by Elle Thorpe
“Jesus, stop, Reese!” I grabbed her hand and jerked away from her all too tempting lips.
She pulled away, panting. “What?”
“This isn’t what I’m here for.”
Her eyes narrowed. “Isn’t it? Then why the hell are you here? Because unless you’re here to fuck, I’m not interested.” She stood up, anger radiating from her in waves, and moved to the kitchen, grabbing an unopened bottle of bourbon from the table on her way. My gaze followed her.
“Don’t do that. Don’t pretend all we are is physical. I’m not going to sleep with you just so you don’t have to think. Whatever it is, you’re going to have to talk about it first.”
She cracked the cap on the bottle of bourbon. “You know, I’ve been thinking about drinking this for days. But I haven’t. I didn’t want to go back to that. But what’s the point? I don’t want to feel like this! I just want it to stop. Just for a while, and since you don’t want me...”
She shrugged and poured a shot, but her fingers trembled, and she made no move to lift it to her mouth. I scrambled to my feet and crossed the small living room, placing my hand over hers. She glared up at me, those brown eyes blazing, all sass and defiant, daring me to stop her.
And then her entire facade broke. Her face crumpled, her chin dropped to her chest, and a sob burst from her mouth.
I gathered her in my arms, tucking her head to my chest and cradling it with my hand as her misery poured from her. “Sshhhh,” I soothed, running my hand up and down her back over and over. Nothing I did helped, but she made no move to leave my arms, so I just kept doing what I was doing and pressed kisses to the top of her head.
Her slight frame shook with grief, and I lost track of how long we stood there like that, her tears soaking my chest. It could have been minutes; it could have been hours. But all I knew was there was nowhere else I wanted to be. No one else I wanted to be holding. This felt right. For the first time since I’d walked away from her, I was complete again.
The sobs became hiccups and not long after that, she became still and quiet, her breathing evening out. Her head became heavier on my chest, her knees buckling. I scooped her up in my arms, frowning when she weighed less than nothing. Had she lost weight? Her arms came around my neck and I carried her down the hall to her bedroom.
I laid her down, pulling the ruffled grey blanket from the end of the bed over her shoulders. She watched every move I made, her dark eyes following me around the room as I laid down facing her.
“Gemma’s still in the wheelchair,” she whispered softly.
“Your sister? How do you know?”
“I saw her. Bianca and I. When we were shopping last weekend.” She bit her lip and swallowed hard as her eyes filled with tears again. “If she was going to make a recovery, she would’ve done it by now. Her injuries must be permanent.” For a second, I thought she was going to burst into tears again. But she sucked in a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“Why her? It was me not paying attention. It’s my fault.” She took another shaky breath. “I’ve ruined her life.”
I sneaked a hand across the gap between us, and one by one entwined my fingers between hers. I squeezed them gently. “It was an accident; you know that. And how do you know you’ve ruined her life? Even in a wheelchair, people still have good lives.”
“It’s hardly the same as being able to walk.”
“No, it’s not. But I have some experience with long-term conditions that change your life forever. You can choose to be happy with the hand you’ve been dealt.”
I smiled at her softly, as her face paled.
“Shit, I didn’t mean…”
I pulled her blanket up around her shoulders, tucking it around her. “Ssssshhhh, I know. But my life isn’t over, and neither is hers. It was an accident. People make mistakes.”
I shifted on the bed and sighed. “Me especially. I made a huge mistake. I’m so sorry about the text message and for taking off. And everything else I put you through. I just had to be alone and work out what this all meant.”
She played with the fringe on the blanket. “Did you do that? Work it out, I mean? Where have you been?” The anger from earlier had evaporated, replaced by honest interest.
“At the clinic. The one in the brochure you left me.”
“Oh.” She looked down at our fingers still joined together. “I hoped that’s where you were. But then you were gone so long, I thought... Did it help?”
I reached out, tucking one finger beneath her chin and tilting her face so she had no choice but to look at me.
“I’ve done more counselling than any one person should ever have to do in a lifetime. But it helped. I learned. I talked.”
“So you’re good?”
I smiled for what felt like the first time in months. Maybe it was. “I’m good. But you aren’t and that breaks me.”
She looked away again, as if the truth of the situation hurt her further, and the smile fell from my face.
“I’ve lost them. I saw this Facebook post Gemma wrote, and I was stupid, but I thought that maybe it meant she was okay. I convinced myself that something had changed—that she’d had a successful surgery, or maybe the injury hadn’t been as serious as the doctors first thought. I read all these articles about injuries that looked serious early on but after a few weeks the patient regained feeling. And I let myself think I’d be able to go home. I was saving up to buy her a new horse, and then I was going to show up with it, and everything would just go back to the way it was. I’m such an idiot.”
“Don’t say that. You let yourself hope for the best outcome. There’s nothing wrong with that. What did your dad say when you saw him last week?” An inkling of anger began to rise in me. Her dad was a jackass for the way he’d treated her. He was no better than my mother. You didn’t treat your child that way, no matter what they’d done. I didn’t need to be a parent to figure that one out.
Reese shook her head. “I didn’t speak to them. I couldn’t. My feet were made of cement and I just stood there watching them, hiding behind some stupid pot plant.”
