Remember Love

by Jessica Nelson

  *****

  Alec cracked his eye open, then recoiled when the morning sun blinded him. He turned onto his side. The hotel bed groaned with the movement.

  Facing away from the window, he glanced at the alarm clock on the table beside the bed. Eight o’clock. Later than he usually slept. Was Katrina awake? Had Rachel said anything to her?

  He sat up, rubbing sleep-gritty eyes. The only way to find out would be to call Katrina.

  But after last night. . .

  Her store was gone. Obliterated by hungry flames. And she wanted to rebuild.

  He groaned. It wouldn’t be worth it. Sure, the Pizza Place brought in money, but Kat’s Korner? Yet she would stubbornly cling to the store like ivy on a brick wall.

  He shook the blankets off and stood. First things first. A shower, then a wade through the paperwork piled on the hotel desk. Not to mention an in-depth study of the insurance on the building, what was covered and what wasn’t.

  There must be some way to rebuild Kat’s Korner without going into debt. Some way to salvage Katrina’s dream without ruining his own. At least this was his deal and not a contract he’d negotiated for Uncle Jim. More leeway and whatever he chose to do would only affect him and Katrina.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

  After Rachel left, Katrina cleaned the kitchen and then headed to her own house. What was the procedure to follow after a fire? She had no clue.

  She set her purse on the counter next to her glasses. Had she forgotten them last night? She paused. When was the last time she’d worn them? She couldn’t remember.

  She was changing. What had Alec said, that she hid behind her glasses? He was right. Subconsciously, she felt protected by those meager frames of metal and glass.

  She moved into the living room, phone in hand, and listened to her messages, distracted.

  Alec wanted to marry her. Could she trust him? Marriage was a huge step, but she’d been willing, once. She crinkled her nose. Kind of willing. But in the end she’d backed out. The reasons didn’t matter now. Commitment, trust, communication, those were the things that had been missing ten years ago.

  But now? She thought of the way Alec smiled, warm and spontaneous. She thought of how his face froze into a mask when he tried to hide his emotions.

  And he was so good with kids. She remembered Julie, clinging to Alec, begging to go to the park and Alec turning Julie’s need into an adventure.

  Katrina smiled. She trusted Alec. She could commit to him. And her communication skills had definitely improved.

  Kat’s Korner was gone. Perhaps holding on to it had been like her glasses. Security. Protection. Maybe it was time to spread her wings a little and see what God had in store for her.

  Maybe.

  Grant Harkness’s low timbre started the next message, catching her attention. Katrina stilled as one word filled her with dread.

  Arson.

  The word slithered through her consciousness. It was what they’d expected but to have it confirmed made goose bumps pop up on her arms. Too much.

  Staggering to the couch, she fell against the cushions as realization rushed through her. She needed God. Now. Not when things were perfect, but now, when circumstances were shaky. She’d been a fool to leave Him behind. Bending forward, she searched beneath the coffee table and pulled out the Bible she use to keep on top of the table.

  Dust had settled into the grooves of the leather cover. She wiped it with her palm, a twinge in her chest. Nerves clenched her stomach. So long since she’d read His word. Only on Sundays, only to appear to others as though she were the same Katrina she’d been before Joey died.

  But she wasn’t. Now she was doubly wounded, doubly afraid. Throat tight with anxiety, she flipped the Bible open to Psalms. To combat the twist of her stomach and erratic pace of her thoughts, she settled into the cushions and read Psalm 91.

  A few of the verses struck her deep, and she closed her eyes to concentrate on them.

  I will say of the Lord, "He is my refuge and my fortress; My God, in Him I will trust."

  There’d been a time that verse had been engraved on her heart. Maybe, like the cover of this worn Bible, the words still lived inside of her. Covered with layers of dust, obscured by multitudes of worries, but there, nonetheless.

  She clutched the Bible to her chest before closing it. When she set it on the coffee table, she noticed Ms. Lincoln’s faded Cadillac ambling down the street and pulling into the driveway next door.

