by Lauren Wood
“Why would you keep that from me?”
There were reasons given, but at the end of the day, if I would have thought that he would have stayed with me and still been able to live his dreams, I would have done it. But that wasn’t the case. He couldn’t have it both and I wanted him to have the life that he had worked so hard for when he was in school. It was because of him that I had taken my studies even more seriously, but he was the talent and I had known it even then. There was part of me that was vindicated a little in my choice because of what he had been able to accomplish. It had been his destiny and who was I to stand in his way? True love meant walking away when a person is holding the one they love back.
“It was just for the best Greg. Look at how it turned out? Everything worked out the way it was supposed to.”
He didn’t believe me or didn’t agree. Either way, I wasn’t going to argue with him. I had played the should of, could of, would of games before and it never ended well. It was easier to just accept what had happened and to move on. That is what I had been trying to do for a long time, but though I was not very good at the last bit, I was working on it and still touting the effectiveness of it.
“You shouldn’t have gotten to make that choice Mandy. I know that everyone is all about it being a woman’s body, but that was my baby too.”
It occurred to me then that he thought I had gotten rid of it. It made sense because I was so shady with my answers and there was purposely nothing out of Alfie’s because I knew that he was supposed to be coming and I didn’t want to start out there, if I had wanted to go there at all. I still wasn’t sure and there was part of me that was thinking that the last thing I needed to be doing right then was talking about Alfie with Greg. But I couldn’t leave him thinking something like that. I just couldn’t and my stomach tightened up with the look on his face. He was mourning the death of a child that was never born so many years ago and for some reason that pulled at my heart strings to see it.
“The only choice that I made was leaving Watertown. My mother wasn’t going to be any help, so I went and stayed with my grandmother for a couple of years. She helped me out with him for a while until I got back onto my feet. I went to college and got a degree, then moved back here to work at the sanctuary. I should have told you. I see that now, but I like that you did everything that you said you wanted to do. You had big dreams and you did everything that you said you would do and more.”
“I would have rather known that I had a son Mandy. That we have a child together.”
He said it like he was hearing it for the first time or that it was the first time that he had heard it. It was going to be hard to process and I knew then that I should have told him. That was guilt that I was always going to have. So many times when Alfie would ask about his father, I would wonder what kind of dad he would have been. Was I hurting not just me and him, but also Alfie because he didn’t have a father?
“I know that now Greg. I was young and I thought that I was doing the right thing. Sometimes it seems that way, but years later, I get that I should have handled it better than I did. I don’t know what else to say but that I am sorry. I should have told you and just been truthful, but I was afraid of how you would have reacted and I didn’t see it turning into anything good. It was going to be a disaster and I wanted to save us all from that.”
Greg sat down on the stool next to me and I could tell that his mind was whirling. Nothing I said was even getting through, let alone going to make everything better and I knew that it was wrong to even try. I was trying to make it better for me, not him.
“So my Aunt Dawn was right when she said you had a son. She didn’t mention that it was mine.”
“No one knows who his father is. I never told him, though he is pushing me into it. I am going to have to tell him soon. He is stubborn like you and doesn’t like to take no for an answer.”
“How old is he?”
“Fourteen.”
Greg nodded and took another drink. He looked at me for a long time and I finally looked down with shame. What had I done? Why had I thought that it would only be me that had suffered when so many years were taken away from them both?
“I know that it is going to be hard for you to forgive me and I don’t really blame you if you can’t Greg. What I did was crappy and I see that now. I really do.”
I kept talking, hoping that I would find the words that would make it all better.
“So I have a son?”
Greg didn’t seem to believe it and there was something in the way that he kept repeating it. I didn’t know if that was a good thing or a bad thing, but what I did know was that the cat was finally out of the bag and I still wasn’t drunk enough.
“Yes, his name is Alfie after my late father and he is at a friend’s house tonight. He will be back in the morning.”
“And he doesn’t know who I am?”
I shook my head that he didn’t. That seemed to bother Greg more than anything else. “So who does he think is his father?”
Another part that I felt horrible about was the fact that I hadn’t told my son. I didn’t know what to tell him, but now it was clear that he deserved the truth as much as Greg did. I owed them both and I was feeling horrible about it. I knew that there was something that I was going to have to do to make this right with him. I just wasn’t sure what it was.
“I just never told him. I told him that it was someone in my past that I loved very much.”
“And he was okay with that line?”
“It wasn’t a line. It is the truth, but like I said, now he wants more.”
“Good. I want to meet him tomorrow.”
I told him that it was a good idea, but there was still a whole lot of worry that was inside of me and I knew that it was going to happen whether I wanted it to or not. I wasn’t going to be able to keep Greg from his son, even if I had wanted to. I just wanted what was best for Alfie and knowing Greg was the best thing.
I didn’t have time to say anything else to Greg because he was storming out of the house and I was left looking at his back as he left. I didn’t blame him of course, how could I? It was hard to put myself in his position, but I knew that what I had done would have been a hard pill to swallow and I just hoped that one day he would forgive me, that they would both forgive me.
