Total Sarcasm

by Dan Ames

She spewed a mixture of air and water at the surface, and saw the back of the Diver Down, too far away now, but close enough that she could see a man looking back toward where she’d gone into the water.

  Mary treaded water and tried to clear her head. She could see Catalina in the distance, but there was no way she could swim that far. She gagged again and felt her stomach heave. Fear gripped her insides and she nearly panicked, her mind filled with images of her drowning and sharks ripping her apart. In an instant’s flash, she saw her balcony with her view of the Pacific and her head cleared.

  She had one option. To wait. It was a relatively busy area, with sailboats and speedboats and the occasional ferry.

  But she was afraid how long she could last in the cold water. Sharks were known to be out this far.

  She swam farther into the kelp. Look on the bright side, she thought. People pay top dollar for this. Probably at least $500 for a kelp bath at LeMerigot spa.

  “There’s the positive spirit, Mary,” she said. “Hey, look on the bright side. Sharks generally don’t attack in the middle of the kelp. People drown all the time getting tangled in kelp, but sharks don’t attack.”

  Mary put a hand up against the side of her head. It came away pinkish. She hoped that meant there wasn’t much blood there.

  “Stupid,” she said. Someone had been hiding down below in the cabin. She’d been able to see the old man at the wheel out of the corner of her eye just before the attack. So someone else had slipped out of the sleeping quarters, came up behind her, bonked her, and tossed her overboard.

  Mary thought of the Discovery channel, of how seals would roll themselves up in kelp to keep them afloat and then nap.

  Cold began to seep into her body. Not enough for hypothermia, but enough to give her a summer cold, and those are the worst, Mary thought.

  So she waited. She was enveloped by cold. Her teeth chattered, and she was getting tired from treading water. Once, she felt something slick and rubbery scrape against her leg and she nearly screamed.

  Just when she thought she couldn’t last any longer and would have to try swimming the rest of the way to the island, she heard the sound of a motor.

  It was a high-pitched whine, rather than the deep rumble of a boat. Mary peeled herself out of the kelp and swam toward the open ocean. Far off, she saw two jet skis on their way to Catalina.

  She swam as fast as she could for ten minutes, as the jet skis came closer. Finally, when she thought she could get their attention, she surged out of the water and waved her arms up over her head. Survival water ballet.

  There were two of them, and it was an awful moment when they seemed totally oblivious to her. Mary gathered herself and launched her body out of the water, waving her arms over her head. It was the second rider who finally spotted her. He zoomed out past the leader, and herded him over toward Mary.

  Minutes later, they pulled up next to her. They were covered in tattoos and had more piercings than Aunt Alice’s pin cushion. And they were the most beautiful people she had ever seen.

  “Dude, what happened?” the lead guy asked, displaying a tongue stud.

  “What, you’ve never seen a mermaid before?” she said. She reached out and got ahold of the jet ski’s side.

  “Lift me up and I’ll show you my tail,” she said.

  “Cool, man!” the guy said and reached out for her.

  It was a little tricky, but between Mary hoisting herself up, and the guy lifting, she was able to swing onto the back of the machine.

  “We’re going to Catalina, dude,” he said to her. “Get wasted and then ride back!”

  “I’m going to Catalina too,” Mary said. “To beat the crap out of a couple of old men.”

  “Kick ass, dude!” the guy said.

  Chapter Forty-Nine

  Finding a guy with the austere nickname of ‘Mungo’ shouldn’t have been a big challenge to Mary. But it was. Because Mungo certainly wasn’t really Mungo.

  Still, the old man had a boat and made deliveries. Mary was sure that part of it wasn’t a lie.

  After her new ‘best dude’ dropped her off at the pier, she went to the public bathroom and checked her cut, which was pretty small, and pulled out the small business card case she kept in her front pocket. In addition to business cards, she had an American Express card for emergencies tucked in the very back.

  She went to the first store she could find and bought a pair of overpriced pants and a matching overpriced sweatshirt, went back to the public bathroom and changed. Her head hurt, and her body ached. Her stomach was queasy from all the saltwater she’d swallowed. She wanted to call Jake. A part of her still felt like she was bobbing out in the Pacific, alone and bleeding. As much as the idea of hearing his voice pleased her, the hassle of explaining how and why she’d ended up here outweighed the benefit.

