A Four Letter Word

by Michelle Lee

  His lips.

  Those lips.

  Touching mine.

  Touching only me.

  Just when my fit started to subside, it starts up again, thanks to that little memory. Evan reaches for me, and I know as soon as he touches me it will only make things worse. So, I signal with my finger to give me minute. Or a hundred. Or a month, a year.

  Whatever.

  Evan takes a step back to give me some much needed room. I'm bent over, my hands grasping my knees, my body convulsing. Several hundred deep breaths later, everything is under control. With nothing but concern in his eyes and his tone, Evan finally asks, "Are you okay?"

  "Yeah," I answer.

  He nods.

  "What are you…" I begin, but Evan interrupts me.

  "I brought breakfast." He shrugs and holds up two Starbucks coffees and a bag.

  I point to the bag. "Is that?" I ask, licking my lips as my stomach rumbles.

  "Your favorite?"

  I nod.

  "Yeah," he answers his voice hopeful.

  And just like that, the past few days seem miles away, as does the dream. That's not to say we don't have a lot to talk about—we do—my anger is not forgotten, the way he spoke to me is not forgotten. But, I feel as though my best friend is back, and I've missed him.

  God, how I've missed him.

  I quickly grab the bag out of his hands and walk toward the kitchen, leaving the door open for Evan to enter. All I hear is his laughter as I enter the kitchen and dig into the bag.

  chapter 10

  Inside the bag holds my favorite treat from Starbucks—blueberry scone with sugar crystals sprinkled on top. My stomach acknowledges the contents—again.

  Evan knows my favorite. He knows all of my favorites. Hope fills me. One day, Griffin might know all my favorites, too. He already knows my favorite local restaurant. I already know it's his favorite too. I wonder what else. I can't wait to find out what else.

  "Zoey, you okay?" Evan asks, interrupting my thoughts of Griffin.

  Griffin. The man Evan forbade me to date.

  Forbade me.

  Even though I am happy to have my best friend here, I can't keep back the anger that is slowly surging through my body.

  He forbade me.

  Forbade me.

  From dating Griffin.

  Griffin.

  Butterflies instantly invade my stomach. My body tingles. My lips tingle. They remember. They remember what it felt like to have Griffin's warm, soft lips against them. Feeling them. Tasting them. My fingers eagerly seek out my lips, as if they are Griffin's finding mine.

  "Earth to Zoey…" Evan's voice sounds a little annoyed.

  "Sorry." I feign an apologetic tone.

  "Must have been some date," he comments, sounding more annoyed.

  "Evan," I warn him.

  He puts his hand up defensively.

  "Look, Zoey, I didn't come here to fight with you. I hate that we…the other day…at…fuck! I've missed you so much, and I hate the fact that I hurt you. I didn't…it's just…I'm, I'm trying, Zoey, really trying to…to accept…I just don't want to see you get hurt. It breaks my heart when that happens. If…if I can prevent that from ever happening, I will do everything in my power to prevent it. Anything."

  He takes a deep breath and then continues, "You're just a danger magnet for the wrong guys, and I just don't want…I care about you too much, Zoey."

  My heart beats faster.

  "I just want you to be happy, and if you think this Griffin guy can make you happy, then…but if he hurts you, in any way, I'll…" I notice Evan balls his fists and the knuckles turn white.

  Through a tight jaw, Evan finishes. "I'll kill him. I swear, Zoey, if he hurts…just know that I will be there for you, I am here for you—always. Nothing will ever change that. I…I…I'm so sorry, Zoey, so sorry."

  He finishes and his head drops to his chest, but not before I see it in his eyes.

  The pain.

  The hurt.

  The sorrow.

  The emotion of his words warms my heart. I know he is sincere. The anger that was coursing through my veins only moments ago becomes diluted and simply fades away. I reach across the space between us, ignoring my vocal stomach, abandoning the scones; it seems so vast. And before I can grasp his arm, Evan wraps his around me and pulls me against his chest. Relief swirls around us. Relief that the fight is behind us, relief that our friendship is still intact. Relief that I understand him. But now, he needs to understand me. I want to tell him so much, but at the moment, being in his arms, I feel… I feel like everything is how it should be.

