Total Sarcasm

by Dan Ames

  Total Sarcasm

  A Mary Cooper Mystery Trilogy

  Dan Ames

  Contents

  Total Sarcasm

  Copyright

  Foreword

  Death by Sarcasm

  Epigraph

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  Chapter Forty-Two

  Chapter Forty-Three

  Chapter Forty-Four

  Chapter Forty-Five

  Chapter Forty-Six

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Chapter Forty-Eight

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Chapter Fifty

  Chapter Fifty-One

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Chapter Fifty-Three

  Chapter Fifty-Four

  Chapter Fifty-Five

  Chapter Fifty-Six

  Chapter Fifty-Seven

  Chapter Fifty-Eight

  Chapter Fifty-Nine

  Chapter Sixty

  Chapter Sixty-One

  Chapter Sixty-Two

  Chapter Sixty-Three

  Chapter Sixty-Four

  Chapter Sixty-Five

  Chapter Sixty-Six

  Chapter Sixty-Seven

  Chapter Sixty-Eight

  Chapter Sixty-Nine

  Chapter Seventy

  Chapter Seventy-One

  Chapter Seventy-Two

  Chapter Seventy-Three

  Chapter Seventy-Four

  Chapter Seventy-Five

  Chapter Seventy-Six

  Chapter Seventy-Seven

  Murder With Sarcastic Intent

  Copyright

  Epigraph

  Prologue

  1. One

  2. Two

  3. Three

  4. Four

  5. Five

  6. Six

  7. Seven

  8. Eight

  9. Nine

  10. Ten

  11. Eleven

  12. Twelve

  13. Thirteen

  14. Fourteen

  15. Fifteen

  16. Sixteen

  17. Seventeen

  18. Eighteen

  19. Nineteen

  20. Twenty

  21. Twenty-one

  22. Twenty-two

  23. Twenty-three

  24. Twenty-four

  25. Twenty-five

  26. Twenty-six

  27. Twenty-seven

  28. Twenty-eight

  29. Twenty-nine

  30. Thirty

  31. Thirty-one

  32. Thirty-two

  33. Thirty-three

  34. Thirty-four

  35. Thirty-five

  36. Thirty-six

  37. Untitled

  38. Thirty-eight

  39. Thirty-nine

  40. Forty

  41. Forty-one

  42. Forty-two

  43. Forty-three

  44. Forty-four

  45. Forty-five

  46. Forty-six

  Gross Sarcastic Homicide

  Copyright

  Epigraph

  Chapter One

  Chapter two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Chapter Eighteen

  Chapter Nineteen

  Chapter Twenty

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  Chapter Thirty

  Chapter Thirty-One

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  Chapter Thirty-Three

  Chapter Thirty-Four

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  Chapter Thirty-Nine

  Chapter Forty

  Chapter Forty-One

  About the Author

  Total Sarcasm

  by

  Dan Ames

  TOTAL SARCASM is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise, without prior written permission from the author.

  Copyright ©2015 by Dan Ames

  All rights reserved.

  Foreword

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  Death by Sarcasm

  by

  Dan Ames

  Sarcasm is the last refuge of modest and chaste-souled people when the privacy of their soul is coarsely and intrusively invaded.

  -Fyodor Dostoyevsky

  Sarcasm is the language of the devil.

  -Thomas Carlyle

  There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

  -Steven Wright

  Chapter One

  Instead of the local rats, a team of crime scene technicians scurried around the grimy alley, popping flashbulbs and taking notes. Occasionally, blue and red lights flashed on the cinderblock walls, courtesy of the black-and-whites blocking each end of the alley.

  Mary Cooper stood next to her uncle’s body. The large pool of blood – to her it looked like a Snow Angel from Hell - had already thickened, turning darker as if its purity had been contaminated by the lingering sins of the alley’s sordid past. And even though the club was just a few blocks from the Pacific, the air held a thick pall of L.A.’s favorite aromatherapy scents: rotting garbage, human piss, and death.

  Mary had said nothing upon her arrival. Now, several minutes later, the uniforms were starting to sneak glances at her, wondering how long she planne
d to maintain her silent vigil. They unconsciously positioned themselves closer to her, just in case her grief and rage exploded and they needed to restrain her in order to protect the sanctity of the crime scene.

