Beside Still Waters

by Tracey V. Bateman

  “I think that’s sweet.”

  “You do, huh?” Eva felt a familiar frustration. Even more unnerving was the fact that she didn’t understand where the frustration came from. The old Jonesy would have tugged her long braid and called her a sentimental fool. But this Jonesy was careful. Tender, watchful. Like a man in love, not a friend. It kept her on her guard with him. She longed for their easy camaraderie to return.

  Jonesy gave a short laugh as though reading her thoughts. “All right, maybe it’s a little eccentric to have a going-away party for a flock of geese.”

  “Well, it’s no more crazy than naming your dog after a poet.”

  That wonderful, boyish grin spread across his mouth. Eva felt herself relax as she looked out over the water. Jonesy looped Lady Anne’s reins around a nearby bush. He walked to their tree and slid down the trunk. “Come sit with me, Eva.”

  “It’s a little cold to be sitting on the ground, don’t you think?”

  “Cold? This is nothing.”

  Eva smiled when he shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. Her heart nearly stopped when he opened his arms and legs.

  “Come sit against me, and we’ll keep each other warm.”

  Anxiety began to build. “Jonesy …”

  “All right then. I’ll scoot over, and you can sit next to me.” He did so and patted the ground. “It’s all right. I’ll keep my hands to myself.”

  Eva sat next to him. They stared silently across the water. Eva leaned her head back, enjoying her time with Jonesy. The solid strength of his shoulder pressing against hers surprised her. And the fact that she didn’t cringe at his touch.

  They sat in silence. There was no need to fill the space between them with empty chatter. The only thing that mattered was being in the open together. Watching the river and listening to the birds in the trees.

  Eva closed her eyes. She didn’t know how long they remained there, but eventually, despite the cold, her tension faded and peace covered her.

  Finally Jonesy’s voice broke the silence. “‘He leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul.’”

  “Do you think that’s really possible?” Her voice sounded small, like a child’s, but Eva had mustered all of her strength just to gain that much volume.

  “What? Having your soul restored?”

  Eva nodded but didn’t open her eyes. “I don’t see how I’ll ever be the same person I was before.”

  “Experiences change us, honey. Some are good experiences, some bad. It’s all right to be a little rattled at first, but ultimately it’s up to us how we change forever.”

  Eva gave a short laugh and looked at him. “At least when something good happens, you know the change will be good. How can good come from something bad?”

  “I’ve known fellows who find gold and get rich quick, and believe me, some don’t change for the better. It’s what’s in a person’s heart that determines how life’s tests and trials will change him or her. The Bible says when believers are tried by fire, we come out pure gold. It’s up to us to decide whether to take the tests and become purified or resist the testing and become bitter.”

  Eva stared, slack-jawed. “You mean to tell me that you think God is testing me by letting this thing happen? How can something like this make me a better person?”

  “No,” he said. “God doesn’t do evil to people to test them. At least I don’t believe so. But in the aftermath of that evil, we have some tough choices to make. Do we trust God? Do we allow His still waters to restore us? Or will we fight and kick and wallow in the mire of self-pity until we destroy ourselves?”

  Anger flashed through Eva, and she shot to her feet. “That’s what you think of me, is it? You think I am choosing to be angry and bitter and wallow in the mud like a pig? All this because I won’t marry you and allow you to maul me for the rest of my life?”

  Jonesy shoved up beside her, his eyes reflecting her anger and frustration. “You’re twisting my words. You know that’s not what I meant. And maul you? Do you honestly think I’d hurt one inch of your body? I love you.” He reached out to touch her arm.

  Instant fear surged inside Eva. A scream started in her belly and shot from her lips.

  “Eva, honey. I’m sorry.”

  But Eva wouldn’t hear him. All she could do was scream.

  His arms encircled her, and he held her tightly. “It’s all right, Eva. No one is going to hurt you. Do you understand? I love you. I love you. I love you.”

  In the recesses of her mind, the words began to penetrate. Her screams turned to sobs, and her fighting turned to clinging. Jonesy’s arms were no longer to be feared, but arms to run to. She clutched at him. “Hold me, Jonesy. Don’t let me go. Please don’t go.”

