Total Sarcasm

by Dan Ames

  “When we did it doggy, he used to do this trick…”

  “With his thumb, right?” Fran said.

  “Thank you, ladies!” Mary pulled out her card. “Call me if you think of anything not involving details of my deceased uncle’s genitalia.”

  “We’re always here to help,” Helen said with a straight face. “But we’ve got nothing else to tell you.”

  Mary opened the door.

  “Come back anytime, Mary!” Fran called out.

  Chapter Eighteen

  “You sure that’s all you want, baby? Information?”

  Mary leaned against the door frame of the dressing room, if you could call it that, behind the stage at the Leg Pull. Cecil, the manager, hadn’t lied to her about when the comedian who might know the identity of Brent’s ‘friend’ would be performing.

  She looked at Jimmy Miles, a fifty-ish black guy wearing a glittery shirt and shiny black pants. A half a bottle of Jheri Curl had to be in his hair.

  “Liberace know you’re wearing his shirt?” she said.

  She had come directly from her office where she’d tied up some loose ends on another case, filed paperwork, and cleared her e-mail. She’d also tried to erase from her memory banks the X-rated information she’d received from the three Senior Nymphs at Palm Terrace. It wasn’t an easy thing to do.

  After she left the office she came over once more to the Leg Pull to try to find out more information about Uncle Brent’s partner. When she pulled up to the place, she vowed that once Brent’s killer was locked up or dead, Mary would never come anywhere near the Leg Pull again.

  Now, the Liberace comment had hit home and Jimmy’s eyes went wide in feigned shock. “Whoooeee!” he said. “That is some kinda mouth you got. Naughty, naughty, naughty.”

  “Naughty? Let me guess, now you’re going to ask me if I need a spanking. Come on, if you’re not funny, try at least to be original.”

  The comedian gave her a big smile. “You sure are quick, baby! I like that!”

  “I really appreciate that, Jimmy. High praise,” Mary said. “Now I’d like to make this quick, too. Brent Cooper.”

  Jimmy’s eyes went wide again. “That guy got killed out back? What about him? Not me – I’m a lover not a fighter.”

  “You know anything about the guy he was performing with that night?” Mary said. “Your boss Cecil said you knew everyone.”

  “Shit.”

  “According to Cecil, you’re a regular gossip hound.”

  “Who does he think he is labeling me like that?” His voice had risen a couple of octaves. “No one labels me! Goddamn, I’d like to kick his ass one of these days.”

  “Ease up there, Macho Man.”

  “You makin’ fun of me?”

  “No, I’m being sincere. Just tell me who he is or where he is, I don’t care which.”

  Jimmy looked at her. “You like my shirt?”

  Mary debated about pulling out the .45 again, but decided against it. So she said, “I love your shirt. I’ll stop by Radio City Music Hall and ask the Rockettes if I can borrow one of theirs so we can match.”

  “That’s how it’s gonna be, huh?” he said. “Tell you what. Ordinarily I’d let a pretty little lady like you buy me a couple drinks first. But since I go on in about ten minutes, I don’t think I should be partaking in any of that nice booze out there. So why don’t you just give me some of that cash riding on that sweet ass of yours and I’ll buy myself a couple shots after the show. I’ll even toast you. That’s how Jimmy rolls, baby.”

  Mary sighed and pulled out a twenty. She held it in the air.

  “Let me hear something other than all those crackling sequins,” she said.

  Jimmy snorted. “Asshole’s name is Barry Olis,” he said. “Some old, un-funny geezer lives over at the Vista Del Mar apartments on Venice. Only reason I know that is because he’s got some lame-ass joke in his routine about it.”

  Mary gave him the twenty.

  “Add that to your wardrobe budget.”

  Chapter Nineteen

  Vista del Mar. View of the ocean, or Oceanview, in Spanish. Not quite, Mary thought. More like Vista del Winos and Liquor Stores.

  She parked the Accord and went to the apartment complex’s lobby, if you could call it that. It was more like a combination phone booth and port-a-potty. Small, dirty, and home to a few mystery puddles that looked like Apple Pucker after it’d been processed through someone’s oversized liver.

