This Regret

by Victoria Ashley

  He turns to leave, but I reach out and grab his hand, stopping him. “Wait.” I look at him, wishing I could want him like he wants me, but I just don’t feel it anymore. I guess sometimes distance doesn't make the heart grow fonder. Sometimes the wives tales are wrong. All I can think about is Kellan. He occupies every spot in my brain, destroying me bit by bit, leaving no room for anyone else. “I’m sorry, Aiden. It was nice seeing you.”

  His hand slips from mine and he walks away. Walks away as I stand there stunned, still touching my lips, while leaning against the table for support. Since when did things become so complicated?

  I’m standing here alone, lost in thought when I hear someone trying to get my attention by the pool table.

  “Yo, Phoenix. Wake up. We could use another round of beer over here.”

  I shake my head and try to stand, but I get dizzy for a moment and have to catch myself. Looking around the bar, the faces start to blur and my breathing quickens. Damn anxiety! It always hits at the wrong times. I close my eyes and rub my hands over my face while taking long, deep breaths in an attempt to calm down and get a grip. “I’ll be right there,” I barely get out because my voice cracks. “Just give me a minute.”

  I stand there for I don’t know how long, gripping the edge of the table and trying to clear my thoughts, before I finally feel somewhat normal. I release the table and walk over toward the pool table, but when I get there, all of the bottles are full. “You guys are good?” I ask James, one of the regulars.

  He positions his pool stick and nods his head. “Yeah, are you okay? Maybe you need a break. You spend too much time here,” he says while squeezing my arm. “Why don’t you let that other dude up there fill in for you? He’s the one that brought us our drinks. There’s no reason to have three of you here right now.” He knocks a ball into the right pocket and looks up as I stand there staring like an idiot. “And where’s that band? Isn’t it band night?”

  Ah, shit! He’s right. It is band night. I almost forgot. “Sorry about that,” I apologize. “I just needed a moment to myself. The band should be here soon.”

  James smiles and elbows his friend in the side to get his attention. “Your turn, dumbass.” He takes a sip of his beer and smiles. “No worries, beautiful.” Then he sets it down and gets back to his game.

  Kade is just hanging up the phone as I make my way up to the bar. He looks at me and grips his curls in his hand before leaning over the bar. “Well, looks like we’re shit out of luck for music tonight. The band obviously has van troubles. Those little shits better not be lying.”

  Dale hates the bar going without a band on band night. He says it gives the bar a bad rep when we promise something we can’t deliver. Very true. I don’t blame him. His business is so successful because of that kind of thinking. “Well, what about Blindside? Can they fill in for the night?”

  Kade looks up, his eyes settle behind me and he smiles. “Nah, they can’t, but maybe my big bro here can.” He smirks. “You know how to play guitar, right?” He laughs under his breath and tosses me a towel to help clean. “Maybe you can save the night. Be everyone’s fucking hero, for once.”

  What is he doing? He knows Kellan can’t sing for crap. He always did, just messing around when we were younger, but even he admitted he sucked. He’s doing this on purpose to challenge Kellan. He knows Kellan will never say no to a challenge.

  “Kade, no. It’s fine. We don’t need a band. It’s not even busy tonight,” I say a little too desperate to protect Kellan. I turn to Kellan but he just walks back out the door without a word.

  “Damn you, Kade. Why do you have to be such an ass?”

  “It’s just my thing, you know. I was always the asshole brother and Kellan was always the kind, protective one. Let him be the damn hero again. Are you worried he can't take the heat?”

  I shake my head and lean over the bar, covering my mouth with my right hand. When I look up again, I see Kellan walk in with his guitar in hand. Oh, how he looks so sexy with that thing. Too bad, he’s going to embarrass himself. He can’t hold a tune for crap and people don’t just want to see a band to hear them play music. They want to hear them pour their heart and soul into the lyrics as well.

  I grab Kellan’s arm as he walks over toward the stage. “Kellan, you don’t have to do this. Kade is just trying to work your nerves. You know that.”

