Back to Life Series Box Set

by Danielle Allen

  Taking a step forward, Ashlyn said, “Manny, I have a question. You said you loved me, but you weren’t in love with me… because you’re in love with her.” She sneered at me before looking back at Emanuel. “Is that still true?”

  “Obviously. What do you want? Why are you here?” Emanuel growled; his temper was hanging on by a thread.

  “I’m here because of something your mother told me,” Ashlyn stated with a smile. There was a long pause and she seemed to revel in it as her smile grew wider. The house was silent as we all waited for her to continue. What would Mrs. Mills have told her to make her think barging into Emily’s house was appropriate? I wondered.

  “Either say what you have to say and then leave. Or just leave. It doesn’t matter to me either way.”

  “Well earlier this year, I ran into your mother at the mall. We made small talk and then she noticed the bag I was holding. I was shopping for myself and also for my cousin Jessica. You remember Jessica right?”

  “Get to the point, Ashlyn,” Emanuel demanded.

  “You didn’t used to be in such a rush to finish,” Ashlyn said cattily. She winked at me in case I didn’t catch her double entendre.

  “Watch it,” I replied calmly.

  “That’s it,” Emily pronounced as she hit three buttons on her phone. “I will hit send and I will have your ass arrested for trespassing on private property.”

  Never taking her eyes of Emanuel, she unzipped her bag and continued as if Emily hadn’t spoken. “She said that you are a good man, an honorable man. She said that you were just like your father and that they raised you to do the right thing.”

  Suddenly, a voice erupted from Emily’s speaker phone. “9-1-1. What’s your emergency?”

  “Hang up the phone Em,” Anthony whispered as we all stood in stunned silence at the sonogram in Ashlyn’s hand.

  Chapter 17

  Emily told the operator that she had made a mistake and hung up the phone. We all stood gaping at the sonogram picture. Emanuel’s grip on me tightened as Ashlyn took another step forward and put the sonogram in his outstretched hand.

  “We’re having a baby,” Ashlyn revealed almost happily. Oh shit, I thought as I took a deep breath.

  “What?” Emanuel asked in shock, analyzing the picture.

  “We. Are. Having. A. Baby,” Ashlyn repeated evenly with measured pauses.

  “I-I heard you. But how? I don’t…” Emanuel stammered. He released his arm from around me and ran his hand through his hair. “Are you sure?”

  “Look at the picture. I’m very sure.”

  Handing the sonogram to Emily, Emanuel turned to walk into the living room. Both hands rested on his head as he walked away and then came immediately back. “We haven’t had sex in months. How--?” He gestured frantically to the photo.

  “I’m four months pregnant. If you’ll recall, we were happy and in love before she popped up and ruined everything. Do the math Manny. But in your heart you know this is your child.”

  “What the fuck is going on?” Emanuel muttered under his breath as he squeezed his eyes shut.

  Taking the sonogram from Emily’s hand, Anthony analyzed it before offering to no one in particular, “Seems legit.”

  Feeling my heart thrum in my chest, I inhaled deeply. “Let’s give them a chance to talk privately,” I exhaled, forcing the words out with discarded air.

  “Sahara…” Emanuel breathed, looking at me. His hands were instantly cupping my face.

  Forcing a smile and covering his hands with mine, I murmured, “It’s obvious you two have some things to talk about.” Turning my head and kissing his palm, I walked away with Emily and Anthony on my heels. We all turned around when we heard Emanuel’s voice.

  “Don’t touch me,” he barked and took a step back.

  Ashlyn put her hands up in front of her. “Okay, Manny. I won’t touch you. I know this isn’t how we planned it. But everything happens for a reason. We are going to be parents…” She touched her stomach for emphasis. “We have to at least talk about this. It’s not about you and what you want anymore. It’s about this baby that we created.”

  Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, I coached myself as I give Emily a brief hug. “I think I’m going to call it a night,” I managed to choke out softly before retreating to the guest bedroom.

