The Lying, the Witch, and the Werewolf (Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services Book 4)

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  It doesn’t help when they all cheer out in unison, “Where comes one, so come we all!”

  The good feeling I had earlier is quickly evaporating. Vicky is nowhere to be seen and Adorra had smacked that chocolate out of my hand like I was a baby holding a butane torch. And I most definitely heard Kama tell her dead Dalmanther that she’d forgotten about the plan. Any commune with a plan, missing members, and secret chocolate distribution is getting a stink-eye from Paige Harper.

  “What plan?” I ask Adorra. “I’d love to help. I have great organizational skills. Can I add that to the board somewhere?”

  Something flickers across her face that I can’t quite read and then her usual serene smile takes its place. “It’s a special undertaking for our full-fledged members. We don’t mention it to the trial members. We want them joining for the right reasons; because they share our mindset. When you become part of Together We Come it’s because you believe in the entire experience and community.”

  It’s a good answer and it makes sense. But I’m almost positive it’s bullshit.

  I don’t see any reason to let Adorra know that I’m suspicious. So I just smile and say, “When’s dinner? I’m starving. And I’m going to need some protein to burn!”

  I have free time before dinner so I head back to my yurt. I have to skirt around a game of naked volleyball and a circle jerk under a lovely grove of trees.

  Inside, I grab out my magical walkie talkie toothbrush and give it a shake. Sitting on the cot, I put the handle end of the toothbrush to my mouth and whisper, “Nico!”

  There’s a second where I feel like a total idiot, sitting there with a toothbrush to my face but finally Nico responds. His voice is really low, though, and not in his usually growly sex-inferring way.

  “I can’t hear you. There must be terrible reception here,” I tell him before realizing what a stupid thing that is to say. It’s not a cell phone. It’s a magical item.

  When Nico’s voice returns he’s shouting so I can just make out him saying, “You’re holding it upside down, Paige.”

  I sigh. I’m never going to hear the end of this. I flip the toothbrush over so the bristles are at my mouth. “What was that?”

  “You’ve found which way is up,” he says, his amused voice grating on my every nerve. “That’ll come in useful in a sex cult.”

  “You’re coming through now,” I tell him. “Loud and clear and loutish. Must have been interference with the...ley lines...whatever. Hey, has Shauna run my business into the ground yet?”

  “You’ve been gone four hours,” he tells me. “Even Shauna can’t manage that. How are things there?”

  “No sign of Vicky Bennet yet. This place seems fine on the surface, but something is definitely up. Hey, do you know a seer named Cassie?”

  “Cassie is there?” his voice spikes upward with excitement and I feel a brief twinge in my gut. I’d swear it’s jealousy, but of course it can’t be. I won’t allow it to be. “Cassie is too good for this world,” Nico goes on. “We spent a few months together in a monster prison.”

  “You went to prison?” I ask, although it’s not that surprising. “Wait, Cassie went to prison?”

  “Not really, it was more of a dungeon. She’s kind of traumatized by that, so maybe don’t bring it up?”

  “How can I not, now?” I ask. “She said she has some stories about you too.”

  “What makes you think something is rotten there?” Nico asks, changing the subject, something which I most definitely note and will be grilling Cassie over at a later point.

  “Vicky isn’t on the chore chart.”

  “That sounds...really suspicious,” Nico tells me. “Is that all?”

  “Honestly, no!” I say. I start to pace the tiny tent. “It’s just figuring out what is sexy weird and what is shady weird.”

  “Did anything else alarm you besides a chore chart?”

  “Well, the leader tried to give me chocolate but then the witch lady snatched it back…” As I talk I realize how stupid I sound.

  “Okay, just to, you know, make sure I’m getting this right...someone took away your chocolate and you’re upset?”

  “I just...no. You don’t get it. Something strange is happening here and…”

  It’s just then that Shit decides to rush into the yurt with all five of his new Dalmanther friends. He jumps up on the cot, gives my face a big proud lick, and grabs the toothbrush from my hand.

  “No, no, no,” I scream. “Give it back!”

