“That seems to be our downfall, ain’t so?” her mother mused. “We are a family of talkers.”
“Some of us are,” Elsie said dryly.
Her mother smiled. “Perhaps. Elsie, there’s no sense in me beating around the bush. I wanted to talk to you about the transplant surgery.”
“Yes?”
“What have you decided to do?”
Surprised to be asked instead of told what to do, Elsie said slowly, “I haven’t made a decision yet.”
“You haven’t?”
She didn’t want to ask her mother for her opinion. After all, she’d just told everyone that she needed to decide this for herself.
But this was her mother, and now that they were sitting alone together, Elsie realized that she needed to hear her mother’s thoughts. “Mamm, what do you think?”
“You know what? I think you were right to say what you did yesterday. In the end, it doesn’t really matter what I want or what I think.”
“I’m sorry I was rude yesterday.”
Her mother laughed softly. “Perhaps you were. But we weren’t listening, you know. Sometimes even the best of us has to lose patience every now and then.”
“I’m ready to listen to you now.”
Fingering the diamond pattern stitched neatly in Elsie’s quilt, her mother murmured, “Well, I will tell you that I have a whole new appreciation for people who struggle with a part of their body that doesn’t work like it should. Having pneumonia made me realize that none of us are as strong as we think we are. I tried to do too much, even when I knew I didn’t feel good.”
She crossed her legs. “And even when I knew I should rest or at least try to get some medicine . . . Instead of doing those things, I pretended I was okay.”
“I’ve done that,” Elsie blurted.
Her mother stilled. “You’ve done what?”
“I’ve pretended that I could see better than I could. I’ve also pretended that I don’t mind not being able to see,” she confessed.
“Here’s the million-dollar question: Does your failing eyesight bother you?”
“Of course it does. And it scares me, too. I get sad when I think about living the rest of my life in the dark.”
“Anyone would feel that way,” her mother soothed. “That is nothing to be ashamed about.”
“I don’t want to live being sad or depressed, Mamm. I want to be the type of person who shows the rest of the world her best. Even if my best is being visually impaired, I don’t want to hide behind my insecurities. I want to shine through in spite of them.”
“It sounds like you’d rather live at peace with your disability than constantly wish for things to be different. ”
Slowly, Elsie nodded. “I’ve spent almost ten years preparing for Dr. Palmer’s diagnosis, Mamm. I had pretty much made peace with it. I mean, I thought I had.”
“Until this very moment, I don’t think I ever truly realized how strong you are, Elsie. You make me so proud.”
The praise was gratifying. But it didn’t change the fact that she had so much to overcome, both inside herself and with her disability.
But perhaps God was showing her yet again that there was no need to be so impatient for everything to be “right.” Here, her mother was patiently listening to her discuss the pros and cons of her future—not pressing her to make a choice right away.
“Elsie, no matter what you decide to do, please don’t forget that you have a whole family who is eager to lend a hand. Not to do things for you, but to help you do them. There’s a difference, you know.”
“I hear you, Mamm.”
She got off the bed and stretched a bit. “Goodness, but I can’t wait until I get my full strength back. I seem to always be so tired.”
“Perhaps you, too, shouldn’t forget to let us help you.”
She chuckled at that. “It seems I need to learn to listen to my advice!”
When Elsie was alone again, she crawled out of bed, then looked around the room, straining her eyes to see through the blurriness. Then, she closed her eyes and turned in a circle, trying to determine how much she would one day miss what little sight she had. For the first time, she relaxed and quit fighting her fear.
As she became more aware of what she could hear, of the air brushing against her bare ankles, she realized that she wasn’t as flustered or upset as she imagined she would be. It was as if her body had already accepted that her eyes didn’t work well and had begun to make up for it in other ways.
She was going to be okay.
With that knowledge came a curious sense of relief. Instead of concentrating on the pressure around her eyes, instead of feeling frustrated and disappointed that she couldn’t do something most others could, she felt curiously free.
Liberated.
As if she’d finally delivered herself into God’s hands.
After they’d left the Swartzes’ house, Lovina and Aaron had gone back to their hotel. For most of the evening, Aaron had stayed particularly quiet, and Lovina let him have his peace.
She imagined it was difficult for him to match the reality of their visit to Karl with what he’d dreaded all this time.
In the morning, over a breakfast of hot biscuits and sausage, eggs and cinnamon rolls, they discussed it some more. “I still can’t believe Laura Beth’s whole family doesn’t hate me,” Aaron confided with a shake of his head. “On our way there, I was prepared to have the door slammed in our faces.”
Lovina thought about that. “You know, Aaron, when you first told me about Laura Beth and Ben, I don’t remember you saying that her whole family blamed you. Was that really the case?”
Looking surprised, he shook his head. “I don’t remember any of them blaming me. Of course, I was so grief-stricken that it was all a blur. But, Lovina, I truly didn’t feel like I had caused the accident.” He paused to sip his orange juice. “You know, it was only after I had received Karl’s letters for years that I began to feel that all of Laura Beth’s family blamed me.”
“Folks say time heals all wounds, but that ain’t always the case, is it?”