  In a beat, Eva’s stomach rebelled. She pulled away just in time to avoid retching all over him. When she was finished, he handed her a handkerchief.

  “I’m sorry, Jonesy. I don’t know what came over me.”

  “You can’t help getting sick.”

  “I mean fighting you and screaming.”

  He stroked her head, and Eva allowed the soft touch. Welcomed it, in fact. “You couldn’t help that either. Now let’s get you home so your ma can put you to bed.”

  eleven

  Jonesy stared in horrified disbelief as his mother relayed the news. “How could that be?”

  “Son, Eva’s been sick every day since shortly after that awful day. Hope finally sent Andy for Doc Smith. There’s no question that she’s with child.”

  “And Eva asked her ma to tell us instead of telling me herself?”

  Ma nodded grimly. “She can’t face you. It was hard enough just having the man she loves know what had happened to her. But this … it’s too much for any woman to endure.”

  Just when he was starting to get through to her. Just when she was opening up, allowing his arms to hold her. Now she wouldn’t see him again? “When will her suffering end? When?” He leaned forward, elbows on his knees, and buried his face in his hands.

  Ma stood behind him, rubbing his back. He heard her softly praying for peace.

  “I’ve been praying that God would allow her to forget so she can heal on the inside and start to live again. Now she’s going to have a baby as a reminder for the rest of her life.” He took to his feet as a thought entered his mind. “She has to marry me now.”

  “Son, Eva needs some time to adjust to this. I pray she’ll come around again, just like she did before. But now’s not the time to press her.”

  “Don’t you see, though? The baby changes things. She needs a husband so people won’t gossip.”

  “People can count the months, son. They’ll assume you and Eva fell into sin and had to get married. Either way, Eva will have to bear the burden of public scrutiny. But if you marry her suddenlike, you’ll have to bear it, too.”

  “Not if I move her away after the baby’s born. No one in Texas will know anything about Eva or what happened to her. They’ll assume we married here and waited until the baby was born and old enough to move. There’s no reason for anyone to question whether or not the baby’s mine. Eva’s reputation wouldn’t be in jeopardy.”

  Jonesy kissed his mother’s cheek. “Don’t wait supper for me.”

  His mind churned with the possibilities all the way to the Rileys’ home. Eva thought she didn’t want to be a wife to him. But once she held that baby in her arms, she’d want another one. And then she’d turn to him. God, was this Your plan all along?

  Charity suffereth long and is kind. It seeketh not her own.

  I am being long-suffering and kind and selfless. I’m taking a woman who is with child by another man and making her my wife!

  Eva would know, now, how much he loved her.

  Ten minutes later, he stood on the Rileys’ porch, looking into the sympathetic eyes of Mrs. Riley.

  “I’m sorry, Jonesy. Eva’s gone to stay with her cousin Aimee in Oregon City. She won’t be home for quite some time.”

&n
bsp; “But I want to marry her. I’ll be a pa to her baby, Mrs.

  Riley. We can go to Texas, where no one knows.”

  “Eva will always know.” Tears flooded her eyes. “I’ve never seen her this way. Even after she was attacked, she still had fight in her. Now it’s as though all the life has flowed from her veins. I’m afraid for her, Jonesy.”

  “I have to see her.”

  Hope touched her fingers to his forearm. “If you love her, you’ll let her go. She can’t face you right now. Her shame cuts so deeply that seeing you and knowing she can’t be yours, pure and untouched, is more than she’ll be able to bear. I fear what it might do to her.”

  All the strength left his legs, and he sank to a wooden rocking chair on the porch. He stared silently into the chilled air.

  “I’m sorry, Jonesy. This is for the best. Eva wants to be left alone. I think you need to respect her wishes this time.”

  Nodding, he rose slowly. “Yes, ma’am.” He walked down the steps and mounted Lady Anne. “If you write her a letter, will you please tell her I love her and that I’m praying for her every day?”

  “I will, Jonesy. I will.”