  Jeez, Mary thought. Uncle Brent’s place was like Camelot compared to this shithole.

  She was surprised to see the name Olis listed on one of the mailbox slots. #312. Mary looked around but didn’t see an elevator so she took the stairs. On the first landing, a man lay sprawled in his own vomit.

  “That’s okay, don’t get up,” Mary said as she passed him by. The man moaned and gargled at the same time. The smell made Mary hold her breath until she reached the third floor.

  As Mary opened the door and began walking down the hallway toward 312, she thought about Barry Olis. The name didn’t ring any kind of bell with her, but this was Hollywood. Uncle Brent had met and known untold numbers of people as a comedian and writer. There were probably hundreds of names she’d never heard of. Mary wondered if Uncle Brent had known this Barry guy recently or if they were old friends. Hopefully, Barry had seen something that had happened the night Brent was murdered. As of right now, there still weren’t any real witnesses.

  Mary finally came to Apartment 312. Farther down the hall, she heard a door slam and someone shout. She put her right hand inside her sport coat on the butt of her .45. With her left hand, she reached up and knocked.

  The door gave a little under her knock, and she saw that not only was the door unlocked, it wasn’t even latched shut. She looked both ways down the hall before taking her .45 all the way out of her shoulder holster.“Hello?” she said. “Anyone home?”

  Again with her left hand she reached up and gave a very gentle knock. The door creaked inward and in a flash, Mary saw the thin wire stretched across the opening and she dove to her left as a bright flash blinded her and then a tremendous roar filled her ears. She felt herself lifted off the floor and then smashed into something hard.

  For just a moment, she wondered if she looked just like the guy passed out in the stairwell.

  And then she didn’t wonder anymore.

  Chapter Twenty

  “I always knew I’d see you in bed again soon.”

  Mary opened her eyes, despite the crushing headache that made her grind her jaws. She was on a rolling bed in an ambulance, parked outside the Vista del Mar. Jake Cornell looked down at her, a look of bemusement on his face. It made her head hurt even worse.

  “And I knew you’d have to knock me unconscious to do it,” she said. Ooh, it hurt to talk, too. She ran a quick inventory up and down her body and discovered that just about everything ached.

  “The blast knocked you backward and you hit your head on the fire extinguisher hanging on the wall,” Jake said. “You were lucky. It could have been a fire axe instead.”

  Mary thought of a couple comebacks, but it hurt too much to actually say them. She groaned and struggled to sit up. The pain actually lessened once she was up, but now she felt sore ribs, too. When she looked up, what she saw next really hurt.

  Sergeant Arianna Davies now stood next to Jake. The Shark apparently smelled blood.

  Mary turned to the paramedic who was next to her, closing up his medical kit. “Do you have anything in there that will make her go away?” she said, nodding toward the Shark. The paramedic pretended not to hear her.

  “You really don’t want to keep your p.i. license do you, Cooper?” Davies said. “I told you to stay away from this case.”

  “Well, maybe you should sign me up for the same obedience course you put him through,” Mary said, nodding toward Jake.

  “Why were you here, Mary?” Jake asked. He tried to put it gently, but Mary still hated him for asking anyway. Tr
aitor.

  “Deadbeat Dad case I’m working on,” she said. “Supposedly the guy was hiding out here. Turns out he has a psychotic daughter.” She turned to Davies. “Your Mom hired me to find him.”

  “Not funny,” Davies said.

  “In Apartment 312?” Jake asked.

  “Deadbeat Dads don’t put their names on their mailboxes, Jake. You’ll learn that when you become a detective.” Jake’s face flashed red, and for a moment, Mary felt bad, which surprised her. She didn’t want to hurt him, just sting him a little. And she really didn’t want to ruin his career.

  “Ever heard of a man named Barrymore Olis?” Davies said. “Barry Olis to his friends?”

  “I know an Oily Boris, but not a Barry Olis.”

  “Well, there was a body in 312, and the apartment belonged to a Barry Olis,” Davies said.

