“Don’t say that. There’s gotta be something.” His throat closed and his eyes burned. No fucking way was he going out like this. Crying like a baby and giving up. He snatched the bottle of whiskey off the table and drank until the lump in his throat eased.
Jimmy stood and cleared the table. Moira took the bottle from Kevin’s hand. “This won’t fix it,” she said. “I’ll try talking to her again tomorrow. Get some sleep.”
He rested his head on the back of the couch. Moira got up and returned with a pillow and blanket.
He opened one eye and looked at her. “I’m sorry I was such an asshole to you when we were growing up. You know it was just because I liked you. You know that, right? Jimmy’s lucky to have you.”
“He sure the hell is,” Moira said.
Kevin sat for a while and thought about Kathy and everything they’d been fighting for. He’d sworn he wouldn’t hurt her again, and yet he knew that she was sitting at home hurting right now. He had to talk to her. He stood and the room was still spinning. Using the app on his phone, he called for a car.
Then he did what he learned to do as a teenager—he snuck out of the O’Malley house.
Chapter Twenty
Kathy sat in the dark in her apartment with nothing but the glow of her TV to keep her company. It wasn’t all that late, but she could hear the comings and goings of her neighbors as they enjoyed their weekend. She normally missed out on such things because she was usually in bed. Tonight, she knew she wouldn’t sleep.
She’d spent the entire day thinking about everything she’d seen, heard, and said. She’d let Moira’s words sink in and after a lot of debate, she realized that it didn’t matter if Kevin had cheated. The problem was with her. She automatically went there.
She might never trust Kevin.
Who wanted to be in a relationship like that?
A thump sounded at her door, startling her.
“Hey, Kathy, it’s me. Open up.”
It was Kevin, but it didn’t sound quite like him. She went to the door and peeked through the peephole. He leaned with his arms braced against the door frame.
“Open up. I know you’re in there.” He lifted his head and looked at the closed door.
She realized then that he sounded funny because he was drunk.
He thunked his head against the door. “Please open the door. I need to see you. I need to explain.”
“There’s nothing to explain,” she said through the closed door.
“I won’t come in. I won’t even ask to. Please just let me talk to you. See your face.”
As much as she didn’t want to open the door, part of her wanted nothing more than to be in his arms, so looking at his face seemed to be a fair compromise. She unlocked the door and cracked it open. “How did you get in the building?”
“Mrs. Thomas let me in. I think she likes me.” He gave her a smile that broke her heart even more because Kathy liked him too.
“Moira told me you came to the office yesterday.”
She closed her eyes because there was so much about yesterday she wished she could forget.
“You should’ve come all the way into the office. I would’ve introduced you to Marnie.” He stepped closer and raised his hand as if to touch her. “There’s nothing going on with me and Marnie. I don’t want her. I only want you.”
God, she wanted to believe that. She wanted to wrap herself up in those words and live in them forever.
“I told you that this is what I want.” He waved a hand between them. “It’s not a game for me. I’m not fucking around.” As he spoke, his voice got louder, but she was pretty sure he was unaware.
“I know.”
His shoulders sagged. “If you know I’m not fucking around, then why the hell am I standing in the hall instead of lying in your bed? We can still have our weekend.” He moved closer still like he wanted to come in.
Kathy pulled the door close and held up a hand. “We’re not getting back together.”
“What?”
“This can’t work, Kevin. It’s not just about you.”
“Don’t fucking give me the it’s-not-you-it’s-me speech. Fuck that.”
“This isn’t a clichéd speech. Don’t you get it? I saw you with another woman, and I immediately assumed you were cheating on me. That was my first thought. No matter how much we think we can make this work, it’s not. What I said earlier stands. Good-bye.” She slipped behind the door and closed it.
She squeezed her eyes shut as she flipped the lock.
“You said you were in this. Whatever it takes. That’s what you said.”
