The Lying, the Witch, and the Werewolf (Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services Book 4)

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  “No,” I cry out, but it’s too late. He bites, his fangs tearing open my flesh. My blood sprays out, coating Liam’s face as he releases me. Smiling he leans in and licks the blood. His long tongue flicks out once, then again, and again. Weak, I try to push him away.

  “No,” I say. “No.” But he keeps licking and now he’s whining too. Loud and insistent—

  I blink my eyes open. Shit’s big wet tongue laps my face, trying to pull me out of my nightmare.

  Wrapping my arms around his oversized noggin, I pull him in for a hug. “Good boy, Shit.”

  He burrows in closer to me as I try to shake off the remains of the dream. This actually wasn’t even the worst version of it. In some of them Liam turns out to be VSK and laughs at me for not realizing it, as he bathes in my blood.

  Shit suddenly leaps from the bed and goes to my bedroom door.

  “No,” I tell him. “Sleep time.”

  He whines and scratches at the door. Knowing he won’t give in when he’s in one of these moods.

  “Don’t destroy anything,” I tell him, “And be…”

  Shit bursts out of the door, barking at the top of his lungs.

  “Quiet.”

  I sigh and climb into bed, leaving the door open so Shit can join me when he’s done chasing shadows. Despite my best efforts I toss and turn, unable to fall back to sleep.

  Eventually Shit returns, his feet loud as he bounds up the attic stairs. Using his panther stealth, he burrows under the covers, stretching out so that his back is pressed to my side. With a soft sigh, I throw an arm around him and force my eyes to close once more.

  The rest of my night is dreamless, but the cobwebs of the earlier dream still cling when I wake again. As soon as I sit up, Shit jumps off the bed and goes to the door.

  “Okay, I get it,” I grumble. “You gotta go.”

  I follow behind Shit as he gallops down the hall and then take the stairs in mighty leaps. I only have the two legs instead of the four so by the time I reach the front door Shit is already sitting beside it with a look that clearly says, What took you so long, biped?

  “All right, boy,” I throw open the door and Shit streaks out. Rubbing my eyes, I step onto the porch and take a deep, bracing breath of the cool morning air. It’s enough to melt away the last of my nightmare. The tension slides from my shoulders as I take in the beautiful day around me and—

  YOUR MINE PAIGE

  The words are written on my porch floorboards in bright red that I’m pretty sure isn’t paint.

  Hand to my chest, I stumble back, my heart racing.

  “Shit!” I scream, panicked, certain that VSK has him. “SHIT!”

  He comes bounding out of the underbrush near the porch. Grabbing his collar, I drag him into the house and then slam and lock the door behind us and lean against it.

  Head swimming and gasping for breath, I slide to the floor.

  “Honey, what’s wrong?” Darron is beside me, his hands grabbing both of mine. Shit’s nose nudges the back of my neck, and then Shauna is there too, her arms wrapped around me too tight and also somehow just right.

  Surrounded on all sides by love and support, I manage to drag air into my lungs. In then out. In then out. The swimmy feeling in my head fades away.

  “Paige, what happened?” Shauna asks, still holding me tight.

  “VSK,” I manage to say. “He left a message for me on the porch.”

  “Oh no,” Darron says. “More dead bodies?”

  I shake my head. “I didn’t see any. But there’s blood.”

  “Whose blood?” Darron asks.

  “I’ll look,” Shauna shifts into her smaller pixie form, flashes her vampire fangs, and is outside in a flash of her cotton candy pink hair.

  She’s back in thirty seconds. “No body or body parts, just the message.”

  As far as VSK’s gifts go this one is the mildest one yet. But the fact that he was able to get so close yet again has me in a full-on panic.

  “What does it say,” Darron asks.

  “You’re mine Paige, and he used the wrong your and also didn’t put in a comma…” I babble.

  “That monster!” Shauna gasps, busting back to her human size.

  Darron shushes her. “Look, this is all old hat. We’ll call your cop friend and gather the evidence. I might as well apply to become a crime scene investigator at this point,” Darron quips.

  I know they’re trying to snap me out of my shock, and it’s starting to work. “Oh no, I can’t go undercover,” I say. “I can’t leave you guys here alone with VSK active again. Especially not with Shauna being a vampire!”

