The Lying, the Witch, and the Werewolf (Down & Dirty Supernatural Cleaning Services Book 4)

by Kate Karyus Quinn

  “No, that was my friend Cassie,” I say, trying to appear confident. “I’m very happy with cleaning the dining room.”

  Adorra steps toward me, never dropping my gaze. “But the dining room is already clean, Paige.”

  My hand tightens on my broom, and I swallow once. Hard. It starts to vibrate in my hand and I move it so that the broom is right in front of me…and in alignment with the second floor balcony door. Which is mercifully open.

  “Yep, we’re really thorough, us dining room cleaning crew folks,” I say, moving my feet so that one is on either side of the broom. It’s definitely getting vibes from me; now it’s practically humming in my hands, and we can’t be far from lift off.

  Adorra crosses her arms, radiating distrust. “And who exactly are your fellow cleaning crew folks?” she asks, acidly. “Can you name them for me?”

  The truth is, I can’t. But the other truth is, it doesn’t matter. The broom shoots forward, knocking Adorra aside as I pinch my knees together, ducking my head as I just clear the door frame. I shoot out of the second story door, gaining the attention of everyone standing in the phone line. We might be in a supernatural sex cult, but the sight of a woman on a broom is still enough to make people point and clap.

  Clap? I’m getting outright applause.

  Then I realize I’m still wearing the ridiculous loose bohemian skirt and everyone under me just got a good show. Oh well, they seem entertained. I give them another fly-by, which they seem to enjoy, as I get a better feel for flying a broom. I make sure to toss a little wave at Adorra, who has come to the balcony.

  “Sorry,” I tell her as I pass. “I really can’t control this thing. We can talk more later!”

  And with that, I zoom to my yurt, anxious to find Nico and tell him all I found. Whatever is going on here, it involves my ex, a Humans First rally, and apparently...chocolate.

  21

  My broom deposits me back at my yurt, gives a small shudder, then falls to the ground. A little puff of smoke rises above it, then dissipates. Hepa said the escape broom is a one-time use-only type of deal. However, I don’t think I’d take anything back. Adorra had been about to leap at my throat in that hallway, and I’d been interested in nothing more than putting space in between me and her.

  And there’s no reason to make myself easy to find, either. I doubt my great escape endeared me to Adorra, and I’d be smart to lay low.

  Luckily, Shit is napping on the cot, apparently exhausted by his fellow pack animals. They say that pets pick up the personality traits of their owners, and I think my boy is like me—sometimes he just needs his space. Or maybe he’s just like me in the sense that sometimes naps are necessary. Either way, I call him to my side and head for the paths. With a protective Dalmanther at my heels, I assume I’m safe.

  But once I’ve had some fresh air I have a better idea along with it.

  “Shit,” I say, bending down to be on eye-level with him. “Can you do something for me? Can you find Nico?”

  His ears perk at the name and I smile, rubbing his nose. “That’s right. Nico. Shit, find Nico and bring him back to me.”

  I’m tempted to say, “Shit, fetch Nico,” but the last thing Shit fetched came back to me in three pieces and I need my allies intact. I don’t know if Shit has always been this smart or if the Dalmanther worship of Together We Come is getting to me, but either way, Shit comes trotting back to me with the blonde-two-eyed version of Nico that a girl could get used to.

  “What’s up?” he asks.

  “A lot, including me, roughly ten minutes ago.” I say, and then proceed to tell him about my great broom escape, and everything I learned from Adorra’s tablet. He processes it all with a stony face, giving away nothing, but I can see the gears turning.

  “What do you think?” I ask, when I’m finished.

  “I think it sounds like trouble,” he says. “A Firster’s rally, your ex, Giselle’s involvement…it’s all very suspicious but I don’t know how it adds up.”

  “Don’t forget the chocolate,” I remind him, slapping his arm when he rolls his eyes at me. It’s way more infuriating now that he has two. “I’m telling you, Nico! These people are flat out weird about their chocolate. They act like they’re guarding some kind of special recipe—ooohhh!”

  I grab his arm, accidentally digging my nails in. He flinches, but doesn’t pull back. “What is it, Paige?”

