Back to Life Series Box Set

by Danielle Allen

  I couldn’t hear anything but metal crushing against metal, followed by eerie, absolute silence. I couldn’t smell anything but the smoke that was filling my lungs. I couldn’t move my body because everything hurt. I couldn’t see anything because I was scared to open my eyes.

  I felt like I was dying.

  And on some level, I did.

  Chapter 1

  Thursday, January 5th – 2:22 p.m.

  Thirteen Years Later

  I eyed the cute pregnant woman as she wobbled toward me in her stylish maternity dress with matching burgundy coat and designer sunglasses. Touching the sore spot on my lower abdomen, I slowed my walk to the building, taking in the joy that radiated off her.

  I wonder if she had to get fertility hormone injections that hurt like hell in order to conceive.

  It wasn’t a bitter thought; I was honestly curious.

  Thirteen years ago, a car accident changed my life. Numbness, pain, and metal rods prevented me from moving my body the way I used to. Even though I was never able to dance the same way, I was thankful to be able to walk with relative ease after physical therapy. I originally thought that was my only physical damage, but my doctors noticed swelling in my abdominal area.

  I’d been so focused on my legs; I didn’t notice the swelling immediately. They treated the trauma, decreased the swelling and all of the tests came back as normal. It wasn’t until I left the rehab center that I realized that I hadn’t menstruated since the accident.

  After six solid years of regular periods, post-accident, I had difficulty ovulating. Like many women, the news that I struggled to ovulate wasn’t the problem. It was more so that I struggled to wrap my mind around never becoming a mother. I’d finally gotten to a point where I was comfortable with the idea of being childless when I met Anthony.

  From the beginning, I let Anthony know about my condition. Although he wanted children, Anthony said that it was more important for him to have me. I was so in love with him that I agreed that when we were both ready, I would seek a second opinion to see if childbearing was possible. But something changed on our second wedding anniversary.

  Anthony had become preoccupied with the idea of us being parents last year. He talked about the second opinion often and how a child would bring us closer. I told him I felt pressured and that I was the one who would have to undergo the procedures, made more complicated by my previous surgeries and the metal in my body. He’d back off for a few weeks, but then it’d come up again.

  It had reached a breaking point one day last spring when I was experiencing a leg pain so debilitating, Anthony stayed home from work to care for me. The spontaneous, but severe leg pain that surged through my body every few months was due to the metal rods to repair my femur. When the pain hit, I would be in agony for days. Then as suddenly as it came, it went. But that particular day, it was the worst pain I’d had in years and I was suffering. Knowing the pain I was in, Anthony still spent the entire day trying to have sex. I couldn’t put my finger on what was going on, but I knew in my gut that something was up.

  He was so sweet and romantic with me. He was a great provider and we had a great time together. But I noticed we had a lot more sex two weeks before my period. My suspicions were running high, but I didn’t have proof until I stumbled upon a bottle of pills to force ovulation and realized they looked exactly like the “vitamins” he’d been giving me. A little more digging and I found out that he was secretly charting my ovulation cycle in order to get me pregnant.

  I was livid.

  After several weeks of being angry, we talked and I forgave him for his deception after he swore he’d never do anything to hurt me again. But our relationship was never the same. I loved him, but a little differently. The lack of trust changed how I viewed him and our relationship and it impacted the way I interacted with him. I loved him with all of my heart, but I could never fully trust him again. And it wasn’t until after a few months of marriage counseling that I started to even try to trust him. A part of me still struggled to believe that he wasn’t sneaking medication into my food or drink. But even still, after two additional months of marriage counseling, I relented and agreed to move forward with the second opinion. I’d hoped that doing it would help me feel as close as possible to him again.

  With Anthony’s connections, access, and desire for a child, I was tested, pricked and prodded until the best OB-GYN in Georgia sent me to see a specialist. Although I’d never been pregnant before, the specialist, a surgeon, officially diagnosed me with Asherman's syndrome because of the degree of scar tissue present in my uterus.

