Right Now

by Marie Hall

  “It’s not what you think. This isn’t a party really, Alex. This is time to get things straight. This is time to face the truth. He’s dying, Alex. Please.”

  Her plea made me suck in a sharp breath because I felt like a boy all over again, a little boy who only wanted to please his mother, who desperately wanted his parents’ approval. There were tears in her voice. I heard the strain and all I could do was shake my head against the doorframe.

  “I saw that girl at the movie. Who is she?”

  Closing my eyes, I took a second to gather myself. Why was she doing this? Why now? Why couldn’t she just keep pretending like we’d been pretending our whole lives?

  “Did you follow us, Mom?”

  “No. I swear. I was at the movies that night too, I saw you, and I saw her, and she’s so beautiful, Alex. You looked so happy. I haven’t seen you look like that in…” Her voice caught on the last words and she stopped talking, heavy breaths the only thing I heard over the line.

  I’d never seen or heard my mother cry in her life, and now in a matter of a few weeks I was seeing her fall apart over and over. I wasn’t used to this, wasn’t sure how to handle this mom.

  “Does she…” She paused for a moment. “Does she know the truth?”

  I nodded. “Yes, Mom, she knows.”

  “Do you love her?” The question seemed hard for her, it came out choppy and stuttered and it was on the tip of my tongue to deny it just because it was easier to do. But I was done lying.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  I heard her swallow. “I’m so happy for you, son. And I think… I think you should bring her too.”

  “No.” I didn’t even have to think about it. It was one thing for Zoe to know the truth; it was another to ask her to walk into the lion’s den.

  “Alex, we’ve lost so many years. I don’t want to lose anymore. If she’s important to you, then she’s important to me and I owe her an apology too.”

  Brushing my hair with my hand, I shook my head. “I gotta go, Mom. I’ll talk with you later.”

  ~*~

  Zoe

  Friday was here and I was sitting in the psychiatrist’s office, and I couldn’t believe the sick feeling slinking through my gut. I was nervous as hell, not sure what to expect or say.

  The doctor wasn’t at all what I’d expected. Not that I’d given it much thought to be honest, but the sweet, grandmotherly type staring up at me was definitely not what I’d pictured. Alex nodded and patted the seat next to him as I sat on the bright green couch.

  He was clenching his jaw and wringing his hands, and when I sat, I grabbed the hand nearest me and gave it a tender squeeze. His smile was tight but there.

  “Thank you, Zoe, for agreeing to come.”

  The doctor’s voice was thick with a Spanish accent, but her eyes made me think of Obasaan’s. Like there wasn’t much she missed. I sat up straighter.

  “No problem.” I crossed my legs, causing the golden anklet on my heel to chime.

  Wiping his palms down his jeans, Alex looked at her. “So, what do we talk about today?”

  The doctor sat on a beige Victorian-era-looking chair and crossed her legs daintily. “Anything you want,” she said with an easygoing smile as she brushed the salt-and-pepper bangs out of her dark eyes.

  The tension was thick and growing thicker. We might be sitting next to each other, but I felt him straining away from me as if he wished to be anywhere but here. Putting myself into his shoes for a second, I got it. This couldn’t be easy, and he was taking a huge risk bringing me into his life this way. I smiled and leaned into him a little, realizing without his even saying so that Alex considered us something more than just a fling.

  “Why are you smiling, Zoe?” Dr. Alvarez asked.

  Let the psychoanalyzing begin. “Because I think that Alex bringing me here is a big step in our relationship.”

  His lips pursed and I rubbed his thigh, but he wouldn’t look at me, just stared straight ahead without blinking.

  “And how would you define your relationship?” she asked.

  “Different,” I said after a minute pause.

  “Alex was concerned that you wouldn’t be able to handle his past, what his father’s done.” Dr. Alvarez looked at Alex as if silently asking him whether I now knew.

  I nodded, still sensing Alex wasn’t ready to talk.

  “Yes, I know.”