She pressed her forehead and her palm against the cool wood. A tear trekked down her cheek. “I was wrong,” she whispered. “I’m not strong enough.”
Another thump against the door startled her. “I’m not leaving, Kathy. I’m not giving up.”
She heard him slide down the door. He couldn’t stay there, and she knew he would. Stepping away from the door, she turned off her TV, grabbed her phone, and closed herself into the dark of her bedroom. Then she dialed Moira.
“Hello?” Moira asked groggily.
“I’m sorry to wake you, but I didn’t know who else to call.”
“Kathy?”
“Yeah. Kevin is here and he’s drunk. He’s sitting in the hallway of my apartment building refusing to leave. I’m afraid one of my neighbors will call the police.”
“He’s what? Hold on. Jimmy. Get up. Kevin left.”
Kathy heard movement on the other end and waited patiently. Mumbling was quickly followed by a loud stream of curses by Jimmy. Then Moira returned. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. He’s been in the hall the whole time.”
“I’m sorry. We thought he went to sleep.”
“He was there?”
“Of course. He came here to get drunk after your broke up with him. He’s heartbroken, Kath.”
He wasn’t the only one.
“Jimmy’s getting dressed now. He’ll come get him.”
“Thanks.”
“Are you sure you’re okay?”
“I will be. I hope.”
“I think you should step back and reconsider. He really loves you.”
There was that word again. Love. Love wasn’t enough, no matter what people said or what everyone was taught as a child. “I know. I’ll talk to you later.”
Kathy disconnected, powered off her phone, and pulled the blanket over her head. She didn’t want to hear Jimmy’s arrival or the fight that would surely follow.
* * *
Kevin pulled his knees to his chest and rested his forehead on them. At some point Kathy would come to her senses and open the door to let him in. Even if it was just because she felt sorry for him or because she was embarrassed that he was sitting in her hallway drunk, she’d let him in. Then he could really talk to her and make her understand.
They were supposed to be together. They loved each other. He knew it. Why didn’t she? You don’t fucking walk away from something like that because it got hard.
He heard the exterior door open and close with people coming and going to enjoy their weekend. He should be enjoying his, not sitting drunk on a stinky carpet.
Suddenly a shadow loomed over him. “What the hell is it about the O’Malley boys needing to be drunk and stupid over a broken heart?”
Fucking Jimmy.
Kevin looked up at his big brother. The man who always had his life together, who always knew what he wanted and got it. The guy who never fucked up. Jimmy crossed his arms over his broad chest.
“How did you get here?”
“Don’t worry. Didn’t drive. Called a car.”
“Good to know there’s still a little brain function in there.” He held out a hand. “Let’s go.”
Kevin shook his head. “Not leaving.”
“You can’t stay. She doesn’t want you here.”
“She’ll come around.”
“Even if she does, it won’t happ
en tonight. Not like this.”
Kevin put his head back on his knees and curled his hands on the back of his head. He didn’t want to hear this.
Jimmy sat on the floor beside him. “What did she say?” he asked.
“She knows I didn’t cheat on her. But that’s not enough. She’s so afraid I will that she’s quitting.”
“Damn.”
“As soon as things get hard she runs away. She won’t stay and fight.”
“Maybe that’s a sign, man.”
“I can’t give up.”
“You can’t make her want this either.”
His stomach roiled with the alcohol and stress. “She does want it. She just doesn’t know how to do it. She’s scared.”
“Everyone’s scared. Sitting in front of her door won’t change that. It’ll only make things worse. How did you think this would fix anything?”
“Moira said Kathy saw me with Marnie. I had to tell her I didn’t cheat. I wouldn’t do that to her. I promised her I wouldn’t hurt her again. I had to tell her.”
“And you told her.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“Come on.” Jimmy stood and grabbed Kevin’s arm to haul him off the floor. “You need to sleep it off and come up with a better plan. This just makes you look pathetic.”
