Now it was back.
She dropped her phone to prevent herself from calling her mother, picked up her keys, and drove into downtown. Kevin said he was working late. He said he wanted to be her person. If someone could talk her down and remind her why this weekend was important, it was him. That was what they were supposed to do for each other.
Her hands were still shaking as she pulled into the after-hours parking lot and grabbed a ticket. She didn’t even bother to look at the prices. Never in her life had she felt the need to see another human being as much as she did right now. She felt like she was going to fall apart even though she knew it was impossible.
The security guard checked her in as she passed through the metal detector and she went upstairs. When the doors swished open, she walked to Kevin’s office, but it was empty. Her chest felt hollow as it tightened again. She should’ve called first. She must’ve missed him. And she hadn’t even brought her phone to call him.
She struggled to breathe. A sound behind her caught her attention. She walked a few steps down the hall and then she heard his voice. Kevin. She almost bolted toward him, but he wasn’t alone. Through the glass of the conference room, she saw them together.
He was sitting with a blond woman, sharing a drink, laughing. The woman leaned forward and laid a hand on his arm.
Kathy flashed to a memory of five years ago. Her surprising Kevin when he said he had to work late. Him coming home with a blonde on his arm. Seemed as though Kevin had a type.
And it wasn’t her.
Kathy forced air into her lungs, past the tennis ball–sized lump lodged in her throat. She swallowed, despite the lack of spit in her mouth. Neither of them noticed her, so she did what she did best: she turned and left.
Chapter Eighteen
By the time Kathy hit the highway, she was crying so hard she could barely see. She pulled over onto the shoulder until the worst of it subsided. Since she didn’t have her phone, she decided to just drive to Moira’s house and prayed that her best friend would be home. And that Jimmy wouldn’t be. The last thing she needed was to see another O’Malley.
Rejoining traffic, Kathy focused on breathing steadily and not crashing. She cleared her mind of everything but flowers. She pictured images of daisies and orchids and lilies. Anything but people.
When she got to Moira’s street, she was relieved to see Moira’s car parked in front of the house. She parked behind Moira’s car and went to the front door. Moira answered, took one look at her, and asked, “What the hell happened?”
Kathy fell apart again because she didn’t know where to start. Moira pulled her into the house.
In between halting breaths, Kathy asked if Jimmy was there, and Moira told her he was with his dad.
Moira pulled her over to the couch, sat her down, and then disappeared to the kitchen. She reappeared a few minutes later with a glass of water and a bottle of whiskey. Kathy took the water with shaky hands. After a few sips, she explained about the phone call with her mom.
“Good for you,” Moira said. “It’s about time you stood up for yourself. It’s not okay for her to assume you’ll rearrange your life to suit her wants. Is this why you’re so upset? She’ll come around, sweetie. Damn, I’ve said worse to my mother without trying.”
Kathy shook her head. “No. I mean, yeah.” She took a deep breath, or at least tried to. “I wanted to call her back and apologize.”
“Oh no.”
“But I didn’t. I put my phone down and left. I wanted to see Kevin. He’s supposed to make me feel better, right?”
Moira nodded, but her face filled with worry.
Kathy swallowed and continued to explain what happened when she got downtown.
“You think he’s cheating?”
Kathy lifted a shoulder. “It was the same as five years ago. He told me he was working late. He wasn’t expecting me. I showed up and he was with a blonde, laughing and drinking.”
“Wait a minute. Didn’t you tell me that he didn’t cheat with that blonde five years ago?”
“So he said. But he didn’t say he didn’t cheat. Just not with her.” Kathy finished her water and opened the whiskey. She splashed some into her water glass.
“Were they doing anything inappropriate?”
“Like what?” She took a sip of whiskey. The liquid burned her already raw throat and splashed in her empty stomach. She immediately knew she’d regret the move.
“Touching, kissing, sitting too close?”
