The Sound of Your Heart

by Laura Ward

  As Lex got up to take her turn, my eyes settled on the spot where all my pins were still standing.

  I’d spent a lot of my life in the gutter. When was I going to make a real change? Or better yet, when was I going to be the change that someone else needed?

  Chapter Eighteen

  Julie

  Push.

  Harder.

  Faster.

  Farther.

  I sprinted down College Avenue, my legs and lungs on fire. I had already been around the backside of campus where new apartment buildings had replaced the decrepit, yet somehow charming, Knox Box houses. Running this far and this fast was rare for me, but my mind demanded it and somehow my body kept moving. Adrenaline pumped fiercely in my limbs and a pleasant numbness seeped through my thoughts.

  My lungs burned as I gasped for breath, but I kept going. I wanted to run until I figured out my anger, or at least until I forgot about it.

  “Jules!” I heard my name called, the tone jeering, the echo of other voices joining in. I ignored it.

  “Jules!” I heard my name again, loud and clear, and it took another half second before my brain registered that this time it was Ben’s voice. Maintaining my speed as I approached his house, I craned my neck to look for him. The front porch of Pi Kappa Mu was full of guys enjoying happy hour and listening to music. And Ben was among them, somewhere.

  “Oof!” My toe caught on a raised piece of sidewalk and my body flew through the air. I face-planted into the grass, giving the entire house of Pi Kappa Mu brothers a front row seat to my humiliation. I remained right where I was, inhaling dirt and grass clippings, rather than look up. The light scratching sound of plastic along concrete approached and then I felt the soft tap of something against my leg.

  “Are you okay?” I heard Ben’s voice next to me and I turned my head enough to see that he’d found me with the tip of his cane.

  “Mmmhmm,” I answered, glad he couldn’t see how ridiculous I looked.

  He squatted, and his hands gently traced my spine, his touch warm and comforting.

  “Are you sure?” he asked. “Nothing broken?”

  “Nope. Just resting.” I mentally did a self-check, taking note of everything that hurt and found that the only thing that was truly injured was my pride. “Looked like a nice place to lie down and catch my breath,” I joked, forcing a laugh to chase away his concern.

  Ben chuckled. “Let’s get you up.”

  Pressing my palms to the ground I lifted up into a plank position and then stood, spitting grass onto the ground.

  “What are you spitting for?” Ben asked, his hand grasping my elbow.

  “Grass,” I spat again. “I sort of got a face full of it when I fell.”

  Once I’d brushed most of the dirt off, slow claps started, and I looked up. All the guys on the front porch were standing, clapping, hooting, and cheering. I was mortified, but I did what I did best and played it off.

  “Thank you, thank you very much!” I called, adding a perfect curtsy.

  “All right, tough girl. Let’s get you inside.” Ben held my hand in his and I followed him up the porch, his cane leading the way, the Pi Kappa brothers parted to let me pass as they continued to laugh and tease.

  As soon as we made it to Ben’s room, I headed straight for his bed and curled up into a ball on top of his comforter. I listened as he opened his mini fridge. Shortly after, the bed squeaked, the mattress depressing as he sat next to me.

  “Here’s some water.” He spoke softly. His concern unraveled the fragile hold I had on my emotions. I opened my eyes, not moving from my human ball shape, only taking the cold bottle of water from him to hold it to the side of my face.

  “Th-thank you.” To my horror, I burst into tears, all the emotions from the past few days snowballing into an avalanche of self-pity.

  Before I knew what was happening I was scooped up and enveloped in Ben’s arms, my balled-up body sitting on his lap. “Jules?” He kissed the top of my head. “Are you hurt? I thought you were laughing out there.” His hands searched my body—roaming, pressing, attempting to feel any injuries I might have.

  “I’m not hurt. Sorry to scare you. I’m…embarrassed. Mad. Confused.” I unwrapped my arms from my body and moved them to hug Ben’s waist. My face burrowed into his chest where I felt safe.