  Briefly I hear Nico’s voice, alarmed. “Paige?! Paige, what happened?!” Then the brush snaps in Shit’s strong jaws. He leaps out of the yurt, his new little friends hot on his heels. I rush outside but there’s no chance of catching the brood of toothbrush destroyers.

  “Mother fucking little fucking fucks!” I shout after them.

  “Paige?” someone asks and I whirl to find Seraphina standing next to me. She’s a mermaid who used to work at Charms, hiring out her high-dollar sexual services. She actually introduced me to the Together We Come Podcast when she suddenly left her place of employment and cited it as the reason.

  “You’re here?!” she says and does a little jump.

  I give her a hug. She looks great, her skin is moist and glistening, and her hair shines. “I was wondering if you’d be here but I didn’t see your name on the work roster,” I say, suddenly realizing it’s not just Vicky who wasn’t listed

  “No, I work in the lab.” she closes her mouth sharply. “We’re not really supposed to talk about it. It’s sort of a secret project. We don’t want any leaks.”

  A lab? Why the hell does a sex cult need a lab? Suddenly, I remember the look on Adorra’s face when Kama handed me the bar of chocolate. It was clearly not for just anyone, and I’d wondered if it was tainted with something, after Kama had said it would get my “jingles jangling.” What are they up to? It could be drugs.

  I put myself out on a limb, leaning toward Seraphina.

  “You mean the chocolate!?” I ask. “It’s okay. I know all about that.”

  “Wait,” Seraphina’s face closes, suspicion clouding her eyes. “How did you become inner circle so fast?”

  “Kama really took a shine to me, so while I am absolutely in the inner circle I’m kind of on the fringes of the circle...like, circle adjacent.”

  She raises an eyebrow. She’s not buying it at all.

  “I also know Vicky works with you in the lab,” I hazard.

  Seraphina nods, some of her fears allayed, but she’s still got a little frown on her pouty lips when she says. “Well, I need to be going, but I’ll see you at dinner.”

  “Sounds great!” I tell her with a big smile, realizing I may have just put my foot in my mouth. Hopefully Seraphina doesn’t go around checking out my story, or asks Vicky how she knows me. “Where comes one, so come we all,” I call to her back, hoping the stupid motto might buy me some benefit of the doubt.

  Shit runs past me with the group of Dalmanthers, tossing me a wild-eyed grin as they kick up some dirt.

  I decide to follow them; I need to explore. Cassie is nowhere to be seen and Seraphina definitely showed me her back as soon as she could.

  I track the Dalmanthers’ trail through the woods, taking in some air. It’s nice to be out here in the middle of nowhere. No humans. No supes. Dodging little piles of crap left in the wake of a bizarre pack of paranormal animals.

  Ugh. Who am I kidding? This lift out of my normal life isn’t exactly the restorative I’d been looking for.

  The trail curves back in a circle, and I follow the turns, kicking at stray leaves and sticks as I do. Maybe if I made some kind of weird forest-doll for Kama she would let me in on whatever the deal is with the chocolate. I’m considering this when I come around the corner and spot the back of the big house, white pillars and wide porch peeking through the trees. It’s so peaceful, I could just stop and admire it…if it weren’t for two women arguing on the steps. I duck down as their voices reach me, and the
n gasp as recognition hits.

  It’s Adorra…and she’s talking to a pretty redhead with a pixie haircut and five-hundred-dollar shoes.

  Adorra is talking to Giselle.

  16

  “I really don’t have time to deal with you today,” Adorra tells Giselle, her voice carrying into the woods, where I crouch. “I just had orientation with two potential new members and one of them was a real piece of work.”

  I grimace, pretty sure that Adorra is talking about me. So much for keeping a low profile.

  “I’m sorry to intrude on your cult business,” Giselle snipes back. “But—”

  “It’s not a cult. We’re an alternative lifestyle community,” Adorra corrects her, sounding genuinely put out.

  That answers the question of whether or not Adorra is a true believer.

  It’s too difficult to tell from this distance, but I’m pretty sure Giselle rolls her eyes at this. I can see that she attempts to toss her hair, but her new super short haircut no longer gives her that option. A better person probably wouldn’t take so much pleasure from knowing that her beautiful hair is sitting in a gift box in my bedroom, but if hating Giselle is wrong, then I don’t want to be right.

