Broken Wings

by Judith James

  ***

  In the end, rough winds, treacherous rocks, and serendipitous opportunities along the French and Irish coasts resulted in an unplanned, but very profitable delay in their return home, and it was almost three weeks before Gabriel saw Sarah again. He was in his element, and gloried in life at sea. Davey gave him the wheel more often than not. He was assigned to one of the watches, required to muster the men at night, and took command of watering parties ashore. It was his first time in a position of leadership. The men accepted it readily, and he performed ably and well.

  Sarah had been right about talking with Davey. The older man's straightforward advice and calm analysis acted as a balm. Gabriel had dreamed of the German only once since he'd been at sea. He dreamt of Sarah every night. In his dreams she welcomed him deep into her bed, and there was nothing between them but naked flesh. He missed her terribly. He had watched, wide-eyed, in amazement with half the crew as a magnificent whale almost sixty feet in length surfaced off the bow. Davey identified it as a sperm whale, and Gabriel had turned in delight to share the moment with Sarah, before he realized she wasn't there. Every time he had an exciting thought or saw something worth remarking, it was lessened somehow because she wasn't there to share it.

  Aching to hold her, starving for her kisses, his entire being was thrumming with excitement when they finally sighted the harbor, and home. He had so much to tell her. He determinedly banished the creeping anxiety, whispering to him that with time and distance she might have changed her mind, and what had been said in the heat of the moment might now be regretted. He was absurdly pleased to see her waiting for him on the dock, dressed in breeches and boots, her chestnut hair streaming down her back. She stood there waving, with the motley assortment of laborers, tradesmen, sweethearts, and wives who'd come to welcome them home. His heart swelled in his chest and the breath caught in his throat as it occurred to him that his sweetheart was waiting for him. By coming to greet him this way she acknowledged it, to him, and to everyone present, putting all his fears to rest.

  Sarah devoured him with her eyes. He was waving to her, a dazzling smile on his face. She watched with a huge grin as Davey waved him away and he leapt over the rail and onto the quay, landing catlike and graceful, amidst the laughter of the men. He strode toward her with an eager grin and she rushed into his embrace, flinging her arms around his neck.

  Pulling her tight against his hard muscled frame, he hugged her wildly, rocking her back and forth, as the crew cheered their approval. "God, how I've missed you, mignonne!"

  "I've missed you, too," she said breathlessly. "I could kill Davey. Where have you been? I was so worried about you!"

  "We had a little trouble and ended up off the French coast. Davey had some business there, and then in Ireland, so it turned into a bit more of an adventure than anyone expected," he said with a smile. He let go of her abruptly as he spied Ross making his way down the pier. "I'll tell you about it later, mignonne," he said, giving her a parting squeeze. "Your brother doesn't look pleased." He wasn't sure if Ross had seen them, but he was bound to hear about it soon enough.

  Sarah followed his gaze. Ross stalked toward them, his eyes hard, and his face grim.

  "Sarah." He gave her a curt nod and turned his attention to her companion. "Gabriel! I have business with Davey. I would like to speak with you immediately after. Meet me in my office within the hour, if you please." That said, he turned on his heel and marched over to Davey's sloop, where the two men were soon deep in a heated exchange.

  Shaken, Gabriel turned to look at Sarah. She grimaced, sighed, and wound her arm though his. "He had to find out sooner or later, Gabriel."

  He had known that this day would come if he continued to pursue his feelings for Sarah, but he'd hoped to delay it as long as possible. "You realize if he doesn't throttle me, he'll have me on my way by sunset."

  "Nonsense, Gabriel! He's not the ogre you make him out to be, and in any case, you haven't done anything wrong."

  Presenting himself in Ross's study exactly one hour later, Gabriel prayed she was right.

  Ross stood, arms folded behind his back, clearly agitated. "Come in, Gabriel; sit down." Not wanting to antagonize his beloved's brother any more than he already had, Gabriel did as he was told.

