The Quality of Love

by Rosie Harris

  Chapter Fifteen

  Adjusting to her new life was not easy but, to her surprise, Sarah found that her newly formed friendship with Clara and Dilly helped a great deal. They were always ready to assist and rarely criticised; they’d lived in Tiger Bay all their lives and knew a great many people and such a lot about what was going on. They not only told her where to shop but also how to go about getting the best bargains.

  They both had children ranging in age from three to fourteen. The older ones were always willing to run messages and when they heard that Sarah was at university they regarded her with awe.

  ‘Are you going to be a school teacher, then?’ Cedric, Clara’s twelve-year-old asked suspiciously. He breathed a sigh of relief when she assured him she wasn’t.

  Clara laughed a lot at Sarah’s ineffectual skills at cooking but at the same time she was always willing to help and guide her. In no time Sarah found she was not only able to provide appetising meals for Gwyn but also knew how to shop for food economically.

  It certainly helped to improve things domestically although generally she found that life was nowhere near as wonderful with Gwyn nor their lovemaking as romantic as she’d dreamed it would be. They seemed to have settled into a fairly mundane routine, but it wasn’t one that she was happy with at all.

  She felt it was partly due to the fact that Gwyn was so immersed in his work. His hours were irregular and she could never be quite sure what time he would be home.

  When he was late he always claimed that he had been delayed because a story had broken and he’d been sent to cover it. Or else that there was a mad panic in the office over a report or a feature and that entailed working late.

  Whenever this happened, she noticed, his breath was redolent of alcohol. Once or twice when she’d commented on it he rounded on her sharply and reminded her that in his job he had to drink occasionally with his colleagues.

  ‘It’s their way of unwinding after a gruelling session, and it would look boorish if I didn’t join in.’

  Apart from the fact that Gwyn had a driving ambition to be promoted, even though he still wasn’t yet on the permanent staff, he kept reminding her that his wages had to support them both as well as the baby, which was now due in about two months.

  Although she was still attending lectures and tutorials, Sarah knew that her days at university were numbered because it had been so obvious that she was pregnant. The fact was made even more apparent because she couldn’t afford to buy the right sort of clothes to disguise her ever-increasing bump.

  Dilly had been extremely helpful by letting out both of her skirts at the waistline but there was a limit to how much it was possible to do this and Sarah still felt frumpy.

  Although she was now over the initial wrench she’d felt at having to leave Cyfartha Street, she still longed to see her mother. Clara and Dilly were kind and helpful but it wasn’t the same as being able to confide in her mother like she’d been able to do in the past.

  As the days became weeks and the time for the birth of her baby grew nearer she even wrote a note to her mother, asking if she could come and visit her in Cyfartha Street. She hoped that even if that wasn’t feasible, her mother might find it in her heart to come and see her in Louisa Street, since her address was on the note.

  When a week passed and there was no response she accepted that her mother wasn’t going to get in touch because she never did anything that might upset her father, and that the rift between herself and her parents was permanent.

  Sarah knew she could never be like her mother. Even though at present she had to rely on Gwyn to put a roof over her head and pay for food and everything else, she was determined to maintain her independence. She was quite prepared to stand up for herself and argue her corner if she thought that it was necessary.

  For all that, she wished her mother would get in touch. Several times she’d been tempted to pay another visit to Cyfartha Street but at the back of her mind was the worry that she might be putting her mother into an awkward situation.

  Another thing that made her put off doing so was that she might bump into some of their neighbours.

  That was nowhere near as important as seeing her mother again and she kept wondering whether, if she paid them a visit one Sunday, perhaps after the baby was born, and faced them both, they would be so pleased to see their grandchild that it might put matters right.

  When she mentioned this to Gwyn he told her she was being silly to even think like that but she remained optimistic. Her mother, at least, would be overjoyed to see the baby and that might soften her father’s heart.

  When Sarah went into labour on a Tuesday morning in May it was Clara who took charge. Tearfully, Sarah begged them to fetch her mother and then, as the contractions increased and became ever more painful, she pleaded for them to get hold of Gwyn.