  She needed to sit down for awhile and get her bearings. She went to a place called the Blue Heron and ordered coffee.

  No point going to the cops on the island. For one thing, they wouldn’t do much. And for another thing, they might call L.A. and that would cause a huge cock-up and she might wind up in the Catalina slammer for a day or two. Nuh-uh.

  She sipped her coffee and thought about what had happened. Why Catalina? Just to get her out on a boat? That seemed sort of silly. They could have said Kenum was a sport fisherman or a worker on a cruise line or a shrimper.

  The waitress came back to check on her.

  “I’m looking for the old bastard who tossed me off his boat,” Mary said to her. “Said his name was Mungo and that he ran supplies in here on a regular basis. Ever heard of him?”

  “Nope,” the waitress said. “What’d he look like?”

  “Old. Tan.”

  “That’s all that’s out here!”

  “Maybe you’ve heard of his boat.” Mary said. “He’s a big Van Halen fan, apparently. It’s called the Diver Down.”

  “Let me ask my manager,” the waitress said. “He knows everyone on the island.”

  Mary was about done with her coffee when the waitress reappeared with an older man dressed in jeans and a blue denim shirt.

  “Dick Kay owns the Diver Down,” he said to her.

  Mary smiled and wrote out a huge tip.

  Chapter Fifty

  Following the restaurant manager’s directions, Mary discovered it was a short walk to the dock and an even shorter walk to where the Diver Down sat in its slip.

  “Gee, it’s not like he and his buddy attempted murder or anything and are trying to keep a low profile,” Mary said. She shook her head. Bad guys were so brazen these days. Throw a woman overboard, cruise into the harbor, and take a nap. No big deal.

  Mary called out, “Hey Dicky, you dropped something back in the ocean.” She wished she had her gun, but figured that they wouldn’t try to kill her right here, in such a public place. Besides, she knew she could kick Dicky Kay’s ass, and she fully intended to do just that.

  She waited but no response came.

  Mary cupped her hands around her mouth. “Dicky, if you’re taking a crap, flush, wipe, then come out with your hands up. After you wash them, I mean.”

  A couple people started looking over and Mary knew they might consider calling the cops if she looked too suspicious. So she climbed onto the deck of the Diver Down and went straight to the cabin.

  Once her eyes adjusted, she immediately saw Dicky. He was flat on his back on the floor, and his body looked like it had been subjected to the infamous Torture of a Thousand Cuts. His skin was literally slashed everywhere on his body. Great folds of it lay exposed, and folded over, revealing deep red crevasses of flesh.

  There was a lot of blood.

  But the blood seemed to be too splashed around. It covered the floor. And only the floor. None on the walls or the ceiling. Almost as if there was a pattern. She cocked her head.

  And then she saw it.

  The blood was smeared into letters.

  Enjoy the floor show.

  Chapter
Fifty-One

  Mary spent the night in Catalina, but at least it wasn’t in the slammer. It took the rest of the next day for the police to get her statement and let her catch the last ferry off the island.

  Mary finally made it back to her apartment. She immediately stripped off her nasty new clothes from the island, threw them into the garbage, took a long, hot shower, and went to sleep. In her dreams, she was still stuck in the kelp bed and she started to sink into the water. There was a white glow in the water beneath her and as she sunk deeper, it seemed as if it was rising. She peered closer. And she saw the faces of her parents.

  Mary shot up in bed, her breath coming in gasps. It had been years since she’d had a nightmare about her parents. Mary grabbed the phone and called Jake, but she went straight to voicemail. She didn’t leave a message.

  Mary slept fitfully until morning, then got out of bed, showered again, dressed and went across the hall. She knocked on Chris McAllister’s door, but there was no answer.

  She went back into her apartment, made some coffee, and thought about the state of things. There was one facet of the case that had stood out to her from the very beginning. And this morning, she was determined to tackle it head on. She made a quick egg white omelet, chased it with toast and more coffee, then locked the place.

  It was time to see Harvey Mitchell.