  So even though I was still on the fence, Anthony talked me into meeting with the surgeon once more. I did and before I knew it, I was booked for reparative surgery for a condition I never knew I had, to prepare my uterus for a pregnancy I wasn’t sure I was ready for. But I loved my husband and when I looked into his eyes, I wanted what he wanted.

  But damn!

  The drugs, the assurances, the supportive husband and the best surgeon on the East Coast couldn’t have prepared me for the pain.

  On the morning of my surgery, my anxiety and nervousness triggered something in my legs and I was in agony. After surgery, the pain from the procedure coupled with the leg pain only made the situation worse. But after a rough couple of weeks, the rest of my recovery went well.

  Well, until today.

  Seven weeks ago, when we’d made the decision for me to do the surgery so that I could follow it up with hormone injections, I felt like the impossible was possible. Seven minutes ago, when I’d had an icepick masquerading as a needle jammed into me as I was pumped full of hormones, I felt like it was possible for me to slap my doctor across his face.

  ‘You’ll feel a little sting’ my ass!

  But as I watched the pregnant woman gracefully float toward her car and her beaming husband, I smiled. She was happy. Regardless of if she had a hard time getting pregnant or if she planned it or if it was a surprise to her, she looked incredibly happy. And I felt genuinely happy for her.

  And either way this goes, I’ll be happy because either I’ll get pregnant or I’ll get Anthony off my back about getting pregnant. So it’s a win win.

  “Hi, Mrs. Diaz,” Kelly greeted me as I strolled into the medical center. “Perfect timing! Dr. Diaz finished his rotation at the hospital early and is back in his office. Give me a minute and I’ll call him and let him know you’re here.”

  I looked at the medical receptionist for the Thomasville Medical Center and smiled. “Thanks Kelly! How are the kids? They went back to school this week, right?”

  “Yes, thank God! From Christmas until New Year’s Day, they were stressing me out and costing me money.” She stood up in her pink scrubs as she put a file back in a file cabinet. “But what’s new?”

  I laughed, unbuckling the belt of my brown trench coat, shaking off the January chill. “I’m still reeling from the fact that they’re both in high school now.”

  “Let me give you some advice, I know you and Dr. Diaz are trying, but enjoy—” She looked at the ringing telephone and reached out for it. “Enjoy your youth. Live a little. By the way, I love your hair.” Picking up the phone on the third ring, she buzzed me into the back. “Hello, Thomasville Medical Center, how can I help you?”

  I mouthed the words ‘thank you’ as I fluffed my newly dyed dark chocolate brown hair with caramel highlights.

  The spa day gift I gave to myself for Christmas was the best thing I could’ve done for the New Year. I had been getting compliments on the new hair color from the moment I left the salon. Not only did it bring out my olive skin tone, but it also covered up the grey hairs I found on Christmas Eve.

  Thirty-two is way too young for a grey hair to appear. I’m basically still in my twenties. I glanced at my youthful reflection in the glass and pursed my pillowy lips. If I squint a little and turn my head to a forty-five-degree angle, I easily look like I’m twenty-nine and a half.

  I gave Kelly a little
wave as I pulled open the ‘Medical Staff Only’ door. The office wing was eerily quiet compared to the medical wing where patients were seen. My heels clicked against the tile floor as I approached Anthony’s office.

  Without knocking, I pushed the door open and froze.

  What the fuck is this?

  My stomach dropped and my heart stopped.

  “Shit!” Anthony yelped, pushing his topless nurse, Toni, off of his hard cock. “Shit! Emily, Emily…” He scrambled to pull up the black pants that I bought him two and a half weeks ago for Christmas. “I’m sorry. I know it looks bad, but…I’m sorry.”

  I glared at him. The cold blade of the knife in my back felt like a shard of ice lodged inside me. It was a bitter cold. The artic chill caused me to shiver slightly as I struggled to suck in enough air.

  He stepped toward me and I stepped back.

  Anthony ran his hands down the side of his face. “It’s-it’s not what it looks like.”

