American Decameron

by Mark Dunn

  “This is our sixth gathering,” said Jock. “And you’re wrong about our friend Marvin here. He isn’t an ambulance chaser; he works for the people of the great state of Missouri.” Then to his companions: “Really sorry about rushing things, guys.”

  “Perfectly understandable considering the circumstances,” said Dennis, taking up his shot glass.

  “What a good wife she would buh-eeee,” sang Marvin. Then he corrected himself: “What a good wife she was.”

  “That’s as good a toast as any,” said Dennis, raising his glass high. The other two men met his glass with their own over the middle of the table. “To Tracie, loving wife to us all. God bless and keep her in Heaven’s sweet embrace.”

  “Thanks for not bringing Jesus into this,” said Jewish Marvin.

  “You have anything to add to the toast, Jock?”

  “Uh. Let me see. Nice that we can come together every year and raise a glass to my first wife. And your first wife, Dennis. And as luck would have it, yours as well, Counselor Remnick.”

  “First, last, and only wife,” added Marvin by way of clarification.

  “Arm’s tired. Let’s get to the summation,” suggested Dennis.

  “To Tracie with love,” the three men said in unison. In the next moment they were each tossing back the drink that had been selected at the very first of their reunions to honor Tracie’s Scotch-Irish heritage.

  “Funny,” said Dennis, licking some of the amber liquid from his lips. “To think that each of our three divorces ended so well. Was Tracie anything but a good friend to you afterwards, Jock?”

  “To the day she died,” said Jock with a smile, his eyes moving about as he visited a couple of his best memories of the woman who had been wife, friend, and lover too, but never a mother due to her inability to have children and their mutual unwillingness to adopt. “Hell, Tracie even came to Jill’s and my wedding.”

  “Did she bring her stenograph?” asked Marvin, remembering that during the two years he’d been married to Tracie, she would sometimes drag her court reporter’s primary accessory to events for which the services of a court reporter would never have been required.

  “But of course,” laughed Jock. “To get a transcription of our vows for future reference.”

  Jock stood. The men shook hands. “Until next year,” said Jock. “Or around the courthouse—whichever comes first. But this is better, yes? Here we could never be adversaries.”

  Dennis smiled. “Despite the fact that ex-husbands are seldom on such good terms.”

  Dennis spent the two minutes that followed Jock’s departure trying to convince Marvin to let his friend drive him home.

  “Not quite ready to go yet, counselor,” said Marvin, looking up at Dennis through half-closed eyes.

  “Well, when you are ready to go, call a cab, Marvin. I’m serious.”

  “You sound like Tracie when you say that. She was always looking after me. Maybe that’s why she never wanted to adopt. She liked mothering the three of us too much.”

  “Interesting point, Marvin. I’ll take it under advisement.”

  “So what was it we were doing wrong that kept her from wanting to have any of us around?”

  “What I think—and here’s something I have come pretty close to figuring out—is that our Tracie fell out of love very easily. She dug the romance, the sex, the custodial duties for a while. But when it all started to get a little old, there wasn’t enough of what else we were giving her to keep her from looking elsewhere.”

  Marvin nodded. Then he asked, “Do you still miss her?”

  “Every day, Marv. Each and every day.” The two men got quiet for a moment. “Say, it’s great to get together and share stories, isn’t it? You take care of yourself, okay?”

  Marvin nodded.

  “And you keep right on putting those Mound City thugs behind bars, Counselor Remnick—present company’s clients naturally excluded.”

  Marvin answered with a wordless salute.

  Marvin watched Dennis walk out of the bar. He shifted his focus to Kurt, whose hand was on the bar’s sound system, cutting Billy Joel off right in the middle of “She’s Always a Woman to Me.” Billy had just sung, “She is frequently kind and she’s suddenly cruel.”

  Suddenly cruel. Yes, that was the marriage-jettisoning Tracie all right, thought Marvin.

  Now Saturday Night Fever was back with “If I Can’t Have You,” performed for the movie by Yvonne Elliman.

  “If I can’t have you, I don’t want no other, baby,” Marvin sang along softly. Then he raised his third glass of Lauder’s to the only woman he had ever loved. “You aren’t getting rid of me that easy, baby.”

  Old Man Rivers raised his head from his bar towel pillow to make an unsuccessful (and clearly disingenuous) request for “one for the road.” Yvonne kept singing and Marvin kept drinking and remembering and aching.