  In the alley behind some two-bit comedy bar called the Leg Pull, Brent Cooper had been shot in the head. A large, deep cut had been made across his belly. The knife, a long, bone handled stiletto was then thrust into the body; its perfect verticality looked like an exclamation point to Mary. And the knife held in place a note.

  The words on the paper were in thick block letters, probably from a Magic Marker.

  Bust a gut.

  Mary tore her eyes away from her uncle and glanced up at the officer now standing directly in front of her, watching her. His eyes seemed to implore her to express her emotions, but in a calm, measured way. She could guess what he was thinking. That maybe she would tell him a cute little story about how her uncle used to swing her in the air and threaten to withhold ice cream if she screamed. Or maybe she would tell him how her uncle used to insist on reading ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas every year in front of a crackling fireplace near the twinkling tree. But Mary offered no tidbits. For one thing, Mary had no such stories. Nobody would ever confuse their family with the Cleavers. And while there was definitely grief, and an abundance of rage, she had used the time observing her dead uncle to unclench her fists. To slow her racing heartbeat, and to gather her thoughts. She pushed aside her own feelings and coolly observed the crime scene. Took in the facts of the murder. But at some point, she knew she had to say something to the uniforms.

  So then, at last, she turned to them and spoke.

  “Are you sure he’s not just asleep?”

  Chapter Two

  Detective Jacob Cornell emerged from a dark section of the alley and nodded to the uniform guarding the crime scene. Cornell was a big man, with a considerable physique, and a handsome-ish face. Not the kind that would land him on the cover of GQ, but certainly could find him a place in a Walmart flyer modeling $7.99 flannel shirts. Now, he wore a sportcoat that camouflaged his powerful upper body, and khakis that hid the ankle gun Mary knew he always wore.

  “Jesus Christ, Mary, he’s your uncle…was your uncle,” he said, his voice a whisper. “I mean, I called you here because I thought you would want to know. I mean, I know it’s not my place, but, a little respect, a little decorum…” His voice trailed off.

  Mary nodded in agreement, as if she was glad she’d been properly admonished.

  “True, true,” she said. “That’s a very, very good point, Jake.” She paused. “It’s just that he was always such a heavy sleeper. It runs in the family.” She cut her eyes over at him, winked, and said, “You know that.”

  Jacob Cornell closed his eyes and held them shut for a beat. And then when he opened them, he looked at her with a sideways glance. “This is not the time and it certainly isn’t the place,” he said, his voice soft.

  Mary felt warmed by his indignity. A little pissed that he was judging her, but she was used to that by now. Nobody would ever liken her to an open book. But still, despite his many faults, an overly developed sensitivity chief among them, Mary didn’t mind knowing someone like Jake. So good. So nice. So friggin’ cute.

  “I’m not sure why you’re focusing on me, instead of my dead uncle lying over there in repose,” Mary said. “But since you’re questioning me, I ought to remind you that he was a comedian, Jake,” she said. “Believe me, if the roles were reversed, he’d be standing right here saying, ‘What’s the big deal? I’ve died hundreds of times at comedy clubs – but it was always on stage.’” She pantomimed a rim shot. “Boom ch,” she said.

  One of the crime scene technicians looked up from his notepad at Mary. She caught his gaze and held it until he looked back down. Jake pulled out a notepad and tried to hide the guilty look on his face.

  “Come on,” she said to him. They walked to the end of the alley and Mary looked west, toward the ocean. She couldn’t see anything. Just a vast darkness. She turned and caught her reflection in the store window. Did she look like a woman who’d just identified the corpse of a family member? She studied herself, saw a lean woman with a strong face wearing an expression that was open to interpretation. Just the way Mary liked it.

  Jake broke into her thoughts. “A waitress on her smoke break found him,” he said, still speaking softly. “She ran back in and…”

  “Was he already dead?”

  Jake hesitated, then said, “She thinks he may have been…twitching a little.”

  Mary nodded. Her hands involuntarily formed themselves into fists. She forced them back open, willed them to relax.

  “So she runs in, calls 911, then finds the manager and they go out together,” Jake continued. “By then, he’s definitely dead.”

  “Had they seen him inside? Before?”

  “We’re talking to everyone now,” he said. “A few people thought they saw him at the bar, having a drink. A couple others thought he might have done a couple minutes on stage. But no one knows if he left with someone or by himself.”

  “Who was on stage when he was there? Who was performing?”

