The Quality of Love

by Rosie Harris

  He’d slept in doorways and even park benches, often being moved on again by the police in the early hours of the morning and warned that he’d be locked up if they found him there again.

  He’d spent hours at the docks desperately trying to get a ship but they’d always turned him away saying that he was too young. He’d thought very seriously about stowing away on one and had even taken to sleeping down on the dockside with every intention of slipping on board one dark night. He didn’t care if it was a cargo boat or passenger ship as long as it took him far away to some place where he could start a new life; but the opportunity to do so never arose.

  By sheer chance he’d managed to find work in a factory where they made packing cases. At first he’d only been sweeping up and acting as a general labourer. It had provided him with enough money to pay for proper lodgings, and also, by saving every penny, he was able to buy some decent clothes.

  His boss had noticed how industrious he was and after a couple of months he’d been promoted to other work including going out in the van with deliveries. It had been back-breaking at times, but he’d refused to give up.

  He’d learned everything he could about the methods they used in manufacturing the cases as well as about all the various sizes they stocked and what they were used for, how everything was labelled, and where it was stored in the warehouse. By the time he was nineteen he had been made foreman.

  From that day on he’d made certain that the warehouse was always spick and span and that he could always account for every item in it. He also made sure that orders were completed on schedule and deliveries were made promptly.

  Meeting Lorna was his next stroke of luck. She was seventeen and one of the clerks employed in the office. From time to time she came along to the warehouse to ask questions concerning an order or delivery. She was petite and her blond hair framed her round face. She looked like a beautiful doll and was the prettiest girl he’d ever seen.

  They’d taken to each other on sight and after a few weeks he’d summoned up all his courage and asked her if she would go for a walk with him.

  She’d been rather taken back by his forwardness but she’d agreed she’d do so if her parents gave their approval. It had been the start of their courtship and had turned into a lifelong romance. Three years later, when she was twenty, her parents finally gave their consent for Lorna and Lloyd to be married.

  They’d had a white wedding and they’d set up home in rented rooms in Canton. The moment he was promoted to Factory Manager, and because Lorna was expecting their baby, they moved to a house in Cyfartha Street in Roath; the one they were living in now and where Sarah had been born.

  The war had disrupted his secret ambition to become a partner in the business but his background had not been wasted. His skill at organising and keeping records had stood him in good stead. Almost at once he’d been sent to one of the training barracks in the Midlands to work in the stores and in no time at all he’d been put in charge and promoted to Warrant Officer.

  After he’d been demobbed from the army, once again he’d been luckier than most and had been offered his job back by his former employers. They’d expanded considerably and now had a thriving transport and haulage side to their business and he rejoined the company as General Manager.

  Now older and wiser, he’d decided that with his very limited savings it was probably too great an ambition to hope to become a partner. Instead he concentrated on encouraging Sarah to reach an educational standard that he had never been able to achieve himself.

  Lorna Lewis felt very relieved that Sarah would be attending Cardiff University. She knew it was the height of Lloyd’s ambition for her and that he was extremely proud of their daughter. Unlike Lorna, he couldn’t bring himself to tell Sarah how he felt. Lorna was lavish with her praise and though Sarah knew how delighted both her parents were, Lloyd always gave the impression that it was only what he expected.

  There were times when Lorna felt uncomfortable about this because, in contrast, Lloyd was so openly affectionate towards her. The fact that he showed her the same tenderness and devotion as he’d done when they’d first been married and seemed to place her on a pedestal sometimes filled her with a sense of unease because she felt that she had to watch her every step to make sure she didn’t fall off and this could be quite onerous. Sometimes she thought she would actually have enjoyed it if they’d had the occasional spat like most married couples did, as long as they could make up afterwards.

  Over the years she always tried to fall in with his wishes and do everything to please him but she was no longer as inhibited as she’d been when they’d first married. Nowadays, since the war, she wanted to go out and about more and mix with people and often wished she could invite people to their home but Lloyd liked his privacy and did not welcome visitors.

  She’d enjoyed the war years so much because she’d experienced such a feeling of freedom. For the first time in her life she was able to do things her parents had never allowed her to do. Also, knowing that Lloyd was miles and miles away she was at liberty to go out or have friends in whenever she wanted to do so.

  It had also given her the opportunity to take Sarah out and about. They’d had a wonderful time together and Lloyd’s army allowance, especially after his promotion, was more than adequate for her to be able to do this.

  Then Lloyd had been demobbed and, once more, she found herself the centre of his universe. In so many ways he was an extremely good husband because he never begrudged her anything. Lloyd’s only failing, as far as she was concerned, was the fact that he seemed to prefer them to live almost in isolation from their neighbours and what few friends she had.

  Lloyd was also an outstandingly good father. He worried about Sarah, and he encouraged her in her studies, but his expectations of what he wanted her to achieve were so high that they were almost impossible.