  “And I don’t need you checking in on me every day,” Adorra continues. “I know everything needs to be ready by Sunday afternoon for pickup. All the details are on my tablet, as I’ve told you many times before.”

  “Well, I’m sorry if I don’t feel comfortable leaving all the details in the hands of a bunch of—”

  “Careful,” Adorra warns Giselle, her voice hard.

  Amazingly, Giselle backs down. Reaching out a hand to Adorra, she says in a wheedling voice, “I just need everything to go perfectly. If it doesn’t…”

  “It will,” Adorra assures her. “I’m not doing this just for you, it’s for all of us.” She wraps both of her hands around Giselle’s. “We come together…”

  Giselle jerks away. “Oh, God, not that crap again.”

  Adorra is quiet for a moment and I’m pretty sure she’s giving Giselle the narrowed eye treatment that I got earlier. “You know, I bet you’d hit it off with that pain in the ass acolyte I had earlier today.”

  Not likely, I want to tell her, but Giselle beats me to it. “I have nothing in common with anyone who’d come here.”

  Adorra spins on her heel, her hair flying out in a fan, and I halfway wonder if there’s going to be some kind of hair-pulling beauty queen showdown when a deep voice comes from behind me.

  “Well, hello there!”

  I jump, flushed from my hiding spot, to find an enormous dude walking along the path, pushing a wheelbarrow in front of him, covered with burlap bags. Even though it’s a little chilly here in the woods, this guy is going shirtless. And I can really say I blame him. If I was cut like that I’d probably lead with my pecs, too.

  “Hello,” I say, trying to act like I’m not paying attention as I see Giselle move around the corner of the house. A moment later her little sports car comes zipping down the lane, and I watch it go, relieved. The last thing I need is my old romantic rival outing me to the rest of the cult.

  Also, last time I saw her I warned her that Brent was going to do her the way he did me: dirty. She did not appreciate my honesty and it must have had zero effect anyway, since she married the bastard.

  “I don’t think we’ve met,” the man says, reaching his hand out. “I’m Priapus.”

  “Paige,” I say, as my hand is completely enveloped in his. “Pria…” I stumble over his name. “Prius? Like the car?”

  He chuckles, low and sonorous and I’m half tempted to toss my hair around like Adorra had. This guy could make a girl skip dinner and go straight for dessert.

  “No, dear,” he says. “Priapus. I’m a minor fertility god.”

  “Ohhhhh,” I say, blood suddenly rushing to my face.

  I knew that some beings were running around, calling themselves gods from the Greek and Roman world. Whether or not they’re actual gods, they had a hand in the collapse of the world—but I’d never met one of these “gods.”

  Was I supposed to bow? I mean, this guy is way more impressive than that stuffed Dalmanther and everyone hit the ground for him.

  Priapus must sense my discomfort because he smiles at me broadly. “There's no reason to be alarmed,” he says. “I’m not the lightning-bolt throwing type.”

  “Cool,” I say, still a little flummoxed. I glance down at his wheelbarrow. “So, a fertility god, huh? Do you handle all the landscaping around here? I’ve got to tell you it’s done to perfect—”

  I stop, absolutely dumbstruck as Priapus flings back the burlap sacks and I realize that the wheelbarrow isn’t an indicator of his profession. Instead, it’s the perambulator of his penis.

  “Holy shitballs,” I say, backing away. “And giant monster shlong.”

  “I’m also the god of livestock, fruit plants, and male genitalia,” he explains, looking proudly down at his dick, which—even limp—takes up the entire wheelbarrow.

  “I…that’s…please don’t get turned on,” I say, still backpedaling. “That thing fully sprung could take my head off.”

  “Yes it could,” Priapus laughs as if the idea of beheading a strange woman with his dick is funny. “But please don’t be frightened,” he adds, moving forward to join me, his wheelbarrow and its contents leading the way. “Due to the enormous size of my pee-pee, I don’t have hoo-hoo contact with human women. It would quite literally kill them.”

  “Well, that’s…kind of you to abstain,” I say, my gaze still transfixed. “Wait—did you just call it a pee-pee?”

