At the moment, she didn’t care how anyone else felt. She wanted to speak her mind and be heard. Before any of them could chastise her for speaking like she did—or begin to argue yet again—she stood and started talking fast.
“Roman, yes, please do speak to the bishop about this surgery. But I’m not saying I’m going to do it. I may not.” Actually, right at this moment, she didn’t want to have the surgery.
“But—”
She neatly cut him off. “We don’t need to talk about this, Roman.”
“You’re making a mistake,” Viola warned.
“Nee. I don’t think so.” She took a deep breath, feeling braver by the second. “Actually, I think it is time for me to make some decisions, especially since it concerns my eyes.”
“But, Elsie,” her mother said, “I don’t think you’re thinking through things clearly. You need our help.”
Ironically, Elsie felt as if for the first time she was actually thinking with a clear head.
While it was true she couldn’t see well, she realized that was really all that was wrong. She was just as capable and strong as the rest of the family. And maybe even more so, too, because she’d been living with a disability while everyone else had not.
Indeed, no matter what happened, she would be the person who had to live with the consequences and repercussions.
Weighing her words carefully, she said, “Mamm, Daed, right now, I can’t help but think about Mommi and Dawdi. They both made decisions that none of us knew about for years and years and years.”
“But they regret that,” her father said.
“Do they? Do you think they would have changed things all that much if they could do it again? Something tells me that Mommi and Dawdi are glad they got married. They are glad that they stayed Amish. I think they’re glad they didn’t burden their children with their pasts, either.” She shrugged.
Viola, ever impatient, scowled. “Twin, what does this have to do with you getting new corneas?”
“They made their choices and, for better or worse, they’ve lived with them. No matter what I decide to do, it will affect the rest of my life. It sounds like both Mommi and Dawdi did things that their parents and siblings didn’t understand, but they did them anyway.”
“That doesn’t mean you have to act the same way,” her mother said.
“I realize that. But I also realize that at the end of each day, when they said their prayers at night, they had to live with their decision. For better or worse, at the very least they knew that the things they decided were what they wanted, not what someone else thought they should do. That is what I need. I need to be able to go to sleep, feeling at peace with myself.”
Taking a deep breath, she continued. “I need to know that even if I’m not proud of my decision—or if you aren’t proud—that I did it because it was what I wanted. What I needed. I need to be able to stare in the dark and know I did what I wanted—not because I wanted to make the rest of you happy.”
She turned and left them, stumbling a bit on the edge of a chair before she climbed the stairs and slowly made her way to her bedroom.
Finally, she realized. Finally, she’d grown up. It had only taken twenty-two years.
chapter twenty-three
“Nice of you to show up today,” Daniel said when Landon entered their office a little after three in the afternoon.
After his adventure with Elsie, Landon had gone home and taken a short twenty-minute walk around his property. He needed some time alone to decompress and think about everything that had just happened. And to give thanks to the Lord for the many blessings He’d given them.
He was still amazed that Elsie could one day be perfectly fine.
And now that he was certain she was going to see one day? That erased the last of his doubts about marriage. Elsie was most definitely going to be the perfect wife for him.
Eager to discuss Elsie and the doctor’s news, he’d hitched up his buggy and drove to the office.
But obviously his brother wasn’t quite ready to hear his good news. “I’m not that late, Daniel.”
“Late enough. Landon, you said you’d only be gone the morning. It’s almost closing time.”
“We rarely work nine to five. Don’t act like I don’t put in my time at other hours. What can I help you with?”
Daniel held up a stack of folders. “All of this. I’ve been trying to settle accounts and schedule jobs. It’s making me crazy.”
Landon hid a smile. His brother’s strengths centered on working with his hands and organizing teams—not numbers or the hundred details that needed to be double-checked before each job began or was billed.
“Hand it all over. I’ll work on it here for a while, and take home the rest.”
“Danke.” Looking a bit sheepish, Daniel said, “Sorry. You know how much I hate paperwork.”
“I know.” Taking a seat at their long conference table, Landon began organizing the folders by date. “Sometimes I wonder how you got so much done before I got here.”
“Edith helped.”
“Your Edith is a good woman.” Landon opened the top folder, picked up a pencil, and began carefully reading about the job, what materials had already been ordered, and what still needed to be taken care of. He enjoyed the work, and enjoyed making sense of so much that his brother considered gibberish.
“So, what did the doktah say?”
“That her eyes have gotten worse, but there’s a chance she could see much better with surgery.”
“Truly?”
Daniel’s surprise was palpable and he scooted back from his work.
“Jah. God is so gut! I was trying to make sense of having Elsie as a wife even though she would always be visually impaired, but now it seems that may not be the case.”
Daniel slapped him on the back. “I’m pleased for ya. This is mighty gut news, indeed. When is the operation?”
“I don’t know.” Feeling a bit awkward, he added, “Actually, she hasn’t decided to move forward with the operation a hundred percent. She wanted to talk to her family first.”
“That makes sense, but surely they would be all for the operation. I imagine it will be costly, but I bet everyone we know will help pitch in for the bills.”