I frowned, taking a moment to think that through rationally. Maybe she couldn’t see the other side of this. Fuck. I didn’t have any right to waltz back into her life and start handing out advice like I was some sort of expert. But if I didn’t say it, who would? Reconciling with her family was the most important thing. Even if it meant the gap between us widened.
“Reese, look at me. If you didn’t talk to them, then you really don’t know how they feel. It’s been a long time. Things might be different now that everyone has had time to calm down and get used to the situation. You’ve been gone a whole year without a word. Maybe they’re worried about you. This is what I was trying to tell you months ago. You need to resolve this. Even if your father disowns you for good, don’t you want to at least find out for sure? Don’t you want the chance to talk to your sister? To your mother? This can’t have been easy for them either.”
She was quiet.
“Stop living in limbo. Positives only, right? Let’s go there. Right now. Let’s just leave and see what happens. You could have your family back by the end of the day.”
“Or I could have no one.”
“You won’t know unless you face it. And you’ll never have no one. You’ll have me. If you want me.” The words fell from my lips effortlessly, because it was nothing but pure honest truth. But those words terrified me. I was terrified she wouldn’t care I was trying to ask her for a future together.
“I don’t have you, Low. I don’t even know what this thing between us is.”
“You’ve always had me. And I know I fucked this up a hundred times over, but I’m here, trying again. And I’m going to keep on trying until you believe I’m in this for real this time. All you have to do is let me.”
A tear dropped from her eye, but the tiniest of smiles pulled at the corner of her mouth.
“You really want this?”
“I was always pl
anning to come back to you, Reese. I had to fix myself first, but I was always going to fight for us. I want this. I’m willing to beg for it.”
“I don’t think that will be necessary.” She smiled softly and everything within me exploded—lust, love, regret, fear, happiness, hope. And relief. A tidal wave of emotion.
“Fuck, I’ve missed you,” I growled as I pounced on her, fusing my mouth to hers and pushing her onto her back.
“I hated that you weren’t here. I’ve wanted to talk to you every day, and not being able to sucked,” she mumbled between kisses.
I dropped my lips to her again. “I know. I want you to choose me. The HIV will make even simple things harder for us, but I want to be selfish. The thought of you being with someone else fucking eats me inside. I’ll keep you safe, I swear it. I know I don’t deserve your trust yet, after the way I left, but I’m asking you for it anyway.”
Her warm breath misted over my lips. “I never doubted your ability to keep me safe. It was you who doubted yourself.”
I buried my face in her neck, loving the way I could feel every inch of her beneath me. I lifted my head and waited until her eyes met mine. And everything I loved about her was right there, staring back at me.
“I love you, Reese. I have for a long time, and I should have told you before this all happened, but I was an idiot and I was scared. I know you said it once, but you need time and—”
She pressed a finger to my lips. “I hoped every day that you were at that clinic, and that you’d come back when you were ready. I’m not saying a phone call wouldn’t have been nice.” She rolled her eyes. “But I get it. I did the same thing, so I can’t fault you for running when your back was against a wall. But my feelings for you didn’t just stop when you left. If anything, they only increased.”
“Yeah?” My spark of hope ignited into fireworks.
“Yeah.”
34
Reese
Low rolled over, putting space between us, lips swollen and eyes unfocussed from hours of kissing. Hours of kissing that easily could have led to more, but neither of us had pushed the boundaries. He’d seemed content to just hold me, and kiss, and whisper how much he loved me. It was enough for now. He’d said he wouldn’t leave again, but words were just words after all, and it would be a while before I fully trusted him again. He knew my feelings hadn’t changed in his absence, but something had stopped me from actually saying those three little words back to him. I felt them in my heart, but the words had never reached my lips.
“Let’s go now,” he said quietly.
I lifted my head to see if he was serious. “What? To my parents’ place? We can’t. You only just got back. It’s a twelve-hour drive.”
His lips brushed mine again, eliciting tingles that spread farther than just my mouth. “Don’t care. As much as I’m enjoying this, we can’t just lie here making out all day. You need this.”
“It doesn’t need to be today.”
He jumped off the bed and yanked the blanket off me. “Yeah, I think it does.”
“Hey!”
“Come on, I’ll drive. What do you need?” He opened my wardrobe door and rifled through it, looking for God only knew what.
I got up and shoved him aside, laughing. “Anyone ever tell you you’re bossy?”
He dropped a kiss on my cheek. “No more than you are. Pack some stuff. I’ll run home and get mine and meet you back here in an hour.”
My breath caught at the thought of him leaving again. It must have showed on my face, because he immediately pulled me into his arms again, hugging me close to him. When he pulled back, he ducked his head and cupped my chin, his ice blue gaze burning into mine.
“I’m coming back, baby. Every time. No more running, I promise. I know what I have here. What we have here. From now on, we only run to each other.”
I nodded, a bubble of happiness rising within me. I’d never heard him speak so surely and it made my heart swell.