  Now, with such a glittering prize as the opportunity to have a university education under her belt, Lorna wondered what the future had to offer; not merely for Sarah but for all of them.

  Sarah showed so much promise that undoubtedly she would do well. Lorna wondered what sort of a career Lloyd had in mind for her after she finished university. Perhaps it would have been better if they’d had more children, then all his ambitions wouldn’t be concentrated on Sarah’s achievements.

  She sighed as she spread a thick blanket on the table and covered it with a piece of old sheet in readiness to do the ironing. It was too late to think like that now, she told herself. Nevertheless, she was worried because she was sure that sometimes Lloyd pushed Sarah far too hard.

  As she picked up the flat iron from the trivet in front of the fire and held it a couple of inches from her face to test if it was hot enough to begin ironing one of Lloyd’s shirts, she wondered if Sarah would ever have a home and family of her own or whether she would make her career her life.

  Chapter Two

  Sarah found that all the excitement over her going to university was slightly dimmed when it came to leaving High School and saying goodbye to all her teachers and the friends she’d known for the past five years.

  Although many of them lived only a few streets away, she knew that once they all started work she wouldn’t be seeing very much of any of them. She’d already found that because she had only limited pocket money she was unable to do many of the things her friend Rita did now that she was working.

  She also knew that Rita thought she was wasting her time going to university and poring over her books while she was out living it up and having a good time.

  She sighed. Probably most of the others did as well because as Rita kept reminding her going to university wasn’t a short-term commitment; it would be at least three years if she was to obtain all the qualifications her father had in mind.

  The other thing that worried her was that because she was the only one who’d passed to go to university she wouldn’t know anyone else there. When she’d moved from elementary school to the high school not
only Rita but several other girls, as well as half a dozen boys, had also changed school at the same time.

  She could still remember how they’d all huddled together in the playground on that first day. They’d felt small and insignificant because all the others seemed to be so much bigger and far more self-confident than they were and they had wondered if they would ever fit in.

  They had soon done so, of course. Once they knew their way around the building, met their teachers and got used to their new routine, all their worries and feelings of shyness had disappeared.

  Sarah tried to talk to Rita about all the worries and doubts she was having over what lay ahead but Rita was surprisingly uncooperative.

  ‘It’s your own fault; you’ve only yourself to blame. I’ve already said that if you don’t want to go to university, why did you let your dad think that you did? You should have said that you didn’t want to do so,’ she stated bluntly.

  ‘I couldn’t do that, it would break his heart. He is forever saying how important it is to him; all his plans for the future are built around me going to university.’

  ‘Yes, maybe, but what about your plans? I always thought that, like me, all you’ve been thinking about for the last year is how soon you can start work and have some money to spend. I know I wouldn’t go back to school for anything.’

  ‘It’s all right for you,’ Sarah argued, ‘you talk about absolutely anything with your parents and say whatever you like to them.’

  ‘You could do the same.’

  ‘No. It’s speak when you’re spoken to in our house.’

  ‘When you were younger perhaps,’ Rita said with raised eyebrows, ‘not now when you are almost grown-up.’

  ‘Yes, even now,’ Sarah assured her emphatically.

  Rita frowned as she concentrated on brushing her long corn-coloured hair. ‘If you didn’t want to go to university, why did you study so hard and pass all your exams?’

  ‘To please my dad, of course. I wanted him to take notice of me.’

  ‘Perhaps if you hadn’t studied so hard and got such good marks he’d have taken even more notice of you,’ Rita giggled.

  ‘I couldn’t possibly have done anything like that!’ Sarah exclaimed aghast. ‘I wanted to please him and my mother.’

  ‘And do you think you have?’ Rita asked, looking at her curiously.

  Sarah shrugged and looked crestfallen. ‘I’m not too sure, although I have tried to do what they expected of me.’

  ‘Why on earth bother? I know I wouldn’t have done so. You might just as well be out enjoying yourself.’

  ‘You really don’t understand, do you?’ Sarah sighed. ‘It’s the way I’ve been brought up.’

  ‘It’s always been the same with your parents,’ Rita observed critically. ‘When we were little you were never allowed to play out in the street. You were never allowed to join in when we all played hopscotch or skipping or tag. You used to spend hours standing by your front-room window watching us and sucking your thumb.’

  ‘Good heavens, fancy you remembering about that,’ Sarah said in astonishment. ‘Anyway,’ she went on quickly, ‘I played out with you all later on.’

  ‘Yes, after your dad went into the army you and your mam used to mix with everyone in the street like normal people and even stand on the doorstep gossiping for hours. Yes, you’re right, you played out then and joined in all our games,’ she agreed.

  ‘The war years were fun, weren’t they?’ Sarah smiled.

  ‘Yes, but afterwards, once your dad was demobbed and back home again you were never allowed to come out with any of our crowd, no matter what we were planning to do. Last Christmas when you had a part in the school play, he even objected to that because it meant you staying later at school.’

