Strong Looks Better Naked

by Khloé Kardashian

  In fact, I was so comfortable with my looks that in some ways they shaped my personality. I was a happy girl, cheerful and upbeat. I didn’t think about my weight, and as a result I wasn’t as stressed out as most other girls my age. People saw me as easygoing and lighthearted, and they were drawn to me; that was a nice side effect of not being weight conscious.

  Years later I was still a joyful girl, and my natural buoyancy and exercise carried me through the early months of 2012. Then in April Lamar parted ways with the Mavericks, by mutual agreement, and we returned to Los Angeles.

  I was super excited to be home. Los Angeles was my city. Everything was familiar, and it was nice to know that I could hop in my car and drive over to see my family and my friends whenever I wanted. I also like structure and routine, and being home, in familiar territory, made life much more manageable.

  Of course, there was one big change: In Dallas, the paparazzi were few and far between. But in L.A., we couldn’t get away from them, and it was oppressive. Even worse, if we were not smiling in a photograph they took, it fueled all sorts of rumors.

  It was crazy. We were happy, and the press had no evidence to the contrary, but reporters were telling the world that our marriage was in trouble. Of course, a month later, the story they were telling had changed. With no evidence to support this either, the press began reporting that I was pregnant and that we were more in love than ever.

  This constant imposition on my private life was exhausting. It actually got to a point where I was tempted to deal with the stress by sitting home, behind closed doors, and eating. But then I really thought about it, and my recent experience in Dallas, at the W, convinced me that there had to be a better way and that food wasn’t the answer, so once again I began going to the gym.

  Every time I left my house, the paparazzi followed. In cars, SUVs, and—from time to time—even helicopters. So I’d crank up the music and make the short drive to the Equinox in Woodland Hills. As soon as I parked, however, they were all over me, snapping pictures and shouting questions—“Is it true Lamar cheated on you?” “Is he doing drugs?” “Are you guys splitting up?”—and it was both painful and mortifying. I had heard all of the rumors, of course—they were on TV, on social media, and in the magazines—but the endless yelling was really unpleasant: I didn’t need to hear that negative bullshit. Every day felt like an attack.

  It was also humiliating; it got to the point that leaving my house would give me social anxiety. People would turn to see what all the fuss was about, and it got so I couldn’t stop for gas or walk into a Starbucks without creating a scene. It was surreal. I had never been scrutinized to that degree. All of this was enough to make me paranoid, and I began to feel like I was being watched all the time (and maybe I was).

  My solution was simple: I bought a pair of headphones and would slip them over my ears and crank up the music before I got out of the car. And it’s funny, because when I look back at this period in my life there are hundreds of pictures of me with my headphones on, totally unfazed by the roving packs of paparazzi. I loved it. It’s, like, “Hey, idiots—I literally can’t hear you!” It was actually pretty funny.

  The gym was a genuine oasis—a refuge and a sanctuary. No one bothered me. Not the paparazzi, who had to wait outside, and not the other clients. We were all there doing our own thing, and I enjoyed being around people, not locked up in my house. I didn’t feel the need to talk to them, and they respectfully gave me my space, but I definitely found solace in being surrounded by humanity. (I also loved the sweating part!)

  It’s not selfish to love yourself, take care of yourself, and to make your happiness a priority. It’s necessary.

  —Nancy Hale

  How to Lose Ten Pounds in Ten Days—Not!

  Within a few weeks I started losing a little weight. I had never thought, “Gee, I need to lose ten pounds in ten days,” but the weight came off regardless, a little bit at a time. And I didn’t weigh myself, either. I would walk into my closet, for example, and try on a skirt I hadn’t worn in a while, and I would find myself astonished by how good it looked. A month earlier, that same skirt had been too tight; now I felt great and looked great. I don’t think anyone should get fixated on numbers. For me, it’s not about how much I weigh, but how I feel both mentally and physically. And of course about how my clothes fit.