  Katrina moved to the window and pursed her lips when Ms. Douglas and Ms. Lincoln began hauling groceries from the car and hobbling up Ms. Lincoln’s walkway. There was no reason they should do that on their own. She scooted out her front door.

  "Here, let me help," she called.

  Ms. Douglas was just coming out of the house and her eyes widened when she saw Katrina. "Oh, hello dear! I loved those Dekker books. Have you any new ones in?"

  So she hadn’t heard about the fire.

  "He doesn’t have any new ones out yet." Katrina hauled open the Cadillac’s back door and grabbed the rest of the grocery bags. "I’ve got these."

  Ms. Douglas closed the door behind her and followed her up the walkway, chirping the whole time about Ted Dekker being the world’s next literary genius.

  Katrina entered Ms. Lincoln’s kitchen and plopped the bags on the counter. Ms. Lincoln sat at the table, cradling a Coke between her hands.

  "Hi Ms. Lincoln. It’s Katrina." She didn’t want to startle the elderly woman.

  Ms. Douglas bustled past and disappeared into the living room.

  A smile stretched Ms. Lincoln’s mouth wide. "How are you, dear?"

  "I’m okay. Where would you like me to put the dry goods?" Katrina wrestled a bag of flour out of a bag and waited.

  "In the pantry, second shelf." Ms. Lincoln cleared her throat. "How are you and Alec?"

  Katrina almost dropped the flour. "Um, we’re fine, I guess."

  "That’s excellent." She beamed as though she had a personal stake in the success of their relationship.

  "Have you spoken to Alec?"

  "Only recently. The dear boy hired someone to come out for a year and mow my yard. Not that I’ll need it during winter."

  "I never mow in the winter either."

  "Your mother used to."

  Perfectionism at its worst. She grimaced. "Yes, she did."

  "She used to talk to me about you."

  Katrina slid the flour onto the second shelf and closed the door. "Really?" She turned around and leaned against the counter, intrigued.

  Ms. Lincoln nodded, still grinning. "What a little hoyden you were. Climbing trees, catching fish. But you never back-talked. Your mother told you to be in at a certain time, you were. She was afraid you lacked spirit." She paused. "She was afraid you’d be like her."

  "I’m not." That was one thing Katrina knew. She lifted her chin.

  Her elderly neighbor chuckled. "No, you put more emotion in those two words than your mother did in a lifetime of living. My point is, trust yourself. If you feel love for Alec, go with it. Let God lead you."

  "I’m trying to."

  "Posh. Living is doing."

  Ms. Douglas hopped back into the kitchen, saving Katrina from having to reply.

  That night, Ms. Lincoln’s words weighted Katrina’s thoughts. It should have been the burden of knowing someone deliberately started a fire in her building keeping her awake. Arson investigators had concluded that the fire began in her store and then spread to the pizza place.

  That knowledge should’ve perched heavy on her shoulders, but it didn’t.

  She hadn’t called Alec, even though she told him in the car the night before that she would. Instead, she tossed in her bed, the sheet a cotton bond twisting around her limbs.

  To choose to trust. It wasn’t something she’d considered. Yes, she was trying to trust Alec. Despite her good intentions, however, she’d been relying heavily on her feelings.

  But to choose.


  Wasn’t that how her relationship with God began? A small step out, reaching and hoping that despite the wounds, He cared for her and longed to heal her?

  Would love be different? Alec wanted her. She’d seen him kind, gentle, willing to forgive. At least where Joey was concerned.

  Oh, Lord, help me figure out my path. Light the way for me. Please keep me from foolishness. I love you, Jesus. You’ve been with me through so much. Thank you.

  She closed her eyes in the already darkened room and quieted her thoughts, hoping for once to hear His gentle whisper.

  *****

  "You never called me."

  "I’m sorry." Katrina avoided Alec’s scrutiny by focusing on the small weeds in her plant bed.

  "Your store is in an ashy heap."

  "Really?"

  "Cut the sarcasm. Yesterday I didn’t hear from you. Today I find you pulling imaginary weeds when you should be making phone calls and getting stuff in order."