Kathy sat back and closed her eyes, picturing what she’d seen. “He was being Kevin. No closer than with anyone. The woman touched his arm while she laughed.”
“Babe. You were upset about your mom, and I think your emotions ran away. Sounds like you jumped to conclusions. Did they jump apart when they saw you? Anything suspicious?”
“They never saw me. I left.”
“Crap. Kathy, you can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Sabotaging everything. I’m not Kevin’s biggest fan. We all know this. But the man is trying. You completely cut him off at the knees.”
Kathy gulped the rest of her liquor. “I can’t help the way I reacted. It was a gut feeling. And you’re probably right. Maybe he wasn’t cheating or even thinking about it. But what does that say about us? It’s a pretty messed up relationship.” She poured another glass. “I think I’m spending the night. Is that okay?”
“Anytime.”
She didn’t want to think about what Moira had said out of fear that her friend was right. It was easier to believe that Kevin would screw up again, that he couldn’t be trusted. Another tear rolled down her cheek as she slugged back more whiskey. It didn’t matter that her heart knew the truth.
* * *
Early the next morning, Kathy was up and out the door of Moira’s house, leaving a brief thank-you note behind. Sleep had been mostly nonexistent last night and she felt no better about anything in her life. She had no deliveries this morning, but instead of indulging in a leisurely coffee and reading Facebook posts, Kathy decided a run was in order.
Since starting to date Kevin, she hadn’t been running nearly as regularly, mostly because if she was in bed with him, she had no desire to leave. The thought stuck in her tight throat. She needed to run to make sense of her feelings.
She left her music and earbuds in her apartment. Today she wanted to hear her thoughts with the city as her backdrop. After some quick stretches, she jogged slowly down the block. Her body was sluggish and her muscles tight, but she pushed forward.
For as long as she could remember, running offered her peace. Traffic swooshed by along Lawrence Avenue and she jogged around pedestrians shopping in the various stores. A bus rumbled, filling the air with black exhaust, so she turned the corner. Kids were already out, playing in front yards, enjoying the last few summer days before having to go back to school.
Kathy thought back to yesterday, and allowed all of the horrible emotions wash over her. She still hadn’t heard from her mother, which worried her. It wasn’t like she had spare family to run to. She picked up the pace.
Everything she’d said to her mom was right. Her weekend was more important than some party that she’d known nothing about. And thinking about her weekend made her think about Kevin. Her heart lurched.
Now that she was done crying, she processed what Moira had said. She pictured Kevin and the blonde in the conference room. She didn’t like the friendly way the woman had touched Kevin, but it hadn’t been sexual.
But Kathy despised her reaction more. She hated that the first thought she had was that Kevin would cheat.
Her head was all kinds of fucked up. How the hell had she thought she was ready for any real relationship, much less one with a man she didn’t trust? She’d thought she could do this, but she was failing miserably.
She punished her body by running harder and faster than she had since high school. She wanted to break everything down so she couldn’t feel anymore. She wasn�
��t done fixing herself, so she knew what had to be done.
It would mean more pain for both her and Kevin. But continuing on like this wasn’t any good for either of them.
Chapter Nineteen
Kevin sat hunched over his desk typing another memo. As different as this new job was, some things didn’t change at all. He couldn’t begin to count how many hours a day he spent at his computer typing and revising and e-mailing. But the rush to get his desk clear today would be worth it because this weekend, he would be free.
Just him and Kathy. A whole weekend where they had nothing to do but sleep, talk, fuck, and eat.
Well, maybe she might want to do some sightseeing or shopping or some other girly shit, and for her, he’d suck it up. As long as she remained naked in bed with him the rest of the time. Maybe they needed to write up a contract for how this weekend should go. He stared at the blinking cursor on the screen. He needed to focus on his job.
A soft knock had him looking up and when he saw Kathy standing in the doorway, he blinked, sure he was hallucinating. When she didn’t disappear, he stood. “Hey, what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you and it couldn’t wait.” She came into the room and closed the door behind her.