“I am pathetic. I love her.” He stumbled as he followed Jimmy down the hall.
“I know.” He held Kevin’s shoulders to keep him steady. “Does she know?”
“I keep telling her. Don’t know if she believes me.”
Jimmy pushed the door open and a blast of night air hit them. Kevin’s stomach was still churning, and he paused next to the car.
“If you’re gonna be sick, do it before you get in.”
“I’m not gonna be sick. I’m fine.” He turned to tell his brother to stop being an asshole, but the sudden movement was just enough to disturb his stomach the wrong way, and all the alcohol made a trip up his throat. The whiskey was definitely worse coming up than it was going down.
“Fuck,” Jimmy said. Although he’d jumped out of the way, puke had splashed on his shoes.
Kevin held on to the front of the car until the vomiting passed and his stomach stopped clenching. Jimmy returned and handed him a bottle of water. “Here.”
Always prepared. Always perfect.
“You’re a fucking asshole. You know that?”
“Me? I just handed you a bottle of water so you don’t dehydrate. How does that make me an asshole?”
Kevin swished water through his mouth and spit. Then he took a drink. “You never fuck up. You do everything right. You’re always there to catch us when we screw up.”
“I’m your brother. It’s my job to be here. Drink the water.”
Kevin did as he was told.
“Better?”
“Fine.”
Jimmy opened the door for him and then got behind the wheel. “For the record, I’ve done my share of screwing up. I’m not perfect. I look at you guys—you, Sean, Tommy, and Norah—and I think I messed up pretty bad. You guys don’t know how to have normal relationships and that’s probably my fault. I wish I knew how to help you fix this, but I don’t.”
“Take another look at them. They all figured it out. They’re happy. It might’ve been rough, but they found someone to love who loves them. What more could you want?”
“Nothing.” Jimmy started the car. “Does she love you?”
“She hasn’t said it, but she does. I know she does.” He leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window and let his big brother drive him home.
Chapter Twenty-One
It had taken all of Kathy’s willpower not to sit by her door to listen to Jimmy and Kevin talk. She’d known the minute Jimmy had gotten there because she’d had to buzz him in. Their deep voices murmured through the door for a while, but she couldn’t make out the words. She tried to convince herself that whatever they said didn’t matter. Kevin didn’t matter because they were over.
But she had never been very good at lying to herself.
Instead, she left through her back door to go to the flower shop and work on the centerpieces she’d promised her mother for the engagement party. Even though her mother had hung up on her, Kathy knew she would still expect to be able to pick up the flowers. Darcy Hendricks was not the kind of woman who made a promise and then didn’t deliver. It would make her look bad to the rest of the family.
Kathy worked by the glow of a couple of low lights. She laughed at her thoughts. She’d never cared much about what her family had thought about her. She’d only gone to family events because her mother expected her to. At this moment, she began to question all of the expectations. Kathy always did what was expected of her. Even now, making these centerpieces for a cousin she didn’t like.
She stared at the sprig of baby’s breath in her hand. Why was she doing this? Her mother had hung up on her and hadn’t attempted to contact her since.
With the finishing touches on the centerpieces, she stood back and admired her work. They were simple, but pretty. Then she decided it was time for a dose of reality. She came here to avoid Kevin. Her therapist would say that she worked on the centerpieces to avoid thinking about how hurt she was. She was devastated.
Fighting with her mother scared her. Seeing Kevin with another woman freaked her out and triggered irrational thoughts. And now she was paying the price for all of it. She sank into the chair in her office and cried. She allowed herself to feel everything she’d been avoiding, the deep hurt and anger and confusion. All of it hit her and she was miserable.
At some point she’d fallen asleep with her head on her desk. She heard movement in the store and she checked her phone. Anna was right on time to open. Kathy scrubbed her hands over her face, knowing there was no disguising the fact she’d been crying or that she’d slept in the office.
“Hey, Anna,” she called from the office door so she wouldn’t scare her.