  By time I closed the door behind me, I felt like my chest was caving into itself. I couldn’t take a full breath. Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5…Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1…Focus, focus, focus…Breathe, breathe, breathe, I coached myself as I searched my bag for my anti-anxiety medication. Trying to open the cap with shaky hands, I felt faint and unshed tears burned my eyes. Popping the top, I swallowed a pill with the room temperature bottled water that was on the nightstand near the bed. Inhale 1, 2, 3, 4, 5… Exhale 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.

  Taking in loud, gasping mouthfuls of air, I was on the brink of a full blown anxiety attack. I was slowly able to get the oxygen I needed. But my heart hurt and the medication wasn’t numbing that pain. Grabbing my phone, I climbed into bed and buried myself under the covers. As soon as my head hit the pillow, fat tears eased down my cheeks. Although nothing had been settled, in my heart I knew what the outcome would be. He was raised to honor his responsibilities. He is his father’s son. He is… he is having a baby. With her. With her? Really? Oh God, why? After all these years, I allowed myself to go all in with Emanuel. All in with the man that I’d loved since birth. After all this time, we were free. Free of all of the doubt and guilt and hurt that prevented us from being together. Free to love each other. And now…now he has a baby on the way. Now he isn’t free, I silently cried as I wallowed in heartbroken frustration. With heavy eyelids, I scrolled through my phone and opened my goodnight playlist. As sleep quickly descended upon me, I fixated on one thought: I have to do the right thing.

  The bed dipped and I knew I wasn’t alone anymore, but my body was too lethargic to truly comprehend what was going on. The medicine made it impossible for me to open my eyes. Or move. Or speak. But I could smell. I inhaled as deeply as I could in my sedated state. His woodsy scent was deliciously sensual with its warm, earthy fragrance. I’m going to have to ask him what cologne that is, I thought wistfully as I took in his smell again. I love the smell of him. Is he talking? I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or reality, but I strained to hear his hushed words repeating I love you.

  I felt my body shift as he pulled me into him, my back to his front. His hand reached under my white T-shirt and rested in the center of my belly. The weight of his body anchored me. His breath was warm against my cheek. His lips brushed softly right behind my ear. His skin was hot, burning through the thin fabric I wore. I wanted to wake up. I wanted to talk. I wanted to respond. But I’m so tired, I thought as I drifted back to sleep in the safety of his arms.

  *****

  “Good morning, sleepyhead,” Emily said with a forced smile.

  “Good morning,” I grumbled as I rubbed my eyes. My pillow faintly smelled of Emanuel and I quickly turned my head to look behind me. He wasn’t there. Maybe he never was, I thought as I stretched my arms and legs. “I must not have heard my alarm. I set it for 8am because these pills are ridiculous.”

  Emily made sheepish face. “It’s 7am…I wanted to have a little girl time before we had to get ready to go to the airport.”

  Sitting up and moving my feet so that Emily could sit on top of the comforter. “Well that explains it,” I smiled.

  “Do you take the pills often?” Emily asked as she sat on the edge of the bed. She turned her body so that she was full facing me. Her disheveled hair and smeared eyeliner gave her the appearance of having just rolled out of bed.

  “They were prescribed to help with the attacks while sleeping. When I take them, they work. I try not to take them often though because of the way they make me feel.” I was quiet for a moment as I rubbed my face roughly. “I needed one last night though.”

  “Yeah…” Emily said slowly. “That’s why I wanted to have g
irl talk.”

  We were both quiet. I don’t even know what to say, I thought as I shook my head and shrugged. Grabbing the pillow that wasn’t behind me, I clutched it to my chest. He had to have been here, I concluded as I breathed in his scent.

  “That was so crazy last night,” Emily started, gauging my reaction with wide eyes.

  “Yeah. Crazy is one way to describe it.”

  “I’m sorry Sahara. That sucked,” she reached over and squeezed my arm comfortingly. “I was so sad last night because all day, I kept thinking about how great you and Manny are together. You both were happier than I’d ever seen and you both deserve it.”

  “Maybe I don’t deserve to be happy Em. If I needed yet another sign as to why I don’t deserve to be happy, Emanuel having a baby with the woman he was engaged to marry is it,” I interrupted quietly.

