by Elle Thorpe
I raised my hand, and when the nurse nodded to me, I stood up and cleared my throat. “I don’t have any fears or questions. I’m fresh out of those after two months in here.”
There was a sprinkling of quiet laughs from the now familiar faces around the circle, but the nurse smiled proudly, as if my words had just made her day. I grinned back at her.
“I don’t have fears, but there is something I want to talk about.”
Will sat back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest like the cat that ate the canary.
“I met this amazing woman a few months ago. And I finally feel like I deserve her.”
32
Low
After therapy, I wandered back to my room. It was small but cleaned daily, with a single bed underneath a window that overlooked a tidy courtyard. There was a small writing desk and a TV on the wall. We weren’t required to stay on grounds, but I’d only left a handful of times in the past few weeks, just to grab myself a pizza or more toothpaste. I’d enjoyed the solitude here, the time to think and reflect on how I’d gotten to this point in my life. All I’d thought about for months were the choices I’d made and the choices I needed to make in the future. Part of me was scared to leave the safety of the clinic, but the real world hadn’t stopped while I’d been gone. I knew that. It was time to re-join it. And it was time to claim back the love of my life.
I sat on the bed, the springs beneath me protesting. I might not have had my shit together completely, but I’d done all I could here. It was time to move on and get my life together outside the safety of the clinic.
A yellow slip of paper on my desk caught my eye and my heart skipped a beat. I stood and crossed the room to pull the little square of paper off the desk, its sticky backing providing little resistance. I skimmed the words, my breath leaving my body in a whoosh. For a second I’d thought she’d been here. Which was stupid because she had no idea where I was, and I hadn’t turned my phone on since I’d called my grandparents and the racetrack the morning after I’d arrived. The nurses wouldn’t have allowed her into my room while I’d been at a session anyway. But for a second, I’d hoped...
The note was just a message from reception. Please return your grandmother’s call. Urgent. A flicker of worry shot through me as the words sank in. Gran wouldn’t have called me here if it wasn’t important. I’d explained everything to her over the last few weeks. I’d taken to slipping down to reception after hours, when it was quiet and dark, to keep her updated on what was going on. It was enough to keep her worry at bay, and there was no reason for her to call and check up on me. I’d only just spoken to her last night.
I dropped the note and jogged down the hall to the reception desk. “Can I use a phone, please?”
The receptionist nodded and pointed to the other end of the desk where a phone sat in its cradle.
The phone rang once before Gran answered. “Low?” She didn’t even say hello. My heart sank and nerves churned in my gut. She had to have been waiting with the phone in her hand to answer so quickly.
“It’s me.” My voice cracked and I coughed to clear it. “What’s wrong? Is Pop okay?”
“He’s fine. Your friend Jamison called.”
Jamison? Why would he be calling my grandparents? He knew of them, but as far as I knew they’d never met.
“I didn’t tell him where you were. I didn’t know if he knew and that’s not my business. But he asked if I could get a message to you, and I agreed. Only because he sounded so worried,” she added in a rush.
“It’s fine, Gran. What’s wrong?”
“He said you need to come home. Reese…” Her voice trailed off and in the silence my mind raced.
“Reese what? Is she okay?” Panic shot through me. It had to be bad if Jamison had tracked my grandparents down just to get a message to me. I ran my free hand through my hair, every muscle tensing, ready to grab a set of keys and fly down the highway to Reese’s place. Fuck! I didn’t even have a car here, and I wasn’t going anywhere with this damn landline keeping me tethered.
“I don’t know. Jamison just said she wasn’t in good shape and he thought you should know.”
I paced around in tiny circles, which was as far as the short cord on the phone would allow. The linoleum squeaked under the soles of my shoes. “What does that mean? Have you seen her?”
I imagined my grandmother, sitting on the edge of her flowered lounge, shaking her head.
“No, love, I was waiting for you to call me back to see what you wanted to do. Maybe you should call her? Or I could go over there and check on her for you.”