CHAPTER 12
GREG
I couldn’t stand to look at her or be around her. After all of those years of wanting to be with her, it was strange to not want to have anything to do with her. I felt betrayed and I felt like there was nothing else that could be done. I had loved a woman that had lied to me and kept our child from me. That was not something that could be forgiven easily, if ever.
Driving back to the hotel, I wanted to stop by and see Dawn, to tell her what happened, but I knew that it would be better if I didn’t. It was late and I was feeling some sort of way that I knew wasn’t going to help anything. I almost thought of calling Amber, but I knew that she would just complicate everything and still wasn’t what I wanted. What was this hold that Mandy had over me that made me forget everything else but her?
I got upstairs and took my clothes off. It was like I had to wash away the evening and after twenty minutes in the steaming water, I started to feel like the world was in fact not going to end as I had originally thought it would. It was news that was manageable and the next thought on my mind was seeing my son for the first time. I didn’t have any children because I was always so careful. Part of it was because I didn’t want the attachment that came with kids and then the pain when they would leave like Mandy did. The fact that I never loved again didn’t help me want children anymore, but with Mandy it seemed like the right thing, like we should have had a load of kids together by now.
My thoughts were confusing and it took everything in me to keep it together. I wanted to go back and do it all over again. I would have picked the route that had her moaning and screaming my name before I found out the truth. My body cursed me with every breat
h for not staying and getting what it was that my body craved and needed so bad. After everything that I had learned and the knowledge that she had lied to me all this time did nothing to stop the way I really felt. I still loved Mandy, but the fear of her taking off again was very real.
I lay down after I had paced the small floor some more. The idea that she was still just a few miles away was hard for me to ignore and so help me I wanted to see her so badly. I needed to see her and I called her phone several times. When she didn’t pick up, I remembered what she had said about our son being home in the morning. I had a feeling that a trip over there in the morning was going to do me more good than one right now. I didn’t want anything but her body that night and the way I was feeling, it was best that I stayed in and got some rest. It would look better in the morning.
***
The morning came while I was still awake. I was trying to figure out what it was that I was going to say and what it is I was going to do when I got there, but I still had no clue as I made my way to her house. It was almost nine in the morning and I knew that she was an early riser, so when she answered in a silk robe, I was a bit put off.
“Greg, what are you doing here? I thought I wouldn’t hear from you again.”
I almost said something smart, it was on my lips, but it wouldn’t have helped anything. I was mad still and I had to get it together before Alfie came home. Me and his mother would work things out soon enough. I wanted to meet my son and when I told her that, her eyes widened for a minute and she shook her head, “Of course Greg.”
She let me in only a little reluctantly, but after the news that she had given me, there was no way that I was going to let it slide. We were in fact going to have a very long talk about all of it, but first I wanted to secure her to me so that I didn’t lose her again. I was going to think of her as I did business and the number one rule was if you wanted something, just take it.
When I passed her, I caught a whiff of her shampoo and I felt blood rush to the rest of me. It was hard to think with her so close and I didn’t know if she knew what it was that she was doing to me or not. She was driving me crazy and all she was doing was looking up at me sleepy eyed with a smile on her face. I remembered that smile from before and I was practically gagging with need.
“When is he going to be here?”
“Alfie? He is going to be home in about fifteen minutes.”
It wasn’t enough time to do what I wanted, but I was tempted to see how far I could go before then. If it wasn’t such an important meeting, I would have done what I could to get her to agree to it, but at the moment, I was left uncomfortable in my pants, thinking about what it would be like to be with her after all this time.
“Well that will give us some time to talk. Would you like me to make some breakfast while we wait?”
Mandy was never a good cook and I had a feeling that it hadn’t changed. She would eat anything that came in a takeout box and I was sure that she hadn’t turned into a domestic goddess the years that she had been away.
“Um sure, if you want to. I guess you remember how good I can cook, huh?”
I nodded my head slowly and she smiled. “Yea, some things haven’t changed.”
“Well some things definitely have changed Mandy. I don’t think I will ever think the same way again. Everything has changed.”
Mandy was reminded of our conversation the night before and I had to wonder if she was really going to pretend that none of it had happened. I certainly couldn’t and I wasn’t going to let her forget just yet. I still had some unanswered questions of my own that I needed to know. After talking to Dawn a little bit ago, she had confirmed that she knew that Alfie was mine and that he looked just like me. I don’t know how I felt about having a mini me running around with my DNA that I had never met before.
“I’m sorry Greg, I really am. I never meant for any of this to happen, but it seems like I have made a big mess of things. But don’t take it out on Alfie. It isn’t his fault, so if you are going to hate someone, make sure that it is me.”
“Do you really think that I could ever hate you?”