“Nee. Sometimes it seems to make those problems even more pronounced and difficult to handle.”
Lovina thought about that. Then she thought about Jack. About how much that boy had meant to her for a brief amount of time . . . and how she’d made his memory into something much different from the way he’d really been.
She knew why she’d exaggerated his good points and minimized his faults over the years, too. She’d needed him to be a better person than he was in order for her to feel better about herself, too.
If she had faced her own faults—that she’d made foolish choices with a boy she hadn’t really known all that well, she’d have to come to terms with the fact that she couldn’t blame anyone other than herself for her pain.
When her husband finished his eggs, he pushed his plate aside. “Are you ready to visit your old neighborhood now?”
“Not especially. I don’t think it will serve any purpose since my parents are in Wisconsin. Plus, the friends I did have drifted off long ago when they discovered the lifestyle I chose.”
“I still think we need to stop by, if for no other reason than you should see your old house.”
“I suppose I would like that,” she mused. “It was a nice home for me.”
Aaron’s gaze softened. “You know, Lovina, I don’t think I ever truly realized the sacrifices you made to leave everything behind. Leaving Pennsylvania and your family was difficult.”
“Leaving it all wasn’t a sacrifice. At least it didn’t feel that way at the time. I wanted to be with you, Aaron.”
“Did you love me back then?”
“I think I did.”
When his eyebrows rose in surprise, she chuckled. “It was a long time ago, Aaron. And, to be truthful, we didn’t know each other all that well. Did you love me when we first married?”
“I wanted to.”
Almost as soon as he said the wor
ds, his cheeks started to pinken. He looked embarrassed about his honesty.
But she thought that was probably one of the kindest things he’d ever told her. “This probably won’t make sense, but I feel better about our past now.”
“Really?”
“Jah. Before, I was always sure that I could have done things better, that I could have been a better wife and mother. That I could have made my parents learn to accept me and my decision. But now? I am starting to believe in myself. I’m starting to realize that I really did do the best I could all those years ago. I did my best, and that is all anyone can ever ask for.”
“You were asking for more of yourself than you were able to give,” Aaron said.
“Yes. I was asking for too much from myself . . . and not enough from others.” It was a surprising comment for her to make. But it felt right, too.
“Let’s go see my old haus, Aaron. I’m ready to see it . . . and then to go home to Ohio.”
chapter twenty-five
“Landon, I’m mighty excited to meet your bruder and his wife. Her name’s Edith, didn’t you say?”
Before he could answer, Elsie continued in a rush—the same way she’d been chattering ever since he’d helped her into the buggy. “Oh! And their kinner, of course. They’re twin boys, jah?”
“Jah.” Landon couldn’t help but steal another glance at Elsie as his horse clip-clopped down the nearly empty streets between her family’s home and his brother’s house. Though it was dark outside, the lantern on the back of the buggy cast a glow around them, illuminating Elsie’s smile. She looked so happy—the way he felt inside.
“I think you’re going to like Daniel and his family,” he said easily. “I know they’ll like you.”
“I hope so.”
“I know so,” he countered, just to see her smile again. “We’re almost there. Five minutes at the most.”
When Elsie relaxed against him, he gave in to temptation and glanced at her again.
He was so proud of her. Though she hadn’t mentioned her doctor’s visit or her eye problems once since he’d picked her up, he knew it had to be weighing on her mind. He knew if a doctor had recommended such a surgery to him, it would be all he could think about or want to talk about.
However, Elsie was made from a different cut of cloth, he thought as he guided the horse up Daniel’s driveway. She obviously wasn’t going to let her worries about the upcoming operation dim her mood.
After pulling the buggy to a stop, Landon walked around to help Elsie out.
“Danke,” she said when he reached her side. “Usually I try to climb down on my own, but I don’t want to risk falling right in front of your brother and sister-in-law.”
“I don’t mind helping you at all,” he said, realizing how much he meant his words. He liked reaching up and resting one of his hands around her waist while taking her hand with the other. Most of all, he liked how she trusted him to help her. It made him feel strong and sure, like he could do most anything.
As he swung her down, he felt her tremble. Was she nervous about meeting his brother? Or, was it for a far different reason? Was she feeling the same tension between them that he was?
When her feet were steady on the ground, he touched her cheek lightly with the pad of his thumb. “Are you okay?”
She looked up at him, her eyes wide. “Jah.”
“Daniel and Edith are easy to get along with. Please don’t be nervous.”
“I won’t be,” she murmured before reaching to pick up her basket filled with rolls from the buggy’s bench seat.
Just as they started toward the door, it opened wide. Then out poured Daniel, Edith, and their twin boys. The boys were barely three and seemed to constantly waver between sticking by their parents’ sides and coaxing each other into mischief.
“Hi, everyone!” Landon called out. “This is Elsie.”
Edith trotted out in front of her boys. “Nice to meet you, Elsie. I’m Edith,” she said with a smile. “Here, let me help you with your basket.”
Before Landon could say another word, the two women were walking into the house together, Edith’s hand curved around Elsie’s elbow. The boys scampered next to them, already asking a dozen questions.
