On My Own

by Melody Carlson

  “The what?”

  “You don't honestly think I haven't noticed your goody-goody Jesus posters and religious music or your Bible always lying open on your bed? Do you really think I'm that dense, Caitlin?” As usual, she says my name like I'm five. “I don't even know why I told you about Jordan and Rachel in the first place.” Now she's standing and jerking her arms into her leather coat. “It's like an open invitation for you to start trying to push your Sunday school religion right down my throat.”

  “I wasn't–”

  But it's too late, she was already out the door. Even now I can still hear the slam ringing in my ears.

  Of course, I've been praying for her tonight. And I know she's not happy. But at the same time I'm wondering, is it right for her to make me so miserable? Maybe I should see about switching roommates on Monday.

  DEAR GOD, PLEASE SHOW ME WHAT TO DO. I DON'T WANT TO TAKE OFF RUNNING WITH MY TAIL BETWEEN MY LEGS JUST BECAUSE LIZ IS HAVING TROUBLES. BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I'M NOT SURE THAT I CAN BE OF ANY HELP TO HER. I FEEL LIKE SHE HATES ME. PLEASE HELP ME TO FOLLOW YOU NOW. AMEN.

  Saturday, September 14

  I slipped out of my room this morning and walked over to the library to do homework while Liz was still asleep. She came in really early this morning (around 3 a.m), and I don't expect she'll be up until this afternoon. The pungent smell made it pretty obvious that she'd been drinking. Hopefully she didn't make herself sick.

  I feel really bad for her, but I don't know what to do about it. I can't see how my rooming with her is really going to change anything. I mean, people don't change if they don't want to. And I'm pretty sure she doesn't want to. Still, I'm not sure that God wants me to abandon her yet either. More than ever, I'm praying that He'll show me what to do.

  I got a sweet e-mail from Josh's sister Chloe today. I'd written her a quick note last week and found myself telling her a little bit about Liz. It's funny that I did because I haven't told anyone else much of anything about my weird roommate. But for some reason, even though Chloe's only fifteen, I just suspected she'd understand. I guess in some ways Liz reminds me a little bit of Chloe. Although Chloe is much, much softer and, I think, much closer to accepting Jesus into her heart.

  Anyway, Chloe's response was so encouraging. She said that she thinks Liz probably really needs me and that even though Liz won't likely admit it, she may be glad (underneath it all) that I'm her roommate. Then Chloe added, “You know, I think God really does work in mysterious ways.” This was very interesting, coming from Chloe, and it gives me more hope for her than I've ever had before.

  So I wrote back a long e-mail telling her all about Liz's latest explosions, and now I'm curious to hear what Chloe's reaction will be to that. It makes me feel a little silly though, as if I'm going to a fifteen-year-old (who's not even a believer yet) for advice. But that's not really how it is. I'm mostly just trying to keep the lines of communication open with her. I know that God's up to something in her life, and I really care about her. Not only that, it's nice to be able to be completely candid and honest with someone who won't. I) get all worried about you, 2) give you a sermon, or 3) tell you to find a new roommate. For now I think Chloe makes a good confidant when it comes to my situation with Liz. In the meantime, I'm praying a lot! And that's a good thing.

  Tuesday, September 17

  I cannot believe I've been on campus for two weeks and have yet to make a real friend. I've met a couple girls in my dorm who go to my church, and they seem nice and friendly and all, but somehow I just didn't quite hit off with them. Kind of like we're out of sync or something I can't quite put my finger on. I suppose I'm even wondering if Liz's philosophy for picking friends might not be rubbing off on me. Although, I can't say much for her taste in friends.

  I met Rachel (the boyfriend thief) yesterday. Apparently they've patched things up, and now Jordan's the one out in the cold. But to be honest, Rachel seemed a little flakey to me. I had expected someone more like Liz–more intellectual and opinionated. Although, I suppose Liz likes having friends around who don't challenge her authority since she has to be right about absolutely everything. In fact, I even got to witness her and Rachel getting into it over what time a certain TV show was playing. Of course, Liz won the battle, but only because Rachel backed down. I can imagine how the fur must've flown when they were into it over a boy.