  Losing weight didn’t change the situation at home, unfortunately. Some of the rumors were actually close to the truth; the marriage really was floundering, but my new self-possession definitely changed the way I handled it. I was stronger, physically and emotionally.

  When the press wasn’t writing about our relationship, they became obsessed with my workouts, and the angle was generally pretty much the same: Khloé Kardashian—How She Lost 10 Pounds in 10 Days. Khloé Kardashian Wearing Waist-Training Corset. Khloé Kardashian Shares Her Surprising Secret to Weight Loss. The media tends to take the tiniest kernel of truth and blow it up beyond all recognition. According to the press, I had gone from being the fat one to developing an unhealthy obsession with the gym. This was completely wrong.

  My workouts were not about vanity; they were about relieving stress. I had so much going on emotionally, and I was disinclined to talk about it, even with my own family, so the workouts became a form of therapy. One of the pleasant side effects, of course, was that I lost weight and developed muscle tone and generally began to feel good and look good.

  One thing people may not know about me is that I’m very passionate. When something upsets me, I feel it right away, and my immediate reaction is to pounce like a lioness. But at the gym I soon discovered that I could take a moment, curb my natural inclinations, and save my ferocity for my exercise. I feel a tremendous sense of relief as soon I walk through those doors. And after a few minutes of boxing or running on the treadmill, I can literally feel each brick of stress crumbling away.

  I tend not to be as open as other members of my family. Despite my profession, which puts me on public display, I tend to be private when it comes to matters of the heart. I tend not to share many details about my life, especially if they concern other people. So if I’m having a problem at home—which I was, admittedly—I would keep it between the two of us. A marriage is about two people, not about your extended family, and I think those two people should try to figure it out themselves. And that’s what I tried to do, and what I continue to do to this day.

  When life frustrates me, as it frustrates us all, I turn to my sanctuary, the gym, the one place where I can be alone with my thoughts. The gym lets me work on my own problems and my own issues at my own pace, and so far it has been the best medicine I’ve found.

  Alone with My Thoughts

  The gym is also a place that is all about me, me without guilt, and that’s a good thing, because I believe that everyone needs to carve out a little private time. In my case, with so much of my life lived in front of a camera (or being chased by cameras), I cherish whatever moments of quiet and solitude I can find. The gym gives me time to be alone with my thoughts, to try to get a little clarity in my own way and on my own time.

  In the past, I have at times struggled with feeling that I’ve said too much, and sometimes people used the information against me. Not fun. If I’m in the gym, however, working it out with myself, that’s not a concern. When I take that time for myself at the gym, I can play out all the different ways a conversation can go; I can think through the consequences of any action I might take; I can approach a problem calmly, rationally, and thoughtfully.

  Besides, I don’t want to dump my problems on the people around me, especially if I haven’t had time to think about them, and I certainly don’t want to share only when I’m in a crisis. On the other hand, most people do open up primarily when things are bad, when they have something to complain about. I guess that’s human nature. Seldom do I hear them saying, “Oh my God! He showed up for our date with a dozen yellow roses and said he was really looking forward to getting to know me!” Usually I h
ear someone say something like, “You know what that asshole did to me last night?”

  That’s just the way we’re wired, I guess. We’ll call our best girlfriend and with great drama and anger tell her the bad thing our boyfriend has just done, not the good. So while it’s perfectly normal to express the lows in life, I find it far more important, and far more pleasant, to speak of the highs.

  Another downside to oversharing is that you get a lot of opinions, and most of those opinions are from people who don’t really know the whole story (probably because you’re not sharing all the details, and you’re definitely not sharing the good ones). When you listen to too many opinions, you get confused and lose track of your own voice. And that should never happen. Who are you going to listen to if not to yourself?