  Those two little words from my dream—"Only me"—come to the forefront of my mind.

  As much as that girl inside me who had a crush on Evan all those years ago, even though those feelings morphed into something more, the woman I am now knows and understands that this is just friendship—a deep, life-altering friendship—but still only a friendship.

  Nothing more.

  Griffin might be more.

  Griffin could be my more.

  Will Griffin be my more?

  Only time will tell, and right now is the time to make my best friend understand. I give him one last squeeze before I pull away from the comfort of his arms. Reluctantly, Evan lets me go. I guess he was just as comfortable as I was in our little moment. Maybe not as much. I clear my throat. "You hurt me," I honestly tell him, my eyes staring into his.

  "I know," he admits, his gaze turning towards his forgotten coffee on the counter.

  "Evan?" I need him to look at me; I need him to not only hear, but see as well.

  His vivid, hazel eyes slowly turn upwards, their attention on my tear-filled blue ones.

  "I don't think you do," I begin, knowing I need to tell him exactly what I felt that day, what a part of me is currently still feeling.

  His teeth work his bottom lip as he nods his head. I take a deep breath and continue. "It's not just what you said, Evan, but how you said it. You made me feel…made me feel like an …"

  "Zoey, I am so sorry…" his voice chokes on the emotionality of his words.

  "I know. Don't do it again."

  He nods. And when I meet his gaze, his eyes are glistening. I need to fix this. Fix him. Fix us. I reach across the counter in search of his hand and easily find it. His fingers intertwine with mine; his grasp tightens around my fingers. It is as if he's afraid I'll run away or something— like I might disappear or stop being his best friend. How could he think that? I can't let him think that.

  "Evan, you mean the world to me. You will always be my best friend, no matter who comes into my life, no matter who I date, or fall in lo—"

  His grip loosens; some emotion I can't name mars his features. His eyes reflect that unknown emotion. I change my train of thought. "I'm always going to need my best friend, but I need my best friend to let me go just a little. I'm not that same girl he met all those years ago. There's a possibility that this, whatever it is, with Griffin won't work and I may get hurt. But there's a chance it could go somewhere and be the best thing that's ever happened to me. I need to find that out. And even though you don't necessarily like him or agree with my choice, at least give me the chance to find out. I hope you'll be there—no, I expect you to be there either way. Okay, I'm done." I let out a rush of air and hope he understands everything I've said. I hope he accepts it. He needs to, no matter what. Evan seems to be concentrating on each word I've just said. He looks lost in his head.

  "Evan?"

  His silence is starting to get to me. Finally he looks at me. "Zoey, I care about you so much. I just want what's best for you. I want you to be happy, and if you think this Griffin guy—well then, I'll give him a chance. But like I said before…" he pauses and his voice comes out like a growl when he continues "…if he does hurt you, I will hurt him. That's a promise."

  All I can do is nod at the intensity of what he's said. He gives my hand another squeeze before letting go. I give my fingers a
little wiggle, still feeling as if he's holding on.

  "So…" he claps his hands, his voice lighter "…are you gonna share one of those with me, or what?" He waggles his eyebrows, questioning.

  "Oh, you want one of these?" I tease, pulling a scone out of the bag and dangling it in front of him.

  And just like that, things are back to normal. Evan swipes the scone and takes a huge-ass bite, crumbs falling down the front of his shirt. He smiles and it makes me feel so much better than when he first got here. I can’t help but laugh.

  He swallows and takes a sip of his coffee. "So, if you're not doing anything today, do you wanna hang with me and go to the movies?" Evan asks, his voice hopeful.

  "I'd love to," I easily reply, digging into my scone.

  It feels like I have my best friend back. All seems right in my little world.