  1979

  GOING THROUGH THE MILL IN TEXAS

  NO. 23,471

  THE STATE OF TEXAS }{ JUSTICE COURT

  v. }{ PRECINCT NO. SIX

  ROBERTINE WINDROW }{ DALLAS CTY, TX

  AFFIDAVIT FOR WARRANT OF ARREST AND DETENTION

  The undersigned Affiant, who after being duly sworn by me, on oath, makes the following statement: I have good reason to believe, and do believe, that Robertine Windrow on or about the 29th of October, 1979, did commit the offense of Assault by Contact.

  1.) I the affiant was dispatched to 2415 Ector Crossing, Dallas, Texas, in response to a family disturbance.

  2.) I met with Gus Windrow W/M, Zena Windrow W/F, and Robertine Windrow W/F.

  3.) G. Windrow stated that R. Windrow had threatened Z. Windrow with a coffee pot. G. Windrow said this is not the first time R. Windrow has waved the coffee pot in a circular motion above her head, and on a good many occasions she has ended up hurling it at someone. Z. Windrow stated that this particular evening R. Windrow threw the coffee pot at her twice. The first time it almost hit the dog, Cuddles. Z. Windrow said the second throw struck her in what she believed to be the nape of the neck, although she has never been completely sure which part of the neck constitutes the “nape.” I asked witness G. Windrow if he saw where the coffee pot struck Z. Windrow and he stated, “In the kitchen.”

  4.) G. Windrow stated, further, that R. Windrow is prone to frequent tantrums and has thrown the coffee pot at G. Windrow and Z. Windrow in nearly every room of the house. The victim, Z. Windrow, alleged that on one occasion R. Windrow followed her and G. Windrow to the Spoke and Reins Supper Club and threw the coffee pot at her while G. and Z. Windrow were kicking up their heels dancing the Cotton-Eyed Joe.

  5.) Robertine Windrow is the daughter of Gus Windrow and Zena Windrow. Gus Windrow, however, is not her biological father. That would be Arliss Smuell, a W/M who lives in Fort Stockton and breeds ferrets.

  6.) After questioning all present, I proceeded to arrest R. Windrow, who then began yelling “Police assault!” at the top of her lungs. When she realized that this was getting her nowhere, she began yelling “Attica!” and then “Fire!” and finally, with less steam, “Taxi!”

  7.) R. Windrow was booked into DCJ. At this time she asked the booking sergeant for her coffee pot. This request was denied, though she was commended for her chutzpa.

  8.) All the above occurred in Dallas County, Texas, except for the part about Arliss Smuell. He lives in Pecos County.

  (signed) Deputy Strawn Birdie

  Office of Dallas County Sheriff

  SWORN AND SUBSCRIBED TO before me the Affiant on this the 29th day of October, 1979: Morris Morales, NOTARY PUBLIC

  * * *

  CAUSE NO. 23,471

  THE STATE OF TEXAS }{ JUSTICE COURT

  v. }{ PRECINCT NO. SIX

  ROBERTINE WINDROW }{ DALLAS CTY, TX

  TO THE HONORABLE JUDGE OF SAID COURT:

  NOW COMES THE DEFENDANT ON THIS 30TH DAY OF SEPTEMBER, 1979, AND PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO THE CHARGE OF ASSAULT BY CONTACT, AND REQUESTS A HEARING.
>
  (signed) Robertine Windrow

  OPTIONAL: State briefly your reason for pleading not guilty. (This information is requested for statistical purposes only and will not be considered as an adjunct to your sworn testimony.)

  I read the affadavid which officer Birdie filled out on last night. I never seen so many lies on sheet of paper in my life. If he gets up that stand and spouts them same lies I’m going to through something right at him head I mean it.

  Why did he lie? Why did he lie? I tell you why Officer Birdie lyed. Because my parents payed him. He took there money and lyed. Yes he was bribed. I tried to tell them at the jail. I say look in his pockets. Check the fingerprints on the money in his pockets. You’ll find my Daddy’s fingerprints. Say she swing that coffeepot round like it was a nunchuck. Here ten dollers. Say she hit in the nape. Here ten more dollers. Say she followed us to the Spoke and Rains Supper Club and through the coffeepot at us while we was kicking up our heels dancing the Cotton Eyed Joe. Here twentyfive dollers because that one was good one. Heh heh.