  “I get the embarrassed, even though you shouldn’t be. Those guys are assholes, ignore them. But why are you mad and confused?” Ben’s hands tilted my head up and his lips found mine. He pressed small kisses on the corners and then a light kiss on the center of my mouth.

  I sighed. He always had a way of making things feel a little bit better. “I went running because I was upset. I needed to get it out of my system.”

  “Why were you upset?” His hands rubbed circles on my back and neck, pulling the stress out of my muscles.

  “Because the world’s cruel sometimes.”

  Ben’s only answer was low, humorless laugh.

  “I was hanging out with Lex and Taren for our buddy day,” I explained. “We were having lunch with Darren, Stacy, and William. Stacy was telling us that her family won’t let her date William—that her father thinks it would be stupid—” I emphasized the last word with disgust. “—if they were to ever have sex. Then I learned that Darren was stuck in special ed classes growing up because of his physical disabilities, and no one ever took the time to see that he’s smart. He’s so smart, Ben.” I rubbed the back of my fist with my palm. “So Stacy and William aren’t allowed to date even though they clearly love each other. Darren’s not in college like he should be. And then there’s me. I have everything, and I don’t even deserve it—”

  “Don’t be ridiculous,” Ben interrupted.

  I took a deep breath. “I’m barely passing my classes. But because I look normal, no one gives a second thought to me being in college. Or dating.” I stopped, swallowing a gulp of water and wiping away tears. “How is that fair?”

  “Life isn’t fair,” Ben said gently. “But that doesn’t mean you don’t deserve those things too.”

  “You’re missing the point. I’m like all those other assholes. I judge people all the time. I’m no better than people who think Stacy and William are wrong to love each other, or that Darren is stupid because his body is broken. I’m no better.”

  Ben reached up to stroke my hair and pulled my head onto his shoulder. “You’re being too hard on yourself.”

  I shook my head. “How can you want to be with me? I don’t want to be with me. I’m a horrible, judgmental person. Sometimes I wish I could run away from it all. From my thoughts, my mistakes…everything I’ve done and said.” God. Even if all he knew about was a small part of my past, it made no sense why someone like him would be with someone like me.

  Ben was quiet, and with what felt like the weight of a mountain bearing down on me, I realized he might agree with me—that I was horrible. And he didn’t even know the worst part. That not even my parents wanted me.

  That said more than anything else.

  I unfolded myself from his lap and stood up. I was feeling antsy. Like I had to run again to numb my thoughts before my insecurities sliced me open and I bled out on his bedroom floor.

  “Jules.” Ben’s face tilted up at the sound of me standing and he took my hand, pulling me back to the bed. “Do you judge me?”

  I responded with a disbelieving laugh. “What is there to judge? You’re amazing. Sweet, generous, funny...” I traced swirls into the palm of his hand with my fingertips. “You’re incredibly talented. You’re brave and intelligent. Not to mention that drop dead sexy body and face. You’re perfect.”

  He cupped my chin with his hand, his thumb running over my lips. “That’s the thing, Jules. I’m not perfect. No one is. The only thing we can be is perfect for someone else. Like I said before, we all have flaws. We all have things we lack.” I was shaking my head, but he held my chin to stop me. “Jules, I’m blind. I’m disabled. I use a cane. Wouldn’t you call t
hat a flaw?”

  I stiffened and gripped his hand harder. “You are not disabled. You are abled in every way that matters. You might not see with your eyes, but you see with your hands, and your ears, and your mouth, and your…heart,” I said, placing my palm over his chest. “You are the best person I know. You are perfect. And I...”

  I wanted to say it. I wanted to tell him I was falling in love with him, but I couldn’t. In my heart, I couldn’t see how he could ever feel the same about me when it was clear that I was unlovable. My father and mother didn’t even want to claim me. To love me.

  So I didn’t finish the sentence. I let the thought hang in the air and fade away.

  “No one is perfect,” Ben said again. He brought his face closer to mine and kissed me. A deep, urgent kiss with long sweeps of his tongue.

  This was something I understood. Even when my heart was malfunctioning, my body knew how to make me feel better. Our frantic fingers were soon clutching at clothes and skin, our satisfied groans breaking the silence.

