This Regret

by Victoria Ashley

  “You don’t have to do that,” my mother’s guilty voice cuts in. “We’ll only be here for a few days and then we’ll leave.”

  Zoe jumps up from the couch with a panicked look on her freckled face. “Where else would we go? We have nowhere but here. I’m not sleeping outside because you screwed up. Dad left you, not me.”

  “Zoe, shut up!” I place my hand on her shoulder and push her back down on the couch. “Don’t speak to mom that way. It’s not her fault that dad’s an ass. Now lay back down and keep out of it.”

  She crosses her arms over her chest and slams her head against the back of the cushion. “How am I supposed to stay out of it when you guys are in my new room? Nice try. Why don’t you guys take it somewhere else so I don’t have to be around her.”

  “Yeah, and why don’t you learn to . . .” My mother’s words trail off as she turns to face the wall and covers her mouth. “I’m sorry, Zoe. Let’s just get some sleep. We both need it.”

  “No! What was that mother? What were you about to say?” Zoe jumps to her feet, grabs a picture frame from the coffee table, and tosses it across the room. The picture shatters causing all of us to stop and stare.

  I think it hit us all at the same time. It’s the only picture I have of him. It was taken a week before he died. He was leaning against his motorcycle with his legs crossed in front of him, holding up the rock-on hand symbol. He had just gotten his first motorcycle that day. It was a piece of junk he bought off someone that was moving out of town and planned to fix it up. He was still in the process when he . . . died. Now that I think about it, I haven’t seen that bike since the first day he got it. I wonder what ever happened to it.

  “I’m sorry,” Zoe whispers, looking over at the broken pieces of glass. “I didn’t mean to. I’m just really tired and angry and-“

  “Zoe.”

  “I will clean it up. Please don’t be mad. I wasn’t thinking and-“

  “Zoe, stop.” I hold my arms up to stop her. “Everyone’s a little upset at the moment. Just go back to sleep and I will clean this mess up.” I turn to face my mother, which is now holding a shaky hand to her mouth. “Go and take my room. You need sleep more than I do. I will put these bags somewhere and when you wake up, you can take any space in my room that you need and put your things in there. Zoe can put her things in the dining room. We will work this out. We can. We can do this without him, okay.”

  My mother nods and her eyes stray over to Zoe that is still set on ignoring her. “Yeah, we can do this, Zoe. We can manage here. I wasn’t going to say what you thought I was going to say.”

  I can tell my mother is lying. I can always tell when she lies. In the heat of the moment, she was going to get on Zoe’s case about her learning disabilities and it angers me. It really does, but everyone’s emotions are running wild right now. I can’t blame either one of them for their actions and I won’t.

  Zoe pulls her hair to the side of her shoulder and reaches for the red blanket I keep on the back of the couch for her. “Just go to sleep . . . mother. I don’t want to talk anymore.”

  I take a few deep breaths as my head begins to spin and my legs get weak. Anxiety is a predator and right now, I’m it’s prey. As hard as I try, anxiety will always be a huge part of my life. I have learned to control it for the most part, but even the strongest have their meltdowns. Right now, definitely calls for a meltdown. I have no idea how I’m going to manage to take care of my mother and sister without working every minute of every day. It’s going to be a struggle, but if I can get through losing the biggest part of me, then I can and will get through this.

  My mother glances around the room a few times before she nods at me, smiles and heads down the hallway to my room.

  Looks like I need to make a trip to blow off a little steam. Actually, make that a lot of steam.

  * * *

  I pull my car up to Haze Ranch, making my way down the extremely long driveway. The house looks lifeless as I drive past it and take a quick look around. The huge rectangular windows stand unlit against the huge white house and are opaque because of the old curtains hanging against them. The only noise around me seems to be from the distant horses and cattle. The old wooden porch wraps all the way around the house, leading to a great view of the Ranch, now a dim shade of orange and pink from the sun peaking over the trees. I almost want to stop and make my way up the steps to take in the beautiful view, but decide against it. I have something else in mind to relieve this tension.