  In contrast to the ice running through my veins, a fire-like bile rose in my throat. I swallowed hard. “So your dick wasn’t inside of her?” Shaking the mental image away, I added, “Without a condom?”

  “I should probably go,” Toni remarked as she adjusted the blue and pink plaid scrub top she’d just pulled on.

  I continued staring at Anthony as I replied to her. “No, stay. I’m leaving.” I tightened the belt of my trench coat, cinching the waist. “Because if you come any closer to me, I can’t promise I won’t beat your old ass.”

  “Well, I—” Toni started.

  “Shut up!” Anthony growled in her direction before I turned and walked out of his office.

  Don’t think. Don’t talk. Just walk.

  “Emily, wait! What are you doing? Wait.” Anthony called out to me as my shoes clicked down the hallway. “Emily! Wait!”

  Tossing a lethal look over my shoulder, I spat, “Wait for what?”

  “For me to explain.” His feet made a squeaking noise as he followed me. “Please.”

  “I believe the nurse you were fucking was not your wife, so that’s pretty self-explanatory,” I yelled as I continued down the hallway.

  “Stop!” Anthony barked.

  I noticed Dr. Alderman peeking out of his office and I forced a tight smile before he slowly closed himself behind the door.

  “This is my place of business, Emily! Come to my office so we can talk.” Anthony’s footsteps quickened as I approached the exit and then I felt his large hand wrap around my forearm. “Stop!”

  I yanked my arm out of his grasp. “Don’t fucking touch me,” I hissed forcefully, causing him to recoil slightly.

  “I’m sorry. You’re right. I’m sorry. Come to my office. Talk to me. Let me explain. Please.” Anthony begged, his eyes pleading with me. He ran his hands through his wavy, brown hair. “But please don’t embarrass me in my workplace.”

  “After everything…” Choking on my words, I paused to swallow the lava-like wrath that burned my throat. “Why should I care about embarrassing you here, when you clearly don’t give a damn about embarrassing me here?”

  We angrily glared at one another for what felt like forever. The soft brown eyes that I used to get lost in broke my heart the longer I stared into them. Licking my lips, I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from crying. The back of my eyes pricked and I knew I had to look away or I would break down.

  He used my moment of weakness and reached out for me. Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear, he gently caressed the side of my face with his thumb. The gesture that used to give me butterflies suddenly made my stomach turn.

  I felt like I was going to be sick.

  My hand immediately rested on my belly. “I need to get out of here,” I muttered to myself, turning away from him.

  “Emily.” His hand dropped from my face and he grabbed my elbow just as I touched the door handle. “Emily, that was the first and only time. I’m sorry. It won’t ever happen again. I swear to God. I swear on my mother’s life it was the only time. Emily, say something.”

  The only thing I could think to say involved a string of expletives and renaming him Liar.

  My mind flashed to a conversation we’d had about cheating almost four years prior. I’d jokingly asked him when we dated if life in the hospital was like the television show Grey’s Anatomy, where characters hooked up at work all the time. He laughed and adamantly said no. He told me that he wouldn’t cheat period, let alone with a coworker. He told me he appreciated me and what we had. He told he wanted to build a life with me and wouldn’t jeopardize our relationship. He told me that he valued me and would never disrespect me.

  He lied.

  I closed my eyes. Squeezing them shut, I let his words play in my mind as I tried to force out the image of Toni bent over in front of my husband. The image was distressing. My heart was pounding against my chest and the thumping sound was all I could hear.

  “If you need some time, I understand. Just give me a few minutes to reschedule my appointments and I can go straight home. We can talk there. I’ll get off as soon as I can. Just…just please, don’t…” His sentence trailed off.

  Please don’t what? Don’t be mad? Don’t be hurt? Don’t embarrass you? I wondered as I pressed my eyelids even tighter. Don’t leave you?

  He had some nerve telling me to do or not do anything.

  Letting my eyelids flutter open, I looked at his hand on my elbow and then into his emotionless face. “I asked you to not fucking touch me. I won’t ask you again.”