Roman nodded. “We can do a charity auction, too. Maybe even a couple of bake sales.”
“We’ll all do what we can to make things as easy as possible for her and her family, for sure.” Grinning, Daniel slapped him on the back again. “This is truly a blessing for ya, Landon. Why, if Elsie can see, she won’t be a burden for you.”
Something about his brother’s words sounded too harsh. “It’s not quite like that. She’s not a burden now.”
“You know what I mean. I meant that she’ll be a normal woman now.”
That sounded even worse—partly because Landon realized that he’d thought just about the same thing. “She is normal.”
Daniel looked like he was about to argue, then took a long look at him and held up his hands in mock resignation. “Sorry. I can see that you’re not going to be happy with anything that I say about this. I’ll just say that I hope to meet her soon. Remember that we asked you to bring her over?”
“I remember. How about tomorrow night, if it’s okay with Elsie? Will that work for Edith, do ya think?”
“It should be fine. Hey, who would have thought that we’d end up like this? Here we are, having to check with our women to even plan a meal!”
Put that way, Landon had to agree that it was something that would have sounded far-fetched even five years ago. “Mamm and Daed would get a bigger kick out of this than we are.”
“I’ll say. Mamm spent half her time trying to get us to come inside for supper.”
Feeling better and more at ease, Landon went back to his paperwork. Finally, he felt that he was getting everything he’d dreamed about when he’d started to make plans to come to Berlin. He wanted to work beside his brother, have his own little plot of land, and find
a woman to have by his side for the next twenty or thirty years.
Now it seemed as if it was all coming together better than he’d ever imagined.
Lovina felt as if they were long-lost celebrities in their own hometown. No matter where they went, once their names were given and their connections recalled, she and Aaron were greeted with hearty handshakes, slaps on the back, and welcoming smiles.
She’d been stunned, as had Aaron. They’d had many talks, imagining how everyone had either forgotten them or still held on to bitter feelings about the way they’d left their community and had chosen to stay out of touch.
Little by little, they’d found themselves sharing more about their lives. Talking about Ohio and their six children. Proudly talking about their many grandchildren.
And reaching out to others, too.
By her side, Aaron seemed to smile more. She’d occasionally glimpse a side of him that she’d first been enchanted with all those years ago.
But now, as they exited the taxicab and walked toward the front walk of Karl’s house, Lovina knew it would be difficult to say who was more nervous or uneasy.
“I sure wish we had a way to leave easily,” she joked. Since the taxi had left, they were going to have to walk several miles if no one at the Swartz house was willing to give them a ride back to the inn.
“Jah, this visit puts a whole new perspective on putting faith in others, don’tcha think?”
“Do . . . Do you wish you would have asked someone to join us?”
“Nee. This is between me and Karl. And you, of course.”
Aaron would probably never have any idea what his words meant to her. For most of their married life, she’d felt disconnected from Aaron’s first life. He kept silent about his first wife and child, but she knew he harbored regrets and feelings that he kept from her. But lately, it seemed like they were growing closer to each other, culminating in this very moment, where they were standing together, ready to meet his worst fears head-on.
With that in mind, she stepped forward and knocked. “Let’s get this over with then.”
A step behind her, he eyed the door like it might bite him. “It is time.”
Before they could say anything more, the door was opened by a man almost as old as them.
She didn’t recognize him, of course. But by Aaron’s sudden tensing of muscles she knew that the man had to be Laura Beth’s brother.
After a few seconds’ pause, it was obvious that he knew who Aaron was. A brief intake of air was followed by a look of surprise and disbelief.
And quickly followed by an ugly scowl. “Aaron Keim. I never thought I’d see your face again.”
“I wanted to see you, Karl.”
“Why?”
“Because we have a lot to talk about.”
“I don’t think so.”
To Lovina’s amazement, her husband smiled. “Karl Swartz, you’ve sent me letters for well on forty years, blaming me for Laura Beth’s death. Did you never think we’d meet again?”
Karl didn’t say anything. Instead, he gripped the side of the door more tightly, as if he was considering shutting it in their faces.
Lovina felt herself aching to say something, to say anything to ease the tension between them. But for the life of her, she could think of nothing that would make Aaron’s job easier to bear.
“I didn’t kill Laura Beth and Ben, Karl.”
“You were driving the buggy.”
“I was.”
“And you were arguing. You were yelling at her.” He was visibly upset. The skin covering his jaw tightened, turning his haunted expression into something more pained. “That is the last memory I have of my sister, Aaron. And of my nephew. Of her cringing while you yelled at her. Of your boy sitting silently, watching the exchange. That is not how their last moments on earth should have been.”
“I agree,” Aaron said quietly.
Karl blinked. “What? You’re not going to deny what you did? You’re not going to deny what happened?”
“I can’t. It was a terrible thing. Those last moments will continue to haunt me, just as they always have. But what happened was an accident.”
“Are there such things as accidents?”
“I hope and pray so,” Aaron replied solemnly. “I couldn’t bear the idea that Laura Beth and Ben were meant to die that day.”