  “Um, hello,” Shauna says, finally pulling back from me. “I’m an ass-kicking name taking pixie vamp hybrid. The next time that shithead comes anywhere near here I’m gonna rip the skin off his dick and make it into a pair of gloves.”

  “How big is his dick?” I ask despite myself and Darron barks out a laugh.

  Shauna is still going. though. “Then I’m gonna put those dick-skin gloves on and punch him in the face until there’s just a crater left.” Looking to Darron, Shauna asks, “The gloves are a nice touch, right?”

  “Beautiful,” Darron assures her and then to me explains, “I’ve been instructing Shauna on the importance of accessorizing.”

  A hysterical little giggle bursts from my lips. “Of course you have.”

  Darron and Shauna exchange looks of concern.

  “You are definitely going to that cult today,” Shauna says.

  “As terrible as it sounds, I also think you should go join that cult,” Darron agrees. “I’m less afraid of VSK than I am of you choosing to never leave the house again because some whack job did a number on your head.”

  “Yep,” Shauna says, arms crossed. “Nobody tells Paige Harper what to do except Paige Harper. And also me, whenever I’m right about something.”

  “Which is?” Darron inquires.

  “All the time,” she says, then quickly adding, “except for last night, when I was a bitch to you. Sorry about that.”

  “It’s okay,” Darron says. “My date was not really into the whole girls who are boys who are girls thing. I think what I really needed was to get my feet wet again and now that I’ve done that, next time it will be easier. But in the meantime, I’m tempted to join the sex cult with you, Paige,” he finishes. “I mean, why the hell didn’t you leave yesterday?”

  “Because Nico is my ride,” I admit, with one hand over my face.

  “Wooooahhhh, hot werewolf chauffer taking you to the sex cult,” Shauna says, starting to wiggle her ass. She stops very suddenly, “Yeah, seriously? Why are you still here?”

  “All right,” I say, climbing to my feet with Shit in my arms. “But I’m gonna check in every day.”

  “Hells yes,” Darron says. “We’re gonna need all the dirty sex cult details. It’s not like anyone here is getting any.”

  “Actually, won’t be able to talk every day,” Shauna tells us. “They don’t allow cell phones or electronic devices. They might have a landline? People definitely say that they have talked to members on the phone. My research was iffy on the protocol and donuts to dollars that line is bugged. Which reminds me, the cult forbids any “mutilation of the sexual organs” of Dalmanthers. So Shit here might even get lucky and spawn a litter of little Shits. What do you think, boy? Wanna get laid?”

  Shit woofs in response, and something falls out of his mouth, landing on the floor between my feet with a wet smack.

  “Oh crap,” I say. “I just remembered—Shit was freaking out last night, he must’ve known VSK was here.”

  “Finally we found a use for that beast,” Darron quips. “He must’ve scared VSK into dropping...whatever that thing is?”

  Shauna blinks and leans in closer. “Is that the dick-skin glove?”

  “No, Shauna, that’s not a thing.” I inch closer. “Can we please stop talking about dicks for five seconds?” I kick the object gingerly. “But it is a glove.” I hol
d up my hand to Shauna before she can ask again if it’s dick-skin. “It’s one of those driving gloves.”

  And it’s covered in brown-red stains.

  “Guys,” I say, “I think VSK finally screwed up.”

  7

  Once I realize I have actual, tangible evidence that might help catch VSK, I immediately call McGinnis. He agrees to briefly meet me at the coffee shop down the street so I can give him the glove—which we both hoped might have some fingerprints—and show him the pic I snapped of VSK’s message before I scrubbed it away.

  I also take a sample of the blood left on the porch in case it is different from one on the glove. Everything is safe and secure in Ziploc baggies. After all I’ve experienced this year, I’m not messing around.

  Shauna tells me more about the cult and informs me about the bohemian dress style of the cult members so after a quick stop at the thrift store I am dressed hippy chic. I feel naked without a pair of tight shorts on, but the skirt is breezy and makes me feel kind of loosey goosey, which is probably exactly what I need to emulate the Together We Come lifestyle.