  “You do deserve to be happy. And besides, this doesn’t have to mean the end of you and him. He was never as happy with her as he was this weekend with you,” Emily offered sympathetically.

  I sighed, “Well it looks like this weekend is all we have. And even if it were an option to be with him right now, your parents are not having that and you know it.”

  She gave a sad smile. “Manny is grown. They’ll get over it. They love you and they love Manny,” Emily insisted unconvincingly.

  I gave her a look. “It’s not just them. If my Dad were still alive, he would be so disappointed in me for not giving them a chance to be a family.”

  Emily didn’t say anything, but I saw it in her eyes that she knew I was right. So I continued, “And then there’s Emanuel. He’s a good man. He’s going to be a great dad. And that poor unsuspecting child is going to need him there to protect him from his mother.”

  Emily’s eyes crinkled in amusement, but her smile still seemed sad. “Just talk it out. You’re my best friend and he’s my brother and I love you guys. More than anything I want you two to be happy. And I truly believe the key to you both being happy is you two being together.”

  “And if the choice was between me and Ashlyn, I would be okay with that. But it isn’t just Ashlyn. It’s Ashlyn and their child.”

  “He doesn’t have to be with her to be a good father to their child.”

  I was quiet for a minute. “True. I just have a really bad feeling about this,” I admitted quietly.

  “Why?”

  I gave her a sad smile in response.

  “Of all people to impregnate,” Emily continued, still shocked.

  “Why her?” I shook my head and squeezed the pillow closer to me. We sat in silence contemplating the situation. “Did they leave last night?”

  Emily nodded, biting her lip nervously. “Yeah, they went to talk. I’ve never seen him so upset. He looked like he was going to cry. And he never cries. The last time he cried was probably when…” She looked away.

  I didn’t know if I wanted her continue because the pain was still fresh, ten years later. To know that I had their forgiveness helped; but, the pain was a constant reminder of my choices, my losses. I gripped the pillow tighter and nodded. I don’t want her to say it, I decided.

  Clearing my throat, I asked, “Did he come back?”

  “I don’t know. He has a key so it’s possible. He wasn’t here when I woke up though.”

  “Oh okay,” I muttered disappointedly. I guess that was a dream, I thought as I brought my nose to the pillow and inhaled again.

  We sat in silent contemplation until my alarm went off making us both jump. Gathering ourselves and our thoughts, we concluded the conversation. After Emily left the room, I packed and then showered. The hot water helped and the time alone gave me a moment to think. Pulling my wet hair into a high ponytail, I decided against makeup even though my eyes were puffy. I didn’t have the energy. I squeezed into my white denim skinny jeans and a sleeveless black semi-sheer shirt with red and white polka dots.

  Grabbing my luggage, I carried everything into the living room and dropped it on the ground. Wrapping my red Michael Kors crossbody around my body, I plopped down on the couch. I need to hit the reset button, I sighed and pulled out my earbuds and hit play. Minutes later, Emily and Anthony emerged from the master bedroom looking completely smitten with one another. It brought a smile to my face.

  “So where should we go for breakfast?” Emily asked as we made our way out of the house.

  “I’m not hungry so it doesn’t matter to me,” I answered, sliding my oversized sunglasses on my face.

  “Let’s get pancakes,” Anthony decided as he put my luggage in the trunk of Emily’s car.

  “The best place for breakfast is going to be packed since it’s the morning of a holiday,” Emily complained. “We don’t have time. Do we?”

  “We have plenty of time,” I shrugged. “My flight doesn’t leave—”

  The sound of the motorcycle made me stop in mid-sentence. Even though ‘Don’t Speak’ played in my ears, I heard the roar of the motorcycle. My head swiveled around and I waited. It’s him. I know it’s him, I thought just before he pulled into the driveway.

  We watched attentively as he parked. I put my hand to my chest in a feeble attempt to slow my heart rate down. My body reacted to him instantly and my mind went blank temporarily. He took off his helmet and rested it on the handlebar. He ran his hands through his wavy, black hair and stared at me. His eyes burned into mine as he eased off of his motorcycle. Never taking his eyes off of me, he walked the few feet to Emily’s car. Without acknowledging anyone else, he grabbed my face and kissed me.