  "I'm going to tell you the same thing I told Davey," Ross said, pacing back and forth. "I did not bring you to my home to have you end up swinging at the end of a rope. You are a young man, and doubtless prone to the fancies and foibles most young men share. You wish for adventure and excitement, heedless of the consequences. You look at Davey, and you think him glamorous, romantic, but there's nothing romantic about swinging in the breeze, piss running down your legs as you void your bowels and slowly choke to death. Have you ever watched a man hang, Gabriel?"

  "No, sir," Gabriel replied, completely bewildered.

  "No? I thought it was a common form of entertainment in most cities. It might have been enlightening for you."

  "I doubt I would find such a spectacle entertaining, my lord."

  "You would like it even less, lad, if you were the center of attention." Ross stopped pacing and leaned forward, placing both hands on the desk. "You almost sailed into a trap three weeks ago, Gabriel. You would have been hung, had you been captured. It would have been most upsetting to James and Sarah. I suggest you think about that."

  "I'm not a child, Huntington."

  "No, you're a grown man and I can't order you about. You will make your own decisions. I'm well aware of that. I simply ask that you consider what I am saying."

  "I will take it under advisement, my lord."

  "Good! See to it you do. Now, to the matter at hand. I've been called away on urgent business. I expect to be gone about two months. I would have left before now, but I didn't wish to leave Sarah and the household unprotected. Davey has his own business to attend to, as you're no doubt aware. He cannot be depended on to be available. Jamie can stay at Sidney's while I'm gone, and I expect, indeed, I insist, that you remain on the estate. I have already informed Davey that you will be helping Sarah with the management of the property, and will not be available to him until my return. She is not to be left unprotected in my absence. Is that clear?"

  "Most assuredly. You may rely on it."

  Ross gave him a sour look. "And who will protect her from you?"

  Gabriel flushed. "You must know that I care for her deeply, Huntington. I would never harm her."

  "Are you telling me your friendship is an innocent one?"

  Gabriel took his time and thought carefully before answering, not wanting to lie, or to antagonize him. "If you're asking if we are lovers, then the answer is no," he said, his gaze steady and direct.

  Ross nodded. "I don't want to see her hurt."

  "Neither do I."

  "Good. Then we understand each other. Well, then, I shall be leaving at first light. My bailiff will take care of most of the day-to-day management of the estate, but I will expect you to help Sarah supervise and settle any disputes. I also meant to ask if you wished me to invest your money while I'm in London, as we've discussed in the past."

  "I would appreciate it, Huntington. Yes."

  "Good." Ross rose and extended his hand. "I would like to discuss some last minute details with both of you after dinner. As of tomorrow, you will be the man of the house."

  Gabriel left the study with mixed feelings. He was relieved no mention had been made of his leaving, proud that Ross had placed such confidence in him, and elated that after three weeks apart, he was about to have Sarah to himself. He also felt guilty. He hadn't lied to Ross. He and Sarah were not lovers. Not yet. But they were sweethearts, they were in love, and he'd decided upon seeing her waiting on the dock, that she was a prize he was going to fight for, whether he was worthy of her or not. He fully intended to do everything he could to make her his completely.

  Gabriel and Sarah remained closeted with Ross late into the night, reviewing finances, current tenant disputes, and a myriad
of other details. It made Gabriel's head spin in a way that being at sea on a heaving deck had never done. Since setting out with Davey, the only thing he'd wanted was to return to Sarah and continue the conversation that had been interrupted three weeks ago, but by the time Ross retired, it was nearly dawn, and it was impossible. He smiled, exhausted, and turned to her. "I'm sorry, Sarah, there's so much I want to tell you."

  "You'll tell me tonight. Don't leave yet, Gabriel, there's something I want to give you." She stood in front of him, a tentative smile on her face, her hand outstretched. He shifted his gaze and felt a strange emotion, tender and hesitant, a new kind of aching he couldn't define. It was a pair of wrist guards. Made of black leather, with silver buckles in the shape of the quarter moon, they were intricately tooled with a Celtic serpent design, and inlaid with silver stars. He looked up.

  "They're for—"

  "I know what they're for, Sarah. Thank you." He caught her lower lip with his thumb, gently pulling her down to his kiss, sighing soft against her mouth.

