Mr Majeika on the Internet

by Humphrey Carpenter

  The mouse nodded. “It’s not such a silly idea,” he said. “I’ve seen the Internet, from where I used to sit on the desk in front of the computer, but I’ve never been on it.”

  “How do we start?” asked Pete.

  “Perhaps we should shout out the names of the places we want to visit. Some computers can understand human voices, can’t they?”

  The mouse nodded. “That might work,” he said. “By the way, I never introduced myself properly. My name is Gulliver.”

  “Gulliver?” said Thomas. “I’ve heard that name somewhere before.”

  “It’s from a famous book called Gulliver’s Travels,” said Jody, “which is about a man who travels to strange lands and meets peculiar people. I’ve seen it on television. The first place Gulliver goes to is called Lilliput.”

  “Lilliput?” said Mr Majeika. “Oh, I went there myself, about three hundred years ago. It’s full of tiny people – the littlest people you’ve ever seen. Perhaps they could help us escape from the computer. Why don’t we go there right now? We’ll all shout the name and see if the computer can hear us.”

  “Of course it can,” said Hamish Bigmore. “A really super-modern computer like this one has ‘Voice Recognition’, which means you can tell it things and it understands them.”

  “Excellent,” said Mr Majeika. “Come on, everyone.”

  And all Class Three shouted, at the top of their voices, “Lilliput!”

  For an instant nothing happened, then all of a sudden they seemed to be sailing very fast in a ship. A moment later, it crashed into some rocks, throwing them on to dry land.

  The sun was shining very brightly, and they must have been exhausted after their journey at the speed of lightning, because they all fell asleep. When they woke up, Mr Majeika was nowhere to be seen.

  “I expect he’s gone for a walk,” said Jody. “I think we’re on a desert island, so maybe he’s gone off to explore it. Let’s stay where we are until he comes back.”

  Gulliver the mouse frowned. “I sense danger,” he said. “I think we ought to go and look for your teacher.” So they set off.

  They didn’t have far to look. Behind a clump of trees, they saw Mr Majeika lying on the ground, on his back. “Isn’t it nice here, Mr Majeika?” called Jody. But Mr Majeika didn’t reply, and when they reached him, they saw that he was tied up with tiny threads that were binding him to the ground. Even his mouth was tied so that he couldn’t speak.

  “Who’s done this, Mr Majeika?” asked Thomas. But of course Mr Majeika couldn’t answer.

  “Look!” said Jody. She’d spotted that, a little distance away, some very tiny people, less than a few centimetres high, were peering out at them from behind a rock. “This must be Lilliput,” said Jody. She called out to the little people, “We

  won’t harm you, if you’ll untie Mr Majeika.”

  There was a long pause, and then three of the tiny people stepped forward very nervously. “We’re sorry to have tied him up,” said one of them, “but you see, it’s very disturbing having our country invaded by giants like yourselves, who interrupt us at our very important work.”

  “We’re dreadfully busy,” said the second tiny person.

  “We spend all day at our computers,” said the third.

  “Oh,” said Thomas, “do you have computers too?”

  “Of course,” said the first Lilliputian.

  “They’re the only thing that makes life worth living. Do you know, computers can send information round the world at three times the speed of light?”

  “What sort of information?” asked Pete.

  “Oh, all kinds,” said the second Lilliputian. “On my computer, for example, I have a list of all the bananas that have ever been grown. I can send it from Lilliput to Honolulu and back again in just over three milliseconds. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  “Three milliseconds!” mocked the second Lilliputian. “That’s ridiculously slow! On my computer, I have a list of all the bricks that have ever been used to build houses. I can send it from Lilliput to Timbuctoo and back again in just over two milliseconds. Isn’t that wonderful?”

  “Two milliseconds!” mocked the other Lilliputian. “How slow can you get? On my computer, I have a list of all the sneezes that have ever been sneezed. I can send it from Lilliput to the North Pole and back again in less than one millisecond. Isn’t that incredible?”

