The Quality of Love

by Rosie Harris

  ‘Has this got anything to do with your idea about us eloping?’ Sarah persisted.

  ‘No!’ He shook his head. ‘I simply want us to spend some time alone because we’ve had so little chance to do so lately.’

  ‘You mean go away together on our own!’ For a moment she looked shocked. ‘Where are we going?’

  ‘Does it matter as long as we’re together?’ he teased.

  ‘I’m not sure they’ll let me do that. I’ve never been away on my own before. Who do I say I am going to stay with? I’ve never mentioned any particular friend except you.’

  ‘Well, you can hardly tell them you are going on holiday with me, now can you!’ he laughed. ‘Surely you can claim that one of the girls in your year is a special friend. Tell them anything, it doesn’t matter. I must know the dates, though, and once you’ve decided when it is to be then I can go ahead and book somewhere for us to stay and then make all my other arrangements.’

  She looked puzzled. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘You’ll have to wait and see. I haven’t time to tell you all about it right now,’ he said impatiently.

  Sarah felt really excited at the thought of spending time alone with Gwyn and even though she knew that her parents would be shocked and that she should resist such a temptation she felt she couldn’t possibly turn it down.

  Even so, she anticipated that there were going to be a great many problems; so many that she wasn’t at all confident that it was going to be possible to fall in with his idea. As she’d already told him, she’d never been away on her own before and she wasn’t at all sure how her parents would react when she said that was what she wanted to do.

  Although it was only a few weeks away from her eighteenth birthday, they’d still probably think she was too young. She might be able to persuade her mother that it would be all right, but her father was so protective that he might object.

  ‘Stop pondering about whether or not it’s possible and simply tell them that it’s what you are going to do,’ Gwyn told her, slightly irritated by her seeming reluctance. ‘You do want to be with me and for us to go away together, don’t you, Sarah?’

  ‘You know I do,’ she said emphatically.

  ‘Then the rest is up to you. I need firm dates, remember, and I need them later today.’

  She looked at him puzzled. ‘I need time to think about how I am going to ask them at home, so why do you need to have an answer right this minute?’

  ‘Because I go home to Aberdare tonight and after that it’s not going to be very easy for us to keep in touch. If I write to you, then your father will probably censure your letter, if I know anything about him.’

  ‘I don’t know about that because I never get any letters.’ She smiled.

  ‘Exactly; which is all the more reason why he’d be suspicious if you did, especially if he spotted an Aberdare postmark on it.’

  ‘Yes, you’re probably right but—’

  ‘Look, if you can’t manage the bank holiday, then it had better be later that week. What about meeting me on the Thursday, that will be the fourth of August?’

  ‘Until when?’

  ‘I don’t know! Does it matter? Simply say you’ve been invited for a few days’ holiday and leave it at that.’

  ‘My dad will probably say that as we’ve had a day out on the Monday then I should be content with that,’ Sarah murmured rather dubiously.

  ‘It has to be then,’ Gwyn told her firmly. ‘I’m starting work the following week.’

  ‘You’ve got a job? Why, that’s wonderful.’ Sarah beamed. ‘Come on, then, tell me all about it,’ she enthused.

  ‘Not much to tell, really, because I’m not sure what it entails and it may not be permanent. It’s as a reporter on the Western Mail.’

  Her face lit up. ‘So does that mean you will be working here in Cardiff?’

  ‘I think so, initially. I don’t really know what the hours or the routine will be until I actually start work.’

  ‘It sounds terribly exciting. It is a good start for what you want to do, isn’t it?’

  Gwyn shrugged. ‘I’m not sure. I’ll have to see how it goes. I don’t intend to be a run-of-the-mill reporter; I want something more challenging than that. I only had the interview yesterday and they said that my future would depend on what sort of degree I get, but they said they’d give me a month’s trial.’

  ‘It sounds promising, though,’ Sarah pointed out. ‘I do envy you! I wish I was starting work, earning money and about to become independent like you are.’