  I drive for another few minutes past the bunkhouse, huge red barn, and the beginning of the wooden fence I know stretches for miles. Cattle are nowhere in sight, probably down by the creek bank.

  Finally, I park my car by the large oak tree that holds the worn rope swing. It's old and hasn't been used in ages. I drive a distance past the old meadow we used to play in when we were kids. It’s also far enough away that no one will be able to hear my gunfire. Well, at least it won’t bother them as much. As much as I know I probably shouldn’t be doing this so early in the morning, I really feel as if I don’t have a choice. With everything going on with my family and the Haze boys, I just can’t seem to think straight.

  Killing the ignition, I reach under my seat and grab my pistol, before releasing the trunk latch. I step out of the car and adjust my cutoffs and t-shirt, placing my pistol under the band of my shorts. Heading over to my trunk, I stop and inhale, breathing in the fresh air before raising it open. Reaching in, I grab for my box of bullets.

  I make my way to the place we used to use for bonfires. It's a burned area surrounded by a couple logs. Sometimes it’s still used by some of the ranch hands on late night stakeouts. I look around to see there are some cans left by the latest occupants. Perfect, that should work. I set the cans up on top of the log facing the woods.

  Backing away from the log, I reach for my Ruger Sr45 Semi-Automatic Pistol. I love the way it feels in my hands, lightweight but powerful, already making some of the tension die down.

  It’s been at least a few months since I’ve been able to shoot and a certain excitement courses through me, just thinking about relieving this damn stress. Right now, I feel like a crazy person off my pills and my anxiety is at an all-time high. Trust me, no one wants to deal with a stressed out Phoenix. I’ve never been good with words. This is my way of getting things off my chest.

  Taking a deep breath, I check the chamber. I always keep it loaded in case of an emergency, but check the safety regularly. I hold down the pistol, grip in hand and take the safety off. Raising the pistol in the web of my left hand, I overlay my left with the right hand, placing my index finger over the trigger.

  Spreading my legs shoulder length apart, I steady the gun and aim, slightly holding my finger over the trigger until I am dead on with the first aluminum can and squeeze the trigger, firing my weapon. The first shot hits straight through the middle, almost splitting it in half.

  I instantly feel a bit of relief and can’t seem to help the smile that is spreading over my face. “Hell yeah!” I scream. Hopping up and down like an excited toddler, I laugh, feeling my shoulders relax, before setting my eyes back on the target.

  I turn my aim slightly more to the right and aim for the second can, nailing it with my first try, sending the can spiraling through the air in pieces. “That’s for leaving when I needed you the most.”

  Aiming for the third can, I miss the first time before finally shooting the top off. “That’s for looking sexier than all hell and walking back into my life.”

  I get ready to aim for the fourth one, until I hear footsteps behind me and turn around to see Kade strolling through the grass shirtless, wearing a pair of blue plaid pajama pants. He looks confused as he wipes at his eyes.

  All of the stress that I just relieved comes flooding back and the pressure of anxiety starts building. I have no idea how long he’s been standing there and no idea just how much he has just heard.

  “Kade, what are you doing up? It’s barely six o’cl
ock.” I lower the pistol and brush my hair out of my face. “Don’t you have to work the late shift tonight?”

  He walks over to stand next to me and stretches before reaching for my pistol. “It’s kind of hard to sleep through gunfire. Especially when you know the one firing the gun is so hot.” Without giving it too much thought, he turns and aims at the fourth can, shattering it on the first try, before aiming it at the last one, taking that down as well. “Man, that does feel good. It’s been a while since I’ve been out here.” He puts on the safety before shoving the pistol into the front of his pajamas, bringing my attention down to notice there’s no way he’s wearing any boxers under those things. The package is nice and visible, the whole shape of his penis pressing against the thin fabric, swaying whenever he moves. A certain excitement courses through me, making me feel dirty. “You look sexy as hell right now and all I can think about is trailing kisses over every inch of your body,” he says softly, his eyes focusing on my legs, then my breasts.

