Embracing the Knight

by Langston, Jenn

  “You were right.” She swiped at her tears as anger burned off any other emotions. “We can’t be friends.”

  “Why? Don’t—”

  She spun around. “No. You don’t. We both know we have no future together. You need to marry, and I . . . Well, what I do is no longer your concern.”

  “Of course it is. I promised your father I would take care of you.”

  Laughter burst past her tight lips. He’d taken care of her all right. “I don’t need you anymore. My brother will see to my concerns now.”

  “Please, just—”

  “Go back to your estate, Ian. Marry Lady Ellie. Leave me in peace.”

  “Why are you doing this? I don’t want her. If I could take back whatever it was I did to you, I would. Tell me how I can fix this.”

  The misery in his voice didn’t reach her. He didn’t want her. Never did. She’d been an available body during a weak moment. Now he wanted to be friends, but she knew she couldn’t. Not anymore.

  Unable to resist touching him one last time, she put a hand on his cheek. It was odd to love someone and hate them at the same time.

  If only he remembered yesterday. Although hearing his regret while he recalled every sordid detail would be much more difficult.

  “There is nothing left to fix.” She turned around and pulled her mare’s reins free, then mounted. “Goodbye, Ian.”

  With that, she set her horse to gallop and left him standing there staring after her. The cool fall air whipped her face, keeping her tears back. In such a short time her plan for the day went from wonderful to heartbreaking.

  She swallowed her sorrow. She should have known better than to think Ian truly had feelings for her.

  As she aimlessly rode through the woods, tears spilled freely down her face. For the first time in a very long while, she was completely alone.

  Chapter 15

  Ian raked his fingers down his face as he looked at the pile of miscellaneous items on his desk. What was he supposed to do now? Frustration blossomed inside of him. These last three weeks had turned out to be absolute hell.

  “Bring her to me,” Ian told his butler, then sat back, trying to forget about everything except the matter at hand.

  Mrs. Needleworth gasped when her eyes took in the items on his desk. “My lord, I can explain everything.”

  “I would expect no less,” Ian agreed. “You’ve been housekeeper here for longer than I remember, so I don’t understand why you would steal from me.”

  She shifted in her seat. “I don’t look at it as stealing. After all, your father’s items never left the manor. Nor will they.”

  “And, the letters addressed to me from my mother? You took those as well. Clearly that can’t be seen as anything other than theft.”

  With her gaze fixed on the floor, she cleared her throat. “That wasn’t well done of me. When she began talking about the missing items, I didn’t want her to worry you about them.”

  “Then why did you take my father’s belongings?” Exasperation shone through his words.

  “You have so many things to remember the late viscount by, I just wanted to be able to feel close to him, as well.”

  That surprised Ian. “I don’t understand.”

  “I loved him. Although the fool was too blinded by your mother to see it, he had my devotion. When I saw his belongings sitting around gathering dust, I couldn’t help but take them. They need to be cherished. Not forgotten.” Venom laced her words as she glared at him.

  Taking in a calming breath, Ian looked at the woman in a new perspective. He’d known her his whole life. She had loved his father and was forced to live every day watching the man spend time with his wife. The idea sounded like a horrible, slow torture.

  Ian thought about Claire. He knew if it came to it, he wouldn’t be able to stand by, watching her with her husband. His jaw clenched at the very thought as fury washed over him.

  For another man to touch her. To kiss her. To slide himself into her as she watched with wide eyes. He couldn’t bear it. Nor could he stand the images, too real, in his mind. He had to chalk it up to sleep deprivation.

  It had been weeks since he’d seen her, and it was wearing on him both physically and mentally. No matter how many times he’d tried, she refused to attend his visits.

  In addition, he’d noticed her mare spent more time being exercised by someone other than her. That meant he couldn’t even catch her off guard as she tore through the forest. He was at a loss with how to proceed.

  “They are cherished in their own way. Each one of us here has dealt with the loss of my father in different ways.” He tapped his finger to his chin, feeling discomforted by this whole thing. “I have to ask. Why didn’t you leave years ago? If you loved the viscount, surely it would have been better not to remain here watching his happiness with my mother.”

  She smiled. “A little bit of him was better than none at all. He greeted me every morning with a kind word and a smile and bid me a good night at the close of each day. I couldn’t give that up.”

  Taking in a deep breath, Ian couldn’t help but pity the woman. This wasn’t an easy task. “I sympathize with your predicament, but I cannot forgive your actions. You have served our family well for many years, but I believe it is time for you to pass your duties on to another.”

  Her eyes widened. “Please don’t make me leave. This is the place where I feel closest to him.”

  “I understand that, but I can’t keep you on after discovering you taking something that never belonged to you. How can I trust that you won’t decide to steal something again?”

  “I can earn back your trust. You say you understand my situation, but you can’t possibly know how it feels to love someone who wants another. My heart was ripped out every day. And here you are doing the same to me.”

