Love by the Numbers

by Karin Kallmaker

  Fascinating, perhaps, if it were happening to someone else.

  She turned her car over to a valet at a Midtown parking garage and told the receptionist in the Insignis Publishing House lobby that she did not have an appointment.

  Just a few moments later, looking as if he’d hurriedly rolled down his sleeves, Damon Linden appeared. “Nicole, what a surprise.”

  “I was in the neighborhood.”

  He raised his eyebrows at that and ushered her down the hallway to his office. The midday sun was peeking through afternoon clouds, but as striking as the view was, it was not what she’d been hoping to see. Nor did the quiet, purposeful sounds of the office include Lily’s voice or laughter.

  After waving her to one of the chairs at the small conference table in his office, Damon said, “Congratulations on your new niece.”

  “Thank you. My sister loved the fruit basket and sends her thanks.”

  “What brings you to New York? Lily tells me you were eager for a break, which I completely understand. All the feedback we’ve received so far has been stellar.”

  “I want to talk to Lily.”

  His expression shifted enough to signal puzzlement, so Nicole presumed that Lily had not discussed anything about her with him. “She’s not answering her phone?”

  Nicole felt a vivid blush heat her cheeks. She’d not even tried. What a colossal idiot she’d become.

  Giving her an odd look, he picked up the phone on his desk, pressed a few buttons, then said, “Hi—just making sure your phone works. Thanks.”

  She said nothing after he’d disconnected. This is what all the seratonin and dopamine plus the heaps of oxytocin had gotten her into. Utter humiliation and reckless decisions. She was literally madly in love. “I just want to see her.”

  Damon’s voice took on a protective tone that sounded more like an uncle than an employer. “Then may I respectfully suggest you do what I just did?”

  She found there was nothing remotely dignified to say to that. She might have sat there for several more minutes, mute and crimson, but for the opening of the office door.

  There was a flash of blond hair, a glimpse of a leather jacket. And green eyes.

  “What was that all about—oh!”

  Nicole got to her feet though her knees felt like jelly. Lily’s hair was cut pixie short and the blond wisps with vivid red roots looked stylish and attractive. And even though it was a little long in the sleeves and wide in the shoulders, she was wearing Nicole’s leather jacket and looking as impossibly sexy in it as she did in everything else. In her jeans and a pair of ankle boots she looked every inch a Manhattan girl, used to bright lights and a fast-moving life.

  “You changed your hair.”

  Lily flushed. “Yes—I had to do something about it.”

  There was a long silence. Nicole stole a glance at Damon, who looked understandably curious.

  Finally, Nicole said, “My jacket looks good on you.”

  Lily’s gaze was fixed somewhere over Nicole’s shoulder. Her cheeks remained bright red. “I should have told you I had it. Do you want it back?”

  “No.”

  “Was there something about the itinerary that was wrong?”

  “No.”

  Finally, Lily met her gaze. “So…?”

  Nicole didn’t know what she’d expected to happen. She supposed she’d hoped that the sight of her would have Lily throwing herself into her arms, but words were apparently going to have to do.

  She got no further than, “I feel—”

  “You feel…” Lily echoed.

  “I would like to talk to you.”

  Lily blinked. “Talk to me about your feelings?”

  “Yes.”

  Lily’s confused expression was softened with a smile. “Did you know that right now you are frowning as if someone has asked you to do their research conclusions for them?”

  “No.” Her heart felt like it was trying to turn inside out. “I would like to buy you a cup of coffee.”

  “I see. Just a casual cup of coffee.”

  “Casual is the last word that describes me at this moment, Lily.”

  Damon abruptly stood up. “I think I’ll get some coffee. You two can talk.”

  When the office door was closed and they were alone, Nicole decided that putting her hands in her pockets would keep her from reaching for Lily. She’d no sooner done that than she realized Lily was in motion. She was hastily grabbed, kissed and released. Lily then retreated behind Damon’s desk.

  “I wasn’t going to ask,” Nicole said.

  “That’s why I did it.”

  This woman will never make any sense to me, Nicole thought. There was surprising comfort in the idea that she could rely on Lily’s ability to confound her. After all, in equations consistent uncertainty was treated as a constant.

  She no longer felt as if her heart were coming apart in her chest. The lingering warmth of Lily’s lips filled her with a heady sense of well-being. It felt ridiculously wonderful.

  The only honest course was to admit that Kate had been right: there was no way she could, at this moment, put any of what she felt into an equation.

  * * *

  Cursing herself for not being able to keep her hands off Nicole for even thirty seconds, Lily retreated to the window and turtle-hunched the leather jacket up around her ears. She’d been busted in the act of wearing it, but it wasn’t as if she’d thought in a million years that Nicole would drive all the way to New York. She was dizzy with pleasure at the sight of her, but couldn’t help but wonder what was so urgent.

  “How is Kate?” She already knew the answer—if Kate weren’t doing well, Nicole would have never left.

  “Coming home tomorrow. Juliet is thriving. The doctors and my mother are all ecstatic.”

  Lily nodded and lapsed into silence. It was typical of Nicole to describe other people’s emotional state but not her own. But she’d said she was here to talk about her feelings, hadn’t she?