  After we go shopping, Shauna drops me and Shit off at the office, along with my bags. I’m leaving Vanna with her so she can cover my cleaning jobs until I return. I pushed everything I could and for those few jobs that couldn’t change dates, well...I just hope she doesn’t make a bigger mess. It’s about a fifty-fifty chance these days. Maybe her newfound clean lifestyle and togetherness will surprise me. Or maybe I’ll return to find that I have no more clients and just as many unpaid bills as I did when I left.

  In the office, I find Hepa and Nico with their heads together. After she did such a great job updating my systems, I’ve been bugging Nico to hire her too. But he’s been resistant. Maybe having his computer blow out yesterday changed his mind.

  “Paige, you’re early,” he says. Catching sight of Shit, he adds, “You’re not bringing your pet.”

  “Are you going to watch him while I’m gone?” I counter.

  “I can’t,” Nico answers. “I have a lot going on right now. Can’t Shauna or Darron watch him?”

  “They also have a lot going on. Plus, Dalmanthers are, like, this cult’s spirit animal or whatever,” I tell him. “Shauna had to tell me that, even though you promised you’d do the prep work.”

  He considers. “I just don’t want you to have any distractions,” he tells me with a shrug. “I need you focused and available.”

  “I will be one hundred percent on task,” I assure him as Shit lays across my feet in the most adorable way. “That’s wight,” I baby talk, leaning down to scratch behind his ear. “Nuffin is going to distwact mamma, is it?”

  Shit stands up on his hind legs and I notice he has a little red rocket, or is “showing me his lipstick” as Shauna always says. “Dude. Now is not the time,” I tell him.

  Nico and Hepa look over and Nico laughs. Hepa rolls her eyes.

  “Put it away,” Hepa says, waving her hand. Shit’s exposed member shoots back into its sheath so fast it’s audible, and he rolls onto his feet, alarmed.

  “Holy shit,” I say, staring at Hepa’s hand. “You’re going to have to teach me that one. It might be useful in the sex cult.”

  Hepa shakes her head. “Sorry, witches only.”

  “Speaking of which,” Nico adds. “I brought Hepa in to give us a hand with communication.”

  “That was the lowest of low-hanging fruit puns,” I say, but then laugh anyway, because puns are my kryptonite. “So wait,” I add, “Hepa isn’t here to help upgrade your old timey computer?”

  “Nah,” Nico gives the old processor a pat. “It just needed a little cool down.”

  I roll my eyes but don’t argue.

  “You look good,” Nico tells me, sizing me up in my boho clothes. “You read the research I sent you?”

  My eyebrows furrow. “I didn’t get an email.”

  “I didn’t send an email, I left a packet on your front porch.”

  What is this? The olden days? “I didn’t see it—” Aw, crap. I suddenly have a pretty good idea of where that packet went. “VSK visited me again last night,” I tell Nico. “Wrote a message in blood on my porch. I think he took your packet too.”

  Nico stares at me, then at Shit and back to me again. “You have the best guard dog in existence. How did that asshole even get near your house without Shit tearing him to pieces?”

  “Shit was sleeping with me in my bed,” I tell Nico.

  His eyebrows go up. “Oh yeah? When I was helping to guard your house, you offered me the couch.”

  I smile sweetly. “Well, Shit’s a very good good boy.”

  Nico grins back at me. “I’ve been told I’m very good as well.”

  “Yeah, yeah,” Hepa interrupts, “We’ve all read your Yelp reviews. Very thorough. Satisfaction guaranteed.”

  I snicker, but then remembering VSK, quickly sober. “What was in that packet? I really don’t want him hunting me down at this cult.”

  “It was just general information about the cult,” Nico assures me. “Nothing that says you’re going there or will be undercover. It’d be a pretty big leap for him to guess that on his own.”

  That’s true. I take a deep breath, feeling a little bit better. I gotta stop letting VSK get into my head like this.

  “Okay,” I say. “So about that missing information...Shauna told me a few things. Maybe we can go over everything else in the car? I left my gun at home.” That was hard, I carry it almost everywhere, but there’s no way I could sneak it in. “I know I’ll have to leave my cell phone with you.”