  "Good night, ma chere."

  "Good night, Gabriel. Welcome home."

  He slept late the next day. It was a welcome relief not to have to practice or report to Davey. As much as he enjoyed the other man's company, the past eight months had been a marathon of grueling activity, little sleep, and always something new to learn. It was a guilty, but undoubted pleasure to lie abed, anticipating the night ahead. He saw Sarah at dinner and told her about the whale he'd seen, longer than their ship, and about his talk with Davey. He told her how happy it had made him to find her waiting for him on the docks. They went to the music room after dinner, speaking to each other through tempo, cadence, and gentle harmony, and when the big house quieted for the night, she retired to her chamber, and he walked restlessly along the clifFs edge, waiting until all was dark, so he could climb the big oak into her arms again.

  Chapter

  17

  Sarah waited, anxious and eager to have Gabriel to herself. He had said he loved her, she'd replied in kind, and now everything had changed. There was no pretending they were only friends anymore. She had missed him, missed his body, warm and solid beside her at night. She had missed his voice, tender and seductive as he teased her, and she had missed his lazy kisses, sweet and deep, curling her toes and melting her insides. She longed for, and dreaded, his touch, knowing it would take her past all restraint, to a place from which there was no turning back.

  It was becoming harder and harder for her to tell the difference between right and wrong, what she feared and what she desired. The more she wanted him, the more she feared that if they crossed that tempting border, there would be heartache on the other side. She worried that what he needed was a friend, not a lover, and feared he would come to see her as another in a long line of people who had used him. She feared their friendship would be destroyed, and where there'd been something lovely, there would be only bitterness, disillusionment, and regret.

  She'd also been struck, seeing him at the docks, tanned and fit, his dark hair streaked with sunlight and his eyes sparkling with excitement, at how beautiful he was. He could have any woman he wanted. If his life had been different, would he have ever chosen someone like her; a disreputable, opinionated, eccentric widow; large boned, far too tall, and careless of her appearance? It hardly seemed likely.

  Her musings were interrupted by his appearance on her balcony. He stood, framed in the moonlight. An early spring breeze teased his hair, and his eyes sparked with heat and hunger. His shirt was open and her gaze traveled from his eyes, to his mouth, to his torso, taut and sleek, his stomach ridged with muscle, his skin alabaster in the moonlight. He looked like a Greek statue brought to life. She groaned in frustration. No woman should be so tempted. No woman could resist. He grinned, and stepped into the room. Seeing that his sleeves were rolled up and he wore the wrist guards, she returned his grin with a happy one of her own.

  He crossed to her bed without a word, and slid in beside her, gathering her into his arms. He'd meant to tell her he loved her. He'd meant to thank her for the gift, but the moment her arms reached around his neck he forgot all his carefully planned words, and lowered his mouth to hers in a feverish kiss. Growling with pleasure and need, he grasped her bottom, pulling her hard against his length. He rolled on top of her, his knee deep between her thighs as his tongue sucked and stroked, thrusting against hers in a dance as ancient as time.

  Sarah clutched his hair, pulling him close, deepening her kiss, as he swept her into a whirlwind of passion and pleasure. She moaned when he pulled his lips away, then shivered in anticipation as his fingertips began to trace her collarbone, sending delicious frissons of pleasure singing along her nerves, swelling her breasts, stiffening her nipples, and making her feel swollen and moist between her thighs. She gasped in white-hot pleasure when his lazy tongue rasped wet and hot against her nipple, moistening it through the cotton of her nightdress, sending waves of sensation thrilling to her core. He looked straight into her eyes, the question clear.

  She closed her eyes, trying to gather her tattered wits, stunned by the riotous feelings coursing through her. She'd known no pleasure from her husband, and felt overwhelmed by the wild sensations she was experiencing now. It was too powerful. It was happening too fast. Shifting her weight, she pushed him away. "Enough, Gabriel, please. We ... I ... I think we should stop."

  "I'm sorry," he said, drawing back. "I thought. . . clearly, I misunderstood."

  Stricken by the look of hurt in his eyes, she reached out to pull him back, but he was already up, preparing to leave. "Gabriel, don't!"