  ‘Then you’d better put your back into your studies and make sure you do better in your exams so that you are so well qualified you land a top job,’ Gwyn told her dryly. ‘You also need to learn to stand up for yourself or you’ll end up with your dad deciding where you must work.’

  ‘You’re being ridiculous.’ Sarah frowned, although she knew that was exactly what would probably happen.

  ‘Start the way you intend to go on; tell him that you are going away on holiday for a few days and stick to your decision. It’s the only chance we have to see each other over the next couple of months. I’ll be waiting for you at Cardiff General railway station at ten o’clock in the morning on the fourth of August, so mind you don’t let me down.’

  ‘When did you say you start your new job?’

  ‘The following Monday, on the eighth.’

  ‘So I can tell them that I’ll be back home on the Sunday?’

  ‘If you have to; don’t be too positive about it, though; you might want to stay another night with me, and we mightn’t come back to Cardiff until the Monday morning.’

  ‘You mean the day you start work?’

  ‘That’s right; we ought to make the most of it, you never know when we will manage to spend a few days together again after that.’

  He pulled her close, oblivious of the other people in the room. ‘Don’t let me down, Sarah. I’ve gone to a lot of trouble to make sure we have this very important time together. You do want to be with me, don’t you?’ he asked urgently.

  ‘More than anything in the world,’ she breathed.

  ‘Cardiff General at ten, then,’ he confirmed as his mouth sought hers in a brief but passionate kiss.

  ‘Don’t let me down,’ he warned again as he released her.

  Before she could say anything he’d gone, leaving her trembling with a mixture of excitement and anticipation. What on earth was she going to tell her parents, she wondered? Gwyn meant so much to her that she couldn’t take the risk of losing him even though it meant defying her parents and going behind their back.

  She could think of nothing else for the next few days. Sometimes she felt that time was standing still and she’d never see Gwyn ever again. At other times it seemed to be racing by and she still hadn’t plucked up the courage to tell her parents that she was going away for a few days.

  She kept going over and over all the things Gwyn had said and wondering if she’d got them right. Had he really meant it when he’d said that he couldn’t live without her and had suggested they should elope?

  Now he was suggesting spending a few days together. Did that mean he’d changed his mind about them being married? Or was he testing her to see if she really cared enough? Did he assume that if she was prepared to take the risk of spending a few nights away with him, then she would be willing to spend the rest of her life with him as his wife?

  She felt more and more confused; she wondered if he was thinking along those lines or whether he was merely out to seduce her. She realised that if she did go away with him as he suggested, then he would be expecting her to sleep with him, not hold him at arm’s length as she’d done up until now.

  There was so much more to his invitation than merely confronting her parents and asking their permission, she thought worriedly. She hated the idea of having to concoct some sort of story and tell them she would be with a girlfriend, and she still had no idea how she would go about doing that. All she knew was that she must
make it clear to them that it was important to her and yet her mind seemed to go blank when she tried to think of what she must say to convince them of that.

  Gwyn was asking an awful lot of her, she mused. If her father ever found out he’d probably turn her out and disown her; yet if she didn’t go along with Gwyn’s suggestion then that really would end things and she would lose him completely, she had no doubts about that.

  If only Rita was still living nearby then she could have asked her advice but Rita and her family had moved to Newport and there was no one else she could confide in.

  Not for the first time she regretted not having got to know some of the other girls at university. She had been so obsessed with Gwyn, because he was the very first boyfriend she’d ever had, that she’d wanted to be with him and no one else, so she had deliberately avoided them all.

  Chapter Seven

  Sarah spent hours agonising over when it would be the best time to confront her parents before fate came to her rescue.

  A couple of days before the August bank holiday her mother twisted her ankle rather badly and found it painful to walk. Lloyd was extremely concerned. Sarah did all she could to help and her father was full of praise for the way she was waiting on her mother and doing the housework and shopping.