  The thing is, every relationship is different, and when you start talking about your problems, other people tend to talk about theirs. Before you know it, you are making all sorts of crazy comparisons, like the time one of Kim’s exes—my least favorite ever—started complaining about life at home. “Why don’t you cook for me?” he told Kim. “Khloé cooks for Lamar all the time.” This happened in front of me, and it really upset me. I told him, “That is so rude! How dare you compare our relationships? And why are you being so aggressive? The right thing to do is to ask Kim if she’d consider cooking for you from time to time.”

  He didn’t treat Kim with respect; he wasn’t kind, and, unfortunately, he didn’t get my point, which I guess is one of the many reasons he is an ex.

  As a person, you are unique. And your relationships with others—lovers, parents, and friends—are unique. No two relationships should ever be compared. Other people may look happy, but you don’t know what’s happening behind closed doors or what a smile might conceal. As human beings, we often look to others to gain insight or to learn something new. But that habit also makes us compare ourselves to others, and the dynamic in every relationship is different. It’s great to be inspired by a happy couple. I’ll see people interacting during a challenging moment, and I’ll think, “I wish I could handle things as calmly and with as much maturity as they do.” But does that really help me do a better job in my life? I think not. I can learn from my loved ones, but there’s a limit. The reason why we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes to everyone’s highlight reel. The fact is you will never know what happens behind closed doors, so making comparisons to other people’s lives is really only hurting you. If I am always comparing myself to others, I will forever be at war with myself. And who needs that? I like me just fine, thank you very much, flaws and all.

  At the end of the day, we are all imperfect human beings. The journey is about growing and evolving and forever striving to become a better person. Bad things happen to us all; it is how we respond to those unfortunate events that defines the quality of our life and the lives of those around us.

  As John Donne wrote, “No man is an island, entire of itself; every man is a piece of the continent, a part of the main.” We need one another to find fulfillment in our lives. And to find fulfillment we need to reprogram ourselves to refuse to wallow in the negative and to celebrate the positive. We will manifest beautiful things this way. I’m all about manifesting the goodness in others and in myself.

  You Can’t Control the Outcome

  As things got worse on the home front, I began to rely more and more on those sanity-saving workouts, and I tried to make more time for them. I was in my own little world, sweating away my personal problems and managing pretty well, but the situation at home took on a life of its own.

  The thing is, you can’t control other people, and you can’t control the outcome of situations, and if you think you can, you will soon discover that you are badly mistaken. The other thing I couldn’t control was the press, who were hungry for details and invariably got things wrong.

  Unfortunately, Kim and Kourtney and the rest of my family couldn’t avoid the tabloids, and they all began to suspect that it was more than idle gossip. “We know something’s happening, Khloé. Why don’t you tell us about it? You’re safe with us.”

  Finally, that’s what I did—I told them. And I remember how blown away they were. Hurt, too, because I hadn’t shared. So I explained myself. “I wanted to protect Lamar,” I said. “I know how badly he wanted and needed this family. I didn’t want people to judge him or blame him. And I didn’t want him to feel like I was giving up on him.”

  At one point, I actually went to the producers and said I needed some time off from the show. One of them was very surprised. She had been with KUWTK (Keeping Up With the Kardashians) for eight years, and I had never, ever asked for any time off. She took me aside and asked me what was wrong. I told her, “Nothing. I just need some family time.” But she knew. And many others on the set suspected. How could they not? But I needed the time. I was living 90 percent of my life in front of the cameras, but the other 10 percent was and is sacred.

  Lamar and I went to see a couples therapist. And when I got into details about some of the problems we were having, she was a little surprised by the way I recounted the stories.

  “You tell me these things in a very matter-of-fact way, with very little emotion,” she said. “Most people would be hysterical in this same situation, but you describe it as if was happening to somebody else.” And I said, “Yes, that’s true. In the past, whenever I spoke about an emotional situation, I would get emotional and upset all over again, and I didn’t like it. But lately I’ve been teaching myself not to do that. I want to be less emotional and more matter-of-fact. I guess I’m going for quietly analytical.” She was really impressed. She said, “That’s a real gift. It takes a big person to revisit tough moments without reliving the emotion. How do you manage it?”