CHAPTER 13
MANDY
He moved towards me and lifted my chin up for a kiss. I didn’t pause like I had before. I needed the assurances that his lips could give me and like every time that he had kissed me in the past, the world stood still for us and I lost track of time that was passing me by. Neither one of us heard the door open or close, or saw Alfie standing there.
“Mom?”
I pulled away so quickly that it left Greg a little dazed and confused. I was sure that there was something that I was supposed to be saying, some way to explain myself, but I couldn’t manage to get anything out of my mouth. There was a part of me that wanted to hide, but I knew that it wasn’t an option. I wasn’t going to be able to do anything else, but what I said that I was going to do. Greg wanted to meet his son and Alfie wanted to know who his father was. It was going to be two birds with one stone if everything went the way that it was supposed to go.
“Sorry Alfie. I didn’t hear you come in.”
“Who is that?”
I could see that the who that he was wondering about was Greg. The likeness was even worse when the two of them were together. The eyes were both emerald and about the same intensity of color. They had the same look in their faces as they studied each other and I wondered if Alfie knew who he was. Was there a part of him that knew that Greg was his father? I wondered for a moment if he did by the way he was looking.
“This is, uh well Alfie, this is…” I couldn’t make my mouth say the words that were aching to come out. I don’t know why, but there was something holding it back like it had all of those years.
“I am your father, son. My name is Greg.”
I couldn’t believe that he said it like that, but I was thankful in a way because now I didn’t have to. Looking to Alfie, I could tell that the words were shocking, but I think part of him knew that it was true. He looked just like him and it had to be a little disconcerting to see someone that looked so like him.
“You’re my father?”
He asked the question into the room more than to me or to Greg. Greg shook his head anyways and waited. I could see that he wanted to go to him, but there was still confusion in Alfie’s eyes. I wished that it would have been done differently, but I was afraid that I would have never gotten to it. I hadn’t managed to in all of those years. Now it was out and in the open, ready to be dealt with no matter how hard it was going to be.
“Mom, is this true?”
I told him that it was and moved to give him a hug. He backed off a little bit and it hurt to see the distrust in his eyes.
“Yes it is true Alfie. I wanted to tell you another way, but what Greg says is true. I knew him a long time ago and I just told him last night about you. He never knew about you until last night. I am sorry that I didn’t tell you both sooner.”
I was stammering and blabbing again, I could hear it in my voice, but there wasn’t anything I could do about it. I wanted everything to be okay and for my son to stop looking at me like that. I had never felt so bad in my life and I was still off kilter a little bit because of Greg’s kiss that morning.
“Why don’t you get us something to drink Mandy and I will finish up breakfast?”
Nodding my head, I could tell that he was letting me off the hook. I knew that it was going to be harder with Alfie who was still staring at Greg like he was going to vanish at any moment. What had I done and why had it been so long for me to figure it all out?
I went to the refrigerator and let the two men continue to stare at each other. The tension in the room was thick enough to cut with a knife. It was hard to act like I wasn’t in the middle of it, but I was trying to do as Greg suggested. He started to talk to Alfie, asking him questions and I could tell that my son was feeling him out. It didn’t take long for the two of them to realize that there was a lot that the two of them had in common.
Setting the table, I was relieved to hear the conversation between the two of them. It was clear that it was going to be an easy transition and before long it was like they were two peas in a pod. I knew that it wasn’t always going to be this way, but there was a part of me that was okay with it. Alfie had a reason to be mad at me and I knew that he would forgive me eventually. I wasn’t sure about Greg, but it didn’t matter then, he had really saved my ass, even though I didn’t deserve it.
***
“I want to thank you for making everything so easy for me Greg. I know you didn’t have to, but you made this so much easier than it should have been.”
Alfie had gone upstairs to his room and was getting his stuff together because the two of them were going to go play catch at the park. It was kind of cliché, especially considering Alfie had only used his mitt and ball once since I bought it for him a couple of years before, but it was cute. I was thankful that Greg was willing to do such things and I could already see that Alfie was over the moon about everything that was going on.
“Don’t worry about it. I know that it is going to be awkward, so there is no point in making it any harder. We have a lot to talk about later, but for now, I think me and Alfie are going to go out. Are you sure you don’t want to come?”
I shook my head and told him that I didn’t. Alfie was still acting a little strange about everything and I knew that he was mad at me. He had every right to be mad at me and I didn’t want to push it. He was the type, like Greg, that needed space when he was upset and I wasn’t going to make it any harder on him. He needed time and that was the least I could do.
When he got back downstairs, I was nervous to see him and waited for him to tell me good bye. It was a strange way to feel, like I was an outsider all of a sudden. But I had to accept it and hope that like everything else in life, that would change too. If nothing else, Alfie was going to have the father that he always wanted and Greg was sliding into the role rather quickly. He wasn’t the running type and it made me realize that I was going to have to figure things out with him as well. I didn’t know what that was going to look like, but there was a part of me that knew it was going to be okay. I shouldn’t have felt that way, there was surely nothing that was pointing into the direction of everything being okay, but I was convinced nonetheless that it was so.
