Love by the Numbers

by Karin Kallmaker

  “Something like that.” There was a slight wry twist to her lips as she added, “Based on your pupil dilation and perspiration on your upper lip, I would guess that you’re equally chemically challenged.”

  “That’s just from dancing earlier.”

  “There you go denying what exists again.”

  Lily shivered as Nicole brushed her lips close to her ear. “It’s a coping mechanism.”

  For a scant moment, not even as long as a heartbeat, she hoped Nicole might laugh and back away, but Lily’s undoing was the deep, quiet noise that Nicole made as she inhaled the scent of Lily’s hair.

  She grabbed Nicole by the lapels of her jacket and yanked. They stumbled into Lily’s room, finding the wall just inside the door.

  “I think, Dr. Hathaway, we should examine our symptoms. Make a complete diagnosis.”

  Nicole did laugh at that, just long enough for Lily to feel the smile against her lips as Nicole kissed her, this time aggressively. Lily shivered against Nicole’s lean, strong body and opened her mouth with a throaty groan she didn’t try to hide. If this was about chemicals and neurobiological imperatives for Nicole, so be it, Lily thought. It was a coping mechanism, after all.

  But it was unnerving not to see Nicole’s face. She fumbled for the switch and light blossomed from the bathroom. As Nicole pressed her lips to the tender skin below Lily’s ear, Lily tried to pull down the zipper on the side of her dress and felt Nicole’s fingers join hers. The soft burr as the zipper gave way sent another thrill down Lily’s spine. After another breathless kiss Nicole stepped back enough to let Lily shimmy out of the dress.

  Nicole made a helpless, appreciative sound. Then one arm coiled around Lily’s bare waist, pulling her into a tight embrace. A finger slipped first under a bra strap, then trailed down her ribs to ease just under the top of Lily’s panties. She tightened her grasp, nearly lifting Lily off her feet.

  She instinctively wrapped her arms around Nicole’s neck and her legs around Nicole’s waist.

  It was only a few steps to the bed with its neatly turned down sheets. Nicole set her gently on the edge. For a breathless moment Lily was washed over with shyness. She looked up at Nicole, not sure what to do next. She put her fingers to the front clasp of her bra, but Nicole pulled them away.

  Her eyelids were heavy with desire. “I’ll take that off of you when I’m ready.”

  Lily exhaled in surprise and a hot shock of pure arousal. When Nicole yanked her bra straps down her shoulders she pulled Nicole’s mouth to her breasts. The dopamine made her do it, that was the answer.

  They rolled across the bed and Lily found herself on her back, her panties down to her knees and Nicole’s denim-covered thigh hard against her soaked and aching flesh. She moaned, then couldn’t hold back a yelp as the jacket zipper dug into her pelvis.

  Nicole shrugged out of the jacket and awkwardly pulled off one boot, then the other, tossing both to the floor. Then the smooth cotton of her T-shirt was against Lily’s stomach and breasts, warm and soft, but only increasing Lily’s desire to feel Nicole’s skin against hers.

  Lily ground against Nicole’s thigh and felt as if she were going to break apart. She tried to speak but her throat was parched from panting. After a swallow she managed to ask, “Do you want me to take off my shoes too?”

  “God no.” Nicole leaned down to tease Lily’s nipple through the pale pink fabric of her bra, first with her tongue, then with her teeth. “I want you just like this.”

  Lily gave up what restraint she had left. I’m doing this because it feels good, not because I’m in love with her. It’s just my brain, not my heart.

  Pinned by Nicole’s weight and a restraining hand on her arm, she coiled her free hand in Nicole’s hair and pulled Nicole’s head away from her breasts.

  Through parted lips Nicole asked, “Did I hurt you?”

  “No. I just want your mouth somewhere else.”

  Nicole’s hips jerked involuntarily and her eyes narrowed with lust. Lily felt a heightened chill of awareness. She might be the one on her back but she had some control over Nicole.

  Nicole shook Lily’s hand out of her hair, then leaned her thigh deliberately into Lily so firmly that Lily whimpered in need.

  “I want to feel your skin,” she pleaded.

  “We’ll get there,” Nicole promised. “But I believe you had a request first.”