  And I said, “Cardio!”

  My Trainer, Gunnar Peterson

  After that moment in the therapist’s office, I decided to work even harder on my own cardio-based therapy, and I went off to see Gunnar Peterson, who is affectionately known as the Trainer to the Stars.

  I had met Gunnar when I was in my early teens, because my mother was one of his clients and she used to drag me to her training sessions. I won’t name names, but every time I went to his gym I would run into major movie stars or major sports figures, and I guess that left an impression on me. Plus, my mother loved Gunnar, who over the years had become a close family friend, stopping by at Christmas and for birthdays, and generally becoming an honorary member of the family.

  When I first went to Gunnar in 2012, I have to tell you that I was really intimidated. I was just beginning to get fit and I said to myself, “Okay, this is the real deal. This is exercise at a whole other level. I need to take this very seriously.” It was weird. I didn’t feel as if I had to impress Gunnar, but I did think I needed to show him that I was serious about getting into shape. And I honestly didn’t know what to expect. I knew Gunnar a bit as a person, but this was Gunnar the trainer, and that changed everything. In fact it made me nervous. And it’s funny because at one point I asked him, “Can I use the bathroom?” And he looked at me like I was a little crazy. Then he smiled and pointed me in the right direction.

  Now I feel like I own the place.

  Music to Sweat To

  Beyoncé, “Love On Top”

  Skrillex and Diplo, “Take Ü There”

  Future, “Thought It Was a Drought”

  Meek Mill, “Monster”

  Rihanna, “Bitch Better Have My Money”

  Nothing’s perfect, but it’s worth it after fighting through my tears

  Beyoncé, “Love On Top”

  Beyoncé, “Drunk in Love (featuring Jay-Z)”

  Rick Ross, “Sanctified (featuring Kanye West and Big Sean)”

  Skrillex and Diplo, “Mind (featuring Kai)”

  Rick Ross, “I’m Not a Star”

  Nicki Minaj, “Truffle Butter (featuring Drake and Lil Wayne)”

  Miguel, “Coffee”

  Migos, “H
andsome and Wealthy”

  Migos, “Fight Night”

  Meek Mill, “Tupac Back (featuring Rick Ross)”

  Kanye West and Jay-Z, “Otis (featuring Otis Redding)”

  Kendrick Lamar, “King Kunta”

  John Legend, “All of Me (Tiësto’s Birthday Treatment Remix)”

  Jazmine Sullivan, “Dumb (featuring Meek Mill)”

  Jadakiss, “Smoking Gun (featuring Jazmine Sullivan)”

  Jay-Z, “Part II (On the Run) (featuring Beyoncé)”

  Usher, “Confessions, Part II”

  Skrillex and Diplo, “Where Are Ü Now (with Justin Bieber)”

  I ain’t gotta compete with a single soul

  Nicki Minaj “Truffle Butter”

  Kanye West, Big Sean, Pusha T, and 2 Chainz, “Mercy”

  DJ Dizzy, “Rolling in the Deep (Adele Remix Tribute)”

  Danity Kane, “Lemonade (featuring Tyga)”

  Disclosure, “Bang That”

  Beyoncé, “Crazy in Love (featuring Jay-Z)”

  John Mayer, “XO”

  Justin Bieber, “Change Me”

  Hozier, “Take Me to Church”

  Usher, “Twork It Out”

  John Mayer, “Stop This Train”

  A few months ago, my sister Kendall decided she wanted to train with Gunnar. She called me from the car on the way to the gym. “Can you please stay on the phone with me until I get inside?” she asked. I didn’t question her. I knew she was intimidated because I’d been there myself. Looking back, I realize that dose of intimidation was useful. Sometimes that kind of fear is healthy. It means you’re taking something seriously. And if you want to succeed at anything, you have to take it seriously.