  ****

  Work is getting hectic. It always happens around the holidays. Even though the economy is pretty much in the toilet, people are still shopping for presents. Books and gift certificates seem to be on everyone's list this year. So, I've been at the shop more often than usual. Usually, Albert has things covered, but like I said, things have been busier than usual. While Albert has things covered up front, I'm in the back checking into some leads I have in finding a customer a rare, signed first edition of The Velveteen Rabbit for his wife. It was her favorite childhood book her mother used to read to her. It means everything if I can get it for him because her mother recently passed away. It hasn't been easy. My usual go-to people aren't so go-to at the moment. And since I'm on a time crunch—he needs it for Christmas, of course—I am feeling overwhelmed and beyond frustrated to say the least. To make matters worse, my new computer isn't cooperating as promised by the computer guy at Best Buy. Stupid Best Buy. Stupid computer guy. Stupid computer.

  "Ughhhhhh!" I let out, smashing my fists against the keyboard.

  "Stupid computer!" I chastise, flicking the screen.

  "Owww, motherfuc-" I suck my finger into my mouth, desperately seeking any relief.

  "Remind me to never make you angry," a familiar and welcomed voice grabs my attention.

  I spin around in my chair. I feel dizzy, and I can't be sure if it's because I spun around too quickly, or because of the gorgeous sight standing in the doorway. Griffin. He's wearing a suit—a very tailored, charcoal gray suit. A crisp, white shirt underneath makes the ice-blue tie he wears stand out—way out. And his eyes, ohmygod, his eyes are so fucking blue because of that tie. They are hypnotizing, and I find myself being pulled by them, by him.

  "Zoey?" he asks, staring at me like I've lost my mind.

  When he looks like this, I have lost my mind—completely.

  "Sorry," I reply, finding the ability to speak, which is hard considering the way he looks at the moment has completely turned my insides to goo and my brain to mush.

  He chuckles. It's music to my ears. I am really falling. Free falling, and I don't want to reach the ground.

  "What are you doing here?" I somehow find more words.

  "Well, I had to run some errands for my boss and it brought me by your bookstore, so I thought I would stop by and see you. Honestly, I would have found a way to see you whether or not I was in the area. I just really wanted to see you. I've said too much again, haven't I?" He looks so unsure of himself, as he makes his way into my office and closer to me.

  I like him closer to me. I need him closer. I wonder…. And as if he has the ability to read my mind, Griffin crosses the small space between us and pulls me into his arms. The warmth radiating off him sends shivers throughout my entire body. He leans in, hesitating. I nod, and then like a dream come true, his sweet, soft lips touch mine. It feels amazing. The kiss is soft and tender and unhurried. Our lips move in unison, until I part mine and our tongues find each other, welcome each other, and dance and tease and please each other. I don't want the kiss to end. Never end. But since oxygen is a necessity, it ends. I pout. Griffin chuckles. I smile. He smiles.

  "That was…" he begins.

  "I know," I add.

  He gives me one more sweet, little peck and releases me from his arms. My body feels cold. It misses his warmth. It misses him. Yep, I'm falling. Fast. Hard. I hope he is too. He must feel it. He has to feel it.

  "I'm glad you decided to stop by. I was kinda missing you," I honestly tell him.

  I decided in this relationship, or whatever it is, I am going to be honest—as honest as I can. I don't want to hide how I feel. I've done that before, and it got me nowhere.

  "You were missing me?" he teases.

  "Yep, totally missing you," I play.

  "Well, to be honest, again, I missed you too. Missed you something crazy," Griffin admits, his eyes twinkling with playfulness.

  "Really?"

  "Really. That's okay, right?" he questions.

  "It's more than okay."

  Honesty…definitely the best policy. His lips brush against mine. I tingle. Everywhere. He pulls away. My body protests—it so doesn't like it.

  "Am I interrupting something important?" he questions, looking past me and to my computer.

  I look over my shoulder at the bane of existence at the moment. "Nope, not interrupting. And even if you were interrupting, it would be a welcomed interruption." I wiggle my eyebrows for emphasis. Things are so easy and comfortable with him. It feels like it does with…

  Evan.

  "Really?"

  "Really. That's okay, right?" I throw his words from earlier back at him.

  "It's more than okay." His words echo mine from earlier as well.

  "So, you're kinda busy, huh? No time for lunch?" he inquires.

  "Well, I always have time to eat, but I actually have lunch plans already." Disappointment laces my tone and probably my face.