  Neither Clara nor Dilly knew where to find either of them so they ignored her pleas and carried on regardless. They both told her that they knew what to do and assured her that there was no need to send for a mid-wife or a doctor or anyone else at all.

  Fortunately, it was a straightforward birth and by the time Gwyn arrived home late that evening it was all over. Sarah was tucked up in bed and Clara was showing her how to suckle her new daughter.

  Gwyn was so absorbed in work problems that he had very little to say about the new arrival and seemed to take it for granted that Clara and Dilly were looking after Sarah and the baby. When they asked him what he wanted to call the baby he merely shrugged and said that it was up to Sarah.

  The three women talked about it for a long time but none of the names Clara and Dilly suggested appealed to Sarah. She was so grateful to Clara and Dilly for all they had done for her that she wanted to call her daughter after them so in the end she decided on ‘Cladylliss’.

  ‘It’s the beginning of your name, Clara, and the ending of Dilly’s,’ she explained.

  Sarah felt weak and inadequate for almost a week after Cladyllis was born. She was tremendously grateful for all the help she received from Clara and Dilly. They not only shopped and cleaned and took care of the washing but also between them provided a cooked meal for her and Gwyn every evening for the next couple of weeks.

  When Sarah told Gwyn that Clara was concerned because she thought the baby was underweight, he brushed aside the idea that they ought to see a doctor.

  ‘She looks all right to me and she certainly cries enough,’ he said rather irritably. ‘She keeps me awake half the night with her whimpering and howling.’

  ‘It’s not a healthy cry, though,’ Clara insisted. ‘She’s feeding well enough, so I don’t think it is because she’s hungry. There is something wrong with her. I think she’s probably in some kind of pain, poor little lamb. In fact, she’s so frail that I don’t think she’ll survive unless she has some proper treatment.’

  Sarah was distraught when Clara said this and when Gwyn still refused to agree that they should call in a doctor she took matters into her own hands. Cladylliss’s future and well-being meant more to her than anything else in the world. She’d never dreamed that she would feel such intense love as she did for her baby. She was determined to do everything in her power to make sure she had a good life, even if it meant defying Gwyn. She decided to swallow her pride and go and visit her mother and ask her advice.

  She said nothing to Clara and Dilly except to tell them that since it was such a lovely day and she felt so much stronger she was going to walk as far as the park.

  ‘Wait until this afternoon and we’ll come with you and carry Cladylliss for you,’ Dilly suggested.

  ‘No, I want to go now in the morning while it is cool. By this afternoon it may be far too hot.’

  ‘She’s too heavy for you to carry; you’re not properly over childbirth yet,’ Clara pointed out.

  ‘She’s three weeks old; a lot of women would be back at work by now,’ Sarah told them. ‘Let me try. I’ll carry her Welsh-fashion in a shawl so that way I won’t find her heavy, n
ow will I? If I find it is too much I’ll turn back when I get to the end of the road.’

  By the time she reached the Pier Head her legs felt quite shaky and she was glad to get on the tram and sit down. As it clanged its way up Bute Road and along St Mary’s Street she kept going over in her mind what she would say to her mother, and she wondered what her mother’s reaction would be to Cladylliss.

  As she left the tram and made her way towards Cyfartha Street she felt nervous in case she saw any of their neighbours. This time she didn’t attempt to fish through the letter box for the key but knocked on the door like any other visitor would do.

  She was trembling so much that when her mother did open the door she could barely whisper hello.

  For a moment they stared at each other almost like strangers. Sarah held her breath. She couldn’t believe how much her mother had aged; her face was lined and she’d lost weight.

  Then when she saw a look of delight and the smile of welcome that spread across her mother’s face she began to breathe easily once more. ‘I thought you would like to meet your little granddaughter, Mam,’ she said shakily.

  As Lorna reached out and helped her into the hallway Sarah was so relieved that she hadn’t been turned away that she felt faint and stumbled and almost fell.