The serious look on her face scared him. In his gut, he knew he was losing his weekend with her. “What is it?”
She moved forward slowly and set his keys on his desk. “This isn’t working. Let me know what I owe you for the bed and breakfast. You probably won’t be able to get your deposit back.”
He stared at the keys for a full minute and processed what she said. Then it finally sank in. “You’re breaking up with me?”
She nodded and backed away.
“What the hell happened?” His voice was a little louder than he’d intended, but what the fuck had she expected?
Her eyes widened as she looked at him. “Look, I don’t want a scene. I promised you I wouldn’t just disappear like I did last time. So I’m saying good-bye.”
She reached for the door.
“That’s all I get? You swing by my office to be sure there won’t be a scene. You don’t offer me any explanation. Just drop my fucking key and say good-bye? What the hell is that?” He rounded his desk to stop her.
She spun before opening the door. “You said things were different and as much as we want them to be, they’re not.”
“What are you talking about?”
He watched as she took a deep, halting, shaky breath, sure she’d give him something, some information that he could refute. Instead she licked her lips and then pressed them together before speaking. “I wish you could understand how hard just doing this much was for me. Yes, it was a total cop-out to come while you were at work because I knew you wouldn’t cause a scene here, but I can’t do this. Please just let me go.”
Her eyes were so sad and scared, he couldn’t push her, no matter how much he wanted to. “I’ll call you later. This isn’t over.”
She opened the door. “Yes it is. It has to be.”
And she walked out.
Kevin stared after her for a long time and tried to figure out what he could’ve done to screw up. They’d texted yesterday before his meeting with Marnie. They hadn’t had any contact since then. He searched his brain and came up empty.
Then he went back to work. He accepted that maybe he’d lose part of his weekend away with Kathy, but this was a hiccup, a bump in the road. He’d figure out what had upset her and they’d fix it. She was overreacting to something simple. It had to be.
They weren’t over. No way.
It took all afternoon to write the few e-mails he had. His focus was all over the place. He couldn’t get Kathy’s eyes out of his head. He’d never seen them so completely despondent. As much as he wanted to dismiss what she’d said, he knew he couldn’t. When he left the office, he went straight to her apartment. No lights were on, but he rang anyway. Then he tried her phone. Voice mail.
“Kathy, we need to talk. I gave you the afternoon to calm down. Now I deserve an explanation. I’m at your place. Where are you?”
He went back and sat in his car and waited. He drove by the flower shop, saw that it was closed, lights off, and went back to her apartment. He called again. As the phone rang in his ear, he expected her voice mail again because she was clearly avoiding him and any confrontation.
“Stop calling me.”
“Wait.”
“What?”
He swallowed and his brain scrambled to figure out what to say. He hadn’t considered that she’d answer. “Please talk to me. We can fix this.”
“No, we can’t. It’s over.”
“You can’t just say that and not give me a reason or anything.”
“I did give you a reason. You weren’t listening. Good-bye, Kevin.” Then she disconnected.
As he drove to the store to grab some beer and a bottle of whiskey, he replayed the conversation in his office. As far as reasons went, what she’d offered was weak as fuck. What she’d said made no sense and now he was getting pissed off. He paid for his purchase and texted Jimmy to say he was on his way over to get drunk.
He’d followed his younger brothers’ advice to get the girl and it had seemed like it worked, but something had fallen apart. Maybe Jimmy had some words of wisdom. After parking near Jimmy’s house, he grabbed his liquor and went up the stairs. Jimmy met him at the front door.
“What happened?”
“I don’t even fucking know,” Kevin answered.
They went into the living room and sat on the couch. Kevin handed Jimmy a beer, and they both twisted the caps off the bottles. “Moira home?”
“Nope.”