  Lily’s head swam at the whisper of Nicole’s breath across her stomach. “Yes.”

  “You of all people should know how to ask.”

  She returned Nicole’s not-quite-teasing look with a wry smile. “Please?”

  Nicole let out a low laugh as she kissed Lily’s inner thigh. Lily tried to lift her hips to complete their contact but Nicole lifted her head. “Now say it like you mean it.”

  Lily’s already pounding heart thudded against her ribs. She knew she should laugh it off, somehow regain safety in the distance a show of amusement would bring. A prickle of fear that she was giving up too much ran down her arms, but there was no strength in her for anything more than a ragged, breathless, “Please, Cole.”

  The first touch of Nicole’s mouth on her drew out a sharp cry. The raw pleasure of it was intense but her fear surged as well—until she heard Nicole’s groan and realized that Nicole was trembling as she deeply tasted Lily, then retreated to tease and savor. With an earthy groan she finished peeling off Lily’s panties. Moments later her bra joined the panties on the floor.

  Deliciously naked, Lily spread herself on the bed. Nicole’s T-shirt was soft against her legs as Nicole settled again, this time between Lily’s legs. When Nicole’s tongue flicked over her swollen flesh all of her nerves ignited in a frenzy of sensation that left Lily gasping for breath.

  Already overwhelmed, legs shaking, she felt the teasing pressure of Nicole’s fingers. She wrapped her arms around herself as if that would somehow save her. She arched up to Nicole’s mouth, then ground down on her fingers while the bed seemed to spin and quake under her.

  Shuddering with release, she wanted to cry when Nicole’s clothed body covered hers. She felt wanton and exposed, and aftershocks of pleasure kept her hips moving, begging for more. Nicole’s long, sensuous kisses, sharing the taste of Lily’s saltysweet essence, brought Lily’s desire to a raging boil.

  She pulled at Nicole’s T-shirt with her hands. “I need to feel you. Please, Cole.”

  It might have been a trick of the light, but for a moment Nicole looked shy. But the look was gone after she unceremoniously stripped off her shirt and bra. Lily couldn’t help her hands—she filled them with the small, soft wonder of Nicole’s breasts.

  Lily swept her hands to Nicole’s back, enjoying the feeling of taut muscles under her fingertips. Nicole didn’t resist as Lily pushed both hands down the back of her jeans, and the guttural moan she made was very satisfying.

  Her skin was hot against Nicole’s. She tried to stay rooted in what her body felt, to revel in the physical, but with every touch, every kiss, it felt as if Nicole was caressing her heart.

  Too late, she thought, too late. The damage was done. Nicole was everywhere inside her that mattered, in places that would be cold and empty in future days.

  She begged for more and Nicole gave it to her. She said earthy, needy words that Nicole answered. For hours her body rose to Nicole’s touch, possessed with a wild, unleashed abandon.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Nicole stirred in the night to find Lily curled against her. In the low light from the bathroom her features were exquisite and fragile, though Nicole knew now how strong Lily was as well. She held her breath as she memorized the lines and curves of Lily’s face from this intimate angle. A coil of Lily’s hair tickled at her nose and she exhaled, finally, and felt all over again the swell of euphoria, of tenderness and desire.

  She hadn’t known she would need so many words to describe her emotions. This was unfamiliar territory. Kate—with whom she shared half her DNA—was comfortable feeling emotio
ns and equally comfortable talking about them and, in the case of an older sister who refused on principle to give her answers to her science homework, express them at the top of her lungs. Nicole had kept her emotions tucked in the pockets of Cole’s jacket. She had thought letting them out was too risky.

  She gently ran her fingertips across the silky hair on the pillow. Risky to let feelings out, but this was the reward. A reward, she mused, until the consequences that would surely follow turned the reward into a penalty. So they were both lesbians, surprise, surprise. So they enjoyed the same kind of sex, obviously. The magnitude of Lily’s surrender had been deeply arousing and she’d felt almost drunk.

  With a shock she realized that Lily’s eyes were open.

  “It’s not morning yet,” Nicole whispered.

  “Good.” Lily lightly touched Nicole’s cheek with her fingers. “I don’t care what the theories of time are. I don’t want this night to end.”