Lovina noticed something flicker in Karl’s eyes, right as the door opened wider behind him.
“What is going on?” a man asked before narrowing his eyes at the two of them. “Aaron Keim, is that you?”
“Jah. And this is my wife, Lovina.”
“New wife,” Karl grumbled.
As the newcomer’s eyes widened, Lovina noticed that Aaron looked even more uncomfortable. “Um . . . How are you, John?”
“I’m surprised to see you, that’s how I am. But happy, too.” After shaking both their hands, he turned to his brother. “Karl, why are Aaron and Lovina standing out here on the front porch?”
“They aren’t welcome inside.”
“That’s nonsense!” Looking confused, John opened the door and shuttled them all inside. “What in the world are you talking about? Aaron is family.”
“He is not,” Karl snapped.
As they walked into a small, neat living room with several sheets covering the furniture, Lovina bit her lip so she wouldn’t say anything, but she ached to tell John the whole story.
Her husband looked completely stunned. “John, do you not share Karl’s anger?”
“About what?”
“You . . . You don’t still blame me for Laura Beth’s and Ben’s deaths?”
“What? That was forty years ago. And they were your son and wife! Of course, we don’t blame you. I can’t imagine that you would think we would hold such a grudge.” He rubbed a hand along his graying beard. “Is that why you haven’t stayed in touch?”
Now Karl remained silent, but Lovina could tell he disagreed with his brother completely. And, she realized, it was becoming obvious that he’d been writing to Aaron secretly all this time.
Lovina couldn’t hold her tongue any longer. “For forty years, Karl here has sent Aaron hateful notes, reminding him about their deaths.”
John’s eyes widened. “Can this be true, Karl?”
“They weren’t hateful. There were merely reminders of what happened.”
“As if I could ever forget,” Aaron said dryly.
When John stared at her again, Lovina said, “Every year on the anniversary of their deaths, he’s sent my husband the news clipping of the accident, along with a note that says it’s all his fault.”
John visibly paled. “Please sit down. We need to talk this out.” When Aaron hesitated he said, “For what it’s worth, we haven’t kept in contact because you never answered our letters.”
“I never got any letters from you. I only received Karl’s. I thought all of you felt the same way.”
A shadow appeared in John’s eyes. “It sounds like Karl has done some things we never knew about. Aaron, I, ah . . . I promise you, we all grieved with you. The whole family did. We knew how happy you were together. We knew how happy you made Laura Beth. And you were a wonderful father to Ben.”
Lovina noticed that John was looking very determined to not look at his brother. She hoped that Aaron was noticing it, too. Goodness, could the impossible be true? Had Laura Beth’s family really not been aware of Karl’s hateful notes?
Had they not been feeling the same way as Karl at all?
When she glanced at her husband, she realized that he was stunned.
Well, perhaps it was time to help a bit. “Danke. We’d enjoy visiting with you.” She took a seat on a sofa.
After a moment, Aaron followed. He looked like he was in a daze, but she knew what that was like. It was hard for a man to look at his ghosts up close and personal. And this moment was everything he’d looked forward to and dreaded at the same time.
And after such a long time, there was no c
hoice but to feel awkward and hesitant.
But that was why they’d come on this journey together, she decided. After all this time, it was still possible to face the past. Even discovering that everything hadn’t been quite the way they’d envisioned it to be was worth everything.
The truth always was.
chapter twenty-four
Still groggy after tossing and turning all night, Elsie stayed in bed when her sister rose at dawn.
She lay with her eyes closed as Viola got dressed, neatly plaited her hair, and pinned on her kapp. She didn’t even move when her sister paused at her bedside.
Only when she heard the door close and Viola’s footsteps fade away did Elsie dare to open her eyes.
There, in the hazy light of dawn, she met her imperfections head-on. Almost everything in the room was blurry and out of focus. It was uncomfortable and a bit disconcerting to notice that there was a part of her that still hoped her eyesight would somehow miraculously get better.
Sitting up, she pulled the quilt up around her chest and tried to imagine a different life, or at least a different way of viewing it.
Would she be happier if everything she looked at was perfectly clear?
She wasn’t sure. Did one need perfection for happiness? Or was she simply thinking about things the wrong way? Maybe she should concentrate on the operation itself.
Should she take advantage of science and the doctor’s medical knowledge? God had given scientists and doctors the ability to heal the problem with her eyes. Was it wrong to not want to take advantage of it?
But what if she was afraid to have a transplant surgery? Was that a bad thing? She just didn’t know.
She was still weighing the pros and cons of it all when her door opened and her mother poked her head in. “Elsie?”
“I’m here, Mamm. Just being lazy.”
“I was hoping you’d still be in bed,” she said as she closed the door behind her. “I wanted the chance to talk to you, just the two of us.”
“Oh?”
She sat on the side of Elsie’s bed. “Are you still upset with everyone?”
“I wasn’t upset. I simply wanted to be heard.”
Eventide: The Days of Redemption Series, Book Three Page 16