  "Don't what? Don't kiss you? Don't touch you? I can't help it, Sarah. I think about it all the time. Christ! I can't keep doing this!"

  "Please, just listen. Try to understand."

  "I do understand. I've just reminded you of what I am, a jaded, greedy whore. You've been kind to me, indulged me, though I cannot imagine why, but there are limits. The idea of being touched by me that way, knowing what I am, must disgust you."

  "Stop it! I hate when you speak like that! That's not at all what I meant!"

  "My apologies," he said, his voice flat and cold. He turned to go, but she leapt from the bed, blocking his path.

  "Gabriel, wait, please! For all the times I've listened to you, will you not hear me out?"

  The look he gave her was resentful and cold, but he ceded her the door and went to sprawl ungraciously on the window seat. "I am listening, mignonne," he said, his voice remote.

  "I'm just so confused, Gabriel. I'm trying to do the right thing, and I don't know what that is anymore. It's not that I don't want you. I do! I dream about you. I imagine...Look, you call yourself a whore, as if that's who you are. How can I show you how wrong you are? How can I truly be your friend if I use you as everyone else has? Damn it, Gabe, you're such an innocent!"

  "Innocent!" He was so shocked his mouth hung slack and open.

  "And now you look just like Ross," she snapped.

  "How can you call me that, Sarah? You know me better than anyone does. You're the only one who really knows."

  "But you are, you know. You've known nothing of love, Gabriel. How could you? You have no way of arming or protecting yourself. You know how to deal with physical pain," her gaze flicked toward his wrists, "but I'm so afraid that I might hurt you, Gabe, and I never want to do that."

  "Jesus," he said with a shaky laugh, "one would never have guessed. You seem to delight in torturing me."

  "I'm also afraid that you might hurt me."

  He felt as if he'd been punched in the gut. How could she think that of him? Didn't she know him at all? "It's been very foolish of you to have me alone in your room this way then, hasn't it, mignonne?" he said coolly.

  "Oh, hush! You know I don't mean it like that! But I've watched you with Davey and his crew. You're one of them. Anyone can see it. The sea will call you and you'll answer. You'll go adventuring. You won't be content to stay here, even if you think so now, nor sh
ould you. You'll meet people. You don't seem to realize it yet, but you could have any woman you wanted."

  "I've had many women, Sarah. The only one I've wanted is you."

  She lifted her gaze to his, struck dumb by the torment in his eyes. Loneliness, uncertainty, and stark need were there for her to see, but what broke her heart was the tentative, desperate hope. It was impossible not to love him, impossible not to want him, and to hurt him was unthinkable. She knew what she wanted. Her resistance evaporated and a slow smile lit her face. She held out her hand. "Come, then."

  It was salvation. He was a greedy fool, a selfish fool, indeed an unworthy and witless fool, but not fool enough to refuse.

  She pulled him up, stronger than she looked, and led him back to the warm bed he'd spent so many nights imagining, the past three weeks at sea. She brushed back his hair with her fingers and trailing soft kisses down his jaw pushed him gently back onto her bed. Following him down, she lowered herself against him, enveloping him in softness, warmth, and Sarah. "There," she sighed contentedly, kissing his brow and giving him a possessive hug, "you're back where you belong. "Now tell me, Gabe, do you truly believe I think so little of you?"

  "I know you care, Sarah. I'm not a fool. You could have any man you wanted, but you choose me. You've given me your trust and friendship. You've welcomed me into your home, your life, even your bed." He curled alongside her, cradling her in his arms. "You breathe life into me. I go to sleep wanting to know what will happen tomorrow. I look at the sky and see mystery and magic. I feel the sword dance in my hand and I feel alive. It's all you, Sarah. When I'm with you, I feel like I've been born into another life, where I have friends and a future, and a sweetheart who makes me drunk and wild with kisses she saves only for me. I feel healthy and happy and at peace. I never dared dream of such things. I know I act the fool at times and try your patience. It's just that, every time I look in your eyes, I can see the man that you see, and I can't believe he's really me. I'm so afraid of disappointing you."