  “What a load of rubbish!” laughed Hamish Bigmore. “Who cares how many bananas have ever been grown, or how many bricks have been used to build houses, or how many sneezes have ever been sneezed? You’re wasting your time.”

  “Don’t be rude, Hamish,” said Jody. “And anyway, what do you use your computer for at home? I’ve heard you boasting of all the things you’ve sent to and fro on the Internet, but they don’t sound any more sensible to me than what these Lilliput people are doing.”

  “Please,” Pete asked the Lilliputians, “we’re trying to get back to St Barty’s School. Can you help us?”

  The Lilliputians shook their heads. “But we’ll untie this giant,” they said, pointing at Mr Majeika, “if you’ll all go away and leave us alone.”

  “Of course we will,” said Thomas, and

  the Lilliputians began the untying. “But we don’t know where to go,” said Thomas. “Who can help us find our way home?”

  “You could go to Brobdingnag, and ask the people there,” answered the first Lilliputian.

  “Brobdingnag?” said Gulliver the mouse. “All right, we’ll try it. Let’s all shout the name, and then the computer will take us there, like it did to Lilliput.”

  “But wait a moment,” said Jody. “I remember that in Gulliver’s Travels, Brobdingnag is a country full of –”

  But it was too late. Everyone else had shouted “Brobdingnag!” and instantly they were whirling through the air.

  4. I’m Famous!

  “Giants,” said Jody, finishing what she’d been saying. “That’s what Brobdingnag is full of. We mustn’t go there, it might be dangerous.”

  But they were already there. Behind them, a giant notice board rose into the sky.

  “Welcome to Brobdingnag,” it said, “the web site where everyone is famous!”

  They picked themselves up, and were starting to look around when they heard giant footsteps. A huge man in an enormous T-shirt and jeans was strolling along. He was followed by another giant, who was holding a camera and taking lots of pictures of him. On the first giant’s T-shirt were the words “I’m famous!”

  When he saw Mr Majeika and Class Three, he waved to them and called out, “Hi there, tiny visitors to Brobdingnag. Pass up your autograph books and I’ll sign them for you.”

  “We don’t have any autograph books,” said Jody. “We didn’t know we were going to meet anyone famous.”

  “Never mind,” said the giant. “Why don’t I pick you all up, and then you can be in the photographs with me. When you get back home, you can tell all your friends you’ve had your picture taken with Famous Fred.”

  Class Three weren’t sure that they wanted to be picked up, but without waiting for their answer, Famous Fred scooped them off the ground into one of his giant hands. He held them in front of him, and the photographer took more pictures.

  “What are you famous for?” Thomas asked Famous Fred.

  “It’s a bit rude of my brother to ask that,” said Pete, “but you see, we’re strangers to this web site, and we don’t know anybody here yet.”

  “What am I famous for?” echoed Famous Fred. “What a silly question. I don’t understand it at all.”

  “Well,” said Jody, “take Mr Majeika, for example. He’s famous – at least at St Barty’s School, where we come from – for doing magic. What have you done that’s made you famous?”

  Famous Fred laughed. “Why, I’m famous for being famous,” he said. “What else is there to be famous for?”

  “He’s the most famous person in Brobdingnag this week,” explained the photographer,
taking more pictures of Fred. “There are photos of him in all the newspapers and magazines, and he keeps appearing on TV.”

  “But why, you silly idiots?” asked Hamish Bigmore rudely. “Where we come from, you can only get famous by doing something, like being a pop star or a footballer. This is a stupid web site if everyone can become famous for no reason at all!”

  “Don’t be rude, Hamish,” said Mr Majeika.

  “And I don’t think you’re right, Hamish,” said Jody. “We’ve got lots of famous people back home, who seem to be famous just for being famous.”

  “We’re having a party now for all the most famous people in Brobdingnag,” said Famous Fred. “I’ll take you all along to it. It’s at the television studios.”