  "Everything’s done, Alec. You can go home and I’ll send you part of the insurance check." She looked up.

  And hated the stillness of his face, because it meant he was trying to hide his feelings. Whatever they might be.

  "I’m just about finished. Why don’t you start some tea to warm us up," she said.

  With a curt nod, he spun around and went into the house. Katrina shivered and glanced up at the sky. Endless gray clouds hovered over the trees. Less than a month until Christmas. Would she be alone again this year?

  She stood, brushed off the knees of her jeans and then went inside. She washed her hands at the sink while the water heated in the microwave, then toweled them dry. Alec had set a teabag on the counter.

  "Thank you," she said.

  He leaned against the fridge, face unreadable.

  The microwave beeped and Katrina took a cup out, set it on the counter and dropped the bag in. "You can help yourself to anything you want."

  "I’m good."

  Katrina felt his eyes on her but didn’t face him. She swirled the teabag around, watching the water change and glide.

  "What are you going to do about Kat’s Korner?"

  "I don’t know, Alec."

  "You know, but you’re not telling."

  "Yeah, it’s a big secret." She spun and locked eyes with him. "You’re my partner. I’m not going to play mind games with you."

  "Okay." He held up a hand in surrender. "Just guessing."

  Her tension eased, replaced by heated cheeks. Being snappy wouldn’t help anyone. She pulled the teabag out of her cup and tossed it in the garbage. She walked into the living room, clutching her mug. He followed. She plunked down on the couch. "I’m sorry for being short with you. What do you think I should do?"

  Alec took the recliner, leaning forward and resting his elbows on his knees. "Grant said it’s arson. The force is looking for Steve as a prime suspect. I suggest you reconsider renewing your lease."

  "First I have to wait and see if the owner of the building even wants to rebuild."

  "Supposing he does, do you really want to open a failing business?"

  His question made her teeth grind. He was right. As much as she loved Kat’s Korner, it had never garnered the business it needed to succeed. And he was only saying what she'd been considering herself.

  "Once the insurance check comes in," she said, "I’ll pay off my loans and any bills, then decide."

  "I don’t want to pressure you. This needs to be your choice."

  "What happened to the whole "we’re partners" thing?"

  "Still there. I’m just taking a different tactic." His face relaxed into a crooked grin and Katrina felt her resolve melting away.

  "I don’t know what to do. Right now I’m trying to trust God to show me what to do. What He wants for my life."

  Alec’s head cocked to the side, questioning. She fiddled with her cup, then shrugged.

  "You were right. I was mad at God. But I’m done now. It was silly to think He’d left me, to be angry with Him over something someone else did."

  "I’m not sure it’s silly."

  "Maybe that’s the wrong word. Just, I don’t know. He’s always been there for me but I stopped looking for Him. I wanted to hear Him speak, but I never listened for His voice. Does that make any kind of sense?" She peered at him, hoping she didn’t sound like a religious nutcase.

  "That makes perfect sense to me."

  By the way he said it, she could tell he was completely sincere. Relief lightened her shoulders.

  Alec jerked his head toward the collection of wildlife photographs littering the surface of her coffee table. "Whose photos?"

  "Remember Gladys from the ring toss at the Fall Festival? I was hoping to feature her photography on the empty wall. Try to draw the tourists in."

  His brows lowered. "That’s not a bad idea."

  "Well, it won’t do any good now. She had agreed to let me use a few at first to see how it goes. Probably nature scenes. The river, mostly, for tourists to take home."

  "It might work."

  "Not without a store."

  "There’s a reason I came back, Katrina."

  She caught the serious note in his voice and froze.

  "I’ve been meaning to speak to you about that." She leaned forward and set her mug gently on the coffee table. She met his eyes, the solid gold of them and wet her lower lip. "I know you want to marry me."

  His brow lifted.

  Her heart thumped, afraid to hear the answer. "But what exactly do you feel for me?"

  CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

  What was she talking about? Alec debated how to answer her, aware of her silent scrutiny. Hadn’t he told her how he felt?

