Graham, Just One Shade

by Guy Lilburne

  We had a fantastic meal by candlelight, it was very romantic. We made a handsome couple. We seemed to be very close and getting closer by the minute. It was becoming a very special night. We looked like we belonged together. It wasn’t a late night and we got home around midnight. We had a coffee and went to bed. We undressed each other slowly and tenderly, as if it was the first time. We kissed and touched. We caressed and then fell onto the bed in a clinch. Louise got to her knees and turned her back to me. Then she sat astride my face and leant forward and teased my penis and testicles with her tongue, I flicked her clitoris with mine. As always she was very wet within seconds, but the foreplay went on for over an hour before we started making love. We changed positions several times. I was pushing into her, harder and deeper. Our bodies locked together riding and fucking. We had a deep connection and almost seemed to become one on that night. At that moment in time we were in love with each other. The only thing we didn’t do was tell each other. Louise climaxed and moments later I came inside her, hot and thrusting. Our bodies glistened with sweat. We smelled of sex, we were sticky, hot, and tangled together.

  It was just after 2.00 am and we slept as we lay, wrapped together, with me still inside her. When we awoke in the morning we made love again and then showered together and went downstairs wrapped in towels. The sun was shining, it was a beautiful day. I opened up all the doors and windows in the conservatory and cooked breakfast of bacon and eggs, coffee and juice. Louise sat out on the patio enjoying the sunshine. She looked sexy wrapped in the towel. I kissed her.

  “This is like being on holiday” she said.

  We had a wonderful relaxing day, just kissing and cuddling. As the day went on I could feel Louise’s mood changing. I took her home at about 4.00 pm on the Sunday afternoon. I dropped her off in the next street to where she lived. She leant across and kissed me quickly on the cheek and grabbed her bags off the back seat.

  “Goodbye Graham” she said as she shut the car door. I watched her walk along the street until she turned the corner and went out of view. She hadn’t looked around at me once. “Goodbye Graham!” I repeated to myself out loud. Jesus, what does that mean?

  I didn’t hear from her that night, or the next day, which happened to be bank holiday Monday 28th August. I already knew it was over. I knew as soon as she said “Goodbye Graham.” It had sounded so final, but I desperately clung to the hope that it wasn’t. I kept thinking of reasons and excuses why she hadn’t rung me. It was making me feel ill and my heart felt heavy in my chest. On Tuesday I was back at work. I rang her a couple of times during the day, but she didn’t answer and let the answering machine kick in. I left no message. I rang her again at 3.00 pm and I left a message.

  “Please speak to me Louise. I already know that it’s over, but I just need to hear it from you.”

  I rang back half an hour later and Louise answered the phone.

  “Hello” I said.

  “Oh Graham! I don’t want to talk to you on the phone. I was going to come and see you tonight. Can I come round about 7.00 pm?”

  “Yes. OK. Bye.”

  “Bye.”

  The phones went down and although I did already know what was going to happen, suddenly I felt worse. I went to the toilets and threw up in one of the cubicles. I got home at about 5.00 pm and waited for her. A strange calmness came over me. An acceptance of the situation. I wrote her a letter while I waited. It read:

  Dear Louise,

  This is just a very short letter to say goodbye. I’m waiting for you to come and break my heart, but that’s nobody’s fault but mine. You haven’t done anything wrong. You never made any promises and you must do whatever your heart tells you to do. I’m guessing that you want to end this with me before I fall in love with you, but we both already know that you are too late. I think I fell in love with you a long time ago. I tried hard to make you fall in love with me. I tried too hard and it all got a bit intense. I know that I made a fool of myself. I’m sorry. If you ever find yourself in that other time and other place then please don’t forget to remember me.

  I love you

  Goodbye and good luck

  Graham xxx

  I carried on waiting and counted down the minutes on the clock during the last hour. At 7.00 pm I looked out of the window and saw Louise sitting outside in her car. She just sat there. I went out to her car and when she saw me she got out and handed me an expensive bottle of brandy.

  “Here Graham. I think you are going to need this.”

  “You really didn’t have to get me this Louise. I think it’s very nice of you to come and tell me face to face. I’m not going to make it difficult for you.”

  She followed me into the house and we sat in the conservatory.

  “I suppose that you are going to try again with your husband?” I asked.

  “Yes, I think so. I don’t know if it will work or not. Maybe, if he gets a local job. Maybe, working from home. I just don’t know. He’s still moving out, but we are going to see how it goes.”

  She went on to tell me everything that she and her husband had said over the last few days. It made me very sad.

  “I’m so sorry Graham.” The tears were rolling down her face. “I tried to love you, I really did. I tried to give you my heart, but the sparks just didn’t fly.”

  Her words cut through me like a chain saw. Just that one sentence shattered me.

  “The sparks didn’t fly!”

  I wanted to argue with her. The sparks were flying all over the place. I was nearly blinded by the fucking sparks. There were times when I could have done with welding goggles. Did she even know what a spark was? She just wouldn’t allow herself to feel them. I wanted to argue the point with her, but I just couldn’t.