  She wanted to look into Nicole’s eyes, to search for clues there, but couldn’t make herself do it for fear of what she herself might reveal. Instead she stared at Nicole’s loafers. Comfortable, basic professional footwear, chosen precisely because they would not cause comment. She had three similar pairs and Lily had seen all of them, every single day of the tour. No surprise there…except…She narrowed her eyes and peered carefully.

  Both socks were black, as usual, but the left was a jacquard weave of black-on-black and the right a simple knit.

  Even when they’d gotten lost or been running late, even when they’d used socks as mittens and even when they’d had to bolt out of the hotel in New Orleans Nicole’s socks had matched.

  Her foolish heart wanted to declare that Nicole was so distracted by her inner turmoil that she was, for her, disheveled. But it could be a simple mistake. Even Nicole could make a mistake, couldn’t she?

  Nicole opened her satchel and pulled out several papers, wordlessly holding them out toward Lily. Her expression was carefully blank, but Lily thought she heard a catch in Nicole’s breathing.

  She reached over the desk to take the papers. It was good to have a large wooden obstacle between them because the brief touch of their fingers sent sparks down Lily’s spine.

  The pages appeared to be a series of e-mails. The most recent said, “I accept your offer with pleasure.” It had been sent from Nicole to someone Lily didn’t know at an e-mail address for the University of Geneva.

  She read down. And found an offer to Nicole to act as Distinguished Visiting Professor of Neurobiology effective for the semester that began in January.

  “You’re…you’re moving to Switzerland?”

  “For five months.”

  “Why?”

  “It is an excellent opportunity.”

  “Okay.” Lily tried to take it in. “And this is what you drove all this way to tell me? That you have an excellent professional opportunity?”

  “No. I mean, yes, it is a
n excellent professional opportunity, but that’s not why I drove all this way.”

  Nicole had arranged her home, her office, her entire life to suit herself. She was throwing that all aside to go to Switzerland?

  Libido donned lederhosen and began a striptease.

  Lily put the papers on the desk. “Your socks don’t match.”

  Nicole looked down with a frown. “I didn’t notice.”

  “When was the last time you wore mismatched socks?”

  Both of Nicole’s eyebrows went up. “You consider that important? Right now? I’ve just told you I’m going to live in Europe for five months and you want to know about my socks?”

  “Yes.”

  Nicole took a sudden step forward. “Does this get easier?”

  “Does what?”

  “This!” Nicole gestured at herself and then at Lily. “Us.”

  “I just want to know about your socks!”

  Nicole heaved a large sigh, both eyebrows raised as high as they had ever gone. “I do not recall ever wearing mismatched socks. You’d have to ask my mother if I wore mismatched socks as a child.”

  “So, let’s say from age seven on, that’s about twenty-five years, for ease call it three-hundred-sixty days a year, that’s…”

  “More than nine thousand days.”

  “More than nine thousand days. Would you consider one event out of nine thousand to have statistical relevance, or is it an anomaly outlier?”

  “What on earth?” Nicole gazed at Lily, then broke into an outright grin, one so infectious that Lily smiled back. “Are you trying to use science to prove that I love you?”

  “You use science to talk about love. Rather spectacularly well, I might add. Fans all over the world line up to hear you talk about the science of love.” Had Nicole just said she was in love? No. Not really…Well, sort of…

  “Clearly, I don’t know much about practical application of the research.” Nicole gestured at the e-mails. “I thought that was a romantic gesture. But you’re fixated on socks.”

  “I’m fixated on the part of you that didn’t stop to think.” Lily swallowed around what felt like a boulder in her throat. “I admire Dr. Hathaway, and I am respectful of the alphabet soup after her name. I think Dr. Nicole Hathaway Ph.D. is a brilliant researcher, and I enjoy our conversations on almost any subject. Dr. Hathaway decided to move to Switzerland for, I’m sure, very sound reasons. But I went to bed with Cole. Cole’s the one who put on the wrong socks.”

  Nicole abruptly sat down in the nearest chair. “You’re wrong.”

  Lily bit her lip. “Which part?”

  Nicole looked up at her. Her dark eyes were glistening with tension. “I didn’t accept the position in Switzerland for sound reasons. I haven’t even cleared it with my own department head, because I don’t care what happens, I’m going.”

  Lily shook her head, but the words still didn’t make sense to her. “I don’t understand.”

  “I can’t offer you the world unless I live in it. I can research and teach anywhere, I think. At least I am willing to try. But you can’t be you in Meredith.”

  Lily tried one last time not to believe it. I can’t trust my heart, she told herself. My heart thought my parents loved me. My heart thought Merrill Boone would give up eventually. “But I like Meredith. If I had a reason to live there I’m sure I would adapt.”

  “I don’t want you to adapt. If you adapt to my limitations, you won’t be you and we won’t survive.” Nicole scrubbed at her face with both hands before looking up at Lily again. “So maybe I was thinking about equations and case studies, but I don’t recall doing so. I saw the offer and knew it was our way forward. I just…knew. You and I have a chance if we start fresh together.”