“No, it’s fine. I need to see her and make sure she’s okay. Thank you for calling. I love you.”
I hung up before she could argue and sprinted out of the office, down the hall, and skidded to a stop in the doorway of a room identical to my own. I didn’t waste time knocking, taking the liberty of opening the door myself.
“Will!” I yelled as I barged in. Will and Tim, who were sitting on the single bed, jumped apart looking guilty. I raised an eyebrow at Will but didn’t bother questioning them over what they were doing in here alone together. It wasn’t my place to judge.
“I need your car.”
“What?”
“Your car keys, where are they?” I asked, scanning his bare desk and the bedside table that looked much the same way.
He stood up and opened the drawer on the bedside table, and pulled them out. “Where are you going in such a rush?”
“Reese.”
Will gave me a grin and dropped the keys into my outstretched hand. “’Bout time, brother. Go get your woman.”
I frowned. “You’re an idiot. Who talks like that?” Then I punched him in the arm to let him know I was joking. “Thanks, man. I’ll bring it back as soon as I can.”
I ran back down the hall to my own room, snatched my wallet and my useless dead phone, and sprinted out to the parking lot. Will drove a Ford that had seen better days, but all I cared about in that moment was if it had a phone charger and enough petrol to get us back to Sydney. Sliding into the driver’s seat, I leant across to rifle through the glove box and almost cheered when I came up victorious, phone charger in hand.
Impatient, I started the car with one hand while shoving the charger into the cigarette lighter with the other. Connecting my phone proved more difficult, with me jabbing at it uselessly, before I took a deep breath and calmly plugged it in.
The way I drove out of the car park was anything but calm, though. I navigated my way through the back streets on my way to the highway, continually glancing over at my phone, willing it to have enough charge to make a damn phone call. I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel and told myself to calm down and take a breath. I didn’t even know what was wrong with her, and I wasn’t going to be of any help to anyone if I got myself killed on my way home. Plus, Will would kill me if I wrote off his car. Trees and buildings whizzed by in my peripheral vision, but I concentrated on keeping the car moving down the highway without breaking the speed limit too much.
The ding from my phone, signalling it had finally turned itself back on, broke the tense silence that seemed to crackle in the air around me. And then the messages came flooding in. Message tone after message tone. Goddammit, turning your phone off for two months created quite the backlog. Though I supposed that could have been avoided if I hadn’t just up and left and had maybe told someone where I was going. Guilt washed over me. I couldn’t believe I’d just left Reese without a word. And not even just Reese, messages were pouring in from Jamison and the rest of the crew as well. I’d make it up to all of them. I just had to get to Reese first.
“Siri, call Reese,” I commanded when the message tone fell silent and hoped like hell my phone would understand me for once. “You fuck this up and I swear I’m switching to Samsung,” I muttered under my breath.
“Calling Reese,” Siri said in her overly polite voice.
“You live to see another day, iPhone.�
�
Reese’s phone went straight to voice mail. “Fuck!” I yelled and slammed my finger on the cancel button.
Jamison was next, and unlike Reese, he answered right away. Like Gran earlier, he didn’t say hello either. He wasn’t quite as nice as she had been, though.
“Fuck you, asshole. I’m not even going to ask where the hell you’ve disappeared to. Are you coming back?”
I cringed internally at the seething anger in his voice. I was going to have to do some major apologising to him later.
“I’m on my way. What’s wrong with Reese? She’s not answering her phone.”
“I know. I’ve been calling her for a week now. She hasn’t been at work either. B said something about her family. But she’s not talking and she won’t let any of us in. You’re a last resort. We thought she might hate you enough to at least open the door and punch you.”
Her family. Shit, something must have happened. “Is she at her place?”
“I don’t know, probably. B, Riley, and I have all gone over there multiple times and she won’t let any of us in. We’re pretty sure she’s in there, though. We didn’t know who else to call.”