He was back before I was even half ready. I’d procrastinated by wandering around my apartment, tidying up and delaying the inevitable. Twelve hours suddenly seemed like a quick trip around the block. I wasn’t ready for it. Just the thought of confronting my parents made me physically sick. My stomach was queasy and a fine sheen of sweat had broken out on my forehead. I wiped it away with the back of my hand.
And I stalled. “I still need to have a shower.”
Low nodded, settling himself down on the lounge. “Okay. I’ll still be here when you get back.”
A smile tugged at my lips. I loved seeing him there on my lounge again, like he’d never left. Every nerve in my body had come alive when I’d heard his voice through the door. He’d been pale with panic the last time I’d seen him, but now he looked tan and healthy, and…happy even. It made my heart full. He loved me. That part of me that was still upset with him buried itself a little deeper beneath my contentment and excitement over his return.
I dragged myself away from Low and into the bathroom, glancing in the mirror as I turned the taps on in the shower. Jesus. I looked like shit. Hours of crying over the last week had made my skin red and blotchy, and my cheeks looked hollow, thanks to the crash diet misery had forced on me. I was sure I didn’t smell that great either. And there was Low, out on my lounge, looking like a sex god. Damn him.
I let the water pound over me and waited until it turned cold before I stepped out and wrapped myself in a towel. When I looked in the mirror again I was marginally happier with the reflection staring back at me. At least I was clean and smelled good, even if I still looked like I’d been on a bender. I pulled on yoga pants and a long flowy top, aiming for cute but comfy, and when I left the bathroom, I looked almost like my regular self.
“I thought you’d gotten lost in there,” Low called when I stepped out of the bathroom, his eyes slowly travelling up and down my body. “You ready to go?” He stood and shouldered the bag I’d packed and left on the lounge.
“If I say no, can we just stay here and make out instead?”
He stepped closer and tilted my chin up. A chuckle rumbled through him, making my knees go weak. Happy, smiling Low was sexy.
“As tempting as that sounds, we’re going.” He leant down so his lips brushed my ear. “But don’t think I’m done kissing you. I don’t care who’s around, I’ve waited so long to be with you, I’m going to kiss you whenever and wherever I want. Including at your parents’ place.”
“No arguments here.”
His warm breath brushed over the sensitive skin of my neck. “There are other things I have planned too. Just so you know.” He stepped back and winked, seemingly oblivious to the shiver of anticipation that ran through me. My stomach flipped deliciously. I’d missed him.
The sun was low in the summer sky by the time we made it down to Low’s Ute, the interior of the cab still warm from the heat of the day. A wave of exhaustion hit me like a sledgehammer, and I laid my head on the window as Low pulled onto the road. It wasn’t late, barely 8:00 p.m., but I couldn’t remember the last time I’d had a full-night’s rest. I closed my eyes, letting the drone of the engine and Low’s warm hand covering mine lull me to sleep.
I woke up with a start, my head cracking painfully on the window before I realised where I was. Still in the car with Low. Driving to my parents’ place. Right. I rubbed my head.
“Shit, did that hurt?” Low handed me a bottle of water and I took a few sips as I peered out through the windscreen. “Good morning, by the way.”
The sun was just coming up over the horizon, and dirt roads lined with trees replaced the city streets we’d been on when I’d fallen asleep. “How long have I been asleep for? We’re only about twenty minutes from parents’ place!”
He looked over at the GPS, nestled in a phone cradle. “Twenty-three minutes according to this.”
“I’m surprised you even have phone reception out here.”
“Me too. I kept thinking I’d wake you when it cut out, but so far, so good. An
d it looks like your parents’ place is at the end of this road anyway.”
I gazed out through the dusty glass and nodded at the familiar stretch of road. I’d driven down this road a million times. “Yeah, it is.” I bit my lip and the water in my hand trembled. Low took it from me and I glanced at him gratefully.
“Nervous?”
“That obvious?”
“You just nearly spilt that water all over yourself, so yeah. Kind of.”
I shook my head. “I can’t believe you drove all night. You should have woken me.”
“You looked like you needed the sleep.”
“How tired are you right now, though?” I reached across the centre console and let my hand rest on the back of his neck, running my fingertips through the ends of his hair.
“A bit.” He tried to stifle a yawn and failed miserably.
More like a lot. I could tell just from looking at the dark circles under his eyes. He must have been awake for at least twenty-four hours now.
I raised a hand and pointed. “The turn off is just there.”
Low indicated and turned into the road that led to my parents’ place. It would have been funny if I hadn’t been so nervous. No one indicated out here; there was no need. It’s not like we had traffic lining up behind us. He’d been hanging out in the city too long.
We passed a few farmhouses before my childhood home came into view. It was about fifteen acres. Not a huge property but enough for my dad’s horse riding business and a few large plots of vegetables that never yielded anything much because we were all hopeless gardeners. There was no wraparound veranda like Low’s grandparents’ house. It was a simple, three-bedroom clad cottage, desperately in need of painting. But the flaking paint was one of the only things that still looked the same. A ramp replaced the front steps, and at the door sat a tiny wheelchair. I coughed, but it didn’t ease the tightness in my chest. Low pulled up next to a large white van that was also new. I wondered where my father’s four-wheel drive was. Maybe he wasn’t home.