  Jake looked at her, his face blank. “Umm...I’ll have someone check on that.”

  “Might be worth looking into,” Mary said. “Maybe he came specifically for the show. He’d been around comedy clubs for a long time. Maybe he knew the headliner–”

  “Oh, shit,” Jake said, his breath going out of him with a rush. The pen froze above his notepad. He looked directly behind Mary, over her shoulder.

  “I’m sorry to hear about your loss,” a voice said. Mary felt the chill of recognition and her stomach turned sour. She turned and came face to face with Jacob Cornell’s superior. Mary should have known the woman would show up.

  “Sergeant Davies,” Mary said, her voice calmer and more in control than she would have thought possible. “I almost didn’t recognize you with your clothes on.”

  Arianna Davies was tall, thin, and pale. Her black hair was cut short. Mary knew that her nickname around the squad room was The Shark. Davies had a well-earned reputation as an apex predator. Now, Mary’s comment hadn’t even caused her to dilate a pupil. Mary noticed, however, that Detective Cornell looked like he wished he could liquefy himself and slide down the storm drain. It was the exact same expression he’d had on when Mary let herself into his apartment only to find The Shark literally eating him alive.

  “Ah, I see that at least the Cooper wit still lives on,” Davies said.

  Mary felt a spark of anger flash inside her, but she held her face still.

  “And speaking of unwanted interruptions,” the Shark said to Jake. “I assume you were interviewing Ms. Cooper.” The way Davies raised her voice at the end made the statement both a question and an indictment.

  “Actually, we were just finishing up–” Jake said.

  “Good.” Davies turned to Mary and spoke in a flat monotone. “You have our deepest sympathies. We will keep you up to date with the progress of the investigation. You will not do any investigating of your own. If you are observed anywhere near this case, you will be arrested and your private investigator’s license revoked. Is that understood?”

  Mary seemed to absorb Davies’ speech with thoughtful concentration. Then she turned to Jake and gestured with her thumb back toward Davies.

  “I thought these new robots were equipped with better voice modulators,” she said.

  Chapter Three

  Mary wound up at a dive bar on Ocean Boulevard that had been there since the Rat Pack was big.

  Three strong drinks later, Mary looked at herself again in the bar mirror, remembering the young cop standing across from her, her dead uncle between them. The cop had looked at her, expecting her to choke out through great sobs a heart-touching story about the old man. Goddamnit, she didn’t have any stories. Uncle Brent had been a first-class smart-ass, just like everyone else in the family. He’d made her laugh a couple times, though. Like the
time he’d told their church lady neighbor that he’d been up in Hollywood, making porn movies. Uncle Brent claimed to be making five movies a day, ten bucks a shot. He’d said his stage name was Dickie Ramms.

  Mary had been in high school around that time, and she had nearly pissed her pants. Now, she suddenly started at her reflection. Mary was shocked to see a smile on her face, and even more stunned to see moisture around her eyes. It was leaking out onto her cheek. She brushed it away with the back of her hand.

  “Quiver,” she said, replaying the family tradition when someone was about to cry. “Come on, quiver,” she said to her reflection.

  And that Davies? Come on. What in the world was Jake thinking? She was all wrong for him. Christ, if he wanted a sheet of plywood he should have just gone to Home Depot. Maybe he had some kind of weird fetish for women resembling corpses. Necrophilia Lite. Uh, God, she thought. She felt nauseated over the thought of a corpse. Her uncle. Fuck. What a shitty way to go. The anger came back, and she welcomed it. It was much better than the self-pity she was on the verge of diving into.

  The bartender walked over and noticed her expression.

  “Everything okay?” he asked. Mary thought she saw a touch of actual caring, along with a healthy dose of good old-fashioned curiosity.

  Mary wiped her nose. “No, everything’s not okay. I just lost my uncle.”

  The bartender started to offer his condolences, but Mary cut him off.

  “But,” she said. “I haven’t looked under the fridge yet.”

  The bartender paused, then walked away, shaking his head. Mary shrugged her shoulders. There were people who got her. And there were people who didn’t.

  She’d long since given up trying to figure out who was who.

  Chapter Four

  Hey Brent, what are those photographers shooting? Your last head shot? Damn. Felt good to see that bastard julienned in the alley. It’d felt even better to stick the knife in him, to see the shock on his face.