  I felt a tear drop roll down my cheek. Oh no! This was really bad!

  I thought I was much stronger than this. Thank God it was just the one, and I don’t think she noticed it. I felt completely numb and I just whispered back to her.

  “The sparks didn’t fly?”

  “I’m so sorry Graham. You are the most gorgeous, sweet, sensitive man I’ve ever met. You’re funny and charming and sexier than any man I’ve ever known.”

  “But I’ve got no fucking sparks!”

  “Of course you have. You are the most amazing person that I have ever met.”

  “Then why are you leaving me?”

  “I’m sorry sweetheart.” She kissed my face and left.

  I sat alone, nursing my broken heart and my bottle of expensive brandy, drowning in gloom and despair. I got drunk, what else could I do?

  When I got home from work the next day there was a hand posted letter from Louise waiting for me. It was a nice letter. It read:

  Tuesday 29th August

  My dear, sweet, wonderful Graham,

  How I wish I wasn’t writing this letter. How I wish I hadn’t just broken your heart. How I wish I hadn’t just shattered your dreams. I wish things had been different, so different. I wish I could have given you my heart Graham, I really do. I tried, I really did, but someone else still has it and until he gives it back, I’m lost. Tonight I feel completely lost, worse than I have ever felt. I haven’t got you, I haven’t got Nick. Even Angela is away, so I’m completely alone, thinking about what I have just done to someone who deserves nothing but love.

  I don’t know whether this letter is supposed to make me feel better or you, but either way I have to write it. I don’t think anything I wanted to say came out right, and there are things that I wanted to say, but couldn’t.

  When I told you that the sparks didn’t fly, I could see that I’d hurt you far more than I ever intended to. I didn’t mean it to sound so cut and dried, because it isn’t. You are a very attractive, handsome, sexy man, but I haven’t allowed myself to fully acknowledge that, and I c
ould never tell you how much I enjoyed your kisses and your love making, but then again, any girl would. But you need to remember that I had been starved of anything physical for so long, that I didn’t know if it was you who excited me, or the actual act of love.

  I know that you don’t want to hear this, but I wished that it could have been Nick being so passionate. That’s why I had to break your heart Graham. It wouldn’t have been fair to carry on.

  Nick has been too much a part of my life for too long to just stop loving, no matter what. I wish I could stop loving him, believe me. We have too much history together, been through too much and survived too many times. If only I was strong enough to let go, but I’m not.

  I have no idea what will happen between Nick and I. He’s still going to move out and I’m still going to live here. If he does quit his job and find a local one, then who knows, it might work out. It might not. I really don’t know, but I have got to give it a try.

  Graham please believe me, I’m not trying to hurt you even more, although I know I probably am, but I need you to know that it’s not you. It’s all me. I’m sorry.

  I read your letter and it made me cry. I knew that you had fallen in love with me. Especially after this weekend. How could I not know? But actually seeing it written down in black and white! Well it completely broke me. I felt shattered, drained, and angry at myself for letting you. I felt like a total bitch and I will never forget that feeling. I never want to feel like that again. When I left you I drove around for ages, not knowing what to do with myself. I wanted to come back and try to comfort you, but I knew that I couldn’t. I’m so sorry Graham. I never wanted to hurt you.

  I really do care about you Graham, so much so that it breaks my heart to think of you drowning your sorrows alone. You are too special to be on your own. You have to be stronger than me, you have to move on. I know that you’ll never forget me, and I will never forget you. How could I?

  I know that you could have given me the life and love that most girls can only dream of. I wanted it, I just couldn’t take it. It would have been wrong.

  You said that I never promised you anything, and you were right, I didn’t. I will promise you this, my darling. I will cherish the memories of our time together, forever.

  Love Louise

  Xx

  X

  I don’t know how many times I read that letter over the next few weeks. For the next week I wasn’t in control of my life, more of a drunken observer. I managed to go to work, get through the day, go home and get drunk again. I seemed to spend every waking moment thinking about Louise. I neglected my kids and the house, and just seemed to spiral down into a depression. Sometimes my chest felt so heavy it was actually hard to breathe. So this is what a broken heart feels like!

  The kids were fantastic and put up with a very sad, drunken old dad and never moaned about it once.

  A couple of weeks later I took a few hours off work. I finished at dinner time and went home. I tidied up the house from top to bottom, so that everything was gleaming when the kids got home from school. I also cooked a dinner of roast lamb, and got them both a huge box of chocolates. When they got home I told them how sorry I was that I hadn’t been such a good dad lately. Both of them just started crying and hugged me, and said that it was alright. I felt terrible that I had put them through this. Through his tears Samson asked,

  “Are you alright now then dad?”

  “Yes, I’m fine now” I lied.

  It made me realise how lucky I was to have them. They loved me and I loved them. They were all that I needed.