  ‘I’m afraid it means we won’t be going out anywhere over the holiday, cariad,’ he warned Sarah, ‘but perhaps we can go out somewhere special later on.’

  ‘Well, when Mam’s ankle is better then perhaps I could go and stay with my friend; she asked me at the end of term if I’d go and stay with her for a few days, but I told her I would have to ask you first,’ Sarah gabbled.

  ‘Friend? What friend is this?’

  ‘One of the girls I know at university. We go to the same lectures, because we’re studying the same subjects.’

  He stared at her challengingly. ‘This is the first time you’ve mentioned this friend. Why haven’t you brought her home to meet us?’ he asked curtly.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Sarah said awkwardly, ‘except that you don’t like visitors very much.’

  ‘I don’t like the sort of rabble-raiser you brought home before,’ he said sharply.

  ‘So can I go? I said I would let her know. She suggested the Thursday after the bank holiday.’

  ‘I think we’d better see how your mother’s ankle is before we make any decision of that sort,’ Lloyd said dubiously. ‘At the moment she needs you here.’

  Although it seemed possible that she would be able to go, Sarah knew he might change his mind, even at the very last minute. As soon as she had the chance she explained the situation to her mother.

  ‘I think that would be a lovely idea and it would make up for your missing out on the bank holiday trip and for the way you’ve looked after me. Don’t you worry, I’ll make sure it is quite better well before then,’ she promised in a conspiratorial whisper.

  ‘It’s only a matter of days away,’ Sarah pointed out worriedly.

  ‘Well, if you can’t go this week then next week will do just as well, won’t it?’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘She said it had to be this week. They . . . they’re going away after that, the whole family.’

  Even as she said it she hated herself for lying to her mother when she was being so cooperative. She wondered what she would think, or even say, if she knew that she was planning to go away with Gwyn. She’d probably be shocked, she thought miserably.

  Things had changed since the end of the war and women were taking liberties in all sorts of ways, but to go on holiday alone with a man when you weren’t married to him was still overstepping the mark. She and Gwyn were not even engaged so she had no excuse whatsoever for her brazen behaviour, even though she did love him with every fibre of her being.

  By the time Thursday morning arrived, although it had been finally agreed that she could go, Sarah was in such a state of nerves that she was on the point of calling the whole thing off. She’d told so many lies over the last few days that she felt mortified and wondered how she could look either of her parents in the face.

  She was wearing a new dress, crisp, pale green cotton, with a matching jacket which had the collar and revers piped in white and a matching pale green cloche hat trimmed with a full-blown white fabric flower. As she kissed her mother goodbye she felt such a wave of guilt that she was shaking; so much so that she could hardly pick up the small brown suitcase she’d packed ready the day before.

  ‘Now don’t forget to send us a postcard the moment you get there so that we know you’ve arrived safely,’ her mother told her. ‘Remember, letting you go away on your own is almost as big an undertaking for us as it is for you,’ she added.

  Cardiff General railway station was packed when Sarah arrived and she had a momentary feeling of panic in case she couldn’t find Gwyn amongst so many people.

  She didn’t know where to start looking for him. Her suitcase felt heavy and people kept bumping into her as they rushed for their train so she decided to stand still and hope he would spot her. If he didn’t then she’d know that she wasn’t meant to go on this illicit holiday, she told herself, though how she would explain her change of plans to her parents she had no idea.

  She’d been waiting for almost ten minutes before she felt someone touch her arm and she spun round, almost jumping out of her skin with fright.

  It was Gwyn. Somehow he looked even more broad-shouldered and handsome than ever, in his smart grey suit, a raincoat over one arm and a suitcase in the other, and she found it hard to believe that she could possibly be going away on holiday with him.

  ‘Are you all right, Sarah?’ He gave a puzzled frown at her startled reaction.