  I'll have to give Rachel this though–she's a lot friendlier than Liz. She actually asked me where I was from and if I liked school. It was funny too, because it seemed as if Liz's ears perked right up, like she was actually a little curious herself, although she's never bothered to ask me before. Then Rachel told me where they were from and how they'd met in high school and had been friends for a few years.

  “How come you guys didn't room together?” I asked (stupidly as it turned out). I saw Liz's eyes flash and Rachel grew uncomfortable.

  “Go ahead and tell her,” snapped Liz.

  “I'm rooming with Gwen.” Rachel looked at the floor.

  “Oh.” I avoided the temptation to ask who the mysterious Gwen might be but assumed it must be the third friend whose presence had most likely forced Liz to room with a stranger. Can't say that I blame Rachel for picking Gwen, whoever she is, over Liz. For I'm sure Liz must be wearing, even on her carefully chosen friends!

  Still, even though I write this “tongue in cheek,” so to speak, I must admit that I'd really like to have a good friend here with me now. I know I have God, and that's no small thing, but I could use a good, solid Christian friend as well. So I'm specifically praying that God will cross my path with someone really special this week. I'm believing that He will!

  Sunday, September 22 (friends!)

  God answered my prayer! Not in the way I'd expected, but who am I to complain? I went to church as usual today, and because I was a few minutes early I decided to sit near the front. For some reason, I never mind sitting close to the front. I found a pew that was empty and just sat down. Shortly before the service began, a couple of guys slid in next to me. They looked to be college-aged, and I turned and smiled and they smiled back. Then when it was time for introductions, we exchanged names and I figured out that they'd been good buddies of Josh. As it turns out, Stephen had actually been Josh's roommate last year, and he acted as if he already knew me. To be honest, I couldn't remember Josh talking much about Stephen, but it felt good to know that Josh had talked to him about me. The other guy, Bryce, was a little quieter but seemed nice. After church, they asked if I wanted to join them for lunch and I happily agreed.

  Okay, I'd expected that God would send me my first good college friends in the from of girls, but who am I to question God? And it's not like these two guys and I are going to get romantically involved. I know there's not the slightest chance of that. How do I know? Well, Stephen just isn't my type. I mean, he's a sweet guy in a young John Candy kind of way, but I can't imagine the two of us ever getting involved. And although I think Bryce is nice looking enough, he has a girlfriend already, and I have absolutely no interest anyway. And so, for now, I'm just glad to have two new friends. I told them about my English class being on the same night as the fellowship group.

  “That's too bad,” said Stephen. “But sometimes we get together for other things. We'll have to keep you posted about what's going on.”

  “We have an early morning prayer group on Fridays,” offered Bryce. “It's just guys right now, but I heard a couple girls want to join us. You'd be welcome. We pray for the entire campus.”

  “That sounds great. Maybe I could get some prayer for my roommate.” Suddenly I felt I'd stepped over a line.

  “What's wrong?” asked Stephen.

  “Oh, nothing really,” I said quickly. “But she's not saved. I'm sure she could use our prayers.”

  “You're rooming with a nonbeliever?” Bryce's eyes got wide. “Do you think that's wise?”

  “Well, I didn't really have much control over it.” I tried to sound light. “And who knows, maybe God will
do a miracle. It wouldn't be the first time, you know.”

  Stephen laughed. “Yep, you sound just the way Josh used to describe you as.”

  “And how's that?” I eyed him curiously.

  “Oh, he used to call you a spiritual firecracker.”

  We all laughed.

  “Well, I'm not so sure about that. But I'll take it as a compliment.”

  So I hung out with Stephen and Bryce for the rest of the day and even went to the evening church service with them. And, believe me, it was the best day I've had since coming to the university. It really gives me hope!

  THANKS, GOD, FOR BRINGING THESE TWO FRIENDS MY WAY. THANKS FOR GNING ME SUCH A FUN DAY. PLEASE HELP ME TO BE A BETTER LIGHT FOR LIZ AND ANYONE ELSE I MEET. AMEN.

  FOUR

  Thursday, September 26 (out in the cold!)