  “Excellent deduction, detective,” Mary said.

  Jake pulled out a sheet of paper. “Any idea what this means?” But before Mary could answer, the Shark snatched the paper from Jake’s hand.

  “Let’s get information, Detective Cornell,” Davies said. A hard edge to her voice that perfectly complemented her entire being. “Not give it. We’re all done here,” she said. The Shark turned her full attention on Mary. “Stay away from me, Cooper. This is your last warning.”

  The Shark stormed off with Jake in tow.

  But it didn’t matter. Mary didn’t really care what the Shark threatened to do. She’d gotten a good look at that sheet of paper in Jake’s hand. A part of her wanted to believe that Jake had done it on purpose, to give her the information but make it look like he’d done it accidentally. Her heart lightened a little bit and she almost smiled.

  Mary had seen that piece of paper, and she had read it. So she knew what she had to do.

  It had been three little words. But words that tied this murder into Uncle Brent’s.

  The note had been in big block letters.

  He really bombed.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  “I always knew your career choice would blow up in your face,” Aunt Alice said as she let Mary inside the house. Mary rolled her eyes. A man in a pair of black slacks and a black turtleneck rose from the couch to greet her.

  “This is Whitney Braggs,” Alice said. “Whitney, this is my niece, Kojak.”

  “Mary, actually.”

  “Nice to meet you Mary Actually.”

  Oh God, Mary thought. Everyone’s a comedian. Braggs smiled at her and Mary noted the brilliant white teeth, the smooth, tanned skin and the perfect white hair. This guy was probably in his late sixties, but he clearly took good care of himself.

  “Really, though,” he said. “I know you’re a Cooper. Brent and I went way back. I’m sorry for your loss.” His voice was smooth and cultured. He sounded like a radio announcer.

  “Mary, can I get you anything?” Alice said. “A drink of water? An application to a local community college?”

  Mary had been released several hours ago. The prognosis had been good. No broken bones. A slight concussion, most likely. Right now, she just felt sore and tired.

  “Ladies,” Braggs said. “Since you’re both slightly incapacitated, allow me.” He escorted Alice to a chair. Even though she was walking now, it wasn’t a very steady gate. Mary didn’t bother waiting for him. She sat down on the yellow chair next to Alice. Alice asked for iced tea and Mary asked for a Diet Coke. Mary caught a waft of subtle, expensive cologne.

  Once Braggs had left for the kitchen, Mary turned to Aunt Alice. “So is the sex good with him?”

  Alice looked at her out of the corner of her eye and answered in a soft voice.

  “Why, would you be jealous?” she said.

  “Looks like you didn’t even ruffle his hair.”

  “He got so excited there wasn’t time…”

  The return of Braggs with the drinks cut Alice off.

  “Whitney says that a group of Brent’s friends are all coming to town,” Alice offered.

  “There go our property values,” Mary said. “Buy your polyester shirts and Sansabelts now, before they’re gone.”

  “Some of them are actually here, living here,” Braggs said. “But yeah, there are a few out-of-towners. You know, we were all pretty close back in the day,” he said, his face thoughtful. Mary thought he was a pretty good actor, too.

  “When you say ‘we’, who are you talking about?” she asked.

  “She’s a p.i.,” Alice said. “She asks questions all the time. Let me know if she starts bugging you, I’ve got a muzzle for her, it has her monogram on it…”

  “Yeah,” Mary said. “And I’ve got her ball gag in my purse.”

  “No, no, no,” Braggs said. “That’s fine, that’s fine,” he said, holding out his finely manicured hands. Jeez, Mary thought. The guy’s got better nails than I do.

  “Just some friends who all started together way back when,” he said. “We sort of cheered each other on, critiqued each other’s jokes. If one of us got a job, he’d try to get some of us hired, too, or at least submit our material.”

  “So you guys were all comedians, or what?” Mary said.

  “Most of us did stand-up. All of us wrote material, too, and tried to get jobs on TV. shows. You know, talk shows, variety shows, sitcoms. Some of us did, some of us didn’t.”

  “Did you?” Alice asked.