  ‘Yes, yes, of course I am,’ she said breathlessly. ‘You startled me, that’s all.’

  ‘I thought you’d seen me; you were staring over in my direction for long enough. Come on,’ he picked up her case, ‘our train is in and we’ll miss it unless we hurry.’

  Sarah followed him, dogging his steps as other passengers barged past them in the opposite direction. She’d dreamed of him sweeping her into his arms, saying how pretty she looked in her new clothes and how wonderful it was that they were going away together, but he hadn’t even kissed her, she thought unhappily.

  The train was packed; they found two empty seats but they were at opposite sides of the carriage – she had a corner seat and Gwyn was squashed in between a rather large man and a middle-aged lady, so they weren’t even able to sit together.

  Gwyn had put both their cases up into the luggage rack but even those weren’t side by side, Sarah thought forlornly. They’d hardly sat down before a porter came along the platform, slamming shut the carriage doors. The guard blew his whistle and with a noisy belch of steam the train moved out of the station.

  She stared across at Gwyn, hoping for a reassuring smile, but he’d pulled a newspaper out of his pocket and all she could see was the top of his thick brown hair as he sat there reading it. He looked more like a businessman or a commercial traveller than someone embarking on the very daring adventure of taking his girlfriend away for the first time, she mused.

  Her thoughts were diverted as the ticket collector came along the corridor and into their carriage. She felt his gaze fall on her and for a moment she felt guilty because she hadn’t got a ticket and she didn’t know if Gwyn had bought tickets for both of them or not; furthermore, she didn’t even know where they were going.

  As Gwyn held out their tickets to be punched her moment of panic faded. She was being stupid; of course he’d bought both tickets and of course he knew where they were going, so she didn’t have to say or do anything.

  As he looked in her direction she gave a tremulous smile and her spirits soared as he grinned back at her and winked. Suddenly, knowing how much he cared and how much she figured in his thoughts, all her fears vanished. How could he kiss her or even talk to her when they were surrounded by strangers?

  Reassured, she relaxed and settled back more comfort
ably in her seat, revelling in the thought of how much she meant to him, and she spent the rest of the journey looking out the window enjoying the view of the passing countryside. They’d left Cardiff behind them now. The landscape had changed and they were travelling through places she’d never heard of before; she even caught a glimpse of the sea.

  Sarah wasn’t sure how long they’d been on the train or where their destination was, but she trusted Gwyn. When he stood up and lifted down their cases she followed him out into the corridor and as the train ground to a halt she let him help her down on to the platform.

  Once their tickets had been punched and they were through the barrier, Gwyn paused in a quiet corner of the station entrance and put down their cases.

  ‘You look like a frightened rabbit,’ he murmured as he pulled her into his arms. ‘I had no idea that everywhere would be so busy or I might have suggested travelling at a different time of day so that at least we could have sat together during the journey.’

  ‘Never mind, we’re here now.’ She smiled uncertainly. She looked around her questioningly. ‘Exactly where are we?’

  ‘We’re in Porthcawl, which is about twenty-five miles from Cardiff,’ he told her.

  ‘Oh!’ She looked slightly crestfallen. ‘I thought that perhaps we were going to your home in Aberdare.’

  ‘Are you twp, cariad?’ he asked shaking his head. ‘That would be a very stupid thing to do, now wouldn’t it? We don’t want either of our families knowing anything about what we are doing.’

  ‘No, I suppose not.’ She looked at him adoringly. ‘You do think of everything, don’t you?’ she breathed.

  ‘Of course I do.’ He smiled. ‘My mam and dad expect me to establish a worthwhile career before I go gallivanting around with any girls,’ he told her solemnly.

  ‘So that’s what this is, is it? Gallivanting around doesn’t sound very romantic,’ she said, pouting.

  Gwyn tightened his arms around her. ‘Others might think that but then they don’t understand our feelings for each other, do they?’ he said softly, pulling her closer and running a finger down her cheek.