  Eva followed her cousin down a long hallway in the spacious Donnelly home. “This is lovely, Aimes,” she said. “Who’d have ever thought when you adopted Georgie that you’d end up living in a mansion with the boy’s pa?”

  “It’s not quite a mansion.” Aimee chuckled. “But I couldn’t be happier married to Rex and raising Georgie.” She stopped before a closed door and turned the handle. With a smile, she pushed the door open. “What do you think?”

  Eva drew a breath. A four-poster bed sat against the far wall, covered by a lovely white comforter with lace around the edges. The windows were framed by lacy white curtains that matched the comforter. A lovely maple-wood wardrobe presided over the room and towered above Eva.

  “It’s extra tall because there’s a storage shelf on top,” Aimee explained. “Oh.”

  Aimee nodded to the carriage driver who had carried Eva’s bags up the stairs. “Thank you, Mr. Marlow.”

  “You’re welcome, ma’am. If you need anything else, please ring for me.” He bowed out of the room.

  Aimee walked to the bed and sat. “Come sit down, and let’s talk for a moment.”

  Fatigued beyond anything she’d ever felt, Eva untied her black bonnet and sank onto the feather mattress.

  “You must be exhausted,” Aimee said. “Lie back, and I’ll take your boots off for you.”

  Heat warmed Eva’s cheeks. “That’s not necessary. Really.”

  “Nonsense. You are here to be taken care of. So let me do that for you.”

  Eva gave a bitter snort. “I’m not here to be taken care of—just to get out of the way while I have this baby. I think Ma and Pa can’t bear to see me. My presence reminds them of what happened to me.”

  Aimee loosened both boots and set them on the floor. “Eva, do you know why I chose this room for you?”

  Eva shook her head.

  “I call this the angels’ room because it’s so beautiful and white. As though the angels needed a place of purity and perfection, so they made this room for themselves.”

  “Then I shouldn’t be here.”

  “Yes, you should. The white is to remind you that in the eyes of God you are as pure as the day you were born. You are His child, washed in the blood of the Lamb and made pure by His suffering. Now I want you to lie in this bed every night and say this aloud to yourself: ‘I am not responsible for what happened to me. It was not my sin that caused this innocent child to exist. I am not to blame.’”

  Aimee looked at her firmly. “Can you do that?”

  “I’ll try, Aimes; I promise I’ll try.” But Eva knew she couldn’t. Aimee was sweet and meant well, but some things were just impossible to make someone else understand.

  “My ma once told me a very personal story about her past that few other people know. I asked her if I could share it with you, and she gave me permission. Would you like to hear it?”

  Curiosity piqued, Eva nodded. “Of course.”

  “You know I was just a little girl, maybe four or five, when my pa married my ma, right?”

  “Yes.”

  “Well, not many people know that her ma was a saloon girl.”

  A gasp escaped Eva’s throat. “You mean she was a …”

  “Prostitute, yes.” A blush spread across Aimee’s already rosy cheeks. “My ma was raised above a saloon, knowing what her ma did to make a living.”

  Now it was Eva’s turn to blush.

  “When her ma was killed by the owner of Luke’s Saloon, she had to run away or risk being forced into the same life.”

  Eva kept her eyes on Aimee, riveted by this part of her aunt’s life she’d known nothing about.

  “Even though her ma was a saloon girl, she was loving and kind. But she had to fight to keep my ma. Luke had demanded she get rid of her.”

  “You mean put her in an orphanage?”

  “Yes. He even threatened to do it himself. But even before she was born, Luke wanted my ma’s ma to go to a woman he knew who helped women get rid of babies they didn’t want.”

  Eva’s eyes grew wide. She’d never heard of such a thing. “Do you mean there’s a way to get rid of a baby before it’s born?”

  Aimee gave her a sharp look. “It’s murder. And even a prostitute who didn’t know the Lord knew better than to do such a thing. Don’t forget, Eva. The Bible says that God knew us even before we were formed in our mothers’ wombs. He knows that child you’re carrying. He knows who he or she was created to be. There are no accidents in God’s kingdom. He has a purpose for your baby’s life.”