  ‘Oh Sarah, Sarah, I was afraid I was never going to see you again. It was so wrong of me to let Lloyd send you away like he did. I’ve walked the streets looking for you. I’ve waited for the postman every day hoping there might be a word from you because I knew the baby was due at any time now. Why didn’t you write, cariad?’

  ‘I did! I wrote before the baby was born saying how much I wanted to see you. I gave you my address so that if you didn’t want me to come here then you could come and see me.’

  Lorna shook her head. ‘I never received it. I prayed you would get in touch.’

  ‘I thought it might be a waste of time,’ Sarah sighed. ‘Dad must have picked up the letter and destroyed it. Is he still angry with me?’ she asked tentatively.

  Lorna didn’t answer. She guided Sarah towards an armchair and then began to help unwrap the shawl Sarah had wrapped round herself to support the baby.

  ‘Come and sit down, you must be exhausted in this heat. Here, let me take her while you get settled and then I’ll make us a cup of tea and you can tell me everything,’ she said taking the baby, cuddling her, and studying her features.

  ‘Oh she’s lovely,’ she exclaimed. ‘She looks like a tiny doll. How old is she?’

  ‘Three weeks.’

  ‘And what have you called her?’

  ‘Cladylliss.’

  ‘Cladylliss? That’s an unusual name.’ Lorna frowned.

  ‘There’s a reason, I’ll tell you all about it in a minute. I could do with that cuppa, Mam. Shall I make it?’

  ‘No no, I’ll do it.’ She handed the baby back to Sarah. ‘You sit and nurse her, you must be worn out.’

  It wasn’t easy revealing to her mother everything that had happened since she’d been thrown out of Cyfartha Street, but as they sat and drank their tea Sarah managed to tell her all she thought she needed to know.

  Her mother listened attentively but said very little. When Sarah finally stopped and held out her cup for a refill Lorna remarked quietly, ‘You still haven’t told me where you and Gwyn are living.’

  ‘We’re still in Cardiff, and we’re only a tram ride away,’ Sarah murmured.

  ‘Yes, but where?’ her mother insisted.

  ‘Louisa Street.’

  ‘Where’s that?’ Lorna looked puzzled. ‘I’ve never heard of it.’

  ‘It’s not very far from the Pier Head.’

  Lorna looked at her wide-eyed. ‘That’s Tiger Bay,’ she said in a horrified voice. ‘Why there, Sarah? Whatever are you doing living in a place like that?’

  ‘It was all we could afford,’ Sarah told her with a grim smile. ‘I thought you might be shocked; in fact, I wondered if that was why you didn’t come and visit me,’ she admitted.

  Lorna shook her head, ‘No, that had nothing to do with it, cariad; I would have come to see you no matter where you were living if I’d known the address.’

  ‘Then make it soon, Mam,’ Sarah pleaded as she stood up. ‘I’d better get back. I told Clara and Dilly that I was walking as far as the park. They didn’t want me to do it on my own and they will be worried out of their minds in case I’ve come to some harm.’

  ‘Hold on while I get my hat and coat and I’ll come with you,’ Lorna told her.

  ‘No, Mam, there’s no need for you to do that, I’m settled in my own mind now that I’ve seen you and I know that things are all right between us.’

  ‘I’ll come with you,’ her mother repeated firmly. ‘I can carry little Cladylliss and, what’s more, I can find out where it is you live. I’ve never been down there in my life and I’ll never be able to find my way unless you show me.’

  Chapter Sixteen

  Sarah felt very aware that her mother was becoming more and more nervous as the tram rattled along Bute Street towards the Pier Head. She tried to keep her talking so as to divert her attention from the increasingly dubious characters that boarded the tram and from the fact that the shops and buildings were becoming shabbier all the time.

  As they walked from the Pier Head towards Louisa Street she noticed that her mother kept looking nervously back over her shoulder and glancing sideways as coloured people passed them.