Kevin downed half the bottle and prayed for clarity. “Things have been good, man. More than good. We were supposed to go away this weekend. We’ve been dealing with all of the shit from the past and handling it.” He gulped more. At least he’d thought they’d been handling it. “My hours at work have been rough, but even that, we’ve been dealing with.”
“So what happened?” As usual, Jimmy nursed his beer as he listened.
“She showed up at my office today, slapped my apartment keys on my desk, and said, ‘It’s over.’” He twisted the cap off the whiskey and drank straight from the bottle.
“Wait. What keys?” Jimmy scooted forward and braced his elbows on his knees. “You didn’t say it was so serious that you were swapping keys.”
Kevin finished his beer and opened another. “We didn’t swap. I gave her my keys to help her trust me. I wanted to prove to her that I have nothing to hide. I’m not bringing other chicks home to bang when I’m not with her, you know? She wasn’t ready to share keys because she didn’t trust me.”
He sank back on the couch cradling the whiskey in one arm. “I really thought I was earning that trust.”
“She was here last night. Moira said she was really upset.”
“Kathy was here?” He took another shot of whiskey.
“Yeah. Before I came home. By the time I got here, she was asleep on the couch. Moira didn’t give me the details, but she said Kathy was a mess and it was about you. I just figured you guys had a fight.”
“Nope. We don’t fight.” He took a swig.
“Everyone fights.”
Kevin shook his head. “Well, Kathy doesn’t fight. Ever. She gets upset and then she fucking runs away.”
The front door clicked and Moira came in. She took one look at Kevin and Jimmy and said, “Shit.”
“’Bout sums it up, babe,” Kevin said. “Can you give me the insight I’m missing? Kathy broke up with me and won’t tell me why.”
He popped the top on another beer. His third? He lost count. Didn’t matter. The alcohol was hitting his empty stomach hard.
Moira sighed and sat next to him on the couch. Weird. She never got within touching distance. Then she did the unthinkable: she placed a hand on his thigh. If he were sober, he’d crack a joke. Of course, Jimmy would beat his ass for that.
>
When Kevin looked at her, Moira’s face was filled with pity. Damn. This wasn’t going to be good.
“She saw you yesterday.”
“Saw me where?”
She took a deep breath. “She talked to her mom last night and was upset, and she came to see you at your office.”
“No, she didn’t.”
Moira stiffened and she arched an eyebrow. “Yes. She did.”
Kevin shook his head and it felt like his eyeballs were rolling around in his skull.
Moira nudged his leg. “She saw you with some blonde sharing a drink and laughing.”
“Huh?” He blinked slowly and deliberately. “Marnie? That’s the only blonde I was with yesterday. Kathy knew I was meeting with Marnie. I told her. I didn’t lie. It wasn’t secret.”
Moira held up her hands. “Look, as impossible as it seems, I defended you. Her emotions were raw. She was messed up from talking with her mom. You’ve never seen what that does to her, have you?”
He shook his head. “She told me about her parents. About her childhood, but she doesn’t say much.”
“They turn her inside out. And this was worse. She was coming to you for comfort, and she saw you with this Marnie person.”
“She’s a colleague!” Kevin stood and nearly dropped his bottle of whiskey. “For fuck’s sake.”
“What are you doing?”
“I didn’t fucking cheat on her. I wouldn’t do that!”
“You don’t need to yell at me. I told you, I defended you. I didn’t think you cheated on her. I just don’t think she was ready to hear it. She jumped to conclusions because she was upset.”
He set the alcohol on the table. He was done drinking. He needed to think. He needed a plan. “What the fuck do I do?”
“Sleep it off,” Jimmy said. “You can’t do a damn thing like this.”
“Always with the words of wisdom. Good thing you have Moira to do the talking for you.” Kevin sat back on the couch, which he needed because the room had begun to spin. Maybe Jimmy had a point. He looked at Moira.
“I don’t know, Kevin. I don’t know if there’s anything you can do.”
From Your Heart Page 21