  I’m just sitting there in the den being quite and not bothering nobody. Just watching the Newleywed Game and drinking my cupcoffee. That’s all. Just drinking my cupcoffee. And he puts hancuffs on me like I was an animal and halls me off to jail.

  It is an outrag.

  * * *

  NO. 14672

  PUBLIC INTOXICATION

  THE STATE OF TEXAS }{ JUSTICE COURT

  v. }{ PRECINCT NO. SIX

  ZENA WINDROW }{ DALLAS CTY, TX

  AFFIDAVITS FILED IN DEFENSE OF ZENA WINDROW

  The undersigned Affiants, who after being duly sworn by me, on oath, make the following statements:

  AFFIANT: VIONA HASKELL

  My neighbor Zena Windrow has been inconvenienced since the summer of 1959 by her marriage to Gus, who is nothing but trouble in human form, and by their hellcat daughter Robertine, who throws coffee pots at people and watches Bob Eubanks without her clothes on. Zena is a good woman and does not drink as a rule until she is pushed to the limit, and even then, her intoxicated behavior is unobtrusive and almost demure, unlike her husband Gus and that she-devil daughter Robertine, who have been known to get into howling competitions with each other and ululate until at least two in the morning. The fact that her husband was arrested last night for celebrating too noisily the arrest of that sewer-mouthed minx daughter of theirs should have been no cause for arresting of Zena. She was merely a bystander to his antics, although she did hold a can of malt liquor in her hand as if she meant business.

  AFFIANT: GINGER CRAMPO

  I heard noise out in the street and thought it was Barbara Bel Geddes, who my husband believes comes into our neighborhood to hit garbage can lids together. I looked out to see Gus Windrow hooting and hollering as if he had just won the Irish Sweepstakes and banging garbage can lids together as if he was Barbara Bel Geddes. Zena was pleading with him to stop and trying to pull him back inside though he would have none of it. My husband said that he would call the police if Mr. Windrow didn’t go back inside, but he ignored him and then went and peed on one of our tires. Not a tire that was on a car but the tire that I had been using for a raised marigold garden. Zena was NOT the one drinking!

  * * *

  PLAINTIFF’S ORIGINAL PETITION

  SMALL CLAIMS CAUSE NUMBER 10212

  Filed: October 31, 1979

  Plaintiff: Ginger Crampo

  Defendant: Gus Windrow

  The Defendant is justly indebted to the Plaintiff in the sum of $55.00 for: (Briefly describe the nature of Plaintiff’s demand and claim.)

  I am filing this small claims suit against Mr. Gus Windrow for damages that were done to several of my front yard ornaments last night. Mr. Windrow fell onto one of my hedges and trampled a bed of nasturtiums and urinated on my marigolds. What is more, he put toilet paper in my trees and I am not altogether certain that the toilet paper is fresh off the roll. I am enclosing Polaroids of the damage. You will note that in one of the pictures I am standing in front of one of my vandalized trees holding today’s newspaper to establish that the vandalism occurred last night and not tonight. This being Halloween, I am certain that ruffians in my neighborhood will deposit their own toilet paper and Mr. Gus Windrow will insist that all of the toilet paper was theirs.

  * * *

  DEFENDANT’S ORIGINAL ANSWER

  SMALL CLAIMS CAUSE NUMBER 10212

  Filed: November 5, 1979

  Plaintiff: Ginger Crampo

  Defendant: Gus Windrow

  I am contesting this lawsuit brought against me by Mrs. Crampo. I did not put that toilet paper in her trees. I’ll admit that I was in a celebratory mood, as my daughter Robertine had finally been placed safely behind bars after spending a lifetime making her mother and me miserable with the hurling of various objects at us and speaking nasty of her mother’s cooking, though Zena tries very hard to make good meals for us both in spite of the fact that she has to work two jobs, because I cannot work after an industrial accident that left both of my hands turned backwards.

  Who is Mrs. Crappo fooling by standing out in her yard holding a newspaper dated October 31? I know for a fact that she filed this lawsuit on November 1 and gave it the date of October 31 so that I would have to clean up what those tricksters in the neighborhood put into her trees. And what does it mean to hold up a newspaper anyway? I could stand on the grassy knoll and hold up a newspaper from 1963 and you’re still not going to believe that I was at Dealey Plaza on the day that JFK got shot, especially since there will be those (such as my wife Zena) who will tell you in all honesty that I was actually in Fort Worth at the time having a boil on my bottom lanced.