“What are you doing here? I thought you were heading for your weekend away.”
As if she needed the reminder of where she was supposed to be. “I came in last night to work on those centerpieces for my mom in case she decides to come in to get them. I don’t even know for sure if she will.”
“Are you okay?”
“I’ll be fine. Give me a call if you have any problems.”
“I won’t be calling. Enjoy your weekend.”
Kathy just nodded and left. When she got home, she crawled into bed and cried some more. She cried thinking about Kevin. She wanted to call him and apologize, but she wasn’t even sure what she should apologize for. A litany of reasons entered her head: jumping to conclusions about him, not trusting him when he’d worked so hard to gain her trust, not talking to him when he’d asked, breaking his heart, not telling him she loved him. That last one was probably the worst of it. If she had told him, how would that have changed things?
It wouldn’t have, not really. Another round of tears flooded her face. She loved him but she didn’t know how to trust him. She didn’t trust anyone easily. Hell, maybe she didn’t really know how to love him either. What did she have for a role model?
Thinking of her parents made her feel even worse because she couldn’t pick up the phone to ask her mom what she’d thought. Although they weren’t close friends, Kathy would normally talk to her mom about the man in her life. Kathy sometimes asked her mom’s opinion or advice on things. Rarely did she follow the advice, but she at least talked to her. Now she had no one.
She must’ve dozed off again because the ringing of her phone startled her. When she saw her mom’s name on the screen, her heart raced. “Hi, Mom.”
“It’s one o’clock. Will you be here at three with the centerpieces?”
Oh my God. I can’t believe her. Kathy’s heart cracked again. “No, Mom. I’m not. I’m not going to Christy’s stupid party. First of all, I’ve never liked Christy. She treats me like crap. Second, I wasn’t invited, you were. Third,
I told you I had plans this weekend. They were plans with my boyfriend. We were supposed to go away for the weekend. But now we’re not because I broke up with him. I’m lying in bed right now crying my eyes out because I broke up with a man I loved. I don’t give a fuck that Christy’s getting married.”
Silence met her and Kathy was sure that her mother had hung up again, but then she heard her breathing. So Kathy kept going. “You never asked, Mom. You never asked why I didn’t want to go. I’m upset right now, but you wouldn’t have asked why. It’s like my feelings don’t matter. I made the centerpieces. You can pick them up at the shop. Anna will give them to you.”
Then she hung up on her mother. And it felt freeing. It didn’t matter if her mother called back, Kathy would survive. She took a deep, albeit shaky, breath. She could picture her mother staring at the phone in disbelief.
The thought made Kathy smile. She texted Moira to tell her she’d just hung up on her mother. If anyone would cheer for her over that, it would be Moira.
Sure enough, seconds later, she had a string of emojis filling her screen.
She dragged herself out of bed and took her tube of cookie dough out of the refrigerator. Sitting on the couch, she ate the raw dough with a spoon, seeking some comfort. All of her insides felt twisted and tangled. All she’d ever wanted in life was a simple, easy relationship, someone to love and come home to every day. A man to share her life with.
She didn’t know why it had to be hard. Love wasn’t supposed to be hard, was it? Moira and Jimmy didn’t make it look hard. Neither did any of the O’Learys now that she thought about it. They might not have perfect relationships, but she couldn’t remember Moira ever talking about any of them feeling like she did right now.
Kathy chewed on some dough. There were a couple of weeks where Jimmy avoided Moira because she wasn’t quite the woman he thought he wanted, but he came around pretty quickly. Maybe for someone looking in from the outside it never looked that hard, but when you’re the one in the middle of it, it sucks.
Her doorbell rang, pulling her from her thoughts. She glanced down at her messy clothes and shrugged. If someone wanted to show up uninvited and without warning, she wasn’t about to dress up. She opened the door and was surprised to see her mother standing there.
From Your Heart Page 22