  Ben pulled away, leaving us both gasping for air. “You’re a good person, Jules. You may have judged people on appearances in the past, but not now. You’ve changed. You’re allowed to grow and change. Yes, you’re inappropriate at times, but that’s what I like about you. You’re brutally honest and hilarious. That’s the Jules I want.”

  Ben buried his face into the curve of my neck, scattering kisses along my throat as he lifted my tank top.

  “You’ve got me,” I told him. “Whatever you want.”

  “I want every inch of you,” he said. He pulled my shirt off, tossed it aside, and ran his hands over my sports bra. I leaned into the press of his fingers, needing his touch.

  “I should shower. I’m all sweaty,” I argued weakly.

  “I plan to get you sweatier.” Ben nipped along my neck, kick-starting my heart into a furious beat. “I don’t feel like waiting for you to shower, I want you now.”

  “Yes.” I wanted him too. Sometimes I thought it might be the only thing I wanted anymore. I gripped the bottom of the sports bra and peeled it up and off my body. When Ben felt naked skin under his fingertips, he bent forward to press kisses along my collarbone, dragging the tip of his tongue down the center of my chest. His mouth made the slow, glorious trek over the swell of my breast to wrap around my nipple. And then he sucked. Hard.

  “Oh God,” I murmured, pushing my fingers into his hair and arching against the heat of his mouth.

  He lifted his head and I held my breath, waiting to see where he would go next. “You mean so much to me, Jules. I may not be able to see you the way everyone else does, but I see you.” His fingers skimmed along my body, his mouth dragging the words across my skin. “And I promise you are worth more than you think.”

  The words were kisses that he spoke against my skin, as if by pressing them into me, he could make me believe them.

  “You are wicked smart about the things that matter to you and snarky as hell.” His hot breath fanned across me as a wet kiss was left above my heart. “You’re loyal as the day is long, you would do anything for a friend, and you’re the sexiest girl I’ve ever known.” His kisses were now along my jaw. “You’re perfect for me.”

  He pushed me back until I was sprawled on his bed underneath him.

  “Let me love you,” he whispered in my ear, his hand finding the waistband of my running pants and easing them down.

  I was sure he meant tonight. To love my body. Because despite all his pretty words and sincerity, deep down I knew I didn’t deserve his love or him. But I would take what I could get, and so I let myself believe that my heart was worthy of him.

  ***

  “Ben!” The door rattled with the force of the knock. “We’ve got rehearsal in thirty. Let’s go,” Nate barked through the door.

  Lying next to me with his eyes closed, Ben didn’t move a muscle. If he hadn’t just been buried deep inside me moments ago, I would have thought he was asleep.

  I started to sit up and search for our clothes, but he tightened his grip on my shoulder and pulled me down to the bed and against his side.

  “You have to go. Your brother says you have practice in thirty minutes,” I pointed out.

  “I’m busy right now.” He held me firmly to him, turning his head slightly to kiss my forehead.

  “As tempting as this is,” I said, twisting out of his embrace, “I’m not going to be the reason you’re late. He already hates me enough as it is.” I rolled over and stood at the side of the bed, searching for my clothes.

  Ben pressed up onto one elbow, his unfocused gaze tracking my movements as if he were watching me. “He doesn’t hate you. He just doesn’t understand you.”

  Leave it to Ben to try to twist the truth to make me feel better. I shimmied into my clothes and then hurried over to give him another kiss before leaving. When I pulled back, his lips followed like he was caught in my gravitational pull.

  “See you later, handsome,” I spoke softly.

  “Yes. You will.” He spoke with intention.

  When I opened the door and stepped into the hallway, the happiness stuttered in my chest. Nate was leaning against the opposite wall, glaring at me. I shut the door and headed for the stairs, but Nate moved in front of me, blocking my way.

  “You’re distracting him,” he accused quietly.

  I straightened my spine and fixed a carefree Jules smile in place. “He doesn’t seem to mind.”