  Feeling his throat clog, he swallowed convulsively. He couldn’t stand this. The pain she was going through felt much too close to him right now. He was done with this conversation. She would be generously compensated for her years, but that was all he could offer.

  “I am truly sorry, Mrs. Needleworth, but there is nothing more I can do.” Ian waved to the butler to take the sobbing woman away.

  Once he was alone in his study, he dropped his head in his hands. Would this be him in a few years? Pining over a woman who would never be his? An image of Claire’s face as ecstasy took her flashed through his mind. No. That wouldn’t be his future.

  He shook his head. Similar thoughts of her had been plaguing him these weeks, and he couldn’t seem to shake them. It was as if he had dreamed of taking her innocence. A dream he couldn’t entirely recall. He had tried conjuring up the details more times than he could count, but still the complete picture eluded him.

  Pulling himself to his feet, he decided he couldn’t go on like this any longer. He needed to see Claire. No matter what it took, he would get to her. Even if it meant trapping her in a room. A flash of locking the library door as she quietly read moved through his mind. He blinked the sight away. That dream must have been quite memorable to affect him so completely.

  As he stopped a staff member, he discovered his mother was entertaining a guest in the garden. Although he didn’t want to interrupt, he had to inform her she would need to hire a new housekeeper. Also, curiosity on who she would invite over struck him. Considering he hadn’t been notified, he assumed the visitor wasn’t a young lady looking for marriage.

  Moving to the garden, he stopped when he heard his mother speaking. “I believe he would make anyone a fine husband.”

  “But, I don’t love him,” Claire responded.

  His heart hammered in his chest. Closing his eyes, he drank in the sound of her voice. He didn’t care for their topic, but it felt wonderful to hear her voice. He sincerely hoped they were not talkin
g about him.

  “That will come with time. Is he the only gentleman you’re considering?”

  A long-suffering sigh reached his ears. “I’m not even sure that I’m considering him. He’s been very attentive and kind this past fortnight, but I don’t know if I will ever marry.”

  Ian felt as though he’d been punched in the stomach. While she had barred him from coming near her, she’d been attending some other gentleman. And Gordon hadn’t even told him.

  Unable to take it anymore, he hurried down the path. Both women looked at him as he came into view. Guilt streaked across his mother’s face as horror touched Claire’s. He didn’t care if she didn’t want to see him. This had gone on long enough.

  “Good afternoon, Miss Ashford.” Then, he turned to face his mother. “I wasn’t aware we had a guest.”

  Claire’s chin rose in defiance. “I didn’t realize I needed your approval to visit my chaperone.”

  “You don’t. I just would appreciate knowing you intended to come to my home.”

  “Ian,” his mother let out a disapproving sigh. “It’s my fault. I didn’t tell you because I didn’t believe you were interested in seeing my charge.”

  His eyes shot to his mother’s. As she knew of his desire to wed Claire, he realized something was going on. Had Claire confided in his mother what he had done to reap her anger? He got the feeling he wouldn’t like it.

  “Then I’ll correct your assumption. Miss Ashford and I are friends. I will always want to see her. And, as of late, I have been anxious to talk to her.”

  Claire rolled her eyes. “As you know, men and women can’t be friends.”

  “Claire,” his mother’s gaze softened. “Please, just hear him out. I will not be far away.”

  “Very well.” Without waiting for him, Claire walked up the path, making him hurry to arrive at her side.

  “Can you tell me what I did wrong?”

  “No.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “How long do you intend to punish me for something I can’t even remember?”

  She stopped walking and turned her furious eyes on him. “I’m not mad for what happened when you were drunk. It’s been every second after that which I can’t forgive.”

  “The fact that I wouldn’t kiss you?” Incredulousness filled his tone. He had no idea something so small would upset her this much. The whole thing was laughable. He’d refrained from kissing her because he had both their interests at heart. “If my mother were farther away, I’d kiss you right now.”

  “I don’t want you to kiss me. Not anymore. Not ever again.”

  The finality in her voice would have struck him had he not seen the hurt in her gaze. She wasn’t ready to give him up. Staring into her eyes, he knew this could be his last moment with her if he didn’t do something to change that outcome.

  “That’s a shame. I could go on kissing you forever.” He clasped his hands behind his back and rocked on his feet. This may not be the best moment for confessions, but it was all he had. “Claire, I—”

  “Lord Knightly!” The panic in the downstairs maid’s voice grabbed his attention. “It’s Mrs. Needleworth, my lord. She’s dead. Stabbed herself in her bedchamber.”

  Claire could hardly keep herself still in the chair as she waited for Lady Knightly and Ian to make their weekly appearance. Although she’d denied them on account of Ian recently, she was anxious to see him today.

  In almost a week, she’d not heard a word from him. The look on his face when he had heard the news of his housekeeper’s death would forever be emblazoned on her mind. She swallowed and tried to block out the image. The idea of him in so much pain bothered her more than she cared to admit.