  Mrs Blackwood came out into the hallway as they went into the house and Sarah introduced them.

  ‘Your first visit,’ she said, and it was more a statement than a question. ‘I was beginning to think that Sarah didn’t have any family, at least not living around here.’

  Lorna gave a faint smile but offered no explanation as to why she’d never been there before.

  Sarah led the way up to the attic rooms but they were stopped on the second-floor landing by Clara who flung her arms in the air and exclaimed in a loud cross voice, ‘So there you are! Dilly has been worrying me silly about where you might have ended up. We both told you not to go out on your own,’ she ranted, her bosom heaving and her big dark eyes flashing angrily.

  As soon as Clara stopped for breath Sarah introduced her to Lorna and she saw the look of shocked horror on her mother’s face. She wasn’t sure whether that was because Clara was black or because of the way Clara had been shouting at her.

  The atmosphere eased over a cup of tea. Clara chattered at great length about the baby and how anxious she felt because she thought little Cladylliss was delicate. Her concern seemed to greatly impress Lorna and Sarah felt the atmosphere ease. When, a little later, Dilly joined them the three of them went into great details about what the problem might be and what should be done about it.

  ‘I think you should take the baby along to the doctor’s, my dear,’ Lorna told Sarah. ‘I’ll come with you, so make the appointment and then let me know when it is.’

  ‘There’s no need for you to trail all the way down here, Mrs Lewis,’ Clara told her. ‘I’ll go with Sarah, or if I can’t then Dilly will.’

  ‘Gwyn doesn’t think it is necessary to see a doctor,’ Sarah said hesitantly.

  ‘Don’t worry about that, you don’t have to say anything to him; I’ll pay the fee whatever it is,’ her mother told her quickly. ‘If there is anything to be concerned about then you can tell Gwyn what you’ve done afterwards otherwise say nothing about it.’

  Sarah thought it over for several days but finally, because the baby’s breathing was so shallow and she was so pale and listless, she took her mother’s advice.

  Clara went with her and they watched in tense silence as the doctor examined the baby and then they listened to his observations with growing concern.

  ‘It’s obvious that she is in distress and the cause is a problem with her heart. It’s beating irregularly and so I am going to recommend that she goes into hospital where she can be under medical observation,’ he told them gravely.


  ‘Will I be able to stay there with her?’ Sarah asked anxiously

  ‘You will have to see what the consultant says about that,’ he told her. ‘I’ll give you a note to take to the hospital and I expect they will decide to admit her immediately.’

  Sarah was beside herself with worry when they left the surgery and Clara was equally upset.

  ‘Poor little mite,’ she kept muttering as they walked home. ‘I suppose you’d better take her there right away? Do you want me to come with you?’

  ‘I don’t know what to think or do,’ Sarah sniffed, gazing down at Cladylliss and stroking her tiny cheek with her forefinger. ‘Poor little love, what a terrible start for her life. I wish my mam was here, I must let her know so perhaps I should go there first.’

  ‘I think the first thing you should do is take little Cladylliss into hospital,’ Dilly insisted when they told her what the doctor had said. ‘Let Clara go with you and I’ll go and let your mother know what has happened and then she can come to the hospital and be with you.’

  Sarah nodded in agreement. ‘I’d better feed her first,’ she said, ‘and then I’ll do as you say.’

  ‘I’ll make you a cup of tea while you are doing that. Would you like something to eat?’

  Sarah shook her head. ‘I couldn’t swallow a thing; I feel as if I’m going to be sick.’

  ‘All the more reason why you should have something to eat before you set off for the hospital. I’ll make some sandwiches; it may be hours before any of us can have a proper meal,’ Dilly said firmly.

  Clara and Sarah had a long wait when they reached Cardiff Infirmary in Newport Road. The waiting room was packed and although Clara emphasised that it was a very young baby when they handed in the note from the doctor, it didn’t seem to make any difference.

  Dilly had come part of the way on the tram with them and Sarah had told her where to get off and had given her directions so that she could find Cyfartha Street.