking. There was nothing else to do!

  She felt completely comfortable and at ease around Chris. Maybe it was the beer talking, or maybe they were just getting along really well. Either way, she was enjoying herself. The late September weather was perfect, with the air just beginning to cool off in the evenings.

  “No wonder it’s getting cool,” Chris said, nudging her and point
ing through the trees. “I think we’re in for some rain,” he added, just as the breeze picked up and sent Kate’s hair flapping into his face. She tucked her hair over her shoulder and peered at the sky. Dark clouds were quickly rolling in their direction. They didn’t look pretty.

  “Maybe we should go inside.” Kate got to her feet just as another gust of wind scattered their empty beer cans off the table and sent them rolling across the porch. She and Chris stooped to gather them up and the rain began to splash down in big, fat drops. They dashed inside and dumped the empty cans into the garbage. Both of them leaned against the sink, looking out the window into the back yard.

  “It’s coming down really hard,” Chris commented.

  Kate yawned. “I bet the satellite goes out. That means no TV.” She trudged into the living room and picked up the remote control. Just as she aimed it at the television, the living room lit up with a flash of lightning. Thunder crashed and she jumped. “Not even going to bother!” Shaking, she placed the remote onto the table and backed onto the couch. She curled up in the corner, poised and ready to clap her hands over her ears the next time there was lightning.

  “That was close,” Chris said, coming in and sitting down next to her. He slipped his arm around her and rubbed her shoulder.

  Kate smiled and leaned closer. Chris bent his head towards hers and their lips met. Kate smiled at the thought of making out with a boy on the couch while her parents were out. She felt like a teenager again. She scooted down so that her head was on the armrest and so that Chris could position his body over hers. They kissed and groped and Kate was thoroughly enjoying the buzzed make-out session when suddenly Chris lifted his head and said, “I think it stopped raining.”

  “Okay,” Kate said. “So?”

  Chris sat up and looked out the window. “Yeah. Looks like it stopped. You want another beer?”

  Puzzled, Kate sat up. “I’m good.”

  Chris stepped into his sneakers by the front door. “I’ll be right back,” he said. Kate listened to his footsteps treading across the porch and down the steps. She leaned back against the armrest and sighed. Then she sat up again, thinking that she had heard something. Was that Chris? Was he… yelling?

  She got to her feet and opened the front door. Yes, Chris was definitely yelling. She rushed to the top of the porch steps to see what was going on.

  “The pigs! Kate! The pigs are out!”

  Kate hurried down the steps and rushed towards the tool shed just in time to see Chris darting through the brush. She sprinted through the gate to see what he was talking about. Swatting away the palmettos, she came across Dinner the pig, happily flopping around in a mucky puddle that had formed. “How the hell…?”

  “Help!” Chris yelled. Kate looked up to see him chasing Lunch towards the pig pen. “C’mon, pig!” he cried, shoving the pig’s hind quarters and pushing her towards the fence.

  “Be careful!” Kate cried, running over. “Those are electrified wires! You’ll get shocked. You have to go through the gate!”

  Chris stopped pushing Lunch for a minute and straightened up. “If the fence is electric, then how did they get out?”

  Kate’s mouth dropped open. “Oh, shit. Is it working? How can you tell?”

  Hesitantly, Chris approached the fence. He stretched out his hand slowly and Kate cringed. He touched one of the wires lightly with his fingertip. Then he touched it again. Then he closed his fingers around the wire. “It’s not working.”

  “What happened?” Kate cried.

  “Maybe it shorted out in the storm or something,” Chris said. “What are we going to do with these pigs? They obviously won’t stay in there if the fence isn’t working.”

  Kate looked around in a panic. “They’re going to have to go in the yard,” she said. “It’s the only way to keep them fenced in.”

  Chris nodded and started pushing Lunch back towards the tool shed. “Where’s the other one?”

  Kate’s eyes widened. “I saw Dinner in the mud…” She ran back towards the tool shed. “Breakfast! Here, piggy!” she cried. “Breakfast!” She stopped to listen. She could hear snuffling towards the front of the property. She pushed through the palmettos, wishing she would have put shoes on.

  She came to a bit of a clearing, and found Breakfast rooting her way through the dirt towards the road. Kate ran in front of the pig and tried to push her back towards the direction of the house, but Breakfast seemed to ignore her and just kept moving. Kate pushed the pig on her shoulder, on her rump, but Breakfast slowly kept trudging forward.

  Kate had an idea. She sprinted towards the house, relieved to see that Chris was getting Lunch closer to the gate and that Dinner was still stretched out in his pile of mud. She pushed through the gate and ran to the house. She flew up the steps to the back door and slid on the mudroom floor, her feet leaving muddy streaks on the linoleum. She hurried into the kitchen and looked around for food, for something to tempt the pigs with. She grabbed what was left of a loaf of bread off the counter. What else? She grabbed a bunch of bananas. She opened the refrigerator and grabbed a head of lettuce and a bunch of celery out of the produce drawer.