  Kellan smiles as if he could care less. “It’s cool. I’ve kind of wanted to play lately anyways.” He grabs my chin and tilts it up. “I see you still worry as much as you used to. Don’t stress over it. You’re too tense.” He leans in and runs his lips over my neck and whispers, “You need a long, deep massage. Playing will help work my fingers first.”

  Then he walks away, leaving me standing there on weak legs.

  Kade leans over the bar with a cocky smile. “This should be good. Good thing I cleaned my ears today.” He motions me behind the bar with his head. “I could use a little help back here, now that your boyfriends are preoccupied with other things.”

  I flash him a dirty look. “Ha! Very funny, dick.” We both smile, although I know his is only because he’s counting on Kellan to make a fool of himself. Not that it really matters. Kellan is never embarrassed. He’s not afraid of who he is or what people think of him. That’s one reason I’ve always been so drawn to him.

  Cleaning up the mess, I sneak a peek in Kellan’s direction as he sets up the microphone and stool, turning all the equipment on.

  “Kade,” I whisper, looking back at him. He stops what he’s doing to meet my gaze. “I’m sorry about how things went down. What you and I had was just for fun, right?” I ask hopeful. I can’t stand things being so tense between us.

  He clenches his jaw and glances over at the stage. “I guess you’ll never know.” He shoves his hands in his pocket and leans his hip against the bar. “The question is, would it have mattered?”

  I never stopped to ask myself that before. The question kind of throws me off. “I don’t know,” I whisper. “We’ve always just been friends. I never expected you to kiss me that day or for me to find you naked in my bed, Kade. I don’t know how to answer that.”

  He steps closer to me, so his front side is pressed against part of my ass. Then he leans over me and reaches for a lime and whispers, “You liked it. Admit it.”

  My eyes linger over to the stage. Kellan is sitting on the stool, messing with the strings on his guitar, but his eyes are zoned in on Kade. I can’t really read his expression, but it doesn’t look good.

  I scoot my way across the bar so I’m free from Kade’s body. This causes Kade to laugh. “What? Is Kellan your boyfriend now? Is he going to get jealous if I do this?”

  Kade leans in as if he’s about to kiss my neck, but Kellan’s words stop him, causing him to look toward the stage.

  “The song I’m about to play,” he pauses, looks up to the ceiling, and points, “Is for you brother. Your memory will live on. Not a day goes by I don’t fucking miss you, my best friend.”

  Everyone in the bar goes silent as Kellan begins to strum away at his guitar to Lynyrd Skynyrd’s Simple Man. Even Kade watches intently, knowing how much this song meant to Adric. He used to play it all the time at parties and events around town. Everyone knows it's his signature.

  Now Kellan is sitting here in front of me, playing it as if he’s been playing it for as long as he’s been breathing. I swear this man is going to make me cry. First, he played it on the Jukebox, ripping my heart out and now he’s playing it with his own damn hands. Absolutely beautiful is putting it mildly. There are no words to describe the way I’m feeling.

  As soon as the lyrics leave his lips, I want to die. A slow painful death, because it has to hurt less than the pain this renders in my heart. I stand here speechless, grasping onto the bar as his voice fills the bar. It’s so beautiful, raw and full of pain. He sings from his heart and you can tell that heart's been beaten to hell and back.

  His eyes are closed, his mouth close to
the microphone as he sings his heart out, his fingers dominating the guitar. He tilts his head and opens his eyes, seeking me out and his voice gets so deep and gritty, I can feel the emotions as if they’re mine.

  My eyes lock with his for a brief moment before his eyes close again and he lifts his foot to rest on the foot railing below him, while his other foot digs into the ground.

  I see a shadow from the corner of my eye, as someone takes a seat at the bar, but I can’t seem to peel my eyes away long enough to care. I’m too enthralled with Kellan’s performance to do anything but stare in wonder. I must look like an idiot, but I don’t care. I’m so at peace at the moment, that I could close my eyes and just pretend everything bad in the world never existed.

  “Excuse me. May I get a Vodka and Sprite,” a soft voice asks.

  I blindly reach for an empty glass not wanting to look away. I feel glass with the tip of my fingers, but when I go to reach for it, it falls to the floor, breaking at my foot. “Dammit!”