  “A special recipe,” I repeat. “The lab…”

  Nico’s brows furrow and I quickly tell him about how the members who aren’t listed on the chore list all seem to be assigned to a lab.

  “I’m telling you, they’re doing something with chocolate in there.”

  “Doing something like what? Taking over Easter?” Nico scoffs.

  “I don’t know,” I say, not regretting the nail marks on his arm now. “But it adds up.”

  “To you,” he says.

  “Yes, to me!” I snap, and Shit whines a little. “Oh, stop it!” I turn to my Dalmanther. “I’m allowed to yell at him.”

  Nico bends down and rubs Shit’s nose. “I don’t think he likes it when Mommy and Daddy fight.”

  “We are not Mommy and Daddy,” I say, crossing my arms. “You know what? You’re always keen to show off your sense of smell. You came into my yurt the other day all hot on the idea of picking up a trace of dick—”

  “A trace?” Nico smiles. “That’s not very kind. I’ll tell Seamus you said that.”

  I stomp my foot, aware that I’m being childish, but somehow Nico always gets me to this place. “Do me a favor and shut your mouth and open your nostrils,” I say. “Just humor me for a second and see if you can pick up—”

  “Chocolate?” he finishes for me.

  “Yeah, chocolate,” I say, bending down to take Shit’s face in my hands. “Listen buddy, go back to the yurt, okay? Or go find your friends and play. If Mommy doesn’t come home…”

  Annoyingly, I’m about to tear up. “Mommy loves you,” I whisper into Shit’s ear and then stand up quickly, pointing up the path. “Now go!”

  I wipe the errant tears off my face just as Nico turns around. “I hate to say this, but I’ve got something.”

  Nico’s sense of smell unerringly leads us through the dense woods to a small building surrounded by a padlocked fence. Just in case it wasn’t clear that they wanted to keep people out, there’s also barbed wire all along the top.

  “Smells like chocolate,” he says with one last sniff. “Delicious, high-end chocolate.”

  “Then this must be the place,” I say, reaching for the barrette from Hepa still in my hair. Luckily it looks like the barrette isn’t a one-and-done like the broom. The lock clicks open.

  “Are we sure everyone is at the naked luau tonight?” I ask Nico as we step through and close the gate behind us. “What if someone stayed behind to work late?”

  “Then we’ll deal with them.” Nico grimaces.

  “You don’t mean...kill them, do you?” I ask, horrified. Before today I wouldn’t have jumped to that conclusion. But Cassie’s story made me remember that Nico is not someone you want as an enemy.

  “No, Paige. I don’t mean kill them. We’ll tie them up or whatever. I wouldn’t blame anyone who’d rather work than attend a luau.”

  The way he says luau is the way most people would talk about having a party in a public sewer. “I thought you’d be into the whole roasted pig thing,” I say. “Cassie got weird about the luau too. I thought she’d be excited for a big party, but she’s planning on staying in her yurt tonight.”

  “Yeah, I’m not surprised…” Nico sighs. “The last luau we attended didn’t end well.”

  “What happened?” I ask, unable to suppress my curiosity.

  Nico shakes his head. “Long story,” he says, which is pretty much what he always says when he hints at his mysterious past.

  We head into the chocolate lab...at least that’s what the adorable handmade sign on the front door reads. I decide to be the bett
er person and not point out how right I was. “Are you getting some Hansel and Gretel vibes here?” I ask Nico.

  He laughs and runs a knuckle along the door. “Seems to be made out of metal, not candy. We should be safe.”

  I unlock the door and we slip inside. I reach for the lights, but Nico grabs my hand, stopping me. “Better not to advertise someone’s inside...just in case anyone comes by.”

  I nod my agreement although I can hardly see anything, even after my eyes adjust to the darkness. Unlike Nico, I don’t have the benefit of an animal’s night vision.

  There are some low-level emergency-type lights that must stay on all the time to keep us from being in total blackness. Following close behind Nico, we move toward a large swirling vat. I look down into it and realize it’s full of melted chocolate. They must keep it running all night to keep the chocolate warm and liquid.

  I take in a deep breath, letting the smell fill my senses. “It’s delicious and I can picture myself swimming in it.”