  She nodded and marked something into her notebook. She was a strange little bird. Her room was unlike any doctor’s office I’d ever been in. It was warm and inviting, full of color and life, counterbalanced by the somberness of her attire and hairstyle. She wore a severe bun, the only softness about her was the bangs she kept repeatedly pushing behind her ears.

  “And how does that make you feel?”

  I could pretend to not understand her. As much I really disliked hashing out my thoughts and feelings with someone who wasn’t a friend or relative, I knew Alex needed this. Needed to hear my truth, so I was going to give it to him. I was going to make him see, make him understand. I didn’t care.

  “I feel sad for him. And his cousin. I hurt that they’ve taken on the burden of what John did, but it doesn’t change how I feel.”

  Her smile was barely there, a ghost of one really, but I sort of had a feeling like I’d just aced a test.

  “And how is that?”

  Oh jeez. Was I ready for this? He told me he loved me, and I’d told him the same. But it wasn’t something I was really comfortable talking about with someone I didn’t know. This thing with Alex was so new, and I wasn’t sure how to really define us yet.

  “No answer?” She nudged me.

  Alex sighed. “Don’t push it, Doc. She’s not the one with the issues here. Zoe, here’s the truth.” He turned to me, grabbing my hands between his. “I don’t want you to think anymore that I’m not trying. I brought you here today hoping to prove that to you. I’m fucked up, screwed up, and sometimes a dick, but I’m crazy about you and I just want you to be patient with me.”

  Those were the nicest words anyone had ever spoken to me. A little blunt, but then, that was my cowboy and I could respect that.

  The scratching of her pen broke through my thoughts.

  “So, have you considered going to your father’s barbeque?”

  At her words the soft melty look Alex had been using on me turned hard and brittle and his jaw clenched tight.

  “Alex,” Doc said, “you didn’t tell her?”

  “I told her.” He drilled her with a hard glare.

  She was completely unfazed by him, and for that I had to give the old girl props. I felt better knowing he was in such qualified hands.

  “And what do you think about that, Zoe?” the doctor asked.

  I patted my chest. “Umm.” I glanced at Alex. “This isn’t really my business.”

  Sighing, he turned to me. “It is your business, Zo. I want to know what you think I should do.”

  My stomach turned sour at the thought. “Who’s going to this thing?”

  “My mom, Dad, Ryan’s mom and dad, and possibly even Ryan and Lili.” His lips pressed tight.

  “Oh jeez.” I looked at the doctor with a silent plea to help. I didn’t know what to say to this. It felt a lot like stepping on a land mine. I loved that Alex trusted me with this, but regardless of what he said, I wasn’t really sure he wanted my input. Not really. But the doctor didn’t come to my rescue; she just stared at me with a patient look.

  “They really want you to go?”

  “Actually,” he said it with a growl in his tone, “they want us to come. Mom saw you and me coming out of the theater the other night.”

  Remembering his evasiveness the night we exited the theater and how he’d turned from hot to cold, it totally made sense now. He’d seen his mother. “But I don’t understand. Why does she care if I come? For all she knows, we’re not even that serious.”

  The muscle in his cheek twitched. “She called me. I told her we were. That I
was.”

  My heart felt like it stopped beating in my chest. My fingers went cold, almost numb, and I turned to him. “Are you serious?”

  His fingers grazed my jaw, and he didn’t speak again, but he didn’t have to. Because the truth smacked me in the face from the force of his intense, gunmetal gaze.

  “I don’t think I can go to this thing though, Zo,” he whispered again softly, and it was easy to forget the doctor was in the room with us. She wasn’t making so much as a peep. This was a real and honest conversation. I wasn’t a crier, never had been, but something suspiciously hot was beginning to gather behind my eyelids.

  Turning to the doctor, I cleared my throat. “So since you’re asking what I think, can I assume you want him to go?”

  “I’m not here to tell him what to do. That’s not what I do. Do I think he should go? Yes. I do.” She shrugged. “I think it’s important that he put the ghost to bed.”

  “I don’t see how confronting him is going to fix anything. I can’t look at him without wanting to do something violent. How is that going to help?” Alex said.

  “Have you ever told him how you felt?” the doctor shot back.