  It wasn’t an ordinary kiss. The kiss was passionate…and easy. It was rough…and soft. It was sweet…and sexy. And when he pulled away and I looked into his bloodshot grey eyes, I knew it was hello…and goodbye.

  “Can we talk?” Emanuel murmured, pressing his forehead against mine and pulling the earbuds out of my ears.

  My eyes instantly became glassy without the barrier of music to dull the hurt I felt. I was thankful for my sunglasses as I thought, No. There’s no need to talk. I don’t want to hear you say it. I just want a clean break. I want to leave Thomasville. Because knowing how much I love you and that you share the same feelings, but we can’t be together is devastating. Maybe more severely devastating than when I thought you hated me. Because then it was my actions that separated us and kept us separated. But now… now that I’ve had you… now that I know that you love me… not being with you now is unbearable. Even though it’s necessary, I can’t take hearing you say it though. I can’t—.

  Interrupting my rambling thoughts, he repeated more softly, “Can we talk please?”

  It broke me. The emotion in his voice tugged at the jagged shards of my heart. Not trusting myself to speak, I shook my head no.

  His eyes squinted slightly and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. “Please Sahara.”

  With all of the strength I had within me, I put my hands up to separate us and I looked away… away from Emanuel and away from Emily and Anthony’s curious eyes. “We are about to go to eat.”

  “Not to eavesdrop or stick my nose where it doesn’t belong but we already know the line is going to be long at the Pancake House so why don’t you two talk for a few minutes? We will get in the car and listen to music. No rush.”

  I whipped my head around and glared at Emily from behind my glasses. She couldn’t see my eyes, but I know she felt the heat because she quickly jumped into the car. Anthony immediately followed her lead. I looked back at Emanuel and my breath faltered.

  “I can’t...” My voice broke as the words burned my throat on the way out.

  “I love you,” Emanuel said, his voice burdened with emotions.

  Slowly, I shook my head no and looked down at his feet. “I love you too.”

  “Look at me beautiful.” His voice was so quiet, I barely heard him.

  I took a shaky breath and I met his eyes again. His face and his eyes displayed so much pain, so much hurt. I wish I could do something, anything to bring back the light in his e
yes. Yesterday, his eyes were so full of love and life. And now..., I observed silently, letting my thought trail off. I discreetly wiped the corner of my right eye under the sunglasses. Maybe if he says he’s getting back with her fast, it’ll soften the blow. I was trying to get out of town and avoid this but maybe him saying he is going to resume his relationship with Ashlyn will hurt less in the long run. My stomach dropped at the thought.

  Wiping another tear, I found my voice. “Just say it,” I demanded softly. My breathing quickened because in my heart I knew whatever he said next wasn’t going to be good.

  He paused, seeming to brace himself for what he was about to say. “She said if I am with you, I won’t have any contact with our child.”

  I gasped, “What?”

  Emanuel swallowed hard before adding, “I’m going to fight her on it every step of the way. She will not get away with this. I just—.” He stopped short with his mouth agape. We stared at one another for a second before he squeezed his eyes shut and dropped his head back. His face contorted in pain and an aching growl exploded out of him.

  “You just what?” I whispered.

  “I need time to figure it all out. I just need time.” He ran his hands through his hair roughly.

  He needs time…meaning, he needs time to figure things out with her, I clarified silently. The only thing I could hear was my heart pounding in my chest. He needs time to build his family with…Ashlyn, I thought, just thinking her name left a bad taste on my tongue.

  He looked everywhere, but at me as he continued rambling, “I’m not letting her blackmail me. I’m not going to let her do this to me. To us. I’ll do everything possible to get sole physical custody. I did some research and since she’s the mother, the courts will be more inclined to rule in her favor. But just the fact that she’s blackmailing me has to count for something. If sole custody isn’t possible, we will have to settle for joint custody. But she will not just take my child away from me and she won’t keep you away from me. That’s not happening. It’s not happening Sahara.”