  “I used to pretend when I was a kid that Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory was real. I’d imagine where I’d go first.”

  Nico’s voice is low and close to my ear when he responds, “From the way you're looking at that chocolate, I think you’d be the kid who falls into the chocolate river and gets sucked away.”

  I swat at him and connect with his rock-hard stomach. Still naked, of course. Quickly, I snatch my hand back. “How do you even know what Willy Wonka is?”

  “I’m working through a list of one hundred movies to see before you die. Trying to understand more of the pop culture things people say that always go over my head.”

  I’m surprised. Nico never struck me as the sort to care what anyone else thinks. Also, with his insistence on keeping his ancient computer, I kinda thought he was against all things modern.

  “I can picture you swimming in it, too,” Nico says, his voice low. “But mostly, I really want to eat some,” Nico says.

  “No!” I swat away his hand as he reaches down into the vat. “We don’t know what they have in mind for this stuff! It could be poison.”

  He sniffs. “It doesn’t smell like poison.”

  “Can you really smell the ingredients?” I ask, and he nods. “Okay, I’ve got a weird follow-up question...do you get any sense that it might be made with humans? Because Adorra claimed it was a misprint on a label, but—”

  Nico laughs and looks down into the swirling chocolate. “No, Paige. I don’t think this is poison, and I don’t think it’s made out of humans. All I smell is pure milk chocolate.”

  Then, to my shock, he dips a finger into the bowl, covering it. He brings it to my lips, and says, “Trust me. Taste it.”

  “No way!” I protest, trying to ignore the temptation of Nico’s finger. I don’t know what’s going on but I know I don’t want to eat that chocolate...except, I do. Everything in me wants just a taste. I wipe a bit of drool from the corner of my mouth.

  “Better my finger than you dunking your whole head in, and I can tell you want to.” His finger grazes my lips and I can’t stop my tongue from darting out to taste. Just that one little taste is enough to tell me this isn’t some cheap waxy stuff. Grabbing Nico’s hand, I hold him still while I slide his finger into my mouth and suck the coating off.

  His eyes stare into mine and a low growl escapes him, making it very clear that this is a dangerous game I’m playing.

  Holy crap. What am I doing? Not only should I NOT eat strange candy but I just deep throated Nico’s finger like a pro.

  Releasing his hand, I step back and pretend that my heart isn’t threatening to gallop away, I jerk my head toward the vat. “I shouldn’t have done that. And you shouldn’t have tempted me.”

  “Let’s make it even then,” he says, reaching for the vat again.

  “We shouldn’t both…” This is such a bad idea, but I feel fine. Maybe the chocolate is just chocolate. As much as Adorra and Kama’s behavior around the subject felt like a red flag, maybe I’m wrong and this is just how Together We Come makes money on the side.

  Nico’s eyes continue to hold mine with a dark intensity. “I don’t want to double dip. How about you scoop some for me?”

  I know he wants to lick the chocolate off of me, the same way I did him. But I’m done playing with fire. Instead, I reach for a nearby wooden stir stick and dip into the chocolate. Holding it out to Nico, I say, “More hygienic.”

  “But less fun,” he retorts. Still, he takes the stir stick and tastes it. He frowns, redips the stick and takes a second taste. “I’m getting some faint off-note, right at the end…” he says, sorta smacking his lips together like people who are really pretentious about tasting wine like to do.

  “What is it?” I ask, watching his face closely. It’s so weird to see him with two eyes. I prefer the sexy pirate look he usually sports, but there is something about this blonde, two-eyed Nico. I want him. I want him right here on the floor.

  I come to my senses, grab the spoon from him, and shovel more chocolate into my mouth. For whatever reason, I need something in me right now and chocolate seems like the safer choice.

  He shakes his head. “I don’t know. Maybe nothing, but…” He dips his stick into the chocolate again, trying to ladle as much as he can onto it like it’s a spoon. “I think there’s some sort of magic at work here. I have incredible self-control but I want to lap up this chocolate like a frat boy attached to a beer bong.” As if to prove his point, Nico shoves the chocolate into his mouth.