  “I had some early success,” he said. His expression was one of careful modesty. “A few little roles on the Dick Van Dyke Show, and others. But then I went into commercial voiceover work.” He smiled. “Visa. The only card you need.”

  “Yes, that’s you! I thought I recognized your voice. That’s impressive!” Alice said.

  “So are the royalty checks,” Braggs said with a wink.

  “Sorry about my last payment,” Alice said. “I swear I mailed it out in time, but the frickin’ mail is so slow!”

  “I heard her say the same thing to the cable guy,” Mary said. “Let me ask you something, Mr. Braggs.”

  “Please, Whitney.”

  “Did you ever know a Barry Olis?”

  “Yes! I knew Barry,” Braggs said, surprise in his voice. “I tried to track him down, too, but couldn’t find an address.”

  “Well, he’s now in multiple locations,” Mary said. Alice and Braggs gave her a blank look.

  “He was in the apartment that exploded,” she said. “The one that nearly took me with it.”

  “Oh, dear God,” Braggs said. Mary noted that his face went slightly pale. Although, with his tan, it was more like it went slightly taupe.

  “Do they know who did it?” he asked.

  “They know the killer has a really good sense of humor,” Mary said.

  “What do you mean?” he asked.

  She shook her head. “Nothing, it’s not important.” Mary then thought of something. She gestured to both Aunt Alice and Braggs. “So did you two know each other? Why did you come here, to her place? To see what happens to upholstery gone bad?”

  “I knew Brent had a sister in town, he’d mentioned that,” Braggs said. “A few phone calls and I found the particulars. I missed the funeral.”

  “Too bad, it was a good show,” Mary said. “A regular laugh fest.”

  “Coopers just can’t be serious about anything,” Alice said. “Especially her,” she said, then lifted a cane and pointed it at Mary.

  “So do the police think Brent’s and Barry Olis’ murders are connected?” Braggs asked.

  “I’m not exactly the person they like to share intimate details with,” Mary said. “In fact, they keep warning me they’ll take my license away. I think they feel threatened.”

  “Do they know it’s a cosmetician’s license?” Alice said.

  “Okay,” Braggs said. “Then let me ask you this, Mary. Do you think the murders are connected?”

  “They’re tied together more tightly than Alice’s black lace bodystocking.”

  “It’s not black, it’s fire-engine red, baby,” Al
ice said, a small smile tugging at the corner of her mouth.

  “Oh, boy. This is serious,” Braggs said, resting his chin in his hand and looking out Alice’s picture window. There wasn’t much to see out there, Mary thought. A few houses. Not a whole lot of inspiration. Nonetheless, Braggs sat straight up and clapped his hands together.

  “Brent also mentioned you,” he said to Mary.

  “I’m sure it was a real Hallmark moment,” Mary said.

  Braggs smiled an easy, comforting smile. “He simply mentioned he had a niece who was a helluva private investigator. I swear, that’s what he said.”

  “He was probably joking, testing out some new material,” Alice offered.

  “Well, that’s kind of why I came to see Alice,” Braggs said.

  “You need a good reason. No one would do it on their own volition,” Mary said.

  “I came here to see Alice, but I also came to find you,” he said.

  “Visiting Mary is like rubbernecking at a car accident – you don’t really want to, but sometimes you just can’t stop yourself.”

  “Why me?” Mary said.

  “The group of guys I told you about? The ones who all started out with Brent and me way back when?”

  Mary nodded.

  “We want to hire you to find Brent’s killer,” Braggs said. “And now Barry’s too.”

  Her first inclination was to say absolutely not. But she was looking into the case anyway, so she may as well get paid for it. Plus, since she had a legitimate client now, she actually had a legal right to do some investigating. At least, enough right to challenge the Shark the next time they butted heads.

  “There’s only one condition,” Braggs said.

  Uh-oh, Mary thought.

  “I’m coming with you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  Mary shot up Pico, then hooked a left onto Lincoln. A few minutes later she pulled up in front of the Leg Pull. Mary hoped once and for all that this would be the last time she had to come to this shithole.