  Once more heat spread across Eva’s face. “I’m sure you’re right,” she mumbled.

  “Anyway,” Aimee said, “my ma met my pa while she was running away, and he saved her and brought her to Grammy.”

  “I love the story of how they fell in love.”

  “What you don’t know is that my ma was ashamed to tell Pa about her past. Where she came from. She was afraid he wouldn’t understand that she was the daughter of a prostitute.”

  “But that wasn’t her fault.”

  “You’re right. And, Eva, you have to understand that none of this is your fault either. God’s grace is more than sufficient to get you through this birth. This baby is as innocent as you are, and Jesus already loves your little one, no matter how he or she was brought into this world. God is forming the little fingers and toes. The mouth that will someday smile at you and melt your heart.”

  Eva listened halfheartedly to Aimee’s speech. She felt no affection for this child whom Jesus apparently already knew. The only thing she could think of was how to find a woman who might help her.

  Eva shivered in the dark. From fear, from cold, from the guilt of what she was going to do if everything went according to plan.

  She fought back nausea and fear as she walked for an hour to reach the seedier side of town, where the saloons and gambling halls were located. It had taken her a few days to gather the courage to ask one of the maids in the house about it. Reluctantly, and only after payment of a string of pearls Eva’s pa had given her for her birthday when she turned sixteen, had the young woman given her directions.

  Following the sound of loud, high-pitched laughter, she walked into the first saloon at the end of the street. The raucous laughter receded until finally the room was quiet.

  Eva thought she might faint from fear. What had she been thinking? Men who went to bars were not good, God-fearing people. They might be like … but she couldn’t think about that now. If she did, she wouldn’t have the courage to do what she needed to do.

  As she walked by a table of men, she felt herself being tugged downward. She let out a scream, and before she quite knew what was happening, she landed in the lap of a laughing, intoxicated man. “Hey, honey, you’re a little overdressed to be one of Mike’s girls, ain’t ya?”

  Eva struggled
to her feet, shaking in fear. “I’m not one of M–Mike’s girls. Now leave me be.”

  The men let up a roar of laughter.

  “What do you want, lady?” the man behind the bar called. “If you ain’t lookin’ for a job, how ’bout you get on outta here? These men don’t want to be reminded of their wives.”

  “If I had me a wife what looked like her, I would,” called a slurred voice. “My wife’s fat and bossy.”

  Eva tried to ignore the suggestive calls and comments. She leveled her gaze at the man behind the counter and lowered her voice. “I need to speak with one of the young women who work here.”

  “Which one?”

  “I–it doesn’t matter, I guess. Someone who has worked here for a while.”

  “Now look here, sister.” He poked at her face with a grimy finger. “You leave the preachin’ to Sundays. My girls ain’t interested in gettin’ baptized.”

  “I assure you, I’m not here to proselytize. I need some information.”

  Eva had never felt so dirty in her life. She had to close her mind off to what she was about to do, or she couldn’t endure it.

  “I don’t know what you want,” the bartender said, “but I’ll give you a few minutes. Sally! Get over here.”

  Eva turned as a young woman with red hair and heavy cosmetics sashayed across the room. Eva’s cheeks burned at the sight of her scantily clad figure.

  “Whatcha need, Mike?”

  “This girl wants to talk to one of the girls.”

  Sally’s eyes went cold as she gave Eva the once-over. “Well, I don’t want to talk to the likes of her.” She started to turn, but Mike snatched her wrist. She gasped and grimaced.

  “I say you’re gonna talk to her. And you’re gonna do as you’re told.”

  “All right, Mike. I’ll talk to her. Don’t break my arm, or I won’t be able to work.”

  He scowled and let her go. “You just mind how you’re talkin’ to me from now on if you know what’s good for ya.”

  “Sure, Mike. Sorry.” She turned her icy glare back to Eva. “What’s a respectable lady like you doing in a place like Mike’s? You crazy or something? Or are you looking for your husband? ’Cause if he came in here, I probably know him.” She looked at Eva with smug insolence, daring her to fight back.