  Lily’s kisses were searchingly gentle, but the intent in her eyes was clear. An answering tremble in her belly made Nicole moan softly and Lily smiled against her mouth.

  “To help you get back to sleep,” Lily said as one hand lazily brushed over one nipple, her ribs, then across her hips. “Please let me.”

  Unable to speak, Nicole rolled onto her back, cradling Lily’s head between her breasts. Lily’s touch was so gentle that it seemed to slide past Nicole’s primal needs to stroke something else inside her, something that didn’t seem to have one physical location.

  She closed her eyes, fighting the feeling of being lost. She told herself none of her feelings made sense. This was not the first time she’d done this, so why did she feel as if it were?

  She couldn’t catch her breath. The pressure of Lily’s fingers ought to feel like every other woman’s touch, but it didn’t. Why were her eyes swimming with tears? Why did Lily’s light kisses across her chest make it so hard to inhale?

  She shuddered against Lily, who whispered something soft in response. Muscles knotted, clenched, relaxed as Nicole clamped one hand over her mouth. She couldn’t afford the words that would only confuse tomorrow.

  Her body was melting into afterglow. Dopamine was flowing through her blood. Meanwhile her brain raced with panic: the numbers no longer added up to anything she was willing to admit might be real.

  When Lily stretched out alongside her Nicole hoped she looked as composed and sleepy as a woman could be after a powerful orgasm in the middle of the night.

  Lily’s smile was drowsy as she tucked one hand under Nicole’s shoulder and sighed with contentment. “I don’t know that I’d call us even, but at least I’ve put something more on my side of the scales.”

  “Thank you.” Nicole was surprised her voice was so steady. Her throat felt choked with tears and an ineffable anguish. She pulled the sheet over them only to realize it was unanchored and now their feet were exposed.

  Lily wriggled until they were covered again and her eyelids promptly drooped. “If your feet get cold you can cuddle up to me.”

  Nicole didn’t want to close her eyes. She wanted to go on remembering the shadows on Lily’s cheeks, the curl of her lashes. If she didn’t sleep then tomorrow might not come.

  There, she thought. She was officially in denial of scientific law. She was now worthy of being in one of her own case studies.

  The thought was not comforting, but the scent and warmth of Lily’s body was enough to lull her back to sleep.

  * * *

  When Lily woke again, her arms still feeling like melted butter, she thought at first the clamor was the alarm clock. But it was actually the phone on the bedside table. Nicole was stirring as Lily muttered a bad word and scrabbled the receiver off the base.

  “Is this Lily?” The clipped voice was stretched thin with stress.

  Lily sat bolt upright, clutching the sheet over her breasts. “This is Lily, Indira. What’s wrong?”

  Nicole surged out of the sheets with a gasp.

  “I need to find Nicole. It’s Kate—”

  “She’s right here.” Lily realized too late that Nicole might not want her mother to know she was in Lily’s hotel room at four thirty in the morning, but Indira was clearly distraught.

  Nicole, who had been rummaging through her clothes on the floor, was staring at her phone display in dismay. Pointing at the display she handed it to Lily and took the desk handset.

  “Mom, what happened?”

  The latest text message received on Nicole’s phone read, “Kate still in surgery. Where are you?” The missed call alert held a dozen or more from Indira, starting just after midnight.

  Lily wrapped herself in the sheet, went to the desk and opened her laptop. Every minute might count in getting Nicole onto a flight home.

  “Mom, slow down,” Nicole said. “I’m sorry, I was asleep. I didn’t hear the phone vibrate. What’s happened?” There was a long pause, then Nicole said, “A girl? Is she okay?”

  Lily’s heart stopped for a moment as she looked at Nicole in a panic. Kate wasn’t due for more than a month, she’d thought. Had Kate lost the baby? Nicole gave what seemed like a reassuring smile, but she was getting more pale by the moment. Lily fetched a glass of water from the bathroom which she pressed into Nicole’s hand.

  “So after the C-section—they tried an angiogram? Mom, an angiogram is a test, not a treatment. She went in for high blood pressure? But the baby’s okay?” Nicole stared at the glass of water as if she didn’t know how it had gotten in her hand, then sipped. Lily took the glass just before Nicole sank down on the bed, cradling her head in her free hand.