  He leaned back into the recliner and sighed. "I want you to marry me. How much plainer can my feelings get?"

  A shadow crossed her face. Annoyed, he steepled his fingers and frowned. "We need to talk about the store first, then we can discuss feelings. If you featured art, you’d probably draw in a lot more people. Is this woman reliable?"

  "She’d only do a few at first, to see if it worked." Katrina’s hands twisted in her lap.

  Alec’s frown deepened. What was wrong with her? Kat’s Korner was gone, intentionally sabotaged, but that didn’t explain the worried crease between her eyes.

  If there was one thing Alec hated, it was feeling helpless. His entire childhood had been spent that way, but never again. He was in control.

  No, son. I’m in control.

  The quiet reminder shook him. He took a deep breath and focused on Katrina, letting the softness in his chest turn his voice tender. "What can I do, Kitty, to make you smile?"

  Her eyes widened. "What do you mean? I’m fine. There’s just so many decisions to make, so many unknowns."

  "We like life carefully ordered, don’t we?"

  "We do." A faint flash of humor lit her eyes before dying away.

  "A righteous man’s steps are ordered by the Lord," Alec quoted, surprised he remembered the verse learned the only summer he’d attended vacation bible school.

  "That’s right." Katrina cocked her head, lips pursed. "You really are a Christian, aren’t you?"

  "Of course." Resentment burned in his chest.

  Katrina flushed at his tone. "I’m sorry. All these months my emotions have been like a seesaw. I haven’t known what to believe."

  "You could believe me for once."

  "I could." The soft flush on her cheeks deepened. Alec wanted to hold her and tell her that everything would be all right. He wanted to beg her to marry him, to be with him forever.

  But twice was enough. If she wanted him, she’d have to make the next move. He had to trust God to order his steps this time, instead of bowing to his emotions.

  Katrina unclasped her hands and smoothed a curl away from her eyes.

  "When we were kids," she said, "you had so much pride. And such a temper. You believed in justice, even if you had to make it yourself. Some called it revenge." She gave him a small half-smile. "Your mom
left a lot to be desired in the love department. At least mine physically cared for me."

  "Where are you going with this?" Alec swiped his hand through the air.

  "I don’t know. I’m just remembering how much I loved you."

  "But now?"

  "But nothing. I still love you." She pressed her lips together and he saw the way her fingers white-knuckled. "I want us to have a future together."

  It was the last thing he’d expected her to say. He schooled his features to carefully stay blank. His pulse pounded against his eardrums. She loved him.

  "You’ll marry me?" He held his breath, surprised at how painful the waiting for her answer was.

  Katrina nodded. Panic flooded her, drowning out her earlier confidence that God wanted her with Alec. A lifetime commitment. No backing out.

  "Yes," she said, fear numbing her lips even as she spoke.

  "Good then." Alec’s shoulders dropped as though a burden had been lifted from them. A grin spread across his face. "We’ll make plans after we deal with the store." Alec began to launch a plan for saving Kat’s Korner.

  "No, wait!" She ignored the surprise on his face when she interrupted his verbal outline. "I don’t want to renew my lease." The spontaneous admission rang with sincerity. She sank back, surprised at the truth.

  "You don’t want Kat’s Korner." Disbelief etched lines across his features.

  "No. I’ll move to New York with you."

  "You’re sure?"

  "Yes."

  "You’ve been through a lot." His fingers threaded through his hair. "Agreeing to marry me, well, that’s more than I’d hoped for. But don’t you want to wait a few days before making another big decision?"

  "No, I've been thinking about things for a while now." She stood and crossed her arms. "It’s time for a change."

  Alec rose and walked to her. He towered above her, strong and firm. His eyes were clear as they looked down at her. "If this is what you want. . ."

  "It is." Lifting her chin, she waited.

  Something close to concern flickered across his face. "Call me later. I need to settle some things in New York."

  He headed to the front door and she followed, feet leaden, the enormity of her decisions dragging her in their wake. "You’re leaving?"