  My body stiffens and my breath comes out heavily from his words. As much as my mind won’t stay off Kellan, there’s still a part of my body that reacts to Kade.

  Shit! This can’t be a good thing. Now I feel like some kind of slut even though I’m not sleeping with either. Hell, I’ve only kissed Kade, not Kellan and I probably will never get the chance anyway.

  “Yeah, well I’m pretty sweaty at the moment. I doubt you want that all over your lips,” I say nervously.

  He takes a step closer so his body is brushing against mine. “I’m sure everything on your body taste good.” He leans in pressing his nose into my neck, breathing slowly. “Even your sweat.” His arms wrap around my waist, before reaching down to caress my ass. “Why don’t you come to the pool house so we can play around a little and then get some more sleep. It’s early, but there are so many things I want to do to that sexy little body of yours, just not out here in the open.”

  What fun is there in that? If I were to agree to have sex with Kade, then this would be the kind of place I’d want to do it. As dirty as it sounds, doing it out in the open has always been a fantasy of mine and extremely turns me on. I place my hands against his chest. “I’m really not up to it, Kade. I’m really stressed out at the moment. I just wanted a little alone time to blow off some steam.”

  He presses his forehead to mine before speaking. “I can help you blow off some steam. I’m pretty good with that.” His lips crush mine, sucking and tugging on my bottom lip, begging for entrance as his hand snakes around my thigh, searching its way up my shorts.

  I let myself get lost in the moment for a few seconds before his finger slips under my panties, running over the wetness that I hadn’t even realized was there. Clearly, my body wants him but nothing about this moment feels right. It’s all too confusing, this is the furthest he’s gotten to slipping a finger in me, and I’m not sure that it’s right. I wriggle my way out of his grip, claiming my lips back as well. “Kellan, not now,” I breathe.

  The look on his face is almost as if I just slapped him. He huffs before running a hand through his curls and taking a step back. “Is that what’s been going on?”

  “What are you talking about?” I ask a little confused. Is he really that upset I don’t want to make out with him right now? That’s pretty shitty.

  He snickers while shaking his head and pursing his lips. “You really have no idea what you just called me do you?”

  I lift an eyebrow, getting frustrated with his attitude. “Well, I’m going to say your name. I don’t remember me calling you anything else or anything bad for that matter. What is your deal, Kade?”

  “Ah . . . now you get my name right, Luna.” He smiles and pulls my pistol out of the waistband of his pants. “Oh, I’m sorry. I meant Phoenix. How does it feel?” He holds out the pistol for me to grab it. “You’ve always had a thing for my brother. It was pretty clear back then and pretty clear right now.”

  Reaching for my pistol, I lean my head back and exhale. I can’t believe I slipped and called him Kellan. This day is definitely not going much better than it was a couple of hours ago. “I’m sorry, Kade. Like I said, I have a lot on my mind. Of course, your brother is one of those things. He just showed back up after eight years. It’s kind of hard not to think about it, or why he left in the first place. You can’t be mad about that.”

  He laughs as if I’ve missed something. “It’s pretty easy to see why he left. He took the easy way out so he wouldn’t have to deal with the both of us or people talking about Adric’s death over the next years in this crappy little town. It was his escape. Can’t you see that? He’s no good. I have no respect for him. He doesn’t care about us and probably never has. I gave up on him a few years after he left.” He stops to look me in the eye. “Maybe you should finally give up and open your pretty little eyes. If he wanted you, then he would’ve stuck around back then. I’m going back to sleep. I’ll see you tomorrow for my father’s Fourth of July Party. That’s if you’re actually coming this year.”

  My heart twists up into a painful ball of nerves at the mention of that day. Tomorrow will mark eight years since Adric passed. Eight long, painful years. I still remember that day like it was yesterday.