  “Those were the exact words? The doctor actually said to prepare for the worst?”

  Lily wanted to smash her sluggish laptop keyboard. She wasn’t even past the hotel’s log in yet.

  “I can be home later today,” Nicole was saying. “As soon as I can. Is there a doctor I can talk to? Kate is too strong, the doctor is just being cautious.”

  Nicole didn’t sound as if she believed it. Lily gave up on her computer and began grabbing things off the dresser to stuff into her suitcase. They needed showers. A cab to the airport would be easy to order. Nicole could be home by afternoon.

  “I’ll call again in about thirty minutes, Mom. If you can find a doctor who will talk to me, that would be good. Lily will get me there, it’s okay.”

  The moment she clicked the phone off Lily said, “It’s best to get ourselves to the airport as soon as possible.”

  Nicole was staring at the handset, frozen except for the slight trembling in her hand.

  “You’re right, Kate is very strong. The baby is a girl?”

  Nicole’s nod was distracted. “A girl. Kate had cramps last night after dinner and started to bleed, so my mother drove her to the hospital. Her blood pressure was very high but the baby wasn’t in distress. It sounds like they planned to have Kate stay in the hospital for every possible extra day for the baby to be in utero, but the baby’s vitals suddenly dropped and they took them into emergency surgery. The baby’s in perinatal care. Kate lost a lot of blood and my mother wasn’t very clear about exactly what’s wrong now. She’s on a ventilator, they’re trying to get blood back into her, but the doctor said to expect the worst—” Nicole’s voice broke.

  Lily abandoned the modesty of the sheet to join Nicole on the bed. She wanted in the worst way to pull Nicole into her arms. Instead, she said, “Let me help.”

  Nicole scrubbed her eyes, nodding slightly as if making notes in her head. Lily wasn’t surprised when Nicole resumed gathering her clothes. “Thirty minutes?”

  “Yes, I can be ready by then,” Lily promised. “In the cab we can both start calling airlines.”

  Nicole was out the door and inside her own room before Lily’s door clicked shut. Lily surveyed the wreck of the bed, her panties and bra on the floor next to her stilettos. She wadded her undergarments and the shoes into a corner of her suitcase and ignored the echoes of her broken pleas and gasps of unrestrained
pleasure. But every time she stopped moving, even for a moment, she felt herself under Nicole’s body and relived the sensation of Nicole’s kisses.

  In the shower Lily fought the urge to cry as she stood under the hot water. She wished there had been a chance to say “Thank you” or even “Wow that was fun.”

  Her suitcase was just about packed when she realized that Nicole’s leather jacket was half-rolled up in the comforter she’d tossed back onto the bed. She indulged herself for five seconds, holding it against her face and inhaling the scent. It wasn’t one she’d associated with Nicole until last night, and now she might never be able to forget it.

  Telling herself to focus, she folded it into her suitcase. She’d return it when they got to Nicole’s house.

  Everything stowed and her carry-on and purse stacked on top of her big suitcase, she opened her door to find Nicole already in the hallway.

  “I talked to my mother again,” Nicole said. “No new news. She sounded like she was about to break. I called one of her friends to go to the hospital. She was on her way before we hung up.”

  “I’m glad she has a friend like that.”

  “Several. They’re organizing support—typical of my mother not to call anyone for help. She’s the first person there when someone needs a helping hand, which of course comes with plenty of free advice.” Nicole’s expression was rueful. “Anyway, someone will meet us at Logan.”

  “Terrific.”

  The cab ride seemed to take twice as long as when they’d arrived, even though the early morning traffic was light. They took turns calling airlines only to be told there were no flights until the afternoon. Lily thought it best not to book and try their luck in person.

  Ticket counters were just opening up when they rolled their suitcases into the terminal at six a.m. When they’d arrived two days ago Lily had been appreciative of the whimsical sculptures and photographic tributes to the airport’s namesake, Louis Armstrong. Now she hardly saw them as she made a beeline for the departures display. “There’s a nonstop that leaves in less than an hour,” Lily announced. “Maybe too close to book over the phone, but they might ticket it in person.”