  ‘No, he didn’t,’ Sarah defended. ‘It was only when we had rehearsals in the evening.’

  ‘Yes, and then he always came to meet you and insisted that you went straight home while we all went off to the milk bar and enjoyed ourselves.’

  ‘It was just his way, it was past my bedtime,’ Sarah mumbled, the hot colour rushing to her cheeks.

  ‘Sarah, you were fifteen! You were old enough to decide for yourself what time you went to bed. Does he still expect you to go to bed when he says?’

  Sarah bit her lip. ‘Does it matter?’

  ‘Not to me it doesn’t, but I would have thought it would to you. You’ll have to stand up for yourself when you get to university or you’ll have no life at all. Perhaps it is just as well that you are not going out to work, you wouldn’t do very well; staying on at school is about all you’re fit for.’

  Sarah looked at her friend open-mouthed. In the past they’d always shared all their problems, especially when they’d felt they were being unfairly treated, whether it was by their teachers or their family. Even so, they’d never been as frank or outspoken as Rita was being now and it left Sarah feeling shocked. She didn’t know what to say because she felt that to join in criticising her father like Rita was doing would be disloyal.

  Far from persuading her that going to university was wrong for her, Rita’s comments were making her all the more determined to go and do her very best. She’d make her father proud of her even if Rita did despise her for doing so.

  From now on she wouldn’t talk about it. There would be no more exchanging confidences or soul-searching heart-to-hearts with Rita, she told herself. She took Rita’s comments very much to heart. She’d always regarded Rita as being her very best friend and in the past they’d agreed about most things. She’d had no idea that Rita had such strong feelings about what her parents said she could and could not do and she felt quite upset about it.

  She’d hoped they would stay friends even though she realised that their interests were no longer the same, but she suspected that they’d never again be as close as they had been while they were growing up. She would be lonely without her company because she was the only really close friend she’d ever had.

  There was only one thing she could do and that was to look ahead, make the most of her time at university and hope that at the end of all her studying she would achieve the goal she was setting herself and also be completely independent.

  Sarah had been looking forward to spending a great deal of the three months’ vacation between the end of the school year and starting at university as a time of relaxation and enjoying herself. There would be days out shopping with her mother and going out with Rita at the weekends. However, it was nothing of the sort. Her father insisted that she should spend at least a portion of each day studying and when he came home at night he questioned her in great detail about what he’d told her to do, so there was no chance to shirk.

  It kept her from worrying about the deep chasm growing between herself and Rita and from dwelling on the fact that things would never be the same between them ever again. She tried to console herself that perhaps it was all for the best since from now on they would be leading completely different lives.

  There was some respite from studying, however, because her mother insisted that she must have new clothes before she started at university. They spent a good many afternoons looking around the shops in the city centre. The sales were on and Lorna felt that it might be better to wait until the stores had new stock, but it didn’t stop them window shopping and browsing before committing themselves as to what they both considered to be suitable.

  When the first day of the new term eventually arrived Sarah felt desperately nervous. She and her mother had walked up to Cathays Park on numerous occasions and had sat on one of the benches there, looking across to the other side of Museum Avenue and admiring the university building which was built from the same gleaming Portland stone as the nearby City Hall.

  The building was so impressive that Sarah found even the thought of walking through its doors daunting and it made her feel insignificant.

  When the actual day arrived, however, she was so excited that her fears were momentarily quenched. She discovered
that on the first day there would be no formal lectures. Instead, they were told where to find the various lecture rooms and were helped to familiarise themselves with the interior of the building so that they could find their way around.

  A third-year student was allocated to each small group of three or four newcomers. In charge of the group that Sarah was attached to was Gwyn Roberts. He was about twenty and fairly tall with very broad shoulders and dark brown hair and dark eyes. He seemed to be very sure of himself and slightly supercilious, but when he smiled, his friendly expression compensated for this. Nevertheless, Sarah felt shy of him because he seemed to be so purposeful.

  He appeared to be focussing his attention on her and walked alongside her most of the time as if he was anxious to make sure that she personally knew where everything was. He made a point of answering her questions in full while dismissing some of the queries from the others with a few brief words.

  By the end of the day she no longer felt a stranger in the vast complex and she also suspected that when Gwyn said he would watch out for her the following day, and that if there was anything she was uncertain about she had only to ask him, she had at least made one friend.

  When she’d been at school she’d been used to sitting in class along with thirty others and working to a strict timetable devised by the teacher in charge. Now she found that having selected the subjects she was taking she had to make her own decisions about which lectures she attended.

  She often found that the lecture hall was crowded and that boys far outnumbered the girls. It also came as a shock to find that it was left to her own discretion what she did in the way of making notes and preparing for the next lecture.

  One-to-one sessions with her tutor were at first terrifying because she was afraid he was going to criticise her for not doing as much preparation as he expected her to, or because she didn’t understand something and needed to ask him for a more detailed explanation.