  Grrrr! I am so totally furious that I can barely write! But maybe if I vent a little I'll manage to calm down some. So take a deep breath, Caitlin. Easy does it, girl. Remember God is in control, right?

  Okay, just when I thought things were starting to smooth out, it feels like someone jerked the rug out from under me again. Liz had been making herself pretty scarce this week, and even when she was around, it hadn't been quite as toxic as before. I was actually starting to think perhaps I could handle this whole thing after all. As it turns out, the reason she was in better spirits was because she and Jordan were getting back together. Apparently he was sorry for “cheating on her” with Rachel and actually brought by some flowers and a poem in hopes that they might patch things up. I felt a little unsure about accepting these items on Liz's behalf–worried that she might get mad at me–but what could I do? It was actually a pretty nice bouquet, and judging by Liz's reaction, the poem must've hit the spot. So you'd think everything should be just peachy, right? Wrong!

  At around seven o'clock Liz informs me that Jordan's on his way over so they can talk this whole thing over tonight, and would I mind making myself scarce for an hour or two? Well, I'm not too excited about getting thrown out of my own room, but I keep these feelings to myself as I toss my stuff together and trek off (in the rain!) to go study in the library. But once I'm there, I wonder why I didn't suggest they go somewhere else to talk it over. Why am I turning into such a little wimp lately? But I know the answer is simple enough: Liz is so overbearing that I'm afraid to stand up to her. And I know my chances of having peace are greater when she is appeased. Pretty stupid, but true.

  Finally, it's after nine o'clock, and I'm tired. So I trudge back home, getting soaked all over again. But when I get to my room, I realize that I left in such a hurry earlier that I forgot to grab my keys. I can still see them just sitting on my desk. So I knock on the door, and although I'm pretty sure I can hear whispering, no one answers.

  “It's me, Liz. I forgot my key; let me in.”

  Now I hear suppressed giggles–Liz and Jordan–like this is some big joke. But no one comes to the door. I knock even louder this time. “It's late and I'm tired, Liz. Please, let me in.”

  But still she doesn't open the door. Now I'm feeling a mixture of anger and humiliation. I feel like an idiot for walking off without my keys, but even so, that's no reason for her to act this way. What are those two doing in there? The thought of them–well, getting physically intimate–in My room is just way over the top! I mean, I don't actually know if that's what's going on, but on the other hand, I wasn't born yesterday!

  Anyway, the whole thing is just too much for me, and I eventually stomp back downstairs to the lobby and flop down on the vinyl couch. Where I am still sitting now. So, do I just spend the night down here–cold and damp and enraged–or do I keep bugging Liz until she lets me in? I know that if I make her mad, she'll make me miserable. And I'm not sure I want to risk that–not just yet anyway–although part of me simply doesn't care. And now I feel completely certain that I want a new roommate, and that she should be the one to move out. But most of all, I feel confused and tired and just plain lost. What would Jesus do under these same circumstances? Turn the other cheek? Sleep on the couch? What?

  DEAR GOD, WHY AM I GOING THROUGH THIS? HAVE I DONE SOMETHING WRONG? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING? SHOULD I SEE ABOUT SWITCHING ROOMMATES NOW? PLEASE, SHOW ME WHAT TO DO BECAUSE I DON'T THINK I CAN TAKE TOO MUCH MORE OF THIS. AMEN.

  Friday, September 27

  Well, Liz found me in the lobby this morning and acted all surprised and even just a tiny bit sorry.

  “What are you doing down here?” she asked with feigned innocence.

  “W-what time is it?” I stammered, thinking I must've been late for my first class since Liz never got up early.

  She shrugged. “Didn't you know the door was unlocked?”

  I looked at my watch to see it was only six. I peered at Liz suspiciously. “Last time I tried the door it was nearly midnight,” I said in a flat voice.

  “We must've fallen asleep.”

  I glared at her but said nothing.

  “Jordan went home just after midnight, and I left the door unlocked all night long. I thought you'd let yourself in. That's too bad you forgot your key.”

  “Too bad for me, you mean.” I narrowed my eyes. “Came in pretty handy for you.”