  “Yeah, they don’t allow any personal phones on the premises,” Hepa tells me. “And they’re serious about it. They go through your bags and confiscate anything that might be used to communicate with the outside world.”

  “How cultish of them,” I say.

  “That stops here,” Nico tells me. “No Together We Come acolyte would call them a cult. Their philosophy is a movement. Their compound is a commune.”

  “Got it,” I nod. Commune. Philosophy. Movement.

  Hepa walks to my suitcase and without asking unzips it and starts rifling through it. “What is all this shit?” she asks. As she pushes my clothes aside, I can see her hand is about to close around the Thunderstick. Yes, I brought it. I’m going to a sex cult and I’m gonna get some—even if it’s only from myself.

  But that doesn’t mean I want my Thunderstick waved around in front of Nico’s face again. Not when the humiliation from the first time is still fresh.

  “Hey, you’re getting my clothes messed up,” I object, which is true. I use a special fold and roll packing technique that Hepa has pretty much destroyed. Dropping to the floor beside her, I toss some shirts over the Thunderstick and pick up the whole bundle so the vibrator is hidden between the fabric.

  “Aren’t you only going for two days?” Hepa asks. “You have five different shirts here.”

  “I’m sorry if I never packed for a cult getaway before!” I tell her. Nico clears his throat. “A Together We Come spiritual retreat,” I correct. Hepa ignores me and continues to rifle. “Do you mind?”

  Hepa sighs and then gives me one of her looks. Hepa is the type of person who doesn’t suffer fools gladly—and she thinks pretty much everyone is a fool.

  “Do you want my help or not?” she asks.

  “Yes please,” I say, chastised.

  “Good. Then I’m going to offer you some magic options in case you discover that your cult is more sinister than sexy.”

  I wave a hand at her. “Knock yourself out. But it’s not a cult. It’s a social movement.”

  Nico nods approvingly while Hepa rolls her eyes. “I’m not the one going in to drink the Kool-Aid. That place is a cult.”

  She continues to go through my stuff, and a moment later Hepa pulls my toothbrush from my makeup bag. “A cult where you’re not going to need this,” she says, tossing it into the trash can.

  ”Hey!” I shout, fighting the ur
ge to dive after it. “I most absolutely will need a toothbrush in a sex cult!”

  “Not that one,” Hepa says, shaking her head and pulling a different toothbrush from her pocket. “But this one will work just fine.”

  “Why that one?” I ask, suspicious.

  “Communication spells only work on objects made of bone,” Hepa explains to me, as if it were something I should already know.

  “And where did you get a toothbrush made out of bone?”

  “Well…” For the first time Hepa shows what I can only think of as guilt. “I may have made this one.”

  “Out of what kind of bone?” I ask, my eyes narrowing further.

  “Um…” she glances at it, then back at me. “What kind of bone are you most comfortable putting in your mouth?”

  Nico snort laughs, and I swipe the toothbrush out of Hepa’s hand. “You know what, never mind. How does this thing work?”

  “You talk into this end,” Hepa says, helpfully holding it up to the side of her face, the bristles near her lips. “And you’ll be able to hear Nico through this end,” she explains, tapping the handle, near her ear.

  “Okay, so, like a telephone?” I offer.

  “I mean, yeah, if you want to compare ancient magic to human technology,” Hepa huffs, tossing the toothbrush into my bag.

  “Does it have extra whitening power now?” I ask.

  “I’m not a dental witch,” Hepa sneers, leaving me wondering if this is a real thing.

  “Show her what else you got,” Nico says to Hepa.

  Hepa glares at him. She is not a Nico fan. On her first visit to the office I discovered that she and Nico went to school together at Mount Olympus Academy. I guess it was a pretty small school—everyone knew each other. But Hepa and Nico were definitely not friends. Curious, I asked for details but both of them said it was a long story. Like, novel length long.

  Eventually Hepa told me that she didn’t really have anything against Nico in particular, but that she just hates all shifter men on principle. When I pushed for more details all she would say was, “Broken heart,” before stonewalling me again. Seems like maybe Hepa hasn’t always been so emotionally shut down, but I have a hard time imagining the shifter that scaled that wall.