“Okay. Thanks, Jam. And I’m sorry. I’ll explain later, but I need to sort this shit with Reese out first.”
Jamison’s voice softened. “I’m still pissed as hell, and I’m probably going to throat-punch you when I see you. Just so you know, because you fucking deserve it.”
“Fair enough. I’ll take it graciously.”
Jamison snorted. “Just go see if you can get Reese to talk to you, will you?”
“I’m on it. I’m halfway back to Sydney already.”
33
Low
I made it back to Sydney in under two hours. I had no idea how I hadn’t picked up a speeding ticket along the way.
The stairs to Reese’s apartment creaked as I thundered up them two at a time. Hesitation slowed me when I reached her door, though, and I stared at it for a long moment, catching my breath. My heart felt like it had travelled north and lodged in my throat. I forced my fingers into a fist and knocked on the door, giving her a few minutes, then knocking again harder when nothing happened. I pressed my ear to the door, resting my hands and chest against the scratched wood surface. Nothing. It was possible she wasn’t home, but something told me she was.
“Reese!” I yelled, then strained my ears for even the slightest noise coming from inside the apartment. “It’s me. Low.”
Nothing.
“I know I’m the last person you want to see, but I just need to know you’re okay.” My voice cracked. “As soon as I see you are, I’ll go. I swear.”
More silence from the other side. I slumped against the door and turned my forehead into the wood. The tiniest of noises came from the other side and my heart leapt into my throat. What was that? A hiccup?
“Reese! Open the damn door. I’m not leaving until you do!” I thumped the door again, in earnest this time. “I swear I’ll break this damn thing down if I have to.” Now that I knew she was inside, there was no way I was leaving until we hashed this out. It had been too long coming.
I pressed my ear to the door again and immediately wished I hadn’t. Her muffled sobs ripped my chest open as physically as if I’d been stabbed with a knife, my insides spilling out right there on her doorstep.
The lock clicked next to my ear and I stepped back as the door cracked open. One beautiful brown eye appeared in the gap, the whites shot through with red. Her skin was bare of makeup, and her dark hair tousled in a messy halo. She looked like hell. And yet she was still the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen.
“Go away, Low. I’m not interested in anything you have to say.” Yet she’d opened the door. Not for Bianca. Not for Jamison.
For me.
It had to mean something. She went to shut the door, but I grabbed it before she could. She pushed against me for a second before she walked away and let it swing open behind her. Her feet were bare, a pair of sleep shorts sitting low on her waist revealing long tan legs and a hint of smooth skin where her shirt rode up. I stayed in the doorway, studying every inch of her while trying to give her space. She turned as she reached the lounge; the circles under her eyes were so dark that from a distance they could have been mistaken for bruises. Exhaustion weighed heavy in her voice.
My hands balled in an attempt to stop myself from striding across the room and reaching out for her. I wanted to touch every inch of her skin until I was certain she was really right here in front of me after so long. If I could just pull her into my arms, I could start to make this better, and maybe I’d get some relief from the constant ache I’d carried around since the day I’d left. Fuck, I’d missed her.
“Well, come in if you’re going to. No point standing there after you’ve made such a big show about letting you in in the first place.”
It wasn’t really an invitation. Beneath the exhaustion, I heard the underlying anger. Anger that was warranted and well-deserved. I stayed still, unable to let myself get close to her until she honestly wanted me in her space.
She sat down on the floor, between the lounge and the coffee table and flashbacks of sitting in the same position in my own apartment pounded through my skull. It felt like a lifetime ago. She tucked her legs up tight to her chest, wrapping her arms around them as the silence between us drew out. It was a long time before she looked up, and when she did, her eyes were full of pain and unshed tears.
That one look smashed whatever willpower I’d mustered, her pain consuming me as surely as if it were my own. I slammed the door shut and took three long strides into the room. I fell to my knees beside her, the soft carpet cushioning the blow. “Talk to me? Please?”