  Hoping her idea would work, she ran back out into the yard. To her dismay, it was starting to drizzle again.

  Chris had gotten Lunch to the gate, but the pig didn’t want to seem to enter the yard. Kate tossed him the head of lettuce, which he quickly started to unwrap. With her hands full of food, she burst through the palmettos, feeling her arms getting scratched by the fronds. She hurried to the clearing where Breakfast was snuffling around in the dirt and tore open the bag of bread. “Hey, Breakfast!” she called, approaching the pig calmly. “Check this out!” she tossed a slice of bread so that it landed on the ground just to the right of the pig’s snout.

  Breakfast sniffed the piece of bread and gobbled it up, then quickly lifted her head to see if Kate had any more. Kate ripped a piece of bread in half and tossed it in front of Breakfast. The pig turned and started making her way towards Kate. Slowly walking backwards, Kate kept tossing a trail of bread pieces and Breakfast followed her, gobbling them up.

  As she reached the gate, Chris jogged up to her, his face and t-shirt smeared with dirt. “Lunch headed right for the garden,” he said, gasping for breath.

  Kate whirled around. “What?”

  Chris threw his hands up helplessly. “It was like as soon as she saw it, she took off.”

  Kate stuffed the bread into Chris’s hands and ran into the yard. “Lunch! Piggy! No!” She hurried to the garden, just in time to see the pig pull a ripe, juicy tomato off of a plant and squish it in her mouth, juice and seeds dripping down her chin. Kate groaned. There wasn’t anything she could do about it. The only way they could keep the pigs from roaming around would be to keep them in the yard, which meant… they’d demolish the garden.

  She turned and marched back towards Chris and Breakfast. She squeezed through the gate past them and realized that the woods seemed pretty quiet. She hoped that Dinner was still lying in his pile of mud. She stopped short. She couldn’t hear anything except for a distant roll of thunder. She took off running past the chicken coop, past the tool shed, and through the palmettos to where Dinner had been resting.

  As soon as her bare foot hit the slick, black mud, Kate’s feet flew out from underneath her. The celery and the bunch of bananas she’d been holding went flying. She landed hard on her tailbone alongside Dinner. The back of her head smacked into the mud puddle. When she lifted it, her head felt heavy from all the muck instantly caked in her hair. The dirty, mud-crusted pig lifted his head and stretched, just able to reach the bananas. He started munching on them, peels and all, and in seconds, they were gone. Then he gave his head a shake, sending droplets of mud and dirty water flying. He let his head droop so that his chin was resting across Kate’s shins and looked at her almost smugly.

  Kate didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The electric fence was messed up, the pigs had almost gotten away, they were going t
o ruin her parents’ garden, she had fallen on her butt and it hurt, and now she was covered in mud. This was not what she’d imagined she’d be doing this weekend.

  “Kate?”

  “Over here,” she replied, sitting up on her elbows. It was hard to move in the mud; it was like she was stuck to a giant suction cup.

  “Holy shit!” Chris cried, getting down on his knees and tossing aside what was left of the loaf of bread. “What the hell happened Are you okay?”

  “I slipped,” she said. “And I’m stuck.”

  Chris got behind her and cupped her underneath her armpits. “One, two, three!” he said, pulling her straight up. Her feet slipped in the mud as she tried to stand upright, but Chris held her steady as he, too, got to his feet. “You okay? Are you hurt?”

  Kate shook her head, her pride probably hurting the worst. “Let’s just get him in the yard,” she said, picking up the bread bag. She shook out the remaining two pieces and handed them to Chris. “Dinner! Look what I got,” she said, pulling the celery out of the mud. The pig lifted his head, and then slowly got to his feet, the mud making suction-y, slurpy sounds as he stood up.

  Kate and Chris called the pig and teased him with the pieces of bread and celery as they led him towards the yard. “Come on, Dinner, come get some bread!” Chris said, holding the slice out in front of him. Tired of being teased, Dinner lunged forward and swiped the piece of bread out of Chris’s hand. Chris jumped back in surprise.

  “I told you, he bites!” Kate warned, dangling her celery out and then hiding it behind her back. “Hurry up and get the gate.”

  Chris rushed past her and opened the gate. Dinner followed Kate through and once Chris slammed the gate shut, she tossed the celery into the grass. Dinner trotted after it and Kate turned and trudged towards the house. She couldn’t bear to watch the pigs destroying her parents’ garden.

  In the mudroom, she started the washing machine, dumped in detergent, and began stripping off her clothes. Her skin already felt stiff where the mud had caked up and dried and her head felt heavy with her mud-soaked chunks of hair. She looked and felt gross. She held her jeans up and looked at them. They were completely covered in mud. She wasn’t even sure if they’d be salvageable, but she plunged them into the washing machine anyway.