  “Is someone a little worked up?” the female voice speaks again, sounding surprisingly concerned. “Yeah, this isn’t a good day for me either.”

  I finally look up and my eyes land on a very pretty, sweet looking girl with long burgundy hair and green eyes. Her eyes are the most beautiful shade of deep green that I have ever seen; although, they look sad and distant.

  I shake my head and force a smile. “I’m sorry. I’m just a little out of it today.” I scoot the pile of glass out of the way with my foot and start fresh. “I’ll get that drink for you now.”

  A sad smile spreads across the girl's face as she stands up and reaches for my hand. Her hands are clammy, her touch gentle and caring. “You have his eyes, ya know. The resemblance is amazing.” A tear falls down her face so she quickly turns away, releases my hand and grabs for her purse. “I’ll take a rain check on that drink. I should be going.”

  “Wait a minute,” I try verbally stopping her, but fail.

  She starts to walk away, but then stops to look over at the stage. When Kellan looks her way, she raises her head, smiles and grips her purse tighter before quickly walking out the door.

  Kellan watches with flared nostrils, looking broken and pained before his eyes meet mine and then the ground.

  Who was that girl? She was obviously friends with Adric and knew Kellan. Could someone else really still be this torn over Adric's death as Kellan and I are after eight years?

  When I look behind me, Kade is leaning against the bar staring off into nowhere. He has a glass in his hand he just keeps wiping down with a towel even though it’s already dry. He sees me watching him from the corner of his eye so he sets the glass down behind him. “I guess someone’s been doing a little practicing.”

  I look up at Kellan and notice he’s watching us. His eyes are intense as he sings the last note, causing my stomach to twist into knots. Knots I’m not so sure I can undo later. “Yeah, so it appears.”

  Everyone in the bar starts clapping, screaming and whistling as Kellan sets his guitar down and stands up. Even with all the attention on him, his attention seems to be on me as he jumps off the stage and heads over toward the bar.

  Kade and I both just stand there and watch, stunned speechless from the pained expression on Kellan’s face. He looks as if his best friend has just died. It may not be fresh, but the pain clearly still is, like when someone rips open an old wound.

  “Kellan, that was amazing,” I say, swallowing back my wild emotions. “I had no idea you could sing like that.”

  “Yeah, that wasn’t total shit, I guess,” Kade mumbles. “It still wasn’t as good as Adric, but it’s a shit ton better than that howling you used to do when we were kids.”

  I expect Kellan to flip out and give Kade a piece of his mind, but instead, he smiles and takes a seat at the bar. “Oh, I still howl. My howling’s just gotten better.” He looks up at Kade with a look of confidence. “Most women don’t complain.”

  I swallow the lump in my throat and start wiping down the bar to keep busy. The last thing I want to think about is him with other women.

  * * *

  Come closing time, Kellan sticks around to help, even though Kade is trying everything he can to get rid of him. Finally, Kade just gives up and decides to keep his distance on the other side of the bar. Kellan is a hard one to get rid of if he doesn’t want to leave. He’s always been that way.

  Just when we’re about to turn off the lights and lock up, Kade tosses his phone down in front of him and runs his tongue over his teeth. “Well, I’m sure you two can manage to finish up here. You don’t need me. I have to get going.” He gives Kellan a stone cold look as if he doesn’t trust him being here, before swiping up his phone, glancing over at me and heading out the door without another word.

  I look over at Kellan briefly before making my way over to turn off the lights. “Thanks for sticking around.” I switch off the last light and lean against the wall. “And thanks for playing on stage for us. It was . . .”

  He slowly walks toward me, his eyes watching my lips. “What?” he whispers. “What was it? Tell me.”

  I look into his eyes as he stops right in front of me and grabs my hips, running his hands up my body. Why can’t I seem to breathe when he touches me? I’m going to pass out like a damned teenage girl. “It was beautiful, powerful and absolutely stunning. It was all of those things and more.”