  Mary took Wilshire from Santa Monica up into Beverly Hills and for once, traffic wasn’t horrible.

  Mitchell’s office was just off one of the studio lots in a little cabana type building. Outside there was a fountain with a sculpture of a girl doing a cartwheel. There were also people riding around in golf carts.

  Mary had chosen the Lexus over the Honda for the foray into Beverly Hills and now she parked it in a visitor space and went to the front door.

  She stepped inside and saw the desk before she saw the woman. The desk was neatly organized with an old-fashioned French phone nestled in its cradle.

  The woman behind it was in her early twenties, with a rock hard body and long straight black hair.

  “May I help you,” the woman said, her voice slightly rough and textured. Either affected, or lots of booze and cigarettes. Mary ruled out the booze, this woman clearly worked out. She was wearing a black t-shirt with black dress slacks. Mary could see the biceps and triceps struggling for dominance.“I’m Mary Cooper, here to see Harvey Mitchell.”

  Mary saw the woman start to speak but she spoke first. “Yes, I have an appointment. Three o’clock.”

  Mary watched as she looked at the book. The woman’s name momentarily eluded her, but then it popped in.

  “You’re Claudia Ridner, right? Mr. Mitchell’s assistant?”

  “Yep, but everybody calls me Claw,” she said, and held up one of her hands which had some impressively long fingernails.

  “Bet you can snatch fish out of a river with those.”

  “No, they’re not fake,” Claudia said, ignoring Mary’s comment. “And yes, you can go in.” She nodded toward the door behind her.

  Mary walked through the small waiting area with a loveseat, two chairs, and a curvy coffee table stacked with entertainment industry pubs.

  She pushed open the door, which was already slightly ajar, and stepped into Mitchell’s office. It was a large space, lined on all sides with glass that provided views of the surrounding greenery.

  Mitchell’s desk was solid black and solid wood, stacked high with notes, paper, and books. He looked up at her.

  “Ah, the p.i. who threatened to go to the press if I didn’t see her,” he said, his voice booming with a deep richness that didn’t get its just desserts through television speakers.

  He was dressed in a shirt and tie, Mary noted the blue sport coat tossed over the back of one of the visitor’s chairs.

  “Thank you for that completely accurate assessment,” Mary said. “That’s me in a nutshell.”

  He stood and extended his hand. Mary took it. “So you’re Brent’s niece, huh? I can see a slight resemblance. You have all of his good, none of his bad,” he said.

  “Brent didn’t have any bad looks. That’s why he was so lucky with the ladies.”

  “I wasn’t talking about looks,” Mitchell said. He gestured Mary to the visitor chair that wasn’t holding the blue sport coat.

  “Can I get you a drink?” he asked, moving to the little bar off to the side. “It’s almost five, isn’t it?”

  “Three-thirty,” Mary said.

  “Close enough.”

  He poured himself a scotch.

  “Club soda,” Mary said.

  “Boo,” Mitchell said.

  Mitchell fixed the drinks and brought Mary’s to her. He then sat behind the desk and sipped.

  “So how’s business?” Mary said.

  “Good, good,” Mitchell said. “Ratings as high as ever. I’ve got three development deals on the table.”

  “I’m happy for you. So tell me how you found out about my uncle.”

  “The news. Just like everyone else.”

  Mitchell rocked in his chair and stared at the ceiling. He leaned forward, took a drink, then rocked back and again examined the ceiling.

  “So tell me about you and the gang,” Mary said. “Brent’s old gang. Way back when,” Mary said.

  Mitchell’s head dropped down and he looked her in the eye. “We had fun,” he said. “I’ll tell you that.”

  “So much fun that someone would want to murder Brent?” Mary said.

  “I don’t know anything about that. Brent screwed, and screwed over, a lot of women. That didn’t go over well with the women, naturally, or some of the men, frankly. Old boyfriends, new boyfriends, brothers, fathers, uncles, sons, you name it. Brent pissed them all off.”

  Mary pretended to take a drink as Mitchell looked at her, clearly trying to gauge her reaction.