  She rolled her eyes at me. “You're acting like I planned the whole thing, Caitlin. It's not my fault you walked off without your key. Just because we share a room doesn't mean I have to take care of you.”

  I grabbed my backpack and started to head up, then realized I still didn't have a key. I turned and looked at Liz. “Are you going back up?”

  She smiled in a smirky way. “Yeah, I just thought I better check on you.”

  “I thought you said you didn't have to take care of me.”

  She flipped a long dark strand of hair over her shoulder. “I don't.”

  We didn't speak on the way up, and as soon as we got to our room, Liz crawled right back into bed. I wished I could do the same but knew I'd never get up in time to make it to class. Instead I took a quick shower, then hurried over to the early morning prayer meeting that Stephen and Bryce had told me about. I was a little late, but no one seemed to notice. And to my relief, there were a couple of other girls there too. I briefly met them afterward (Sarah and Ashley) and found out they live in a dorm on the other side of campus. I asked them if they knew anyone looking for a roommate, but they didn't. We exchanged phone numbers, then I had to rush off to my first class.

  Somehow, I don't feel quite as angry about the whole locked-out thing as I did last night. Maybe it was the prayer meeting or the fact that Liz came down to the lobby to find me or maybe I'm just getting worn down. I don't know.

  It does strike me as slightly odd, however, that I, Caitlin O'Conner, am once again sitting all alone in my room on a Friday night. This isn't exactly the way I'd imagined my first few weeks of college going. I know I could've (maybe should've) called Sarah and Ashley to see what they're up to tonight. Or maybe I should try being more friendly to the two Christian girls I met here in my own dorm. But somehow I just can't. Or won't. Why is that?

  I mean, I know I'm feeling tired after not getting much sleep last night, but then I can remember being tired in high school but still having plenty of energy to hang with Beanie and Jenny and Anna. So what's wrong with me now? I still have the feeling that something in me is changing, and I'm not sure what to do about it. I keep asking God to show me which way to go, who to become friends with and everything, but nothing seems terribly clear to me. It's all kind of foggy.

  I suppose the best thing in all of this is the way I'm leaning on God more and more–sometimes it almost feels as if He's all I have–like I'm slowly getting totally cut off from everything else. Is that how it's supposed to be? Or am I making a big mess of everything? I just don't know.

  Still, I must admit that I'm relieved to have “my” room to myself tonight (so far anyway). And I do plan to have a little talk with Liz about having “guests” in our room and hopefully establish some rules we can both
agree on. Also, I don't think I'll ever walk off without my key again! As far as switching roommates …I'm still not sure what to do. Part of me is fed up and more than ready to move on. But another part (and I'm afraid it's the part that's listening to God) feels like there may be a reason for this relationship. I guess only time will tell.

  Tuesday, October 1

  The last few days have passed somewhat uneventfully (for which I should be relieved). Liz and I talked about guest rules, and she was surprisingly agreeable. I told her how it makes me uncomfortable for her to have Jordan visiting late at night, and she assured me that it wouldn't be a regular thing.

  “I don't want it to be a thing at all,” I said firmly.

  She pressed her lips together. “Well, I suppose that's fair.”

  I tried not to register surprise.

  “Besides, if everything works out, you might have this room to yourself before long.”

  “Really?” I tried not to sound too hopeful.

  “Yeah, Jordan and I are talking about getting a place of our own.”

  Now, I hated to seem like I was happy about the idea of the two of them sharing a room (because I know it's a bad idea), but at the same time, I was thrilled at the idea of getting rid of Liz. So I just dumbly nodded my head without saying anything.

  “The only problem is with our folks. Since they're paying our tuition and everything …” Her voice trailed off. “But you could help me, Caitlin.”

  Something about the way she said that sent up a red flag. “How?” I asked anyway, curious as to what she was cooking up.

  “Well, I'm thinking you could pretend like I still live here in the dorm with you. If my parents should call, which they rarely do, you could say I'm not here or that I'm in the bathroom, and then you could take down their messages and–”

  “What you choose to do with Jordan isn't any of my business,” I began, praying that God would help me say this right, “that is, unless you're doing it in my room. But it would go against my personal convictions to lie for you.”