  He laughed. The sound of it was full of sarcasm. “Umm. Yeah, any time I see him.”

  “Vitriol is not what I’m talking about. My advice, and obviously this is only that, is that you need to sit down and, without threatening to rip his dick off and shove it down his throat, tell him exactly what you think. How you feel.”

  I could not believe she’d said that and I had to stifle a giggle, mostly because this was a very inappropriate time to laugh. But I liked her more and more and could see that Alex needed someone like her, this balls-to-the-wall, no-bullshit, take-no-prisoners attitude, itty-bitty doctor. The woman could give my grandma a run for her money.

  “What have you told Ryan?” he asked.

  The doctor sighed. “You know I cannot discuss anything that goes on between him and me.”

  For the first time since entering, he cracked a grin. “Can’t blame a man for trying.”

  “Alex?” I whispered.

  “Hmm?” He turned toward me.

  “If you go, I’ll go. I’ll be there for you.”

  His nostrils flared and for a moment he didn’t speak at all. It made me nervous and anxious. My stomach knotted up and I wondered if I’d said the wrong thing.

  “Thank you, Zoe. I’d like that.” Taking my fingers, he kissed the tips and my heart got warm and fuzzy all over again.

  The rest of the hour passed in a blur, and while I had no desire to ever come back, this hadn’t been as bad as I’d feared. For the first time in our relationship, I felt like there was nothing but honesty.

  Chapter 16

  Alex

  Two weeks had passed since Zoe met me at Doctor Alvarez’s office. I’d gone back and forth between going to this damn party and just staying away, but ultimately I’d known what I had to do. I had to explain the truth of it to Ryan, that I hadn’t told Zoe, that she’d guessed it anyway and she wanted to come with me for moral support. He hadn’t really liked it, but he’d reluctantly accepted it, and I appreciated him for that.

  My mouth was dry. I sat in my truck, tapping the wheel anxiously, trying to peer through the closed shutters of my parents’ stylish, sunny-yellow, Cape Cod home, the only one on the block that looked this way.

  Mom had been born and raised on the East Coast and loved the vibe of those kinds of homes. John had bent over backward when I was in high school, scouting out the very few available ones in Austin. It was one of the few memories I had of him doing something for someone other than himself.

  “It’s going to be okay.” Zoe’s hand slid down my thigh. Her outfit was more muted than what she normally wore; today she was wearing a navy-blue-and-white-checkered shirt and what she’d called pedal pushers. I had no idea what that was exactly, but the pants only came to her calves and hugged her slim body. She reminded me of Mary Ann from Gilligan’s Island, and the look was hot in a backwoods kind of way.

  “I can’t do this.”

  “Yes, you can. I’m here.”

  A green Toyota pulled up alongside us and I knew if my palms were sweating and my stomach was heaving and churning like this, Ryan must feel it twice as bad.

  His parents hadn’t even invited him; it’d been my mom. And for reasons I couldn’t fathom, she was the cog moving this entire wheel. I still couldn’t understand why now, why this was so important to her now. Just because John was dying? I knew I should care more than I did, but it was hard for me.

  I must have been clenching the wheel, because suddenly Zoe’s fingers were prying mine up. “Look at me, cowboy.” Her voice was soft and I couldn’t help but do what she said. Eyes the color of molten honey held mine. “What’s the code word?”

  “Code word?” I frowned, staring over her shoulder at Ryan and Lili, who were pretty much having the same conversation. Ryan was shaking his head and swallowing hard, and Lili’s eyes were large and so green that I knew my cousin would get entranced if he stared into them for any amount of time.

  Tipping my jaw with her finger, she forced my gaze back to hers. “Yeah, the word we use when it’s just too much. Because I have a feeling the second we walk in there you’ll say ‘I can’t do this,’ so I want you to think of a word or a phrase that tells me you’re dead serious and it’s time to leave.”