  Together. Nicole wanted a together beyond the end of the tour, a together beyond the bedroom. Lily didn’t know if she should laugh or cry and ended up in between with a half-hiccup. “I’m more than an equation or a bunch of chemicals. I’m not just Passepartout with Benefits.”

  Nicole fixed her gaze just over Lily’s shoulder. “You are an excellent Passepartout. And the benefits, as you call them, are quite wonderful. But I do not want an assistant for life.”

  “This is a lot for you to give up.” Lily touched the e-mail printouts. “I know this was hard.”

  Her eyes burning like topaz fire, Nicole said fiercely, “I was thinking only of how I could be with you, and it was easy.”

  “But…” Lily didn’t know why she was arguing so hard against something when she wanted to shout yes and then do things on Uncle Damon’s desk that would get her fired and possibly disowned. “I won’t forgive myself if Merrill Boone ruins your life. She could come after you.”

  “Let her come to Switzerland to do it, then. My mother likes you and I cannot stress enough that her goodwill alone nullifies any and all harm Boone may ever do me.”

  “What if you hate how I brush my teeth? What if you’re a cover hog? What if I can’t make eggs you like? What if my shoes take up too much room? I don’t have a lot of shoes right now, but I will get more. And clothes. I don’t know what a standard statistical deviation is and you can pronounce words with fifteen syllables and what if it doesn’t work out?” Shut up, you idiot, she told herself. Why give her reasons to turn around and leave?

  Nicole’s face abruptly shuttered as she leaned heavily on the arm of the chair. There was no sign of emotion beyond the bright shimmer that remained in her eyes. “Maybe we could agree to a trial then. For the five months.”

  Common Sense pointed out that Lily could get her master’s degree and Switzerland was an excellent place to study international relations. Circumspect suggested she should get a job to avoid being a kept woman. Libido replayed the night in New Orleans with the volume on Dolby Surround Sound.

  A trial arrangement would give her a chance to settle. She studied the detached expression on Nicole’s face. On the day they’d met she would have said Nicole was an aloof snob. She’d have thought that Nicole didn’t care about Lily’s answer.

  But this wasn’t the day they’d met. She knew she was looking at Nicole with love-soaked eyes and a brain chock-full of the most powerful drugs the body could produce. For most people, according to Nicole, that meant their powers of observation were limited and their judgment impaired.

  But what if she wasn’t most people? What if her eyes were finally telling her the truth? All at once she saw that the uncaring detachment was a fraud—Nicole did care about the answer. Through the subtle layers of her expression Lily could see clearly that Nicole was definitely not interested in living together to see if it would work out.

  Well, neither was she.

  “No. No trial.” Through a sudden rush of tears in her eyes, Lily could see that Nicole had lifted one eyebrow. “If you think you’re going to get off that easily, you’re wrong, Dr. Hathaway.”

  One corner of Nicole’s mouth twitched. “Then perhaps you should tell me where my offer is inadequate.”

  “I’ll tell you where it’s inadequate. You’re going to marry me, Nicole Hathaway. You’re going to marry me and your mother and sister and niece and my uncle and everyone else we care about is going to be there to watch. I’m going to wear white and really high heels, and you’re going to wear whatever the hell you want, though I recommend a tuxedo because you would look totally hot in one, and people can shake their heads and say we rushed it and it won’t last.”

  Nicole was openly smiling now. “And then you and I are going to prove them wrong?”

  “You bet your ass we’re going to prove them wrong.”

  “So I’m going to marry you.”

  “Yes.” Lily left the safety of the desk and dropped to her knees in front of Nicole. “And I’m going to marry you. My future is the only thing I have left in this world, and I want to share it with you.”

  Nicole swept her up into her arms for a laughing, tear-streaked kiss that was quite possibly the best one ever. Until the next kiss, Lily thought.


  She found herself nestled on Nicole’s lap. Nicole’s fingers were in her hair, softly stroking it. Fighting a shiver of desire, Lily murmured, “I’m sorry I wore your jacket.”

  “Keep it.”

  “As if.”

  Nicole leaned away enough to look into Lily’s eyes. She traced the corner of Lily’s mouth with a fingertip. “Call it an engagement gift.”

  Lily began to melt into another kiss but the sound of the office door opening had her scrambling to her feet.

  Uncle Damon gave her a stern and worried look. “I think perhaps explanations are in order.”

  “I don’t know…” Lily gestured at Nicole. “It’s actually inexplicable.”

  He blinked at them, then said slowly, “We’ve sold nearly a million copies now of a book that says it can be explained.”

  Nicole rose to her feet and held out her hand. “Mr. Linden, my name is Nicole Hathaway, and I’m planning to marry your niece.”

  Lily couldn’t have loved Uncle Damon more than she did at that moment. His discomfiture was obvious, but so was his attempt to take the situation in stride. He gave Lily a searching glance and said carefully, “This is very sudden, isn’t it?”

  “Yes,” Nicole said. “But it’ll work out.”

  “It’s in the numbers?” He was almost smiling.

  Lily looked at Nicole and lifted an eyebrow. “Is it?”

  She placed Lily’s hand on her heart and covered it with her own. “Right now the only number I care about is when two becomes one.”

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