  Mrs. Crappo blamed me for rolling her yard so she would not have to finger the roughneck boys. That’s “A.” And “B”—Mrs. Crappo blamed me because she is trying to build a case for having Zena and me evicted because her brother Vance Holman, who owns Holman Properties, wants us out as of yesterday!

  * * *

  NO. 5714

  HOLMAN PROPERTIES }{ JUSTICE COURT

  v. }{ PCT. NUMBER FIVE

  G. WINDROW, Z. WINDROW ET AL. }{ DALLAS CTY, TX

  SWORN COMPLAINT FOR FORCIBLE DETAINER

  TO THE HONORABLE JUDGE OF SAID COURT:

  COMES NOW on November 7, 1979, Holman Properties, Plaintiff herein, and files this action of forcible entry and detainer against Gus and Zena Windrow and all others, Defendants herein, and in support of such action would show the Court as follows:

  I.

  Plaintiff is Holman Properties.

  II.

  Defendants Gus and Zena Windrow, and daughter Robertine Windrow, are individuals residing in Dallas County, Texas, and may be served with citation in this case at 2415 Ector Crossing in Dallas, Dallas County, Texas.

  III.

  This is a lawsuit to evict the Defendants from property located at 2415 Ector Crossing, Dallas, Texas, within the jurisdictional boundaries of Precinct Six, Dallas County, Texas.

  IV.

  The plaintiffs are on a month-to-month lease. Notice to vacate was given on September 6, 1979.

  V.

  Although the defendants have always paid their rent on time, they are not model tenants by any means and reasons for their eviction continue to mount like broken promises from an alcoholic whore. Most recently, a neighbor, one Ginger Crampo, reported that the defendant Gus Windrow urinated on an ottoman in her living room urinated on a tire in her front yard and draped her trees with soiled toilet paper.

  VI.

  There is also the matter of the daughter Robertine Windrow, who is a menace to the neighborhood, and we understand has just been released from jail so that she can continue on her rampage against the commons. An employee of Holman Properties once saw her through the window of Mr. Pickles’ Laundromat taking delicates that did not belong to her from an unattended dryer and then rubbing them roughly against her cheek in an act of lingerie mischief. The employee went in and had a long talk with her. He told her th
at she could not continue to behave in such an antisocial way, and that she was a menace to the neighborhood. Did she not notice the way that neighbors retreated into their homes when she traipsed by? Did she not see them standing half hidden behind curtains, fearfully brandishing things with long handles and defensive prongs? Furthermore, he explained to her that if she didn’t clean up her act, Holman Properties would have no choice but to evict her and her parents from its rental house. She responded by pouring an entire single-load box of Tide upon the employee’s head, which released enough laundry flakes into his hair that he was comically nicknamed “Mr. Druff” at that morning’s property managers’ meeting. (His first name is Dan.)

  VII.

  Plaintiff prays that Defendants be served with Citations and that Plaintiff have judgment for possession of the premises as soon as authorized by law, and judgment for costs and attorney’s fees, if applicable.

  Respectfully submitted,

  Axel Montgomery

  7400 E. Nacogdoches

  Dallas, Texas

  ATTY FOR PLAINTIFF

  * * *

  CAUSE NO. 76119

  THE STATE OF TEXAS }{ IN THE JUSTICE COURT

  v. }{ PRECINCT NO. SIX

  ROBERTINE WINDROW }{ DALLAS CTY, TX

  TO THE HONORABLE JUDGE OF SAID COURT:

  NOW COMES THE DEFENDANT ON THIS 21ST DAY OF NOVEMBER, 1979, AND PLEADS NOT GUILTY TO THE CHARGE OF SPEEDING 85/45, AND REQUESTS A HEARING.

  (signed) Gus Windrow

  OPTIONAL: State briefly your reason for pleading not guilty. (This information is requested for statistical purposes only and will not be considered as an adjunct to your sworn testimony.)

  My wife and stepdaughter and I had just been evicted from our house and were making every effort to leave the neighborhood in a timely fashion, but no, it was not fast enough for our neighbors, who were anxious to get their “Finally Free of the Windrows” barbecue block party started, so happy were they to have us gone that their display of joy bordered on the obscene. When some of the younger among them began to throw rocks and beer cans and Eight is Enough action figures at us, I put the pedal to the metal to get off of that street with my family and my life intact. This is why I was speeding. These were extenuating circumstances if there ever were any.