  The photographer followed them, still taking pictures, as Fred carried Class Three and Mr Majeika further into the Brobdingnag web site. Other giants passed them by. They wore T-shirts which said things like “I’m very famous indeed”, “I’m even more famous than you”, and “I’m the most famous of everyone”. Each of them was followed by a photographer, taking pictures, and some of them had three or four photographers running after them with their cameras.

  Finally they reached a building which said:

  BROBDINGNAG TELEVISION STUDIOS

  – ONLY VERY FAMOUS PEOPLE ARE

  ALLOWED INSIDE.

  Famous Fred walked through the door. “Stop!” shouted a voice. It was a man in a peaked cap. “You can come in, Famous Fred,” he said, “but those little people you’re holding aren’t allowed in. They’re not famous.”

  “Oh,” said Fred. “I suppose they aren’t. Well, goodbye,” he said to Mr Majeika and Class Three, putting them down on the ground. “It was nice meeting you, and I’m sure you’re frightfully excited to have met someone as famous as me.”

  “Wait a minute,” said Jody. “I think we could become famous too. Is there anyone else in Brobdingnag who’s as tiny as us?”

  Famous Fred thought for a moment. “I’m sure there isn’t,” he said.

  “Then surely we ought to be famous for being the smallest people in the web site,” said Jody.

  “And Mr Majeika should be famous as the only school teacher who was once a wizard,” said Thomas.

  “And Hamish Bigmore should be famous for being the nastiest, rudest person in Class Three,” said Pete. Hamish stuck out his tongue at Pete, but really he was pleased at being called famous.

  “And Gulliver should be famous for being the only computer mouse that can talk,” said Jody.

  “I was listening to that,” said another giant, who had come up behind Famous Fred. “How do you do? My name is Celebrity Charles, and I run this TV station. You’re absolutely right, you should all be famous, and I’m going to make you famous by giving you your own TV show. Let’s call it The Famous Tiny People.”

  “What a good idea,” said Famous Fred. “And I can be the presenter.”

  “No you can’t, Fred,” said Celebrity Charles. “I’m bored with having you and your stupid friends on my programmes.

  These tiny people are right – none of you has done anything to be famous. You’re just famous for being famous, and that’s stupid.”

  Famous Fred started to look angry. “You can’t keep me off TV,” he said. “And you can’t keep my friends off it either. Look, here they all come now, and they’ll bash your TV station to bits if you don’t let all of us on your programmes.”

  “Couldn’t you take a rest from being famous for a bit?” Jody asked Famous Fred.

  He shook his head. “Being famous is the only thing that makes life worthwhile,” he said.

  Celebrity Charles and Famous Fred continued to argue, and it looked as if things could get quite nasty. But at that moment, Mr Majeika called out, “Look! There’s a flying saucer!”

  5. Party Time

  Sure enough, a flying saucer was floating past. Class Three waved and shouted at it, and it landed just outside the Brobdingnag Television Studios. A door opened in the side of it, and two smiling women in air hostess’s uniform came out.

  “Welcome to the flying land of Laputa,” said one of them.

  “Laputa!” said Jody. “That’s another place in Gulliver’s Travels, but I can’t remember what it’s like.”

  “Let’s find out,” said Gulliver the mouse.

  “We’re now boarding for this afternoon’s flight,” called the second hostess. “Step on board Laputa for the most exciting experience you’ve ever had.”

  “Can you take us back to St Barty’s School?” asked Thomas.

  “We can take you to the land of your dreams,” said the first hostess. “This is the last call for boarding, and thank you for choosing to fly Laputa.”

  Mr Majeika was doubtful, but Hamish Bigmore was already rushing on board, and the others had started to follow him. “Come along, Mr Majeika,” said Pete. “It’ll take us away from these stupid people who just want to be famous.”

  As soon as they got on board, the flying island took off again. It seemed to be a hundred times bigger inside than outside. Class Three had expected to see rows of seats, as in a plane, but instead it was a giant shopping centre. Lots of people were walking about, going in and out of the shops. Unlike the tiny Lilliputians and the giants of Brobdingnag, the Laputans were the same size as Class Three, but there was one peculiar thing about them.