  “Yes, of course” he says, as we approach the clearing at the back of the house. “I once taught the sex-ed class at Mount Olympus Academy, and I am a stickler for proper stickenfrick terminology.”

  “Scientific?” I correct, guessing at what he was aiming for.

  “That’s the one!” He grins.

  “As long as my hoo-hoo is safe with you, I don’t care what you call it,” I tell him, scanning the back porch. There’s no sign of Adorra, and now that Shit broke my magical toothbrush phone, I have no way of telling Nico about this new development.

  The sound of a gong echoes across the compound. “Time for dinner,” Priapus announces, flipping the burlap sack back over his enormous pee-pee. “Thank you for accompanying me as I aired out, Paige. Would you mind assisting me with the steps?”

  I feel like a weird mix of a nursing home attendant and a weightlifter as I help heft Priapus’ penis wagon up to the porch. That thing is no joke! I’m sweating by the time we enter the dining room, and realize I never asked Adorra which wave of dining room participants I’m supposed to be in.

  Luckily, Seraphina catches my eye and waves me over to her.

  “I see you’ve met Priapus,” she says, as I settle into my chair.

  “And his pee-pee,” I tell her. I laugh. I can’t help it. My life seems to be a comedy of errors. Might as well enjoy the show.

  “Is that the word he’s using today?” she asks. “We never know if it’s going to be his wing-wang, dingle-dong, pee-pee, or wiener-schnauzen.”

  “Wiener-schnauzen?” I repeat.

  “Yeah, he adopted that one after we had a wave of Germans pass through for one of our themed weekends. Last fall we had an Octoberfest one, called Wiener Your Schnitzel. I can’t believe you’re here,” Seraphina says, delicately lifting a fork as the swinging doors to the kitchen open and the members whose chores include making dinner begin to fill the plates in front of us. “What made you decide to leave Charms and join Together We Come?”

  “Oh, it’s more like—is that sushi?” I ask.

  It’s a very lame redirect, but quite effective on the mermaid. “What?” Seraphina asks, suddenly livid. “No,” she corrects me, flummoxed as the member doling out food puts some on her plate. “That’s a cheeseburger.”

  “Yeah, a cheeseburger,” I agree. “Sorry, it’s been a long day.”

&n
bsp; “Right,” she says, eyeing me. “So, tell me how—”

  “Broken heart,” I say, figuring I’d just tell her the same thing I did Adorra.

  “Oh, Paige,” Seraphina says, her hand suddenly in mine, her eyes shining. “I’m so sorry. Did things with you and Nico not work out?”

  “What? No! Nico and I aren’t—” I jerk my hand back, accidentally jostling my other neighbor. “Sorry,” I say, turning to find Seamus, the satyr who had taken us to meet Adorra. I also notice that Priapus has taken the seat across the table from me. He winks when our eyes meet and I quickly look away.

  “It’s okay,” Seamus waves off the apology. “It’s a tight squeeze around here, but the theory is that it fosters community for us to be all rubbing up against each other.” He shrugs. “And you know what they say—”

  “I know, I know,” I sigh, resigned to hearing the motto everywhere I go. “Where comes one, so come we all.”

  Seamus grins. “Actually, I was gonna say they always remind us that it’s all you can eat.”

  “Oh,” I reply, nonplussed.

  “Of course, the quality depends on who’s cooking that day,” Seamus adds. He nods down at my food, which I still haven’t touched. “Is this not what you were expecting?”

  “Oh, no, it’s fine. Just very…normal?” I offer, glancing at the cheeseburger. It’s actually kind of disappointing. I’d expected something odd—or even flat out awful. But regular old American fare appears to be exactly what is on the menu, which gets reinforced as someone else comes around with a vast basket of fries on his hip, unceremoniously dumping handfuls onto plates.

  “I really hope he washed his hands,” I say under my breath to Seamus, who smiles.

  “If it’s not to your liking, add some salt,” Seraphina says helpfully, reaching for one of the many shakers that line the center of the table. I pick one up, holding it to the light.

  “Are you sure this is salt?” I ask the mermaid. “It’s pink.”