Daniel chuckled as they watched the procession. “And here we thought our women might not get along.”
It felt good to hear Elsie referred to as his. Lately he’d begun to think of her that way, too. She’d become his in his heart before his mind had even made peace with the change. “I guess I was foolish to worry about this dinner,” he said softly. “I just didn’t want her to feel uncomfortable.”
“She’s pretty, Landon. You never mentioned that. All you ever talked about were her vision problems.”
That caught him off guard. Was that really how he’d been thinking of Elsie? By her disability first? “I’m sure I told you she was attractive.”
As they started forward, Daniel gestured to the front steps. “She seems to get around okay even though she can’t really see.”
“She’s not completely blind.”
“Oh, I know you said that. But I have to be honest with ya, I was half expectin’ to see a woman with a cane, stumbling around.”
Landon paused. Had that been how he’d described her? As someone who was helpless?
Feeling his cheeks heat, he rushed to her defense. “Elsie doesn’t stumble.”
“Settle down. I was only sharing my opinion.”
“Let’s go inside. I bet the women are wondering where we are.”
“I doubt that. They seem as happy together as two old friends,” Daniel said, but he led the way inside anyway.
Right away, Landon walked to the kitchen to check on Elsie. When he saw Edith handing her dishes to place on the table, he rushed to her side. “Do you need help carrying those plates?” he murmured quietly enough so that only she could hear.
Elsie shook her head. “I’m fine. As long as Edith doesn’t hand me any sharp knives, I shouldn’t be a danger to anyone,” she joked.
He appreciated that she could make jokes about her vision problem, but he didn’t want her to feel too embarrassed to ask for help if she needed it. “You’re the guest, Elsie. Why don’t you have a seat? I can help Edith take things out to the table.”
“Landon, I don’t want to sit.”
“Elsie’s already told me about her eyesight, and about what she feels comfortable doing,” Edith informed him with a small smile. “I’ll help her if she needs it. But I feel like I should point out that she’s already carried over the glasses and napkins to the table.”
“Truly?”
Elsie grinned. “Truly. Bo here helped me.”
Looking down, the little boy nodded. “I walked with Elsie. I’m her helper.”
Daniel must have noticed his hovering and Edith’s exasperation. “Come over here, Landon, and help me with Benjamin. He needs a clean shirt.”
Once they were in the boys’ room, Daniel playfully slapped him on the back. “You sure are smitten! I’ve never seen a man be so attentive. You certainly were never like that with Tricia.”
“Tricia was different. Elsie sometimes needs an extra hand. I just don’t want her to—”
“I know, Landon,” Daniel interrupted while Ben squirmed as he pulled off the stained shirt and slipped another one on. Lowering his voice, he said, “So when will she have her operation?”
“I haven’t asked her that yet.”
“No? Well, I hope she mentions it tonight because Edith already told me that she’s hoping she can help with the meals at her house.”
“I’m sure they will appreciate that when the time comes.”
He was about to add more, to talk about how worried he was about the operation, how he intended to go back to the library soon to read about corneal transplants, when Edith called them to the table.
“We’ll talk about this later,” Daniel said as they walked to the dining room.
As Elsie sat down next to Landon, it
took almost everything she had to keep from grinning broadly. Finally, she was doing the living she’d wanted to do for so long. No one had kept her home or had warned her to be extra careful.
No one had cautioned her about Landon or reminded her that she shouldn’t really be entering into a relationship. Instead, the rest of the family had merely said goodbye when Landon had come to the door to get her.
At long last, she was living the way she’d always dreamed of living—simply as another woman in the world.
She didn’t want to do anything special or be anyone special; she just wanted to be herself and be accepted for that.
After they were all seated, Ben and Bo in booster seats on the chairs on either side of Edith, they all bowed their heads in silent prayer. Elsie was so thankful, she found herself silently praising Jesus for her many blessings, Landon and his acceptance of her foremost in her thoughts.
Then, it was time to dive into the feast that Edith had prepared.
“Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, and two vegetable casseroles,” she exclaimed. “It looks wunderbaar!”
“Indeed,” Landon said with a grin. “My brother is a lucky man to have married such a good cook.”
Edith laughed off the praise. “Landon only thinks it’s so good because he’s a bachelor. Men don’t learn to cook much besides sandwiches and cans of soup.”
“That’s true,” Landon said. “Growing up, Daniel and I didn’t learn how to do much more than work the can opener. Only now am I learning how to make eggs.”
Elsie smiled at that but said nothing.
“Maybe your bachelor days won’t last forever,” Daniel hinted not so subtly.
“Daniel, stop,” Edith said. “You’re going to embarrass our guest.”
“Sorry,” Daniel said.
Luckily, the boys started demanding more attention, and so the rest of the meal was centered on their needs instead of her and Landon’s relationship.
After dinner, Elsie and Edith cleaned up the kitchen while the men helped the boys wash up and put on pajamas for bed.
Then, all too soon, it was time for them to leave. Elsie was disappointed that their evening had flown by so fast, but was secretly reminded that now she and Landon would have the chance to spend a few precious moments together alone.
Eventide: The Days of Redemption Series, Book Three Page 17