  Besides her concern over his well-being, she had gotten the feeling he had wanted to tell her something before they’d been interrupted. From the look in his eyes, she imagined it had been something important. She desperately wanted to know what it was.

  Footsteps in the hallway brought her heart to her throat. It wouldn’t be long now. Nerves made her hands shake. She didn’t know how she would get Ian alone, nor did she know what she would say to him when she did, but she would somehow come up with a plan.

  Lady Knightly appeared in the doorway, but Claire’s eyes remained beyond her. Ian wasn’t trailing behind his mother. Claire frowned. Where was he?

  “Good morning, my dear,” the woman greeted. “I trust you are doing well this week.”

  “Yes, my lady.” Claire’s gaze fell to the doorway again. “Is Lord Knightly planning on joining us today?”

  Sadness passed through the woman’s eyes. “I’m afraid not.”

  Claire didn’t like the sound of that. Nor did she like the look on her chaperone’s face. “I do hope he hasn’t fallen ill.”

  “No. At least not in body. The passing of our housekeeper has weighed heavily on his heart and mind.”

  Swallowing down her sorrow for the family, Claire nodded. “I’m sorry for your loss. I understand she has been with your family for quite some time.”

  “Yes. The situation has been quite unpleasant. However, for Ian it has been much worse. For some reason, he blames himself for her passing.”

  Shock held Claire’s tongue. How could he possibly take any responsibility for the tragedy? The only person at fault was the woman who felt her problems couldn’t be solved in any other way.

  “How can I help him?”

  “I’m not sure there is anything we can do. He won’t listen to me, no matter how hard I try to reason with him. It has gotten to the point where he spends the majority of his days at the hunting cabin. I believe he simply needs time to come to terms with everything that has occurred.”

  Claire nodded as she bit her lip, forming a plan. Perhaps he wouldn’t listen to his mother, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t listen to her. Ian needed help, and she’d be damned if she didn’t at least try to offer it to him.

  As the conversation turned to more mundane topics, Claire listened with only half her attention. The other half thought about what she would say to Ian once she had arrived at the cabin. He needed to return to reality, and she intended to be the one to bring him back to it.

  The second her chaperone took her leave, Claire saddled her mare and tore off through the forest. Considering how often Ian and Gordon had played at the hunting cabin, she had the way memorized. Too many times, she had followed the boys there only to be denied entrance.

  Walking up to the door, she felt much like she had as a little girl. Hands shaking and uncertain of her welcome, she stopped at the door. With a deep breath, she knocked. No answer. Since she’d seen Phoenix in the small stable, she knew Ian was here.

  She raised her hands and knocked again. When Ian finally answered the door, she sucked in her breath. He looked terrible. With an unshaven face, disheveled hair, and rumpled clothing, he looked as though he hadn’t been taking care of himself for days. Her heart went out to him.

  “Claire?” He wrinkled his brow. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you.” She smiled, but he didn’t return it.

  “For weeks now you’ve been avoiding me.” He gave a forced laugh as he shook his head. “I had no idea that all I had to do was stop attempting to see you.”

  She decided to ignore his comment. “May I come in?”

  He stood to the side, allowing her entrance before closing the door. The cabin was bright and airy. Claire took in a deep breath. A faint mix of the outdoors combined with clean linens and lye soap. Not exactly what she expected from the infrequently used place.

  “You see me, so what now?”

  Spinning around to face him, she was surprised to see his wary eyes watching her. “Your mother told me you were out here. Do you want to talk about it?”

  “No.”

/>   “It wasn’t your fault, you know. She was—”

  “I said I didn’t want to talk about it. That includes listening to you on the subject as well.”

  As she bit her lip, she tried to come up with her next plan of attack. “You can’t just hide out here. You have duties to Knightly.”

  “All of which I have been managing from here. I know what my responsibilities are.” His eyes were hard.

  She swallowed and put her hands behind her back to stop from fidgeting. “What about your plan to marry? Surely you can’t see to it from here.”

  “That isn’t a problem any longer.”

  “And why is that?” Her voice emerged weak, and she wasn’t sure she wanted to hear his answer.

  “I’ve decided to marry Lady Ellie. She will be amicable to the match and I’m ready to have it over with.”

  A wave of pain crashed into her chest. Keeping herself unmoved proved to be one of the most difficult things she’d ever done. At this moment, all she wanted to do was ball up and cry. Or throw herself at Ian.

  “But, what about love? You can’t just—”

  “I don’t want to speak about this, either. Why did you really come here?”

  “I wanted to make you feel better.”

  He ran a hand through his hair. “Thank you for your efforts, but I don’t feel much like talking.”

  “We don’t have to talk.” She licked her lips, thinking of the last time they’d been alone in a hunting cabin. “Do you remember our last night in the woods? The things you did?”

  His throat moved as he swallowed. “I’m sorry, but I can’t do that. I don’t have the control anymore.”

  “Oh no. You’ve misunderstood. You don’t have to do anything. I want to do for you what you did for me.”