  My life moved on and I got over Louise, but several years later Louise turned up at my house. It was one afternoon in mid-week and she was lucky that I was at home. She was looking beautiful, as she always did, but there was a deep sadness about her. We sat in the garden and drank juice and chatted. She told me that she and Nick had split up within two weeks after the last time we had seen each other. She then went to live in Leicester and tried to start a new life, which she managed to do and eventually settled down with a new man. But he turned out to be not what he seemed and took most of the money that she got from her divorce. She told me that she had just returned to my area to see some family and friends. We hugged and kissed before she left a few hours later but I think we both knew that it really was over between us, but we still had a connection and we were happy to see each other. Two months after Louise had visited me I bumped into her friend, Angela, in the town. It was the first time I had seen her since my brief affair with Louise. I was shocked when Angela told me that Louise had died nearly two months before.

  “She only came to see me two months ago!” I said in a stunned whisper.

  “I know, she told me that she wanted to come and see you to say goodbye. She died from breast cancer. She knew she was dying. She refused all treatment after she had been diagnosed and she came back here the week before she died to see her family and some special friends. I guess she just wanted to see all the people she loved before she died.”

  “Oh my God! She never told me she was dying. Why didn’t she say anything?”

  “She didn’t want you to know, but she told me that she realised that she loved you more than she had ever loved anyone, but she realised it too late. She just wanted to see you again and she was very happy after she did. She told me that you were as lovely as always.”

  I wanted to cry but I was too shocked and stunned to cry. I just looked at Angela with a blank expression on my face. Angela told me that Louise had been cremated and she told me which crematorium she had been laid to rest. I went as soon as I said goodbye to Angela. I stopped on the way to buy flowers and I wrote a note which just read;

  ‘It’s never too late to love.

  I always loved you.

  Graham xx’

  I sat on the grass next to the little marble stone. The gold plated plaque simply stated her name and date of birth and date of death. There was no lasting tribute, no kind words about her. Nothing to say that she had been somebody’s wonderful wife and a wonderful mother. But I knew who she was and I knew that she was wonderful. I still loved her and a part of me always will!

  Chapter Ten: Sometimes Love can just hit you between the Eyes!

  She was the sort of girl who could stop traffic, and I don’t mean in a traffic warden or police officer sort of way. She was the sort of girl who could stop you in your tracks, so you would turn around and watch her walk past you. If she saw you looking she would have probably just smiled, or even waved. She was just that sort of girl, beautiful and sexy, and she knew she was.

  I had just walked out of Tesco’s, loaded with shopping bags. She stopped me in my tracks. She was walking along the riverside footpath towards me, her long dark hair flicking and dancing in the wind. Beautiful exotic brown eyes, dark olive skin. A healthy bounce in her breasts, which were in rhythmic harmony with the samba swaying of her hips as she moved. It was so much more than just a walk. It was sexy and she was an absolute babe. I stood and watched her walk past. I cursed myself because I felt the romantic impulse to run up to her and give her a box of chocolates. I often buy myself chocolates, but today I hadn’t. Maybe I could have just shouted “Excuse me, these are for you,” and thrown her a bunch of flowers. I often buy flowers for the house, but today I hadn’t.

  I mentally went through my carrier bags but I couldn’t think of anything suitable. I could have run up to her and given her a tin of beans, or shouted “Excuse me, this is for you,” and thrown a cabbage at her.

  Both of these things might have been impulsive, but seemed to lack the romantic overtones of flowers or chocolates. Should I go back into the shop and buy her some flowers? No, I wouldn’t have time, she was passing me now. Maybe I should just run up to her and given her some money. No, that’s not much better than tins of beans or cabbages. Too late anyway. She was walking away now.
Her bottom swayed side to side as if it was waving goodbye.

  “Bye” I whispered, as she walked around the bend in the river and out of my view. She had looked as sexy from behind as she did from the front.

  She was wearing a tight grey skirt and a grey jacket, and a crisp white blouse. I would say, from the way that she was dressed, that she was a business woman or worked in an office somewhere. This wasn’t a big town and I had been here most of my life. I had never seen this woman before: I would have certainly noticed her if I had, and I would have remembered her. She must have just been passing through. Anyway, she made my day! Beautiful women are like blue skies and sunshine. They make you glad to be alive. It was October 2000 and she cheered up what was otherwise a grey, overcast miserable day.

  I was enjoying life. Now that Delia was 15 and Samson was 13, it all seemed to be getting a bit easier, being a single dad. I seemed to have a lot more time to myself.

  My ex-wife had recently re-established contact with Samson and Delia after about 18 months of nothing. The contact was infrequent, as it remains to this day, but they formed a relationship. It got to the stage where Samson and Delia would stay at their mother’s place occasionally on Friday or Saturday night.

  Their mother had asked them if they would stay with her over Christmas. I could tell that they felt guilty, or possibly disloyal, when they asked me if it would be OK. I told them that it was perfectly OK for them to spend a Christmas with their mum. After a few changes of mind and subsequent plans, they decided that they would stay with me on Christmas Eve and have Christmas morning and dinner at home. Their mother would collect them at 2.00 pm on Christmas Day and bring them home again on New Year’s Day. I was fine with the plan and still had a couple of months to prepare myself mentally for Christmas and New Year without the kids. I actually thought that the break would probably do me the world of good. We decided that Christmas morning and Christmas dinner would be extra special.