  “I’m a big believer in instinct, Mr. Mitchell,” Mary said. “And something’s telling me that this isn’t about a lover scorned. Somebody is killing off people from the ‘old gang’ as it were. Brent. Barry Olis. Noah Baxter. Dicky Kay.”

  “Dicky’s dead?” Mitchell asked, his voice incredulous. “Jesus Christ.” His face had gone pale. Mary didn’t think he was acting. He was scared. But of what she wasn’t sure.

  “I heard about Noah Baxter. Somebody shot him,” Mitchell said.

  “Yeah,” Mary said. “Me.”

  “You?”

  “Yep.”

  “Why?”

  “He tried to kill me first. And he was a bad dresser.”

  “Jesus! What the hell is going on?”

  “I have no idea. So who do you think it is?”

  “Who?”

  “Whoever’s killing off you old unfunny bastards.”

  Mitchell raised an eyebrow.

  “Just kidding,” Mary said. “But what do you think? Anyone from the old gang come to mind? Anyone who hated all of you and wouldn’t mind knocking you off one by one?”

  “Everybody hated us,” he said. “A lot of us weren’t stars. But we were writers, actors, producers, behind-the-scenes guys who made it happen. We ended up being quite a power to reckon with. Not bad for a bunch of guys who just started partying together and success just kind of showed up. Not to mention the fact that between Brent, Braggs, and myself, half the hot ladies in Hollywood were getting laid on a regular basis.”

  Mary rolled her eyes.

  “I’m just stating the facts, ma’am,” he said.

  “Fine,” Mary said. “Let’s get down to specifics.”

  “Oh, looks like I got down to the bottom of my glass,” he said and went and refilled his drink.

  Mary waited until he had returned to his chair. “David Kenum,” she said.

  Before he could answer, Claudia “The Claw” Ridner poked her head in. “Mr. Mitchell? You’ve got a pre-pro meeting in fifteen minutes.”

  Mitchell nodded and waved her away.

  “Let’s make this quick.”

  “David Kenum,” Mary rep
eated.

  “Oh God. Psycho. Utterly nuts. Mean, vicious, violent. He killed a girl. Probably more than one. He’s in prison.”

  “Actually, he got out last week.”

  “Oh Lord have mercy on us all,” Mitchell said.

  “Know where he might be?”

  “Fuck no!”

  “Think he might be behind all of this?”

  “Hell yes! The guy’s a basket case. He’s probably killed a dozen people we don’t know about!”

  “Has he ever contacted you?”

  “No. Never. I would remember because I would have shit my pants.”

  “All right. Marie Stevens.”

  He turned slightly in his chair. The first time he’d shifted since she started asking questions. Mary noted the move.

  “Nice girl,” Mitchell said. “A little weird. But nice.”

  “Know where she is?”

  “God, I haven’t heard from her in twenty years. She just sort of disappeared. That Kenum,” Mitchell said. “One time I was banging this girl in the bathroom.” He stopped and looked at Mary. “Sorry, but–”

  “Don’t worry about it. I’ve heard plenty of stories regarding sex in bathrooms. I was thinking of making a coffee table book about it.”

  “Anyway – I was doing this chick in the bathroom and all of a sudden I feel this pain on my throat. I thought it was weird. Was I tangled in something? Then I turn my head and there’s Kenum. He said he wanted to cut my throat.” Mitchell shook his head.

  “What happened then?” Mary said.

  “Limp dick happened, that’s what. I was a horny sonofabitch, but show me a guy who can diddle someone while a knife is at his throat.”

  Mary nodded. “That’s a cute story,” she said. “Bet you always tell that around the holidays.”

  The secretary poked her head back in.

  “Mr. Mitchell…”

  He got up and breezed past Mary.

  “Sorry, showbiz calls.”

  Mary followed him out.

  Chapter Fifty-Two

  Mary was not proud to admit it, but she was somewhat ambivalent about kids. She had a feeling she would be crazy about her own if she ever had any, but at the moment, there wasn’t a huge attraction there. Some kids were cute as hell. Beautiful, actually. And she did encounter a flare of envy now and then. But she also saw the other side of the coin. The incredible amount of hard work it entailed. She didn’t think she could handle it. At least, not right now.