  Pushing the door open forcefully, it banged against the wall behind it. With as much force as it opened, it slammed shut behind me, leaving Anthony and his infidelity on the other side.

  I took a deep, calming breath before noticing everyone in the waiting room staring my way. My eyes danced around as anger prevented me from feeling the sting of embarrassment as strangers blatantly gawked. Rounding my shoulders, I smoothed my wavy hair down before heading toward the exit. Before pushing open the heavy glass door, I cast one more glance around the unnervingly quiet room. A pair of downcast eyes and a downturned mouth caught my attention on my way out.

  I stopped abruptly.

  With my eyes still locked on her face, I turned my entire body and approached the front desk.

  “Kelly—” I started before she cut in.

  Standing, Kelly’s face seemed to mimic the hurt in my own as she placed her hands on her cheeks. She shook her head and in an unnaturally soft voice, she interrupted, “I’m sorry.”

  I nodded, realizing that I read her facial expression correctly. My face warmed with fresh humiliation that I couldn’t feel. “You knew?”

  “I’m sorry.” She nodded, avoiding eye contact and looking at the narrow counter that separated us. “I caught him in the storage closet with her during the summer. He said it was the first time and he wouldn’t do it again. And then when I caught them together in the break room before Thanksgiving.” She scrunched her face sympathetically. “I’m so sorry. He’s my boss and…”

  I closed my eyes again and pinched the bridge of my nose. “So this wasn’t a one-time thing?”

  The question was more of a rhetorical acknowledgement for myself than an actual question for Kelly. But when I heard her deep sigh, I opened my eyes.

  Kelly looked around. “No.” Her low voice dripped with unrestrained sympathy. “But because I’d caught him again and told him how much of an ass he was being, Layla was transferred back to the hospital. She hasn’t been back here and he does his hours in the hospital and comes right back. She hasn’t been able to sneak pass me to get back there so I believed it was really over.”

  As Anthony’s lies were exposed, I didn’t hear anything else she said and my entire body started to tremble.

  I swallowed hard. “So last year, he was with Layla?”

  She nodded. “I thought when he transferred Layla, he told you the truth at that time.” She paused. “But when I saw the way you burst out the door and the look on your face.” She s
hook her head. “Something told me you must have just found out.”

  That lying bastard!

  “He was sleeping with Layla, too,” I confirmed, catching her quick glimpse and holding her gaze.

  She nodded and then paused. Her eyebrows furrowed. “Too?”

  As if on cue, Toni entered the area with a patient file. She saw me and immediately turned and walked out of the registration area.

  Kelly turned her head, seeming to follow my icy glare, but not quick enough to see what I saw.

  “Is everything okay?” Kelly sputtered. Her short and curly pixie styled hair bounced back and forth as her head swung from me to the doorway and back again. “Who was that? Was it Layla?”

  “It was Toni.”

  “Oh, okay.” She looked both relieved and nervous. “Toni’s okay,” she assured me. “She started around the time Layla left and she takes her job seriously. She’s a great nurse, been doing it for twenty-five years. She’s married and has a couple of kids over at Delta Southern University.”

  I couldn’t even speak.

  “I’m sorry I’m rattling on and on like this,” she apologized, looking down at the counter before looking up at me again. “Your face just turned bright red and your eyes turned black. I didn’t know what to do or say and I talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

  I nodded slowly as she continued.

  “I’m sorry. I’m just…so sorry. I should’ve told you. I should’ve known he didn’t tell you. I just didn’t want to lose my job.” Kelly rubbed her temples.

  I looked at her and I could see her sorrow, her stress, and her remorse. She was between a rock and a hard place between telling me and keeping her job. I didn’t blame her at all. But what I noticed was that I saw more remorse on her face than I did on my husband’s when he got caught in the act moments ago.

  “I get it.” My voice came out hoarse. “It wasn’t your job to tell me. I don’t like being humiliated, but I understand why you chose not to tell me. You have a family. You need your job. You didn’t mess up. He did.”