She pulled her legs tighter to her chest and laid her cheek on her knees. Her eyes were huge when they met mine. “What do you want from me, Low? You up and left without a word, and now you’re here, out of the blue, wanting to talk? Don’t you think it’s a bit late for that?”
“Maybe.” I edged closer, ignoring the way my skin hummed as my arm brushed hers. “But I’m going to try anyway. I’ll try every damn day if I have to. If that’s what it takes. And even if you hate me, I’m not going anywhere until you’re okay.”
She snorted. “You might be waiting awhile then.”
This couldn’t just be about me leaving. Not solely, and not after this long. She wouldn’t quit showing up at work and lock herself in her apartment over me. I knew her better than that. She was stronger than that. Whatever had happened was bigger than just me and my bullshit.
A tear rolled down her cheek and I brushed it away without thinking. She blinked, her eyes closing as she leant into my touch. A flicker of hope lit up within me, and my heart began to beat again. Needing more, I tucked a strand of her dark hair behind her ear, fingers trailing over her skin. Our gazes locked as my palms found the back of her neck and I paused before I pulled her closer. My brain shut down and before I could analyse what was happening, my lips crashed down onto hers. Her mouth melded to mine as if we’d kissed this way a thousand times, and I wondered how I’d gone two months without this. Without her.
She let out a tiny noise that sounded an awful lot like a cry, and my heart stopped. I pulled back an inch to investigate, but her mouth chased mine, claiming me again, and so instead I pulled her closer, feeling a shudder run through her as she relaxed into my arms.
There was no time to analyse or dwell on everything we still needed to sort out. Nothing had changed between us. I knew that. The heat and connection between us burned so brightly, I thought it would engulf me. Her lips sent a shot of molten lava right to my heart, every emotion, every feeling I’d suppressed about her for months exploding free. And I kissed her as if it were the last time, because it was already more than I’d dared to hope for.
It took a long time for my head to clear and to find the willpower to pull away. And when I did, my lips hovered only centimetres from hers, our breaths mingling in the tiny gap between
us.
“Reese,” I breathed, my gaze flicking over her as I tried to read her expression. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.” Being this close to her was torture. All I wanted was to pull her into my arms and do that again and again, for the rest of our lives.
Reese’s gaze lifted from my lips and she stared at me with those sad, glassy eyes. Neither of us moved for a silent moment that seemed to drag on for an hour.
“Do it again,” she finally whispered.
“Do what?”
“Kiss me.” She said it so quietly, I could barely hear her, despite being only inches apart.
I inched forward, bypassing her mouth, and placed a kiss to her temple. My lips lingered over her warm skin, and I fought the urge to trail more kisses along the side of her exposed neck. I couldn’t tell what she was thinking when I wasn’t looking into her eyes. And I needed to know how she felt more than I needed to kiss her.
It was Reese who moved next. In one fluid movement, she lifted herself from the floor, straddling herself across my thighs. Her hands locked around my neck and she pulled my head down, the same way she had the last time she’d kissed me, just moments before the doctor had told us I was HIV positive. She kissed me hard, her mouth unrelenting on mine. I pulled away again.
“Reese?” I tried to regain the eye contact we’d had a moment earlier, but she avoided my gaze.
“Shut up, Low.” Her voice was husky as she silenced my questions with her mouth. My brain warred with my body. This wasn’t right. I’d started the kissing, but fuck, we were avoiding the problem in the same way we always did. We couldn’t keep doing this. We needed to talk. But dammit if my body would listen. My lips responded, opening and allowing her access as my hips ground up to meet hers. My cock hadn’t seen any action in months, and my hands itched to grab her by the hips, lay her out on the carpet next to us, and take her hard. I groaned into her mouth, as her hands frantically grasped at my shirt, tugging it over my head, before our lips crashed together again. She had one hand down my pants and wrapped around my aching cock before I came to my senses.