  He smiles, flashing me those sexy dimples before spreading my legs with his knee and pressing his thigh between my legs. Then he presses his body against mine and runs his hands up my arms before cupping my face in his hands. “So are you.” He sucks my bottom lip into his mouth and then releases it. “I haven’t stopped thinking about touching you. You’re doing something to me that I don’t understand. I think I want you.” He pauses to run his tongue up my lips. “But I feel like I can’t have you. Like I shouldn’t have you.”

  “Why can’t you,” I ask in a whisper. “Why shouldn’t you?” I want answers. I need answers.

  He runs his finger over my lips, breathing heavily before both of his hands slam into the wall so his arms are on either sides of my waist. His breath is on my lips, teasing me. His stiffness is pressed against my belly and all I want do is scream for him to take me again, here and now. Please take me!

  He speaks against my lips, giving me goose bumps. “Because of mistakes I’ve made. Because of who I am now. The worst part of it is . . . I don’t want anyone else to have you but me.” He bites his bottom lip before sucking the ring into his mouth. He looks torn, as if he has much more to say but knows he shouldn’t. “Let me walk you to your car. I have somewhere important to go. Is that okay, Phoenix?”

  Catching my breath, I nod my head and let him lead me outside and to my car. He places his hand on the small of my back and opens the door for me to get in. “Remember, if you need anything,” his eyes wander over every inch of my face as if he’s trying to memorize it, “Call me, okay? Goodnight.”

  I nod my head. “Yeah, Kellan. I will.” I smile as he backs up and closes the door for me. “Goodnight,” I whisper.

  I sit in the parking lot for a good ten minutes after Kellan’s truck is gone. I finally find the courage to head to my next destination. It’s technically not Adric’s birthday anymore, but we always celebrated it on the sixth because six was Adric’s favorite number. He was weird like that, but I loved him for it.

  I make my way through the dark and over to his headstone. Before I even get there, I can already see the flowers that my mother and Zoe must have brought earlier in the day. They are beautiful and almost make me want to cry. The truth is, Adric never wanted anything for his birthday. Every time I would ask him what to get him, he would say, “Just get me some new pencils for my drawings. Those damn things always break on me,” and I would laugh and pull a pencil from out of my back pocket because I already knew without asking, what he would say.

  I kneel down in front of his headstone and place one hand on the ground between my kn
ees and the other against the marble. “Happy birthday. Well, sort of. I miss you even though I just talked to you the other day.” A tear runs down my cheek and I wipe at it with my free hand. “Strange, huh? I guess you already heard, but Kellan told me some pretty funny stuff the last time I was here. I haven’t laughed like that in years. Not since . . . you left me. I miss those days. Isn't it funny how we take advantage of it until we no longer have the option to have it anymore?”

  I reach in my back pocket and pull out a single pencil, just as I used to back when he was alive to accept them. “I brought you a gift. I thought you might be able to use it up there. I’m sure you’re probably still breaking those pencils. You were always so rough and careless with them.”

  I get ready to place the pencil next to the flowers, when I notice there’s already one there. I throw my hand over my mouth and start to bawl. I know exactly who it’s from and suddenly I just can’t hold it in any longer. I feel as if I’m being ripped apart from the inside and my lungs have burst into flames.

  Dropping the pencil next to the one Kellan brought, I lay my head on the ground and close my eyes. “This kills me, Adi. I just wish I could hear your laugh again while you sit there sketching and making fun of me. Those sketches were absolutely beautiful. I wish I could find one of a Peacock, drawn by you. I think I’m finally going to get it done. My first tattoo. I just wish it were a part of you somehow. I’m going to ask Kellan to do it. I know he’ll do as good of a job as you would have. I trust that with all my heart. He’s just as passionate as you were. We both miss you.”

  My mind plays through the night. “Kellan sang for you tonight, but I'm sure you heard him. You'd be proud of him, Adi. I just wish I could take the pain away from him. He really loved you. This girl came into the bar tonight. She was beautiful but didn't look familiar. She knew you though. I wish she would have stayed. She looked like she was in pain too. It makes me wonder just how many people still suffer from your absence. I thought I was the only one after this long, but I guess I was wrong.”