  “Let’s split up and keep looking,” I suggest.

  It’s all I can do to tear myself away from him. It’s like my feet are stuck to the floor. What is with me? Is it just this place? Why am I having a vision of Nico bending me over a vat and doing me from behind while I lap up chocolate sludge?

  God, that sounds amazing.

  I cough, turn on my heel, and head to the left as Nico goes right, sweeping the factory. I quickly zero in on stacks of boxes near the back door labelled, HF RALLY.

  Holy shit. I don’t know that I’m thrilled to be proven right or not. I pull open the flaps to discover it’s packed with candy bars similar to the one that Kama gave me, but the printing on the wrapping is different. There’s no mention that these are made with real humans. Instead, they say VOTE FOR HUMANS FIRST!

  “Nico!” I call. “I found something.”

  “Me too,” he answers, his voice grim.

  “Come here and I’ll show you mine first, then you can show me yours,” I answer, and a little giggle escapes. Really, Paige? Really?

  Nico is almost immediately beside me, emerging silently from the gloom.

  “Okay,” he says, his hand landing on my lower back. “Show me yours.”

  “I will,” I respond, my voice low and husky. “This is gonna blow. Your. Mind.” My hands are on Nico’s chest and with each word I rub him up then down, each time letting my hands go a little lower. “Or maybe blow something else…” I add, my hands grazing the tops of his briefs.

  Both of his hands come around me, jerking my body against his. “You have too many clothes on,” he says.

  “I know,” I agree, my hands still roaming across his wonderful hot skin. “I need to get them off. I need to feel your body against mine—I desire you,” pops out of my mouth. What is happening to me? I would never in a million years admit I wanted to have sex with Nico, especially not to Nico!

  In clear agreement, Nico grabs the front of my shirt, filling two fistfuls with it and then jerks it, tearing the thin cotton apart.

  “Holy crap that was hot,” I say, panting now with how badly I need Nico. I glance down at the remains of my shirt. One of my favorite shirts, actually…

  With a shriek, I leap away from Nico. “What is going on here?” I pull the sides of my shirt back together, covering my chest. “We’re acting like we’re…” My gaze moves from Nico to the vat of chocolate, the taste of it still rich on my tongue. “Drugged.”

  “That’s what I was coming t
o show you,” Nico says, his voice still low with barely leashed tension. Holding something out in his hand, he takes a step forward as if to bring it to me, but then stops. Releasing a snort of laughter, he crumples the thing and tosses it to me. I grab it out of the air and then unfold what I realize is another candy wrapper. This one doesn’t match Kama’s or the ones in the box; instead it has a cartoon of a Popeye-type sailor. SEAMAN’S CHOCOLATE, the label reads.

  I look at Nico. “Is this a pun? Are they using sweet innocent puns and cartoon sailors to push—” I sputter for a moment, unable to get the words out. Partially because I’m upset but also because my eyes just caught sight of Nico’s massive boner and now I’m having trouble focusing on anything else.

  “I think the chocolate is making us...horny,” he says. “I desire you too, Paige.”

  “It’s incubus semen!” I shout. “They love the stuff here! It’s on all the tables in the dining room instead of salt.”

  “Right, I noticed that,” Nico responds. “But you’ve experienced the effects of the incubus spunk before and it doesn’t feel like this. Like…” Nico trails off and as he does drifts closer to me as if his feet are moving from some force he has no control over. And then I’m moving too, drawn to him, needing to be closer, to just touch him—

  “AUGH!” Nico turns on his heel, stalks to the wall and punches a fist into it.

  “That help?” I ask.

  “No.”

  “That’s what I thought.”

  Clenching my own hands into fist, I cross them over my chest. The first time I was drugged with Incubus semen, every time I touched another living being, I orgasmed. It didn’t matter who it was.

  He’s right, though, this does feel different. That made me feel like my every nerve ending was a live wire. Just rubbing my own legs against each other sent me off into waves of bliss. This isn’t like that. Crossing my arms, feeling them press against my breasts, doesn’t make me see fireworks.

  But this, how I feel right now...Instead of feeling like someone turned me into an orgasm machine, I just feel turned on—by Nico.