  “Fuck, I don’t know, Zo.” I slumped and leaned my head back against the headrest, staring up at the gray roof and wishing like hell I was anywhere but here. My ears were ringing and my heart was pounding so damn hard. Why? Why couldn’t I just not freak out, be a freaking man about this? Why did just coming here take me right back to being the six-year-old kid who caught his dad doing something disgusting to his cousin?

  “How about ‘it’s freezing out here’?”

  I lifted a brow. “Freezing out here?”

  Shrugging, she asked, “You got a better suggestion?”

  A hard tap at the window made me turn my head. Ryan was pointing for me to roll the window down.

  “Waz up?” I asked with no heart in it.

  Ryan’s face was as grim as I’d ever seen it. To be honest, it sort of scared me, as unmanly as it was to admit it. But I loved him, and I didn’t care that he knew it.

  “We doin’ this or what,” he growled, scrubbing his jaw.

  “Shit.” I heaved a sigh. “Yeah, dammit, we are.”

  “Then get the hell out of the truck—I’m not going in there alone.”

  Lili tiptoed up behind him and slipped her arm around his waist. “You’re not alone.”

  Kissing the crown of her head, he nodded. “I know, angel. But this is something I can’t do without you, man,” he said, turning back to me. “So get out of the fucking truck before I lose my nerve.”

  Zoe threaded her warm fingers through mine, kissed the knuckles, and then hopped out of her side, shutting the door emphatically.

  It was now or never.

  Mustering every ounce of courage I possessed, I slid out of the car. My legs felt like Jell-O, my knees were knocking, and then Zoe was slipping her arm through mine. I wasn’t sure if she was holding me up, but I think without her I might have turned tail and run.

  “I got you too, cowboy.”

  My knuckles grazed the soft skin of her cheek.

  And then there was no more going back because the front door was thrown open and my mom’s slight body was filling it, joy radiating from her smile. The wet sheen of her eyes let me know she was seconds from crying.

  “Don’t,” I snarled when she tried to hug me. Instead, I drew Zoe tighter into my side. “Where is everybody?”

  “Out back.” Her smile faltered. Mom had dyed her hair, I could tell because it was no longer as gray as it’d been the day she showed up at my house. She was wearing khaki shorts and a bright purple tank top.

  Walking into the house was like stepping back in time. Bronze Texas stars of varying sizes covered the walls.
The blond wood furniture with etchings of horseshoes and stars along with the braided red, white, and blue floor rug hadn’t changed since the day I’d left.

  “Ryan.” My mom said softly.

  “Aunt Jane.” His tone was curt and stiff, and Lili just rubbed his back up and down, sticking tight to his side.

  Needing Zoe’s strength, I dropped my head to her shoulder. “Zo,” I whispered in her ear, voice cracking, making me unable to get the rest out.

  “I know, Alex.” She kissed my brow.

  “Before we go into the back, I want you all to know.” My mom straightened her spine and lifted her chin regally, morphing from the pitiful-looking thing to the proud woman I’d once known. “I told everyone that you all were coming and your father,” she said, looking at me as if defying me to deny it, “said that he has something to say.”

  I’m not sure who the choked sound came out of, Ryan or me, but she plowed on as if it’d never happened.

  “All I ask is that you stay long enough to hear him out.”

  “God, I can’t believe you’d ask—”

  “Babe…” Zoe squeezed me. “Remember what Doc said. That’s why we came, right? To get it out.”

  I clamped my lips shut, but already the bile was churning, threatening to drown me. I turned my face to the side.

  “Aunt Jane, you know how I feel about being here. I’m doing this because I have to,” Ryan started. “But I’m not here to play games or to mend fences. I just want to move on.”

  I knew what he was saying, even if no one else did. Ryan was here for one thing. To hear my dirtbag of a father confess, finally. If John didn’t do it, he’d leave.

  She nodded. “He’s dying, Ryan.” Stepping up into him, Mom held his gaze. “This will never make up for what’s been done, I know that. But I do want you to know that no matter what anybody else says out there, I believe you and I love you and I hope someday you can forgive me for my silence.”

  His nostrils flared and I was about two seconds away from doing something completely stupid. Heat prickled behind my eyelids and I had to blink several times to get my traitorous body under control.