  My parents and I were heading home from the fireworks and I was furious that Adric and Kellan hadn’t shown up to watch them with me. They always watched them with me. Watching them alone, with my parents just didn’t feel right and I couldn’t wait to get home to yell at him for blowing me off.

  We were driving through the neighborhood one block away from home when we noticed flashing lights coming from our street. My mother shook her head and turned back to speak to me. “See what happens when kids aren’t safe while using fireworks? I hope that’s not at our house. I’m going to have a talk with Adric to be sure he’s being safe.”

  I just laughed at her comment and placed my face against the window. “Yeah, sure, mom. I’m sure Adric knows what he’s doing. He’s twenty. He’s smarter than you think.”

  My mother rolled her eyes and patted my leg. “Not ‘til tomorrow. He’s still my baby and they’re still dangerous. You know how boys can be.”

  “Whatever . . .”

  My words trailed off as soon as we hit our street. An ambulance along with a couple police cars were parked right in front of our house, with two ambulance drivers carrying a stretcher toward the door.

  “What the hell is going on?” My father’s voice came out as a whisper and I could tell he was just as worried as I felt.

  “Just stop the car, Ethan. Stop right fucking now.”

  My father slammed on the brakes, causing my mother to fall forward, almost hitting her head on the windshield. “Calm down, Elaine. I’m sure there’s been some kind of misunderstanding . . .”

  Before my father could finish, I was out the door, running down the sidewalk to my house. Something was wrong. Something terrible was wrong and I could feel it. The boys would never stand me up, especially on my favorite day of the year.

  “Phoenix!” My mother screamed from behind me, but I ignored her and kept on running.

  I ignored everyone, including the police officer that held me back from going inside. I didn’t want to look at him. I didn’t want to hear bad news. I just wanted to see my brother. They wouldn’t just let me go and see my brother.

  “You can’t go in there,” a voice said, but I ignored it, shaking and fighting my way out of the man’s grasp until I broke free. “Get back here, child.”

  I took off running through the hallway, pushing a few people out of the way before making my way to the steps, leading up to Adric’s room, the attic.

  Someone grabbed my arm to try to stop me again, but I punched the hand repeatedly until it let go, allowing me to make my way up the second set of stairs that led to the attic. The problem was, I wasn’t ready for the sight in front of me. I wasn’t ready to see Adric that way.

  The once, tan, handsome, funny brother I always knew was now, pale and lifeless with purp
le lips. He lay on the floor next to his favorite drawing chair, his dark hair covering most of his face and his arms tucked beside his body in a comfortable position. It looked as if someone had took care of him since he’d fallen there, and someone definitely touched his room. The whole room was trashed, everything broken and thrown everywhere. He was wearing his favorite Puma sweatshirt and his face was lying against the hood, comfortably inside. All I could think about was reaching for him and shaking him to wake him up, but I couldn’t.

  My legs instantly gave out on me as I started screaming. I don’t even remember what I was saying. I just know that I was screaming so loud, as soon as my parents reached the attic, they already knew he was dead.

  Shaking myself back to reality, I swallow hard and twist the bottom of my shirt between my fingers. “You know that I won’t be there tomorrow,” I say as Kade turns around to leave. He should know this by now. I haven’t gone to see the fireworks since that night, eight years ago. There’s no point. That night has a different meaning to me now. One that hurts way too much. “Have fun with your family, though and give my apologies to Dale and Nancy.”

  Kade grunts while turning back around to face me. “Just come for once, please. You’re one of the only few that never show up. It breaks my mother’s heart not to see you there. Can’t you just show up? Just for a few minutes at least and say hi.” He sounds defeated as his eyes plead with me to give up and agree. “Please. Just do this to make my mother feel better. Now that Kellan's back, she’s been a little on edge with worry. It would make her happy.”

  As much as it hurts to celebrate tomorrow, he’s right. It wouldn’t hurt for me to at least show up for a few minutes and say hi to everyone. It doesn’t mean I have to stay the whole night and watch the fireworks or anything. I’ll do it for Nancy because I know she’s had it tough.