  “We have a legitimate shot at something big. Don’t get in the way of that for him. He’s worked hard for this opportunity.” He crossed his arms and stared down at me.

  Ben was wrong. Nate definitely hated me.

  I reached up to tuck a piece of hair behind my ear, aware that after a long run and a sex marathon, I probably looked like I had been ridden hard and put away wet. I was definitely doing the walk of shame. Not the first time.

  “I’m not in the way of anything. You’re the one blocking my exit,” I pointed down the hallway in the general direction of the front door.

  Nate took a step closer. “We have an agent coming to watch us perform this week. There’s a last-minute spot for an opening act on a big tour and we have a shot at getting chosen.”

  Honor Bound might go on tour? Why hadn’t Ben told me? My chest twisted with the idea of him leaving—of me going back to life without him.

  “Congratulations,” I managed to say.

  Nate huffed and continued to glare at me. “We should have been at the bar already. As I said, you’re a distraction he doesn’t need.”

  I had no argument against that, so I said, “I’m on my way out.” I gave him another fake smile. Pushing past him to make my way down the stairs, I felt his glare hitting right between my shoulder blades the entire way.

  If Ben was planning to tour sometime soon, what did all his pretty words mean?

  Chapter Nineteen

  Ben

  Julie had been different since the day she’d taken a fall outside of the frat house. It was easy for her to pull on her snarky attitude like a second skin and act like things were business as usual around everyone else, but she had a harder time convincing me that she was back to her carefree self. I noticed the things other people were too busy to see—the catch in her voice, the unusual pauses, retorts that didn’t have their usual bite. Her words no longer held the same smile they used to.

  That’s not to say we didn’t have a good time together. Spending time with Julie had become the highlight of my days. But sometimes it seemed as if she was pulling away. Like she thought she needed to protect herself, or me. On more than one occasion, I’d noticed that when she kissed me it was a little off. Almost like the beginning of a bittersweet farewell.

  Damn. Her kiss was the beginning of a bittersweet farewell. That sounded like a pretty good fucking song. Maybe I should write it and get all of the shitty thoughts out of my head. Especially the ones I’d been having toward my own brother.

  Nate. For a guy who was all about
hooking up with as many girls as possible, he’d turned into the ultimate cock blocker, constantly knocking on my fucking door and interrupting when Jules was visiting. And it was always over stupid shit, mostly questions about the band that he could have answered on his own. He hid behind the excuse that the agent was coming to see us, and we had to be nothing short of perfect. But in reality, I think he didn’t like the idea of my happiness with Julie. She never complained about Nate, but with the way he’d been acting lately, I could see why she was keeping her distance.

  I’d had enough of his bullshit and he needed to back off. My relationship with Jules was my business, and it was non-negotiable.

  I cranked the volume up on my headphones so I could hear the rough recording we’d made of “Sound of Your Heart” during our last rehearsal. Something still wasn’t right with the song and I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was missing.

  The music faded to let in the ring of a call. I switched off the headphones and felt around on the desk until I located my phone. “Hello?”

  “Hey man,” Caz said. “Long time no see. You up for some lunch?”

  “Sure.” I hadn’t seen Caz in a long time, and I had a few hours before I had to head over to rehearsal.

  “Sweet. I’ll swing by and pick you up in ten.” He hung up without waiting for confirmation, and I grinned to myself at his impatience. Typical Caz.

  I grabbed my guitar case and slung it over my shoulder, figuring it’d be easier to go straight to the bar after lunch. Maybe working on the song there would help.

  I locked my door behind me. If I didn’t, it’d be an invitation for someone to play a prank on me...one of the many risks of living in a frat house. Last time I left it unlocked, all my boxers disappeared. I had to go commando for a week until Nate found them shoved in the freezer.

  I could hear voices downstairs, but it was still early enough that most of the brothers were in class, or in some cases, still sleeping off their hangovers. I felt my way to the staircase before walking downstairs.

  “Hey, Ben.”

  My foot had barely hit the last step and I held onto the newel post as I angled my body toward the voice in the living room. I lifted my chin in acknowledgment.