  Round their necks, each of them wore a chain from which was hanging a large piece of plastic, the size of a notice board. These plastic boards weren’t all the same. Some had stripes across them, others had pictures, but all of them had the word CREDIT in big letters.

  Jody led the way into one of the shops. It didn’t seem to be selling anything that you would really want to buy – just expensive bits and pieces. But the Laputans were queuing up in dozens to spend their money.

  Or rather, they weren’t handing over actual money. When they got to the head of the queue, they gave the thing they wanted to buy to the shop assistant, who took hold of the CREDIT notice round the person’s neck, and cut a bit off it with a large pair of scissors.

  “Excuse me,” said Jody to one of the shoppers, “can you tell me about these CREDIT things you all wear?”

  The shopper, who was a plump middle-aged woman, looked at Jody in surprise. Jody repeated her question, but the woman shook her head, and pointed to the mobile phone she was holding in one hand.

  “I think she means you’ve got to phone her if you want to talk to her,” said Thomas. “Actually, I’ve noticed that none of the Laputans speak directly to each other. They only talk on the phone.” Jody looked around, and it was true. There were lots of chattering people among the crowd of shoppers, but they were all talking into mobile phones, even if the person they were speaking to was only a tiny distance away.

  “I haven’t got a mobile phone,” said Jody to the woman, who looked very shocked at this. “Anyway, it’s stupid to phone people when they’re standing right by you.”

  “No it’s not,” said Hamish Bigmore, who had been watching. “Just because you haven’t got one, silly old Jody, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t. It was a present from my parents last birthday.” He took his mobile out of his pocket, and handed it to Jody.

  The woman showed Jody which number to ring, and soon they were talking to each other on the mobiles.

  “I’m sorry not to have answered, dear, when you first spoke to me,” said the woman, “but, you see, we Laputans have all had mobile phones for about two hundred years – we’re far ahead of the rest of the world in scientific inventions. And since we’ve been using mobiles for so long, we’ve forgotten how to talk to each other without them.”

  “That’s a pity,” said Jody. “Please, could you tell me about those plastic notices round your necks?”

  “Notices? Those aren’t notices,” said the woman. “Those are our credit cards. Don’t you have credit cards where you come from?”

  “Oh yes,” said Jody, “but they’re not as

  big
as yours, and children don’t have them, only grown ups.”

  “I’ve got one!” boasted Hamish Bigmore. “It was a present from my parents last Christmas.”

  “In Laputa,” said the woman, “every baby gets a credit card the moment they’re born. And they keep them for the rest of their lives.”

  “And why do the shop-people cut bits off them when you buy things?” Jody asked.

  “Because we’re using up bits of our credit.”

  “You mean, like spending your money?” said Jody, and the woman nodded, though she said, “We haven’t had actual money, coins and banknotes, for hundreds of years. We just use the credit cards.”

  “So what happens,” went on Jody, “when the credit is all used up, and there’s no more plastic to cut off the cards?”

  “Oh, that never happens,” said the woman hastily, and changed the subject.

  “Are you coming to the party tonight?”

  “Is there a party?” said Jody. “We haven’t been invited.”

  “There’s a party every night, and all night long, in Laputa,” said the woman. “Anyone can go to it, providing they have a credit card to pay for it – and of course we all do have credit cards, so we can party all night long.”

  “Do you often go to the party?” Jody asked.

  “Every night,” said the woman, yawning. “That’s why I’m so tired. I never get any sleep.”

  “Don’t you have a job to do in the daytime?”

  The woman laughed. “My job is shopping. It’s what everyone’s job is in Laputa. We shop till we drop. Shop, shop, shop.”

  “But what about the people who work in the shops?” asked Jody. “Surely they’re doing jobs?”

  “Yes,” said the woman, “but in their spare time they shop shop shop as well.”

  “So you don’t do anything else in Laputa except shop and go to parties?”

  “No,” said the woman. “Why should we?”