  "Oh, with who?"

  "Ashlee, Geoffrey, and Patrick. I'd invite you, but it's kinda a girl's lunch. Unless…"

  His arms go up defensively. "Oh no, I am not tagging along for a girl's lunch. I've experienced Geoffrey and Patrick at lunch before, and let's just say once is enough—for me, that is. You, on the other hand, will enjoy it immensely." He shakes his head, a smile pulls at his lips, and a small laugh escapes him.

  "That good, huh?"

  "Believe me, I love Geoffrey and Patrick, they're like family, but I can only handle so much of them, ya know? Small doses."

  "Got it."

  I can't help but wish I wasn't having lunch with them and having it with Griffin instead. My shoulders slump. I am covered in disappointment.

  Griffin pulls me into his arms. "How about we meet up for dinner later, at a totally different place than last time. Unless you have plans already?" He quirks an eyebrow, questioning me.

  "No, no dinner plans until now. Dinner—I'm all yours."

  I wrap my arms further around him, gently squeezing. Trying to drive home my point.

  "Perfect. So, I'll pick you up around seven? Here or at home?" He nudges me before his arms tighten around my waist.

  "Seven, and here is great. Sorry about lunch." I shrug.

  "Don't be—it was last minute. Next time, I'll plan in advance."

  And before I can respond with some sexy, snarky comeback, Griffin's lips are on mine, and this time it's not sweet, not tender; it's anything but. It's deep, passionate, and full of everything we are both feeling at the moment. My body hums in response. My brain is fuzzy. My knees weak.

  Seriously falling here.

  And just when I think things are going to go a little further—further like I want to, like I think he wants to—he slowly, but surely, pulls away. My lips tingle.

  He rests his forehead against mine. "You are going to be the death of me, Miss Richards."

  "Back at ya, Mr. Cooper."

  He gives my tender, buzzing lips one more peck before pulling away. And all I want to do is pull him by the lapels and devour every gorgeous inch of him. Later. Definitely later.

  "I'll see you at seven?"

  I nod
.

  "Have fun at lunch."

  I nod. He shakes his head.

  "Bye, Zoey."

  I wave. His laugh grows. And just as he passes the threshold, I come back to Earth. "Bye, Griffin. Seven."

  His laughter trails behind him as he leaves.

  "The death of you? You'll be the death of me," I say to no one in particular.

  "Okay, Richards, back to work, then lunch and then dinner, with Griffin."

  My smile grows and my lips continue to tingle. Dinner. With Griffin. Gah, I have so much to share with the girls.

  Chapter 11

  "Albert, I'm going to lunch. You okay here?" I ask, making my way past the counter.

  "Zoey, Zoey, Zoey, when will you learn? Albert always—always—has things under control. You needn't worry your pretty little head about anything. Go—enjoy your lunch with your friends," he tells me, his hands swooshing me away.

  "I know, I know. Please forgive me?" I jokingly beg, my hands pressed against my heart.

  Albert winks at me, and again, motions for me to leave. "Go."

  "I'm going. If you need me…"

  He gives me his evil eye.

  My hands go up defensively as I back away towards the exit. "I'm going."

  Albert's deep laugh follows me as I make my way out of the shop and easily find a cab.

  ****

  I enter the restaurant, shaking off the cold, and before the hostess can ask me anything, I hear Ashlee's signature cackle-slash-snort. I smile at the hostess who looks amused. "I'm meeting them." I point in the general direction of the inhuman-like laugh. She nods, and her hand sweeps to the right, showing me the way. As if she needed to do that—Ashlee's laughter was like a trail of breadcrumbs. I navigate my way past a few tables when I spot them.

  Actually, they aren’t hard to miss. Ashlee has her head thrown back, still cackling and snorting. Patrick is, well, the Patrick I remember from Halloween, but instead of wearing a bright-ass pink flower costume, he is wearing a bright-ass pink shirt, gold glasses strategically perched on top of his head so they don't interfere with his perfectly spiky do, and a beaming smile. It not only lights up his face, but the entire room. And it's infectious.